What is the point in marriage? What do you gain? or should you not even think about gaining anything and just exist in this marriage?

[Newlywed07]

Been married for just over 2 years (based in the UK) and questioning what value does marriage add? Am I supposed to just live with someone where there is just play and nothing else? No emotional support? No care? Questioning am I expecting too much? All my thoughts have been triggered as - We have been trying to conceive for 13 months for our first baby & on the next scheduled day of my period my husband is at work (we usually work from home) & wants to go to a football match afterwards meaning being out of the house from 7am up until midnight, at least. The day of the first period hits hard, very hard, as it’s the realisation and acknowledgement that we haven’t conceived. So I said I would really prefer he is home after work to give me support since we are in this together, I said rather than him being away all day & all night, as I have no one else to support me. He said his life is being on hold, I’m a red flag stopping him from going, how he feels restricted, how selfish and manipulative I am and if he does not go to the football game he will be watching it at home anyway (to me it’s him being physically there to support me than being alone) Am I abnormal? Am I asking for too much? Is this a problem of mine? Then it makes me feel like I’m nothing. Am I asking for too much as a wife? To be there on this day? He said that he’s away for work anyway & he makes me feel I’m being so needy. He’s out next week seeing his friends, family and watching football and playing poker, he’s a social butterfly and I said I haven’t stopped you from going on those days to prove that I’m not making his life on hold, I’m not saying to not go on those days but it’s on an important day to me I’m asking for emotional support. And I feel he will go to the match anyway. And where does that leave me? What does that mean about other problems in this marriage? What is the point in being married if you have to fight for someone to think about you, to be there for you? Makes me feel second to his football, friends and family. 

Edited February 9, 2023 by Newlywed07

[JTSW]

He should be supporting you in hard times so its not wrong for you to ask him to be with you.

What's going to happen if you end up having a baby? 

Is he going to leave you alone to look after it day after day?

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Newlywed07 said:

questioning what value does marriage add?

I think marriage is overrated.

That aside, 

Marriage is about supporting each other through good times and bad. You have been trying to conceive for 13 months and this is understandably a difficult and emotionally trying time for you. It's understandable that you would want your husband to be there for you on the day of your first period, as this is a time when you need emotional support the most. It's important to remember that your husband also needs support from you during this time.

He may be feeling frustrated and helpless that he is unable to do anything to help you, and this could be why he is lashing out. Try to talk to him about how you both can support each other, and find a solution that works for both of you. It's also important to remember that marriage is not just about being together during the difficult times. Marriage is also about having fun together, enjoying each other's company, and celebrating life's victories. You should both be able to enjoy time with friends and family, and it is important to support each other in these activities. Ultimately, marriage is about compromise.

Talk to your husband about your concerns and strive to come to a compromise that works for both of you.

 

 

[stillafool]

Even though I'm a married woman and like it, I hear married women die earlier than single women and married men live longer than single men.  So is marriage a good deal for women, I think not.  You must be really regular to know that your period will arrive on a certain day.  Yes, if you've allowed your husband to be away all those other times for his friends and games he should make a sacrifice and be there with you on the first day of your period.

[Weezy1973]

Marriage is more about legalities than anything else. It’s not going to magically change someone’s personality. I assume he had the same priorities before marriage as after. 
 

Kids on the other does (or at least should) change things quite drastically. I think a conversation needs to be had more about what he’s going to be like after kids. Is he still expecting to go out all the time? If so you probably want to reconsider him as your co-parent.

 

And that being said, I actually do think you’re being unreasonable. Not getting pregnant is actually pretty normal. So getting your period isn’t a big deal. Now if you did get pregnant and miscarried- that’s a much bigger deal and you should both be there to support each other if that happens. But expecting him to change plans because you got your period, which I assume you’ve gotten every month for years, seems a bit excessive. 
 

And that being said, if you have a problem in general with him going out so much, again maybe he’s not the right guy for you. Maybe you wrongly really did think being married would change who he is.

[NuevoYorko]

Your OP is a little extreme, and then narrows down into one problematic situation.  Circumstances you describe around your efforts to conceive don't equate to being expected to:

Quote

just live with someone where there is just play and nothing else? No emotional support? No care? "

If the above quote describes your marriage; well, first of all, that is not the way it's supposed to be.  If that is really the state of affairs, your marriage is in very bad shape and both of you will need to find some common ground to work on it if there is going to be anything to salvage.  

I believe that it boils down to huge communication problems and I think that marriage counseling would be very smart, especially since you want to grow your family and clearly are not on the same page.

To the specific problem:  I understand why this would be very hurtful and I am not taking your husband's side.  But his side of the situation does exist.  The weight of this might be very heavy on him as well, though not the same as you.  He definitely doesn't have the hormone changes on top of the harsh reality of not conceiving like you do.  

I think he SHOULD stay home on that day and be supportive of you, but I can sense where he might be as well.  Staying home with you to support you probably looks like sitting around the house in depression.  I'm not sure that he CAN be the person to do that.  He might "need" to get out of the house and away from the whole idea of conceiving a baby on that day more than any other.

Please know that I still think he "should" put his feelings aside and stay home.  But I can see how he might be feeling quite driven to just feel better himself, too, and this would be how he'd do it.  Selfish - but it would have a place within a conversation on how you get through this.

[S2B]

You have told him what you need from him.

he has to be at work. 
 

he may choose to go out tonight. That’s his choice.

i would suggest counseling to help you rely on yourself for comfort a bit more. Life will send you a million adversities - and needing him WITH you every minute you’re sad is not realistic.  He can be supportive in a lot of other ways if he is away from you. Is he good at that stuff?

he needs to be able to live life too.

when you do have children are you prepared to handle all the things that brings? It’s a lot. A lot of stuff that’s hard and you just have to push through.

have you done any professional work to learn how to self soothe?

Edited February 9, 2023 by S2B

[stillafool]

Suppose your period arrives on a work day and not the weekend, do you expect him to stay home from work too?

[basil67]

17 hours ago, Newlywed07 said:

Been married for just over 2 years (based in the UK) and questioning what value does marriage add? Am I supposed to just live with someone where there is just play and nothing else? No emotional support? No care? Questioning am I expecting too much? 

Marriage is a legality.  And many would say it's the ultimate commitment.  But it shouldn't change how you interact.   If your relationship was devoid of support and care prior to the marriage, getting married won't change that.   That said, I'm not sure if your marriage is really terrible, or if you're describing it this way because you're disappointed that he's not with you when your period is due.   

I'm going to guess that you're upset about this incident and that it's not actually a terrible marriage.  I say this because I imagine that if things really were so bad and you were having second thoughts, you wouldn't be trying to add a baby into it.  

I understand the disappointment that he won't be with you on the day your period is due, but if he is actually a good husband and is there for you most of the time, he really shouldn't have to miss a game because your period is due.  As someone else said, you would do well to learn to self soothe.   It could also be that he doesn't want to get too caught up in the emotions of disappointment and let conception/no conception start ruling your lives.  Problems conceiving can and do ruin marriages if things get too heated.   Of course, if your husband actually ISN'T there for you most of the time, then stop trying for a baby until you get the marriage sorted out.

[poppyfields]

18 hours ago, Newlywed07 said:

We have been trying to conceive for 13 months for our first baby & on the next scheduled day of my period my husband is at work (we usually work from home) & wants to go to a football match afterwards meaning being out of the house from 7am up until midnight, at least. The day of the first period hits hard, very hard, as it’s the realisation and acknowledgement that we haven’t conceived. So I said I would really prefer he is home after work to give me support since we are in this together, I said rather than him being away all day & all night, as I have no one else to support me. He said his life is being on hold, I’m a red flag stopping him from going, how he feels restricted, how selfish and manipulative I am and if he does not go to the football game he will be watching it at home anyway (to me it’s him being physically there to support me than being alone) Am I abnormal? Am I asking for too much?

So if I read this correctly, you are trying to conceive and when you get your period, the realization that you didn't conceive that month causes you to become so emotionally distraught that you need your husband to drop his life and support you emotionally?  Comfort you, whatever?

Okay, well yes imo that is a bit much, you really should be able to self-soothe in that situation.  I realize it's disappointing but it's one of those disappointments that should not require your partner to drop whatever plans he had made or stay home from work, or miss a planned sporting event, to support you.

I could understand had you miscarried the baby, that happened to me (to us) and yes my husband stayed home from work that day and we comforted each other.

I actually don't blame him for feeling restricted, however the way he lashed out at you calling you "selfish and manipulative," that was wrong and indicates a much larger problem in the marriage than the fact you are having difficulty conceiving.

It sounds like he's feeling restricted and perhaps manipulated in other ways and finds your overall neediness in general too much and suffocating.

This particular situation is simply a symptom of a much larger disease as they say.  Neither of you sound happy at all.

If me, I would consider either marriage counseling or simply walking away.   It does not sound like there is anything positive or of much value to hold on to.

I'm sorry.

 

 

[BaileyB]

This is tough because while you would like him at home for obvious reasons, he obviously has other plans. Whether he is being self-indulgent and inconsiderate or whether he just simply can’t stay home with you and sit with the disappointment and grief that you are feeling is difficult to say - we obviously don’t know the man. 

Personally, I think men and women are just very different beings. He obviously feels differently and deals differently than you do - and that’s ok. I can see why he would not want to stay home with you and sit in the sadness and disappointment - especially if this happens month after month. This is maybe one of those times when I would make plans with my sister, or a friend, or my mom… women get it. 

If your husband doesn’t understand why you would want him at home, I personally would rather he leave me in peace than stay home and be unhappy because he feels like I’ve forced him to stay with me. 

I’m so very sorry that you are having such difficulty conceiving. Take care.

Edited February 10, 2023 by BaileyB

[glows]

I think it’s better reframing this in your mind. Whether you conceive or not is a joint effort but he’s not responsible for your mental health. Having a baby or all those hopes and expectations you’ve put on yourself are done by you. You’re the one putting pressure on yourself to have this child so try figuring out how to work past that stress and pressure or feelings of disappointment. 

The less he feels he’s responsible for your happiness, the more he’ll likely want to be around you regardless of your period and you may be more emotionally stable rather than letting your period dictate the way you feel or what others wish to do/make plans etc. 

I’m very much hoping the best for the both of you and to come to a compromise. It sounds like this is escalating badly and you’re both not communicating in respectful ways. 

[Els]

Ooookay, I'm not sure who's right and who's wrong in this situation (there's a lot of context that we don't get from your post)... but if that's really how you feel about your marriage and your partner, should you REALLY be trying to conceive right this moment? Because kids generally make things harder, not easier. If you already feel sidelined by his hobbies and friends now, how will you feel when you're pregnant with his child and throwing up and he still wants to go watch football, or you've been breastfeeding for 6 months and haven't slept a full night that entire time, AND he wants to go hang out with his friends?

But anyway, to answer your question, I have a supportive and caring partner and I feel that being with him adds a lot to our life. Does being married specifically (and not just de facto, living together, etc) add anything to it? Yes, I think that being married to the person I want to spend my life with, means a lot to me personally and socially. We've been married for over 4 years and I am happy. Legally, there's not that much difference from before we got married, since de facto couples here get all the same rights/liabilities as married couples. Also, I'm childfree and intend to stay that way (for many reasons that I don't intend to get into here).

 

[Els]

Umm, yikes, I just read your other posts. WHY ON EARTH are you even trying to conceive here????? You are in this marriage that is absolutely dreadful and you are trying to have a child, which will tie you to this man and his family for at least 18 years. What are you thinking???

 

[mark clemson]

No marriage is perfect, but marriages can be good, bad, or "ok". Speaking generally, bad ones are no fun to be in, which is why many people get divorced.

There are also people who are insecure or otherwise unhappy without a partner, as well as people who are perfectly happy on their own.

Also people typically change slowly (or sometimes rapidly) over time, so even getting married to a wonderful partner is a big of a crap-shoot.

There can be a lot of reasons why people might stay even in a bad marriage, and there are those who are fine with dissolving even a good one.

A good or OK marriage does tend to provide some economic stability and can often provide a stable environment for raising kids. However, overall IMO it's a very mixed bag, seeing as to the amount of variance and the social/legal/financial ramifications of marrying and/or divorce.

Edited February 10, 2023 by mark clemson

[Trail Blazer]

You sound like you have a lot of personal issues you need to work through.  I don't think conceiving should be your first priority here.

It sounds like you have a one-track mind to having this baby, to the detriment of other areas of your life you need to work on.

It sounds like you're exhausting your husband with your neuroticism and he's trying to get some distance.  At least, that is probably how he feels.

Yeah, I understand that you've "let him" go out other times, but to me it sounds very much like you have unresolved issues which fall outside the scope of what one should reasonably expect someone else to be able to resolve.

This has nothing to do with marriage and everything to do with two people who are on completely different wavelengths.

In saying that, though, if you and your husband cannot meet somewhere in the middle, there will be a lot of heartache down the track.

[Freya229]

It sounds as though you are alone in this marriage.  This means that when you have a baby, you will be completely alone in that, too.  He will not help or support you or the child in any way.  This marriage is not a partnership, you are a thing, a "what," not a "who."  If you stay in this marriage, this is what you can expect, and if it does change it will be worse, not better.

You need to decide if you are strong enough to be on your own.  I think you are.  Whether that means staying in this marriage and accepting that you will get nothing from him or divorcing and going out on your own, at the end of the day, you are responsible for yourself.  You decide if this is how you want marriage to be.  Maybe before you decide that, decide if in this day and age women can get better than this out of marriage.  Traditionally, this is what husbands do in marriage: exactly as they please, when they please, with whomever they please.  If you thought your husband was going to be a help to you, you drastically misunderstood what marriage is about.  

Edited February 15, 2023 by Freya229
poor sentence structure, wow