I love my wife, but I don't love marriage.

[An_Unremarkable_Man]

I am two years into my second marriage (the first one ended after a messy three years), and I feel like I’ve already settled into the stable marriage lifestyle. Now I know the honeymoon period wears off and it won’t be exciting all the time, after all stability can be a good thing. But now it feels as if me and my wife are just roommates. We have different work schedules and when she gets home; she likes to play on her phone and relax (fair enough!). But we never talk about anything meaningful. She doesn’t care about the bigger questions in life, or when I try to have a meaningful conversation, she just answers me with simple one or two-word answers. Again, fair enough, not everybody shares the same motives and interests. But the thing that I just can’t accept (and have been wrestling with for 3 years) is monogamy. I don’t want to only be with one person for the rest of my life, and this isn’t just about the sexual stuff. I just don’t believe in monogamy. I think it is out-dated and unsuitable for some people. Even if people disagree (again, everyone is entitled to their opinions) all I know is that being in this marriage makes me feel trapped, tied down, and lacking in so many areas of my life. I love my wife so much, but I just hate marriage. This is not the first time I have felt like this. All of my previous relationships have failed because I don’t think I can commit to monogamy. I don’t want to be that guy that sleeps around behind his wife’s back, then returns home to tuck his children in at night, but right now I just feel incredibly unfulfilled, and am starting to believe that maybe I am just not cut out for this relationship.

Any advice or feedback would be appreciated

[glows]

All that matters is what she /your wife thinks. It doesn’t matter what others think of marriage or monogamy. Is she aware you had these tendencies before marrying you? Do you have children together? 

What does she enjoy doing or what would she rather do with you if she wasn’t on her phone? What’s her idea of romance?

[An_Unremarkable_Man]

No it isn't important what others think, but it is important what I think, as well as my wife. I have asked her these same questions, she is not a romantic, she is a realist. Her idea of a good relationship is just "having me around" (her words) even if we aren't doing anything together. We come from different countries with obvious cultural differences, which makes the situation difficult. I have spoken to her many times about these things, before and after marriage. It just gets forgotten about and brought to light every few months.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, An_Unremarkable_Man said:

. I have spoken to her many times about these things, before and after marriage. 

Does your wife know you want an open relationship? You'll have to start there. However if you married and she was under the assumption that it's a monogamous marriage and now you're switching the terms, you may have to negotiate something or ask for a divorce so you can be free to explore your feelings.

[glows]

What “bigger questions” are you asking anyway? Some people aren’t interested in philosophical talks. It can be very frustrating but have you stopped to consider that she might not have anything meaningful to add? Why did you marry her if you don’t match intellectually?

And if you’re not monogamous and knew that beforehand why did you choose marriage of all things? Did you get swept up in the honeymoon period and just forget also this part about yourself?

[JTSW]

Why the hell did you get married in the first place if you don't believe in monogamy?

You put yourself in this situation and it'll be you hurting people in the future because its obvious you will act on it.

[Els]

3 hours ago, An_Unremarkable_Man said:

But the thing that I just can’t accept (and have been wrestling with for 3 years) is monogamy. I don’t want to only be with one person for the rest of my life, and this isn’t just about the sexual stuff. I just don’t believe in monogamy. I think it is out-dated and unsuitable for some people. Even if people disagree (again, everyone is entitled to their opinions) all I know is that being in this marriage makes me feel trapped, tied down, and lacking in so many areas of my life.

Some people just aren't cut out for marriage. It sounds like you're one of them. And there's nothing wrong with that... as long as you don't get married. So, knowing this about yourself, why did you still get married? And not just once, but TWICE??

3 hours ago, An_Unremarkable_Man said:

. I don’t want to be that guy that sleeps around behind his wife’s back, then returns home to tuck his children in at night, but right now I just feel incredibly unfulfilled, and am starting to believe that maybe I am just not cut out for this relationship.

Such a person would almost certainly be the scum of society. However, there's nothing wrong with being a single, childfree man who has casual sex with many women. Key word being single.

If that's the lifestyle you want, you know what you have to do.

Edited February 10, 2023 by Els

[Alpacalia]

What would you like to talk with your wife about? Seneca? Newman?

I don't taut your aversion to the institution of marriage. I have the same aversion but for very different reasons.

It seems to have two sides. Feeling emotionally disconnected from your wife and not wanting to be monogamous sexually.

 

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, An_Unremarkable_Man said:

Any advice or feedback would be appreciated

I have two thoughts - 

You are not compatible with your wife. 

And, you should stay single. And that’s ok, not everyone is made for a long term monotonous relationship. But, if that’s you - you would serve yourself and the women you date well to set the expectations accordingly…

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

not everyone is made for a long term monotonous relationship.

Oops, clearly a typo - autocorrect. I meant to say not everyone is made for a long term monogamous relationship. 

[central]

Well, you're not happy as things are, so change them! Ask for an open relationship if that's what would work and you want to remain married. If she says no, then divorce her so you an go after what your really want that may make you happy - and she'll be free to look for someone who wants the same things she does.

[MsJayne]

Is it monogamy that you dislike, or the lack of attention that comes from being taken for granted? I suspect it's the being taken for granted that's niggling you and so you crave some affirmative female attention, something to perk up a starved ego. l suggest you have an honest conversation with her about the fact that you're bored and lonely and are craving the company of other women, and that should motivate her to put her 'phone down and give more than a grunt in response. Of course, there may be a reason she retreats into her 'phone when she's around you, she may be as bored as you are. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You got two issues here and you have connected them in a confusing way.

One issue is you don't have much of a connection with your wife. Blunt: why the heck did you marry here? All these behaviors had to be evidence a year before marriage. Almost all of what you describe! Sounds like you guys could benefit from counseling--since you don't despise her. 

Then you bring up monogamy. Monogamy or not, you may have married someone who is just not a good partner for you. That's the issue. You go beyond monogamy you might be picking equally ill-fitting partners. 

You say you love your wife. We don't marry someone only because we love them. Part of me really doesn't believe you. I have loved people who have schizophrenia. I have loved homeless people (current family member). Doesn't mean I'm going to date them, or marry them or recommend them for marriage to someone else! I got to have compatibility. Some shared interests or shared energy and some chemistry that we help each other and inspire each other, listen well to each other and so on. There has got to be some life, some vitality. 

I'ma be blunt: this sounds like a terrible marriage from the start. Like you randomly picked someone walking down the street without screening for compatibility and not making clear what you want! If you want to go beyond monogamy, you have tell people that when you're dating to screen them. No interest, you move on. Interest, you proceed to the next step. 

I'm not buying that the way she behaves now is suddenly new. Not buying it. 

[pepperbird2]

On 2/10/2023 at 2:51 AM, An_Unremarkable_Man said:

I am two years into my second marriage (the first one ended after a messy three years), and I feel like I’ve already settled into the stable marriage lifestyle. Now I know the honeymoon period wears off and it won’t be exciting all the time, after all stability can be a good thing. But now it feels as if me and my wife are just roommates. We have different work schedules and when she gets home; she likes to play on her phone and relax (fair enough!). But we never talk about anything meaningful. She doesn’t care about the bigger questions in life, or when I try to have a meaningful conversation, she just answers me with simple one or two-word answers. Again, fair enough, not everybody shares the same motives and interests. But the thing that I just can’t accept (and have been wrestling with for 3 years) is monogamy. I don’t want to only be with one person for the rest of my life, and this isn’t just about the sexual stuff. I just don’t believe in monogamy. I think it is out-dated and unsuitable for some people. Even if people disagree (again, everyone is entitled to their opinions) all I know is that being in this marriage makes me feel trapped, tied down, and lacking in so many areas of my life. I love my wife so much, but I just hate marriage. This is not the first time I have felt like this. All of my previous relationships have failed because I don’t think I can commit to monogamy. I don’t want to be that guy that sleeps around behind his wife’s back, then returns home to tuck his children in at night, but right now I just feel incredibly unfulfilled, and am starting to believe that maybe I am just not cut out for this relationship.

Any advice or feedback would be appreciated

So you knew this and yet you still married her?

I think your problems go a lot deeper than your marriage. 

[Will am I]

I wonder why you got married, and why yoj chose your wife to be your life partner.

After a previous marriage that ended in divorce, didn’t that cause you to think long and hard about these questions?