Response to Cheating Partner

[poppyfields]

Hey guys, I have a question I'd like to run by y'all when you get a minute.

If you discovered that your SO had cheated and you had actual proof, would you confront them which would undoubtedly cause an argument and unnecessary drama and would accomplish nothing, as even though you had proof, they would most likely deny and call YOU crazy.

OR, would you keep your cool, pretend all is fine, but secretly get your things in order, gather what you need (the essentials) and then while they were at work one day, write a note saying BYE and leave quietly?

Kind of like what Meryl Streep did in Kramer v. Kramer although her husband wasn’t cheating, she was feeling restless and boxed in with all the responsibilities, their child and their marriage was dead.

I think I would do that latter, write the note and leave.  Not sure what confronting would accomplish, as I said they would deny, call you crazy, a fight would ensue and since I would want OUT anyway, what would be the point of that?

This isn’t me by the way, I am writing this for a friend (truly!!).  And there are no children involved.

My reaction to certain things and the way I choose to handle deception and the like tends to be a bit different from most women so want to make sure I am giving her sound advice.

Thanks guys!!

 

Edited February 10, 2023 by poppyfields

[BrinnM]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

OR, would you keep your cool, pretend all is fine, but secretly get your things in order, gather what you need (the essentials) and then while they were at work one day, write a note saying BYE and leave quietly?

This 👆🏼

Classier than the first option. But only if there’s 110% solid proof; otherwise, you’d look like a ridiculous fool. But yes, I’d just walk out. 
 

The first option only makes sense for those who aren’t completely done yet, ie they want the other person to be remorseful or ashamed, they want the relationship back, they want to be “right”, they want an apology/explanation, they want the other person to fight for them (ego boost), they want to talk things over & discuss things, and whatnot. 
It’ll usually just end in lies and drama. Not worth the energy. 

Edited February 10, 2023 by BrinnM

[S2B]

I’d state what I know as fact. Then I’d make sure he knew that things were over.

no need for arguments or denials.

but I did do this to my 20 year marriage. I ended it and didn’t want to talk to him any further than that.

I still don’t want to (he lies and lies) so there is no point as he only thinks of himself.

so ya - that’s what I would do. It was for me - not him.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

  then while they were at work one day, write a note saying BYE and leave quietly?

If they are married or co-own property, it's more complicated. So your friend may need legal advice before simply abandoning the situation/property. If confronting the cheating is not a worthwhile pursuit, then finding a way to separate without that is a good solution. 

[poppyfields]

18 hours ago, BrinnM said:

Classier than the first option. But only if there’s 110% solid proof; otherwise, you’d look like a ridiculous fool. But yes, I’d just walk out. 

Thanks @BrinnMyou and I are on the same wavelength about this. And yes she has solid proof and she's done. 

The marriage has been suffering for a long time, they've been married several years.  

So she's okay about ending just wasn't sure how to do it.  

She dislikes drama, same as me. 

Leave quietly is more my style. 

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Edited February 10, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[stillafool]

I've actually done both.   The first time one of my ex BFS cheated I immediately confronted him about it, he made nice and we continued.  The second time I didn't waste my breathe.  I rented another apt and had my stuff moved out while he was at work.  

[Weezy1973]

18 hours ago, poppyfields said:

OR, would you keep your cool, pretend all is fine, but secretly get your things in order, gather what you need (the essentials) and then while they were at work one day, write a note saying BYE and leave quietly?

This is what I did the time I suspected my partner at the time cheated. Whether they really did or not was irrelevant as I had lost trust, so what’s the point of staying together then. We lived together but other than that didn’t have much tying us together, so it was a relatively easy break up.

 

I do think things change somewhat if there are kids involved or a long history. Then I would probably “confront” and see how they react. If they deny / lie / gaslight then it’s over. If they come clean immediately and are willing to do whatever it takes, then maybe I would contemplate staying. 

[smackie9]

I would seek out legal counsel first, learn my rights etc. Get the process started. Then I would pack up everything while he’s at work. I would leave behind the proof of the affair with photos of texts, photos of them together and my lawyers business card. With a note I would say if you need to contact me, you will have to go through my lawyer.