Good date, showed interest, but vague about second date

[caputo77]

I met a guy on Hinge last week and we had a solid text conversation and then he asked me if I'd like to get dinner. He picked the time and place, confirmed the night before, and showed up early which I appreciated.

We enjoyed dinner (he kindly paid) and then he immediately suggested we also go out for drinks. We found a bar nearby and chatted over two rounds of drinks. At this point it had been about two hours and I was wondering if I should end the date. I didn't really want to because I was having a great time, but also didn't want to drag the first date out too long. I went to the bathroom and when I got back he had already ordered us another round so I figured he was having a good time too and we may as well stay out. After that round, he said "where should we go next?"

So we ended up going to another bar and getting one more round. At that point we were both a little tipsy and the conversation was flowing and things were going great. We had been together for four hours and were still having a great time so I took that as a good sign. We left and started walking back towards my place. We passed his bus stop, but he insisted on walking to the next one (quite far away) so that he could walk me to my apartment. So far, so good, but as the date started wrapping up it got a little weird.

As we were walking and almost to my place, I said "I had a great time tonight, would love to hang out again". He kinda stumbled over his words and basically just said "yeah, we'll figure it out". When we got to my door, I suggested we exchange phone numbers (we had only been talking in the app before this). He said sure, but I got my phone out and gave it to him before he did, so he just put his number in my phone and said I could text him so he'd have mine, which I did NOT like because I would've liked to wait for him to text me after the date so I could gauge his interest level, but whatever. He had kind of stepped back after putting his number in my phone, so when we said goodnight we didn't even hug which surprised me! I wasn't sure if it was just end of first date jitters (it's always kind of awkward to figure out if you should kiss) or disinterest.

I went ahead and texted him as soon as I got into my apartment and reiterated that I had a good time and would love to go out again, to which he replied "yeah, it was great to meet you tonight!" Now I'm not sure how to feel. I really liked him and had a good time and I thought he did too, but I've pretty much never had a second date pan out if the guy wasn't enthusiastic about planning it either during or immediately following the first date. Ball's in his court now I guess, so I'll wait to see if he reaches out again in the next day or two. This was my first date after a 2-year relationship ended so I guess I'm just extra anxious about what comes next. What do y'all think? We're both in our late 20's btw. 

[Gaeta]

You mean you have not heard from him in a full week now?

Forget about him. Not all first dates are meant to turn into dating. We don't know these men we meet, half of them are already in relationships. Ya we'll figure it out is a man that's not interested in pursuing things. Sure he had fun but he's not going to pursue further. I've been on plenty of dates where I had fun and laughed a lot but I was not romantically interested in them. I enjoyed the moment, went home, went to next. 

[glows]

When was the dinner and drinks? Was it last night? You seem to know what you’re doing and self-aware. You were both tipsy and it must have been late by the time he walked you home. 

I’d limit the drinks and cut it shorter in future and not have someone I just met know where I live. 

[caputo77]

Sorry, should've clarified timing. We started chatting on the app last Monday, he asked me out on Tuesday, earliest day we could get together was Friday. So dinner and drinks was just last night. But yes, I hear what you're saying.

 

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, caputo77 said:

So dinner and drinks was just last night. But yes, I hear what you're saying.

OH! the guy is still asleep give him time 😉

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, caputo77 said:

Ball's in his court now I guess, so I'll wait to see if he reaches out again in the next day or two. 

It sounds like it went well. You have each other's contact now so yes, the ball is in his court. Try to relax, sometimes men are afraid to seem "overeager", so it's not a bad sign if there's a couple of days between texts or suggesting another date. Unfortunately one and done dates are common, but wait and see.

[CaliforniaGirl]

4 hours ago, caputo77 said:

I met a guy on Hinge last week and we had a solid text conversation and then he asked me if I'd like to get dinner. He picked the time and place, confirmed the night before, and showed up early which I appreciated.

We enjoyed dinner (he kindly paid) and then he immediately suggested we also go out for drinks. We found a bar nearby and chatted over two rounds of drinks. At this point it had been about two hours and I was wondering if I should end the date. I didn't really want to because I was having a great time, but also didn't want to drag the first date out too long. I went to the bathroom and when I got back he had already ordered us another round so I figured he was having a good time too and we may as well stay out. After that round, he said "where should we go next?"

So we ended up going to another bar and getting one more round. At that point we were both a little tipsy and the conversation was flowing and things were going great. We had been together for four hours and were still having a great time so I took that as a good sign. We left and started walking back towards my place. We passed his bus stop, but he insisted on walking to the next one (quite far away) so that he could walk me to my apartment. So far, so good, but as the date started wrapping up it got a little weird.

As we were walking and almost to my place, I said "I had a great time tonight, would love to hang out again". He kinda stumbled over his words and basically just said "yeah, we'll figure it out". When we got to my door, I suggested we exchange phone numbers (we had only been talking in the app before this). He said sure, but I got my phone out and gave it to him before he did, so he just put his number in my phone and said I could text him so he'd have mine, which I did NOT like because I would've liked to wait for him to text me after the date so I could gauge his interest level, but whatever. He had kind of stepped back after putting his number in my phone, so when we said goodnight we didn't even hug which surprised me! I wasn't sure if it was just end of first date jitters (it's always kind of awkward to figure out if you should kiss) or disinterest.

I went ahead and texted him as soon as I got into my apartment and reiterated that I had a good time and would love to go out again, to which he replied "yeah, it was great to meet you tonight!" Now I'm not sure how to feel. I really liked him and had a good time and I thought he did too, but I've pretty much never had a second date pan out if the guy wasn't enthusiastic about planning it either during or immediately following the first date. Ball's in his court now I guess, so I'll wait to see if he reaches out again in the next day or two. This was my first date after a 2-year relationship ended so I guess I'm just extra anxious about what comes next. What do y'all think? We're both in our late 20's btw. 

Ouch on the "we'll figure it out" thing.

My take:

He wasn't being chivalrous offering to walk you home. He was hoping to get l*id.

Hence he responded by "stumbling" and mumbling. He wasn't prepared for that response. And it seems like as soon as that happened he couldn't get out of there fast enough. He didn't even want your phone number.

I would write this one off and just keep looking around.

[stillafool]

I agree that the "we'll figure it out" was VERY non committal.  Who says that?  I think he was disappointed that after what? 5 drinks and dinner, he was invited in for sex.

[ShyViolet]

I definitely think the reason his demeanor changed was because he was disappointed you did not invite him up to your place.  He was hoping for something else.

The ball is definitely in his court.  You shouldn't text him again.

[JTSW]

I honesty don't get the best vibe from him.

He gets you all tipsy then I think he wanted to be invited up to your apartment and get intimate.

He was clearly disappointed that didn't happen and has been rather dismissive since.

[glows]

On 2/11/2023 at 6:47 AM, caputo77 said:

Sorry, should've clarified timing. We started chatting on the app last Monday, he asked me out on Tuesday, earliest day we could get together was Friday. So dinner and drinks was just last night. But yes, I hear what you're saying.

 

Today is Monday, a few days since the date on Friday. Have you heard from him? 

[caputo77]

54 minutes ago, glows said:

Today is Monday, a few days since the date on Friday. Have you heard from him? 

Thanks everyone for the input! Yes, I did hear from him...

I think the overall gut feeling was right on this one and he just wanted to sleep with me…I hadn’t heard from him by last night so I sent a feeler text asking how his weekend was. He replied this morning saying sorry for not being more forthcoming at the end of the date but he didn’t think we were a good match for a relationship and he wishes me the best. At least he didn’t ghost I guess!

Disappointing, because he had some qualities I really liked, but now I’m able to reflect back on the date with a better headspace and I realize he was being kind of pushy and creepy. He did mention going back to my apartment earlier in the night after we had the first couple of drinks and I thought he was joking so I laughed it off, but now I think he was being serious. I thought he kept extending the date because he liked me, but now I think he was just trying to loosen me up so I’d invite him over. Frustrating, because his profile was very adamant he was looking for a serious relationship, and so is mine. Plus I don’t think any of our conversations gave off the vibe that I just wanted to hook up AT ALL.

I think I was just excited because it was my first date back out there after the end of my 2 year relationship and he had some of the missing qualities that I wasn’t getting from my ex. But I’m glad I got back out there and will hopefully re-learn how to spot this kind of behavior for what it is sooner. I think I dodged a bullet and am glad I didn't question my boundary of not having a stranger over to my place the first time we met.

[glows]

It’s unfortunate he came across as pushy and creepy. Yes, pass. That’s great you’re putting yourself out there and stuck to your boundaries.

[stillafool]

I wouldn't consider a guy pushy unless he continued asking for sex or to go back to my place several times.  Once would be okay as long as he let it go after I decline.  He may be used to women having sex with him on 1st dates and that's why he springs for dinner and 5 drinks on the 1st date, who knows.  Maybe he determines comparability through sex.  You were talking as if you were enjoying yourself at first but now you think he was creepy.  Anyway I hope you find what you're looking for.

[NuevoYorko]

In general I'm convinced that a 4 hour 1st meet / date is a mistake.  

I cant gauge what you really thought about the guy.   But if there was potential for the two of you it would have helped develop that if the first date didn't extend for 4 hours and several different venues.  Not sure he "JUST" wanted to sleep with you.   I think after time passes, drinks are had and the date wears on, many men will start to get ideas and become somewhat goal-oriented about them.  That can lead to general disappointment when it doesn't happen.

 

[Weezy1973]

7 hours ago, caputo77 said:

 Frustrating, because his profile was very adamant he was looking for a serious relationship, and so is mine.

Just a note that he probably is looking for a serious relationship, but after meeting you, like he said it wasn't a relationship match. Doesn't mean he still wouldn't have liked some sex. This is good to remember as you continue dating. Someone can genuinely be looking for a serious relationship, but also in the meantime is fine with casual sex if they're not finding a match. If you want to avoid that, you can specifically put in your profile that you're not interested in hookups or casual sex. 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, caputo77 said:

 . I think I dodged a bullet and am glad I didn't question my boundary of not having a stranger over to my place the first time we met.

Agree. The date went on way too long and involved too much drinking for a first meet. That's usually not a good sign.  It seems he figured he'll wine and dine his way into a one night stand.

All you can do is make the first meeting brief and casual, more like an introduction and to determine if you want a second date. Save dinners and barhopping for when things are better established. 

[mortensorchid]

"We'll figure it out" is another way of saying "See ya".  I had some internet date years ago where the guy said "We'll work something out" when he said good-bye to me.  That meant I would never hear from him again.  I also think you extended things far too long by going to not one but two bars after the dinner was over.  You should just have bowed out after that.  And honestly, avoid any alcohol intake when you are meeting someone, especially for the first time.  

 

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

And honestly, avoid any alcohol intake when you are meeting someone, especially for the first time.

I agree with this because it seems no matter how much they drink, they will judge your drinking.

[smackie9]

Ya the guy was hoping you would have gotten intoxicated enough to let him spend the night. You now understand his motives for making it a good time. 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Definitely draw the line of drinks next time. Get out of the idea that you must go along with someone else's agenda. Going to one additional place for drinks is enough! Have one round is enough, two more than enough. 

Going to yet a different place--you got get your alarm system going, get it fixed!!!!--that was a time to say no. You're not in a drinking contest. You're on a date to find out about this person. If he needs that much alcohol to be interesting or to open up, no, he ain't the guy for you. 

Quit this passive "going along" stuff. 

BTW: you don't want such a heavy drinker to come to your door. No!

Now if your goal for the night was to have drunk sex with someone, then act as you did. If your goal is to have a sane date, then drop all the going along stuff. Just because he wants to drink more MEANS NOTHING for you. Stay with your agenda. 

[NuevoYorko]

On 2/13/2023 at 2:05 PM, Weezy1973 said:

Just a note that he probably is looking for a serious relationship, but after meeting you, like he said it wasn't a relationship match. Doesn't mean he still wouldn't have liked some sex. This is good to remember as you continue dating. Someone can genuinely be looking for a serious relationship, but also in the meantime is fine with casual sex if they're not finding a match. 

This is very true and seems to be often forgotten.  The person is not necessarily a "player" or misrepresenting themselves when they decide that someone they met is not who they are seeing themselves with for the long term.  Disappointing, frequently, but not "bad."  Another good reason to parse out time carefully early on.   Best to not get very invested before you know you're both in the same state of mind about where it's going.

Edited February 15, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[S2B]

You agreed to too much alcohol. He thought if he got you drunk - you’d sleep with him.

next date limit to one drink. And get an idea if you think he may be taken or married. My gut says he may be married.

but several bars after dinner? That was a big red flag. At best, the guy drinks too much.

[CollinW]

I say this all the time and I'll say it again. Dates are nothing more than social situations and just because a man makes it a great experience for you, doesn't mean it was a great situation for him. 

[justwhoiam]

On 2/13/2023 at 3:50 PM, caputo77 said:

he was just trying to loosen me up so I’d invite him over.

That was clear to me as soon as I read your first post. No man would pay for dinner and then get you 4 rounds of drinks (which presumably were paid by him too) unless he thought the night was going somewhere, aka sex. He tried getting you drinks in the hope you'd give in. It resulted in a waste of money for him, and of course he doesn't want to repeat the fail (his). At the same time, a woman who's out with basically a stranger drinking all night is not probably considered good relationship material.

I disagree with people who said you need to keep it short. When I met my man, that first night we were out for 6 hours, talking, walking, etc. and when we had to part ways, it was the same thing: neither of us knew if we'd ever meet again. So follow your gut. Good thing you didn't invite him over.