Am I being nit-picky?

[SunnySide0418]

Had a first meet with a guy (54) from online (Bumble).  We met at a Starbucks.  We had good conversation and I liked him.  When we left he didn't walk me to my car.  I just think that is so ungentlemanly. (Is that even a word?). Am i being too picky? When we walked out together I started walking towards my car.  He stopped and said I'm over there,  pointed to his car and gave me a hug goodbye. He did text me afterwards saying he liked talking to me but that turned me off.  Thoughts?

[NuevoYorko]

It's fine; if it turned you off, then you're turned off.  If it's a deal breaker for you, it's a good enough reason to say "next."

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, SunnySide0418 said:

 he didn't walk me to my car.  I just think that is so ungentlemanly.

Some more experienced daters are a bit cautious about boundaries. For example many women don't want a man to follow them to their vehicle for safety/security reasons on a first meet.

Keep in mind, first meets with a stranger is usually more cautious than once you've met and decide to see each other again.

However if you really didn't like him much anyway and you found him rude, just don't accept another date.

[MsJayne]

I find a lot of men these days don’t bother being a gentleman. Whether it’s because they’re trying to respect women’s equality or because they’ve got misogynistic tendencies is always debatable. But if you’re a woman who likes the door opened for her and who appreciates a man being protective then maybe he’s not for you. 

[Johnjohnson2017]

My guess either he wasn't into you or wasn't sure if you liked him. He didn't want you to think that he was following you to your car to see what kind of car you were driving. Maybe he didn't think you wanted him to follow you to your car?

If he doesn't ask you out for a second date, then you'll know the answer.

[poppyfields]

I think had you been really attracted to him and clicked, this wouldn't have bothered you so much.  

Frankly it doesn't sound like there was much attraction for him either - I mean texting to say he liked talking to you?   Meh.

This is not a man who was all that interested in you either which may be why he didn't walk you to your car, which would have extended the date and given him an opportunity to kiss you, something.  Had there been a mutual attraction.

Going forward, you don't need anyone's opinion or approval to not like a man.  You are entitled to not like him for whatever reason you want.

Just next him and move on to next.

Edited February 8, 2023 by poppyfields

[ShyViolet]

I don't see the big deal here.  Yes I think you are being very nitpicky if this is your only complaint about him.

Maybe deep down you didn't like him that much, if you find yourself looking for things to complain about instead of being excited about this guy.

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, SunnySide0418 said:

Had a first meet with a guy (54) from online (Bumble).  We met at a Starbucks.  We had good conversation and I liked him.  When we left he didn't walk me to my car.  I just think that is so ungentlemanly. (Is that even a word?). Am i being too picky? When we walked out together I started walking towards my car.  He stopped and said I'm over there,  pointed to his car and gave me a hug goodbye. He did text me afterwards saying he liked talking to me but that turned me off.  Thoughts?

This is damned if you do/ don’t.

for a first meeting he might respect your privacy by not seeing you car and license plate number he can easily check records against.  
you might want to stay in a public location vs a hidden place in a parking lot.

 

don’t read thst much into it.

[Alvi]

I think you should give this guy a chance if you enjoyed your date with him and see some future potential. Let him go if you feel so-so about him.

5 hours ago, SunnySide0418 said:

When we walked out together I started walking towards my car.  He stopped and said I'm over there,  pointed to his car and gave me a hug goodbye.

He may not be a mindreader and possibly didn't realize that you wanted to walk him to your car. I mean, if the two of you start dating, you could spell out to him that  you appreciate him doing gentlemanly things for you (such as walking you to your car, holding the door open for you, pulling the chair for you, etc...). He may or may not agree, but that's the whole other story.

[Alpacalia]

Not everyone has the same cultural or personal expectations for dating manners and etiquette, and what might be considered ungentlemanly by one person may not be viewed the same way by another. It's possible that the man simply didn't think it was necessary to walk you to your car or that he assumed you would feel more comfortable walking on your own.

So I've been on both sides of the fence. Men that have walked me to my car and one that tried to get in my car pretty aggressively.

It's important to communicate your expectations and preferences clearly to potential partners, and it's also important to be open to understanding their perspectives and priorities. If you feel strongly about being walked to your car, you could consider mentioning this to the man the next time you meet.

Regarding his text message, it's possible that his words turned you off because they didn't align with your expectations. However, it's important to keep in mind that people express themselves differently, and his text could simply be his way of being polite and friendly.

Ultimately, the decision of whether someone is being too picky or not is a subjective one and depends on individual preferences and values. It's important to prioritize your own feelings and needs in dating, and to find someone who respects and aligns with those.

[Lotsgoingon]

No, it's not too picky .... but the bigger picture is that you and he didn't really connect. You gotta distinguish between a pleasant date and a date with some chemistry and real interest and potential. 

Had you connected more deeply, he would likely have walked you to your car just to spend more time with you, just to extend the time! You with me.

So you're not being overly picky ... But I sense you're missing the big picture that took me also a long time to get: pleasant dates aren't really dates with real chemistry. If I don't leave a date really fired up and in a great mood, then there wasn't really a connection. II love talking to everyone so it was hard for me to figure out superficial interest and deeper connection. But I did: the difference is not subtle. 

[JTSW]

It's nit-picky yeah but maybe it's just your subconscious telling you that he is not the one.

[Denise B]

You are nit picking because you don't like him that much. It will only get worse. Move on

[Weezy1973]

16 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I don't see the big deal here.  Yes I think you are being very nitpicky if this is your only complaint about him.

Exactly this. If everything was great and then suddenly you lost interest when he didn’t walk you to your car - definitely too nitpicky. But it sounds like it was kind of meh, not a lot of attraction anyways. 

[stillafool]

Just forget it.  It's already gotten off to a bad start.  Just next him.

[smackie9]

Times have changed, people are more cautious about privacy. Most women don't want a first meet/stranger walk them to their car out of safety reasons. I would only see this as a red flag if you were more established with each other. Don't write this guy off yet, go on a few dates and see. 

[glows]

I wouldn’t be bothered by this and prefer it as you’re complete strangers who just met. It might a different story if it’s several dates down the line or have agreed to date exclusively. 

Keep in mind people are meeting multiple people several times a week or even in one day especially when using dating apps. Being cautious is about staying safe and also not placing so many expectations on someone you barely know.

I’d consider it better etiquette if a man simply went his own way rather than gestures like this and that says nothing about how I view a partner being gentlemanly. Manners matter and I think in this case it shows more consideration having those boundaries initially and gradually building on that trust as you know one another.

[Wiseman2]

On 2/8/2023 at 3:01 PM, SunnySide0418 said:

  When we left he didn't walk me to my car.

For your own safety, keep in mind that there is a lot of information with a vehicle. Make, model, color and most importantly the license plate.  The last thing you want is someone following you home or looking up stuff they can glean from your vehicle. Use appropriate safety on all first meetings.

Next time meet in person, have a coffee/drink, decide if there's chemistry or interest in another date, but leave the "gentlemen" situation out of the equation until you have a second date. 

[Alpacalia]

I feel maybe you're looking at this as a nurturing effort?  In other words, why wouldn't he be more attentive and want you to feel comfortable by walking you to your vehicle? 

How was the rest of the date? Was the chemistry there? Did you both seem to enjoy yourselves?

A first date can be made or broken by things like this. Nevertheless, they do. You want to go on a second date with someone who tugs at your heartstrings. Unlike the others, he would have that certain characteristic that pulls you in closer.

Edited February 10, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

I lost so much time going on 2nd date and 3rd date with the wrong men in the hope he'd be more of a gentleman on a following date. 

OP you know what you want, you want a gentleman. Gentleman don't worry about should they be a gentleman or not, they just are. 

I have female friends who don't care about that stuff, I do. 

When I met my boyfriend we had a bite on a terrace downtown. After the date he walked me to the metro, not only to the metro but he walked me inside the metro all the way to the train gate and he asked me to let him know when I'd made it home safe. That's the type of man I wanted, and I found one. They are out there, keep searching. 

Edited February 10, 2023 by Gaeta

[basil67]

If he'd really been into you, I think he would have taken every opportunity to spend even just another few more minutes with you.  So not taking this chance tells me that he was a bit ho hum about you. 

Given that you're already annoyed by his behaviour, it's probably best not to bother with him further

[BaileyB]

On 2/8/2023 at 2:01 PM, SunnySide0418 said:

When we left he didn't walk me to my car.  I just think that is so ungentlemanly. (Is that even a word?). Am i being too picky?

It sounds like most first meet-and-greet dates that I had when I was online dating or meeting people on blind dates. For the first meet, I think it’s ok. After all, you are not actually dating the man. You just met him. 

[stillafool]

On 2/8/2023 at 3:01 PM, SunnySide0418 said:

Had a first meet with a guy (54) from online (Bumble).

How old are you?

[Els]

FWIW, I wouldn't actually want someone I was meeting for the first time to follow me to my car. It's possible that he has offered but gotten declined in the past, so now he is more cautious. He's not a mind reader and he can't know that you actually want him to walk you, if you don't say anything.

That being said, if you're not feeling it with him then you're not feeling it. It's not a problem, just wish him well and move on to someone who is more compatible with you.