Would you enter back into this relationship?

[howwouldiknownow22]

Hi all.. I've posted here before and clearly have had my slew of troublesome partners --- so, I thought I'd ask for some objective advice.

Last year after a breakup with one of the above mentioned, troublesome partners,  I went out on a date with someone who actually flew in to meet me from another state.  He stayed at a hotel and took me to dinner and we had a great night.

He flew home the next day (only kissed) and then I offered to fly to meet him in a nearby destination city -- and I would get my own hotel.   He said if all continued to go as it was falling into place...he wanted me to come with him to see his home and go to dinner with his friends the next night.

When I got there -- we had a couple of drinks and then headed to dinner.   He is a business owner and I totally understand the responsibilities connected to that, of course!  But during dinner -- a woman FACETIMED him.  I could see it on the table... as the FaceTime call was coming through.    He ended ti quickly and didn't actually ANSWER.   Then she called back -- and he did the FaceTime WITH HER -- while we were there at our dinner.   I excused myself and went to the bathroom and I was very upset tbh.  

I had had a few drinks so I was feeling extremely empowered and I told him I felt that was completely wrong to do on a Friday at 7pm with me (after I just flew to be there too).  

He said she and her husband were arguing and that they were drinking and they are all friends...and they often call him when drunk.

I thought WTH?!    So, I told him that this didn't seem right -- and I would not be interested in spending additional time there --- that this didn't add up. And I literally took an uber to the airport and flew home.

He was less than thrilled and shocked at my reaction.  He and I had no further contact.  

Well this past week he reached out ...out of the blue:  

He apologized for what happened but said ... I was extremely overreacting and that she was a long term employee and he didn't mean any disrespect.

He asked if he could fly me out to have dinner ..and that he really felt a strong connection with me and just wants to have dinner.  

He invited me to go this Saturday night ..   and while I like the IDEA of him...  I'm not sure how to feel given our past history.

And I think I sensed some arrogance with him.   For example, last night I was sharing some of my issues from my day after he asked why I was working so late and if he could help..... so, I asked him for some advice from the challenge I was experiencing w my client -- given that he's so accomplished.   I told him that I felt it's possible that I was overly concerned...and he said "yeah, I think that's something I've experienced before from YOU!"

I laughed it off... then I texted him today and told him that I got a random testimonial from that client today!  And I sent him the video clip -- and how I was so grateful that it all turned out well.

His reply to this video testimonial was "well that doesn't suck".

Again, maybe I am just overreacting or whatever....but after this...I've considered just cancelling his very generous flight and hotel accommodations and not going.   

Would you try this again, if you were me?  

Edited February 9, 2023 by howwouldiknownow22

[Wiseman2]

In this case it may be better to leave the past in the past. Whenever an ex contacts someone, it's for their own reasons. Dry spell, just got dumped, etc.

Consider moving forward rather than backward considering all the bad blood and unpleasant water under the bridge.

Edited February 9, 2023 by Wiseman2

[howwouldiknownow22]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

In this case it may be better to leave the past in the past. Whenever an ex contacts someone, it's for their own reasons. Dry spell, just got dumped, etc.

Consider moving forward rather than backward considering all the bad blood and unpleasant water under the bridge.

Maybe so... but, he already bought me a plane ticket and a hotel room.   Is it possible that I WAS overreacting?  Or would you have the same concerns as I do? 

[stillafool]

No I think it's best to let him go and try to meet a man that isn't long distance.  Pretty much any man who is long distance will have other women/a woman in his orbit unless he's deeply in love with you and making plans to prove it.  You get triggered easily and won't be happy in the end.

[basil67]

I wouldn't have given him another chance.   It's foolish of him to get  involved in their drunken shenanigans is stupid in the first place, but doing so on a date is just plain rude.   And his apology of "I'm sorry I did this, but you...." is a total non apology and would have been the biggest dealbreaker of this whole thing.   What is tells us is that each time you and he have a disagreement where he's actually wrong, he'll gaslight you into questioning yourself. 

I'm so glad to see you starting to trust your own instincts.    Do not meet with him again.   But do be prepared for him to guilt you when you cancel, so after you tell him that you can't meet, block him immediately so that you don't have to see/hear it all.  

[howwouldiknownow22]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I wouldn't have given him another chance.   It's foolish of him to get  involved in their drunken shenanigans is stupid in the first place, but doing so on a date is just plain rude.   And his apology of "I'm sorry I did this, but you...." is a total non apology and would have been the biggest dealbreaker of this whole thing.   What is tells us is that each time you and he have a disagreement where he's actually wrong, he'll gaslight you into questioning yourself. 

I'm so glad to see you starting to trust your own instincts.    Do not meet with him again.   But do be prepared for him to guilt you when you cancel, so after you tell him that you can't meet, block him immediately so that you don't have to see/hear it all.  

 

Thank you    I just worry I am sliding back FAR to the other extreme of not opening my heart to people who make human mistakes.

But, I agree with you..  I'm just going to thank him, cancel in the kindest way. possible, and block.   

He doesn't want to truly admit he was wrong....he wants to continue w the them that I overreacted.   

Overall....over the past few days that we've connected via phone .... he's not communicating with me in a way that I feel I can connect fully with him ...and vice versa.

He's aloof...and even yesterday when I was describing my client issue...(after he asked about it).... I almost felt guilty for talking about it ...and then he made the joke about how he knows I've overreacted before...    (referring to our issue prior to that ...). 

UGH ....  I guess I'm getting stronger...but it hurts.   I don't want to stay alone forever...  

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

and then he made the joke about how he knows I've overreacted before...    (referring to our issue prior to that ...). 

What the heck!   If the first issue wasn't a glaring red flag, then this should have been.  I would have hung up on and blocked someone who said this to me. 

Don't bother wasting your time with being as kind as you can.  No matter what you say, I guarantee he's going to twist this around and insult you and you're going to question yourself again and feel bad. 

I'm not generally a proponent of texting a breakup, but this is one time when it will be warranted.  Send "I've changed my mind on meeting you - I can't see us working out together" and then immediately block him.  Do not engage further.  Do not give detailed reasons.  Just extract yourself as quickly as possible

[howwouldiknownow22]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

What the heck!   If the first issue wasn't a glaring red flag, then this should have been.  I would have hung up on and blocked someone who said this to me. 

Don't bother wasting your time with being as kind as you can.  No matter what you say, I guarantee he's going to twist this around and insult you and you're going to question yourself again and feel bad. 

I'm not generally a proponent of texting a breakup, but this is one time when it will be warranted.  Send "I've changed my mind on meeting you - I can't see us working out together" and then immediately block him.  Do not engage further.  Do not give detailed reasons.  Just extract yourself as quickly as possible

 

Yes he truly doesn't think that what he did was wrong...  and now wants to use that as a way to drop nuggets of doubt into my mindset... which isn't cool.  IMO.   I haven't sent the text canceling yet -- but I will shortly.

I just feel that the trip will ...overall ...be wasted.   I don't want hook ups...and while I don't think that's what he wants....I also know that would probably be what I'm tempted to do...given that the reconnection would be a failure.   

If we can't connect on the phone this week....why would it be different in person......

[basil67]

Why are you choosing to talk with guys who live a plane ride away?

[howwouldiknownow22]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Why are you choosing to talk with guys who live a plane ride away?

My son will head to college in a year and I don't want to stay in the city that we live...after he goes to School. So, I've tried to broaden my scope because for long term...I'd like to live elsewhere.  But, it's important that I carry out in my current town ...with my son... as much as I can and WHEN I can.  Hope that makes sense.  And I'm always upfront with my dates about that... I want LTR and I want to move elsewhere when my son goes to college.  

[Lotsgoingon]

No, you didn't over-react. No! You treated yourself well and refused to silently endure nonsense from this guy. 

Over-react is just b.s. You could apply that to everything if you want. BTW: do you believe his explanation? Why do you believe it? You have the right remain highly skeptical here. He's had a ton of time to make up reasons and a good story and all that.  And he's trying to say you were also at fault. No! No! No! You simply spoke out and acted on some extremely rude and dismissive and scary behavior (scary in the sense that he's clearly not prioritizing you). So what that she had a problem with her husband. So what?! Why is that reason for him to take the call. Married people have all kinds of conflicts over the years. Was she in violent jeopardy? That would be the only exception, the only justifiable reason, to take the call--that her life was in danger. 

Don't let him say you over-reacted--that puts you on the defense. Tell him he stupidly-acted when he took this woman's ft call while out with you.

No, here's the thing. If you had done anything other than getting up and leaving, you would have sent a signal to this guy that you will put up with anything. I bet he takes a call (he'll be shorter but it will feel bad) if you see him.

Now, you do know that all he wants is sex, right?

Edited February 9, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Alpacalia]

I might find it comical if another woman face timed a man I was on a 2nd date with, but not if he answered and proceeded to have a full blow conversation with her (unless it was an emergency of course like a family member or something). 

The chances of me ripping him a new one and taking off are slim. He is just not someone I would choose to go out with again.

 

Edited February 10, 2023 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

He's aloof...and even yesterday when I was describing my client issue...(after he asked about it).... I almost felt guilty for talking about it ...and then he made the joke about how he knows I've overreacted before...    (referring to our issue prior to that ...). 

Sounds to me he doesn't like talking about work when he's off.  Maybe he feels that's boring and he wants a more personal, feminine sexual vibe instead of always discussing clients. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

Yes he truly doesn't think that what he did was wrong..

It's not about what he thinks.  It's what YOU think about the disrespect he has shown you.  Why are you still entertaining this dude?

[howwouldiknownow22]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

It's not about what he thinks.  It's what YOU think about the disrespect he has shown you.  Why are you still entertaining this dude?

Such a good point... excellent insight!

I didn't tell him yet that I wasn't coming...just to see how today would progress.   He said he had dinner with his "brother" but he's not texted or contacted me since 3pm.   

If he is "committed" to making "us work" and wants me to come to dinner this weekend...  interesting if I don't text him ...he doesn't contact me in the evening.  

So I'm supposed to fly there tomorrow night ...and he can't even text me tonight?   NOPE.   

As someone said here.. he's probably on the rebound....

[Alpacalia]

Why would you fly there to see him after he prioritized another phone call in the middle of the date and then said that you over reacted? And are you really interested in buying into the "my friend's wife was drunk so I had to take the call" explano?

I think it's great that he is willing to apologize for his past behavior and make efforts to make it up to you.

His behavior since then has not been the most reassuring.

It sounds like he may be slightly arrogant and dismissive, which isn't the best attitude to have in a relationship.

My guess is that if you pursue this, I think you'll continue to react very strongly to him and he'll have a field day with you.

Edited February 10, 2023 by Alpacalia

[BrinnM]

Sounds exactly like the other long-distance guy that was dismissive wrt your business emails. Only this time, it’s a testimonial video clip from a client. Or is it the same guy? If it is the same guy, you already know he’s bad news. If it’s a different guy who has the exact same traits (dismissive, drinking, business owner, good at his job, etc.), then he’s probably also bad news.
 

However: The restaurant incident per se wouldn’t have bothered me that much, though. Everybody has a life and everybody has friends that will call at times. And if somebody calls twice within a few seconds, you answer, because it could be important.
 

You didn’t say how long they talked, but it didn’t sound to me like it took forever. So yes, I’m in the minority here - you overreacted, if I look at the restaurant incident only, but all things put together, the guy sounds unlikeable as a whole. 
 

[NuevoYorko]

Do you have any criteria for a potential boyfriend besides that they be a "business owner,"  participate in your "mastermind groups," and fancy themselves to be some kind of jet-setter who flies hither and yon for dates?  At least it seems like you didn't have to pay for the dinner, though it was still a pretty expensive date with the flight and hotel room.

Why?  

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

, he already bought me a plane ticket and a hotel room. 

Ok. So it's just a visit not necessarily "entering back into this relationship"

Try not to think that far ahead.  All he's offering at this time is a plane ticket and a visit, not  necessarily reestablishing a relationship.

Edited February 10, 2023 by Wiseman2

[MsJayne]

I say no. He's ill-mannered and he talks to drunken employees about their marital problems, (that alone suggests he's a bit of a flog). Taking unimportant 'phone calls, (any call which doesn't involve a life-threatening emergency), during a meal or a date is rude any time, but on a first date? He's socially inept, and if he treats you with disrespect on a first date it can only go downhill from there. You're not over-reacting, and his invitation sounds more like manipulation to me....he expects you to put out if he's paying for everything. I'd put $ on him plying you with plenty of alcohol at dinner. 

[glows]

Cancel the trip and mention you’ve reconsidered. I’d leave it at that and if he has questions say you prefer not keeping in touch. Bland responses are best. Block and delete the contact. You don’t have to overexplain or feel obligated. 

I think his comments could have been intended as a kind of arrogant or narcissistic humour but it’s at your expense and ultimately rude and tragically crass. 

You’re asking for help again mixing business and pleasure when it comes to your work. Say something lighthearted and chat again tomorrow or along those lines instead of talking about work. No need to be so honest or literal about what you’re doing. Have better boundaries. I don’t think he treats you well and you seem to seek help or validation in unfortunate ways.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

Such a good point... excellent insight!

I didn't tell him yet that I wasn't coming...just to see how today would progress.   He said he had dinner with his "brother" but he's not texted or contacted me since 3pm.   

If he is "committed" to making "us work" and wants me to come to dinner this weekend...  interesting if I don't text him ...he doesn't contact me in the evening.  

So I'm supposed to fly there tomorrow night ...and he can't even text me tonight?   NOPE.   

As someone said here.. he's probably on the rebound....

 

At this point, I'm questioning your motives more than his.   If you were serious about having respectful, stable relationships, you would have cut him off.  But instead, it very much appears you're hanging on for the drama.

Edited February 10, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

If he is "committed" to making "us work" and wants me to come to dinner this weekend...  

It seems like all he's offering is dinner and a hotel room. Did he ever say he's "committed to making us work"?

 

[JTSW]

In my honest opinion, I think you overreacted.

You made assumptions about who this woman was before giving him a chance to explain it.

I think he's trying to make light of the situation but is making himself look like an ass in the process.

At the end of the day you have to do what you feel is right for you.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, I get on a plane to go see a woman and she's at dinner FT'ing someone who is allegedly drunk--that's the crisis, she's drunk?--heck no. I'm done. 

If I don't feel safe (emotionally with someone's distractions and interruptions) I need to call things off. All else would be a waste of time. 

You acted so decisively--I'm a little surprised you're doubting yourself right now.  Get back out there and meet some people who are good for you.  Move forward--don't take the lazy way out of things by seeing this rude guy. Who is btw still defending himself by alleging over-reaction on your part. 

I've been on dates when people got distracted and I felt lost in the encounter. None of those connections turned out well--even when I didn't bring up how disconnected I felt with the distractions, even when I gave them a pass for this being an initial encounter.