do men always have to approach?

[ZA Dater]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Surely you've pursued things like education, a job, the car you want, etc. It's not much different. Anything worth having doesn't just fall in your lap.  So yes, work on being friendly, personable and approachable. They're good life skills to have. Don't worry about "cold approach", just be relaxed without an agenda.

I think the nature of the "work" is very different here. To be blunt I do not want to be approachable probably because in the dating sense I never find anyone very approachable at all. Again friendly, within reason and for a specific purpose. Each day for me is needs to be 80% about purpose and doing something for that thus everything has a reason. I have never really enjoyed frivolous conversation unless there is a purpose to it. 

When I was reading this replies it seemed to me I would have a very difficult time starting any random conversation with anyone I found attractive. 

I suppose in many respects I wondered about cold approaches from the perspective of being someone nobody would approach and then I thought if I were approached what would I say and yes I probably would not have a lot to say unless there was a common interest or I felt I could add value in some sort of tangible way. 

This past weekend I saw a few cold approached and respect to those guys, huge levels of confidence and both seemed to get it right because both ladies were laughing , again my intense way of viewing everything does not lend itself to any sort of humor. 

Part of me thinks the level of how attractive one feels rubs off on the amount of confidence one is able to project which has a drastic impact on the interaction. Being useful wont win over being funny.

[glows]

I tend to talk with almost everyone I meet so conversations with strangers are common especially if I’m in an unfamiliar place. I would not take it poorly if someone were to approach me in the “cold approach” way but I might be startled and then listen to what the other person is saying.

I agree it’s much better if there is no agenda and openended friendly conversation. If there’s common ground first or an invitation to join a group outting or organized event rather than being asked on a date within seconds of an introduction (too soon, unrealistic) it makes the other person feel less on the spot. 

When I am approached by someone I don’t know and when it has led to dating it started with common ground and time spent in person gradually increased as we did more things together, then eventually dated. 

 

Edited February 13, 2023 by glows

[Weezy1973]

8 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Part of me thinks the level of how attractive one feels rubs off on the amount of confidence one is able to project which has a drastic impact on the interaction.

Confidence comes from not caring whether or not you're rejected. Like genuinely not caring. It's a mindset.

 

8 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

 Being useful wont win over being funny.

Certainly not when you first meet someone.

[basil67]

10 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

When I was reading this replies it seemed to me I would have a very difficult time starting any random conversation with anyone I found attractive. 

Can you start a random conversation with someone don't find attractive?   If you save all your random conversations only for those who you want to date, you'll get no practice.   Talking to strangers is primarily about enjoying a brief connection with someone new.  If there's a positive vibe, then think about asking them out.  

10 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

 I were approached what would I say and yes I probably would not have a lot to say unless there was a common interest or I felt I could add value in some sort of tangible way. 

Exactly....this is what we've been trying to tell you.  Social events and common interests are the way to go.  Even if it's at a party, and you see someone who's alone for a bit, you can walk up...say something nice about the party and ask how they know the host.  A conversation will flow from there.

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

People do not like those places [pick up joints] but many do go to them and do meet people there, I think that we can agree on. As meeting places I guess they can be effective . I pains me to say this but I do wonder what the current world would do without OLD...

No, I can't say that I agree that many people find partners at pick up up joints.   People I know met their partners through friends, friends of friends, while out socialising with friends, through work, through hobbies, through locality...and yes, OLD.   If OLD stopped being a thing, people would simply go back to meeting organically.  

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

When I have had a sort of random conversation its been to the point rather than flowery so for me its difficult to picture myself being able to approach any lacy with the view of dating, business yes and that I am fairly good at but then

How many times have we told you to not approach a women with a view to dating?  You approach with a view of being friendly.  If there's a good vibe and she's staying for more of your company, then think about dating. 

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I will never win when I am against the guy with charm and charisma, neither of which I have. 

With this attitude, you won't win against guys who don't have charm and charisma.  Let's face it, very few guys have charm and charisma, but they still get girlfriends and get married.  What they do have the understanding that if they want to meet others then they need to be social....and not just with those who they want to date.  

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Of course the world would be a lot easier if as I guy I did not need to show any sort of interest and interest would arrive..

Yeah well, we get back what we put in to life.  As a woman, I've never taken the approach of waiting for interest to arrive...and as a result, I've never been a woman complaining about not being able to find a guy.   The women who sit around waiting for the guys to make all the effort do seem to be a bit over represented here.

[ZA Dater]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

Can you start a random conversation with someone don't find attractive?   If you save all your random conversations only for those who you want to date, you'll get no practice.   Talking to strangers is primarily about enjoying a brief connection with someone new.  If there's a positive vibe, then think about asking them out.  

Exactly....this is what we've been trying to tell you.  Social events and common interests are the way to go.  Even if it's at a party, and you see someone who's alone for a bit, you can walk up...say something nice about the party and ask how they know the host.  A conversation will flow from there.

No, I can't say that I agree that many people find partners at pick up up joints.   People I know met their partners through friends, friends of friends, while out socialising with friends, through work, through hobbies, through locality...and yes, OLD.   If OLD stopped being a thing, people would simply go back to meeting organically.  

How many times have we told you to not approach a women with a view to dating?  You approach with a view of being friendly.  If there's a good vibe and she's staying for more of your company, then think about dating. 

With this attitude, you won't win against guys who don't have charm and charisma.  Let's face it, very few guys have charm and charisma, but they still get girlfriends and get married.  What they do have the understanding that if they want to meet others then they need to be social....and not just with those who they want to date.  

Yeah well, we get back what we put in to life.  As a woman, I've never taken the approach of waiting for interest to arrive...and as a result, I've never been a woman complaining about not being able to find a guy.   The women who sit around waiting for the guys to make all the effort do seem to be a bit over represented here.

Sure I can start a business conversation with anyone but there is a defined purpose to that conversation but I suspect this is not what you mean by a random conversation. I guess conversation might flow if I was less awkward and serious, as I say the guys who seem do well  with these sort of approaches seem to have humor which seems to help put people at ease. 

Well I suppose bars and clubs are for people like me who have few friends  .

Ok my approach with the very limited number of new dateable people I meet is to try be helpful and kind, friendly, well I suppose that is open to interpretation but I do not think that cap really fits me that well. Sure I they do get partnered up but I'll agree to disagree on the importance of charm when meeting someone, it can be very helpful as I have seen many times. As for being social, I guess I fail badly at that too unless I am in a very specific environment (work) or a very specific social environment.

That is my point few I seem to encounter make much effort at all which usually means I cant be bothered to make any effort, granted I maybe meet one person a year but flip that over and yes I have seen ladies chase guys but there are usually obvious reasons for that chase.

The part I struggle with is actually this, say for example by some miracle someone does take an interest, how do I carry on that conversation in an non awkward way, its very very difficult to do which is why I thought maybe adopting some sort of strategy where the person would put some effort making it easier, suppose if I could read people it would be easier.

What I seemingly have little difficulty doing is being the "guy who is a useful acquaintance" from time to time.

I'll observe some more guys who get this cold approach sort of right and someone find a way to build up enough confidence or enough confidence to just let it all be.

[ZA Dater]

12 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Confidence comes from not caring whether or not you're rejected. Like genuinely not caring. It's a mindset.

 

Certainly not when you first meet someone.

That is really, really, really hard for me. I see guys do this cold approach thing and sure I have tried it but my confidence is so low it just becomes such n awkward and bad first impression I can never really recover from so the person has such a negative first impression.

From what I have seen with this sort of approach of first impressions are even more important because there is probably a window of 5 min where she either decides she wants to chat further or she would rather move on.  I get what you mean about not caring but for me that is not a good approach because to do that I need to adopt a very business like mentality which does not work so well in this environment. 

I suppose yes it is a mindset, just one I find very difficult to adopt in this particular situation. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

 approach of first impressions are even more important because there is probably a window of 5 min 

Unfortunately this seems like pickup artist rhetoric and vocabulary. The more you embrace that, the worse you'll feel.

Please keep in mind that pickup artist philosophy is basically myths crafted to make you believe you can get dates/sex without effort or any qualities just by playing games.

Perhaps it's time to discontinue using manoshere material as resources for information on dating?

Edited February 14, 2023 by Wiseman2

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this seems like pickup artist rhetoric and vocabulary. The more you embrace that, the worse you'll feel.

Please keep in mind that pickup artist philosophy is basically myths crafted to make you believe you can get dates/sex without effort or any qualities just by playing games.

Perhaps it's time to discontinue using manoshere material as resources for information on dating?

Well I wont lie  have seen quite a few people find success this way. Which has tainted my point of view to a certain extent and perhaps for the worse. What I can tell you is that there have been situations where I have been in a group and end up chatting to one of the ladies in the group, the way she responds to me is very different to the other guys in the group, this has always been very noticeable. I must add I really did try on these rare occasions. 

I am sure it does not work with everyone but I am sure it would work for some. 

Am I the only one who has wondered if each day we do not pass by people who may be interested but we have no way of knowing?

[Lisa]

Thread has been closed up.  We're back to discussing topics which have been thoroughly explored in the past.