Tom_w001 Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 Me and my ex have been dating for three years, engaged for one year. We have a lot in common and hardly ever have any arguments. Two weeks ago she was saying that she needs space from me and staying at her dads on a Sunday will help because it’s also closer to her work, I said that’s ok if you think it will help you. Then starts moving stuff out of the house including her tv, bedding and beauty products. Then shortly after she told me it was because the job was stressing her out and she is working long hours. The next Sunday she proceeds to take more items from the house and hardly had any items left, on Monday she told me that she is a lot less stressed and thinks she should stay at her dads during the weekdays and maybe we can do stuff on weekends. I said to her that I don’t want that because I’m in a relationship with her, I asked her if she loves me and she said yes and asked if there was someone else and she said no, it’s because of work but yet she doesn’t want to leave the job. we messaged each other on WhatsApp for a bit to try and sort it out and came to some kind of understanding. Then she turned up yesterday and said she was only here for collect some more stuff but I got annoyed and told her to just take all the remaining items. she still hasn’t given me any reason as too why this has all happened and hasn’t blocked me on WhatsApp, when I messaged her, she read it and never responded, what do people think this means? Link to post Share on other sites
PotatoHead Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 Sorry this is happening, 3 years is a long time to share with someone. People don't typically just up and leave with no real reason or explanation. It definitely sounds to me like there is someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom_w001 Posted February 9, 2023 Author Share Posted February 9, 2023 12 minutes ago, PotatoHead said: Sorry this is happening, 3 years is a long time to share with someone. People don't typically just up and leave with no real reason or explanation. It definitely sounds to me like there is someone else. That’s what I don’t get, she was always firmly against cheating and knew I would never cheat either. She said no when I asked her but it’s the only thing that makes sense, I just wish she was honest about the reason she wants to spend time apart from me. I sadly get the feeling that I may never find out even though I dedicated so much time to our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish she was honest with you. It's tremendously unkind to break up with someone in slow motion and not give them enough information to help them make an informed choice or at least understand what's happening. Of course, I have no idea why she's breaking up with you, but the nature of her actions suggests that there may be someone else and she doesn't want to admit it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 2 hours ago, Tom_w001 said: Two weeks ago she was saying that she needs space from me . Were you living together? Do you co-lease or co-own or is it your place or hers? Unfortunately she seems to be tiptoing out of the relationship rather than clearly stating it's over. Besides "space", what was the reason for the breakup? Were there conflicts about money, jobs, future planning or other issues? People don't just "need space" and then start moving out for no reason. There may or may not be someone else, but this seems more like relationship conflict. She seems to have been planning her exit for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom_w001 Posted February 9, 2023 Author Share Posted February 9, 2023 23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Were you living together? Do you co-lease or co-own or is it your place or hers? Unfortunately she seems to be tiptoing out of the relationship rather than clearly stating it's over. Besides "space", what was the reason for the breakup? Were there conflicts about money, jobs, future planning or other issues? People don't just "need space" and then start moving out for no reason. There may or may not be someone else, but this seems more like relationship conflict. She seems to have been planning her exit for a while. We both own properties, she rents hers out and lived with me, use to go half on bills, we are both high earners. last year I converted the second bedroom into an office after I started a new job. She use to sleep in the spare room some nights because she use to complain I snore and I’m like sleeping next to a furness. I do know she has been stressed at times about the job and the commute, staying at her dads would reduce the commute by 60 mins a day. She said this is the reason why she wants to stay at her dads. I did want kids but she isn’t able to have kids due to a health condition but I told her I would never leave her because of that. she was married before and her partner told her to sleep with other men for some reason and she didn’t because she wouldn’t cheat. she did say that she wanted to see me Thursday - Sunday which is the days she has off work. So maybe it was just the commute Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 (edited) When she started physically removing herself from your place - that was her actions showing she was leaving you. be glad you aren’t with her and you know now who she is… she’s not honest. She doesn’t express what her real intentions are (sneaky). so maybe she’s a gal that avoids conflict. Those types are hard to trust - they don’t tell you what they are feeling and they just run away from being honest. seems she did you a favor. Better to know now than after you marry her. Edited February 9, 2023 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom_w001 Posted February 9, 2023 Author Share Posted February 9, 2023 Update - I messaged her yesterday after she left because she left the fish tank with all the fish behind, I asked her when is she coming back because I don’t want the fish and she took the fish food. I got a notification on my blink door bell and it was her dad dropping off the fish food instead of taking it away. why would he drop stuff off for the fish and not take it all away? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 Seriously, you used the “fish” as an excuse to bait her? Come on man, stop looking so weak. she doesn’t want to see you. it is over. She is avoiding you. stop contacting her. She’s acting like a child not explaining anything to you - why would you even want that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom_w001 Posted February 9, 2023 Author Share Posted February 9, 2023 34 minutes ago, S2B said: Seriously, you used the “fish” as an excuse to bait her? Come on man, stop looking so weak. she doesn’t want to see you. it is over. She is avoiding you. stop contacting her. She’s acting like a child not explaining anything to you - why would you even want that? She left yesterday after collecting some of her stuff, an I told her I wanted everything gone. I asked her when she is coming to get the rabbit and fish. She came to collect some of the stuff and the rabbit. I wanted to know if she was coming back for the rest of the stuff and the fish because it was getting late. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, Tom_w001 said: Why would he drop stuff off for the fish and not take it all away? Because they don't want the hassle of moving a fish tank. Yes, give her a specific deadline to get all her things out and request that she be clear on what she is donating to you or ask her to take it . She simply can't abandon property in your house. If she does, after a certain time (and written notice) you're free to sell, donate or toss it. So, in writing, address the removal of her property and the deadline. This dropping by nonsense is keeping you in limbo. Try to stay with the practicalities of getting her stuff out. Don't allow a 'drop in whenever you want' policy. After her stuff is out, change the locks. Edited February 9, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 (edited) If she doesn’t take all stuff by a deadline you give her - donate the rest. she is done and doesn’t expect to see you. Edited February 9, 2023 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom_w001 Posted February 9, 2023 Author Share Posted February 9, 2023 14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:Yes, give her a specific deadline to get all her things out and request that she be clear on what she is donating to you or ask her to take it . I told her on the day that I wanted everything gone on the day, she said she can’t take everything and I told her that’s her problem. She loved the fish so it just seemed strange to get her dad to take around food for the fish 😂 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 (edited) Three years in, I believe you know her well enough to figure out what's going on. Now, of course, part of your brain does not want to figure out what's going on! That's a different matter. There is no chance ...-none! ... zip! ... zero! ... that she gave no signals and signs of this departure and dissatisfaction with things. No way! Think back to the past 2 months and maybe the past six months. I believe she may not have spoken WORDS to that effect, but what you would notice is a change in her tone, her energy, her desire for closeness, her touch, her body language--all of that tells way more than mere words. She may have hid her dissatisfaction with the relationship behind "I'm stressed at work." I'm not saying she lied deliberately. People often don't know why their feelings shift until later. When did the "work stress" talk begin? That was most likely the sign of something coming apart. You are looking for small shifts in her energy towards you or life in general. Edited February 9, 2023 by Lotsgoingon 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 5 hours ago, Tom_w001 said: she was always firmly against cheating Well, really, who is pro-cheating? Everybody is "against" it - until some actually do it. So while it's hard to say whether she's got someone else in mind or already on her radar, it's absolute BS that work stress made her want to move out and essentially end the relationship. Wanting to be closer to work is one thing - wanting space from you was your sign that this was not at all about the commute. She's not being totally honest here. I am sorry you are going through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 Did you have a wedding date set? did you buy her a ring? how old are you both? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom_w001 Posted February 9, 2023 Author Share Posted February 9, 2023 11 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: There is no chance ...-none! ... zip! ... zero! ... that she gave no signals and signs of this departure and dissatisfaction with things. No way! Think back to the past 2 months and maybe the past six months. I believe she may not have spoken WORDS to that effect, but what you would notice is a change in her tone, her energy, her desire for closeness, her touch, her body language--all of that tells way more than mere words. She has never been very big on affection or expressing her feelings, so it’s hard to tell from that. She does work long hours because it’s five days condensed into four days and she has to commute an hour each way, she leaves the house at 7am and never use to return till 6pm, which I think over time might wear me down as well. she did say that we could stay together on her days off but I don’t fancy being a part time boyfriend after dating someone for three years. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 OK I hate to break this new but this is a bad sign. She has never been very big on affection or expressing her feelings, so it’s hard to tell from that. Dude, why are you dating someone who's not big on affection or expressing her feelings? That's two of the key joys and bonding points of romantic relationships. I'm sorry to say. I don't think she was ever really into you. I'm not saying she disliked you. She clearly liked you and thought and thinks you're a good person. But to succeed romance needs OVERWHELMING clarity and feeling to keep going. If she was so lukewarm from the git-go, you don't want to excuse that. You don't want to put up with that. Staying with someone like this will only trigger your insecurities cause part of your brain and body will sense something ain't right. Basically don't date someone like this the next time. It's an immediately unequal relationship with her being the distant one and non-expressive one. So basically she was so distant all along that she wants to move out basically and STILL not express clearly what she's feeling. You can't trust her. Sorry, you can't. You'll never have that feeling of security or vocal admiration for that matter. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 Was the wedding planned? How old are you both? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 I’m sorry to hear this. Break ups are not always clean cut or very clear. She does seem somewhat attached to you if she still wants to see you. After many years together and a marriage that was the same for my ex spouse and I when we were separating. We continued to meet out of companionship and sort out our details but the relationship was really over. We divorced eventually. In your case you’re not married. If the fish tank is still there, you can adopt the fish out or take them to a local fish shop and see if they will take them in. Her dad delivering fish food was a message that she can’t take the fish or the tank. You can let her know your plans for moving it or what you’re doing with the fish. I’ll never understand why people have their friends and family do these types of favours instead of calmly or maturely owning up to the situation and handling it themselves. Save instances of abuse and personal safety, she should have met with you or discussed these details. You suspected her commute may be an issue but her lack of communication speaks volumes about your relationship. Was it volatile in any way? It’s hard to imagine anyone would behave like this under ordinary circumstances. You’ll have to decide eventually if you trust her enough to be with her or live with her again if the situation really is as confusing as you say. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 10 hours ago, Tom_w001 said: I don’t fancy being a part time boyfriend after dating someone for three years. So the point of her moving is that her/her father's place is closer to work? She does have a grueling schedule so that part seems legitimate. However why are the commute and hours suddenly an issue if you've been together 3 years? Something doesn't seem to be adding up if she's tiptoeing out of the relationship but still wants to get together on days off. Has this relationship gone anywhere in these 3 years? For example are you two in the same timeline as far as future, marriage, family, etc ? Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 She took the cowards way out to avoid confrontation. She lied about it being about her work when she was just plain leaving you. Sounds like she has been checked out for a while. If you were engaged and you gave her a ring, get it back. She wants to be petty but don't let her keep the ring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 I get the feeling he didn’t give her a ring - and the wedding wasn’t being planned. could be empty promises that lead to this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tom_w001 Posted February 11, 2023 Author Share Posted February 11, 2023 (edited) On 2/10/2023 at 5:56 PM, S2B said: I get the feeling he didn’t give her a ring - and the wedding wasn’t being planned. could be empty promises that lead to this. No empty promises, you can’t be engaged for a year without a ring. We were trying for a baby as a I previously stated but she had some health conditions so we would have had to go down the IVF route which was more important for the both of us than paying for a wedding. I actually wanted to plan for the wedding. an as for the comments about maybe she is acting like that because of abuse, you couldn’t be more off the mark, I literally gave her everything she wanted and tried to make her happy. I have never abused a women and never will. anyway I don’t think this is a very constructive or helpful forum and seems to be rather negative from certain users so I won’t be responding anymore. Edited February 11, 2023 by Tom_w001 Additional information Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted February 14, 2023 Share Posted February 14, 2023 On 2/11/2023 at 9:30 PM, Tom_w001 said: We were trying for a baby as a I previously stated but she had some health conditions so we would have had to go down the IVF route Maybe this was all she wanted, and because it didn't happen, she walked away. I know a woman who did this to a friend of mine. Married him but as soon as she got the baby she wanted she was out of there. Link to post Share on other sites
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