Why is dating so hard these days

[Thomas100121]

I am struggling to find anyone to date. I tried various apps. Nothing.

[glows]

What kinds of qualities do you find attractive in a partner? 

[Philosopher]

The issue with apps these days is that most profiles do not contain enough information to really gauge how compatible you would be with that person. This I think is mainly due the swipe left / right nature of them which favours matching based on looks rather personality. This lends itself to people misrepresenting themselves, such as using photos from when they were younger so they can get more matches. Finally the apps usually have more men than women on them. All this means that for guys it hard to get dates and when you get a date, they tend to be disappointing. Apps therefore I think are best used as a backup rather that the primary means of dating. 

Is there any hobby that particularly interests you? If there is, have you tried using meetup.com groups related to that hobby to meet others?

[flaxcapacitor]

I'm not a fan of apps at all and would much prefer to meet women naturally; and I do a lot to try and make this happen, I go out, I socialise, I meet new people, I meet women (just cos people will often assume that if you're having problems meeting people it must be cos you're a recluse).

However apps have made it quite a bit harder to meet people in this way. Why would any woman waste her time on me if we meet in person when she could easily pick up her phone and have her pick from countless guys who are all better looking, more charismatic and more interesting than me? In the past I stood more of a chance because yeah maybe a girl feels that she could do much better than me, but where are all these better guys? I'm the only one who is right here right now, who you can talk you. Now better guys (and better girls, I'm not claiming that only guys get rejected or going down a rabbit hole of misogyny) are available at a swipe.

So I find myself on the apps because it seems to be the only potential way for me to meet women, but what's the point when, if I'm being presented to women as an option for a bit of window shopping, I'm never going to get anywhere, there are always far better options.

It sucks and I'm not quite old enough to really know what dating was like before, there was some level of OLD around back when I was in my early 20s though Tinder and the like really have made it just a case of comparison shopping.

[Alpacalia]

Choice paradox: the more options we have, the harder it is to make a decision.

In part, that's why.

Dating should involve some challenge.

The sweet spot can be hard to find; you have to be open, but not too open.

Taking it from a different perspective, you would not go to a party expecting to meet your best friend, right? You wouldn't do that, right? Do you think dating is different from other types of relationships? Unless you're lucky.

Edited March 11, 2023 by Alpacalia

[mark clemson]

On 2/11/2023 at 7:00 AM, Thomas100121 said:

I am struggling to find anyone to date. I tried various apps. Nothing.

Move to a major metropolitan area with many people around. Work on yourself to make yourself very attractive (or at least as attractive as possible). Go out and meet people in real life, e.g. through MeetUps, hobbies, social events. Pay attention to women and look for the (sometimes subtle, sometime not-so-subtle) indications they are interested in you. Don't seem overly interested right off the bat, but do be friendly in socially appropriate ways. Strike up conversations and end them with "you seem really nice - would you like to go have lunch or coffee sometime"? (Or some other offer to spend more time together.)

Some will say no, but if you've done the above more or less correctly, you'll get plenty of yes's too.

I recognize this is all easier said than done. However, if you can pull it off even halfway decently you'll likely have success. The women are looking for partners too, but you have to "play the game" as it were more or less the right way to be effective.

You should understand that social media/dating apps have loads of dysfunctional people in them and women particularly report being inundated with inappropriate attention from lazy and horny men (and sometimes men with genuine psychological problems). Meeting a "great guy" (you) in RL will be the counterpoint to all that stress and fatigue - an opportunity for an easy and obvious win that they will quickly snap up (IF you've done the above well).

You are probably aware that some men seem to get more than their share of women - "Chads," "players" etc, while other men struggle. Those successful men are good at what I've listed above.

Reading the book "A Billion Wicked Thoughts" - specifically the chapters on female attraction as it's a long read, and attempting to apply what they indicate there as principles may be of help with this.

Edit: heh, I see this thread is like a month old. Oh well, hopefully this post will be of help to someone.

Edited March 11, 2023 by mark clemson

[an0nym0us123]

Dont beat yourself up. Dating these days is pretty messed up and is getting worse with every passing year.

The number of people who are single is rising all the time, they end up [ ] on tik tok at the age of 35 about how they can't find a [partner] settle down with. Or the [ones] who simply have had enough and call it a day.

 

Edited March 12, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
gender stereotyping

[flaxcapacitor]

On 3/12/2023 at 9:19 AM, an0nym0us123 said:

Dont beat yourself up. Dating these days is pretty messed up and is getting worse with every passing year.

The number of people who are single is rising all the time, they end up [ ] on tik tok at the age of 35 about how they can't find a [partner] settle down with. Or the [ones] who simply have had enough and call it a day.

 

Yeah, I think the number of people looking to date is less than it was in the past. This is a good thing really, go back a few generations and people would rush into marriage because it wasn't socially acceptable to be single past the age of 21. Some of our assumptions and the expectations of relationships we inherit from our parents are maybe a bit outdated.

I don't know how typical my experience is but I'm 40 and have never had a geniune relationship before (I have had one but the less said about that the better). The likelihood of me meeting a woman who is genuinely interested in me isn't that high and I can't rely, as many did in the past, on someone settling for me because they don't want to be single any more.

[ZA Dater]

In short OLD is the fundamental problem. If you are good looking/wealthy/live a glam lifestyle there are seemingly endless choices. If not well then things are very difficult for reasons outlined above.

I love the optimism of people suggesting cold approaches. Try it, it may work, honestly if you have the confidence then try this. If not I reckon you are back the meet up, hobby thing, not sure I know anyone who has had success doing that but who knows you may be lucky.

Apps, try putting up new pics, change your profile and upgrade to the pay packages and then try. Dating is hard because there is more choice than ever before and ever less focus on anything but so called superficial qualities.

Good luck!

[flaxcapacitor]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

In short OLD is the fundamental problem. If you are good looking/wealthy/live a glam lifestyle there are seemingly endless choices. If not well then things are very difficult for reasons outlined above.

I love the optimism of people suggesting cold approaches. Try it, it may work, honestly if you have the confidence then try this. If not I reckon you are back the meet up, hobby thing, not sure I know anyone who has had success doing that but who knows you may be lucky.

Apps, try putting up new pics, change your profile and upgrade to the pay packages and then try. Dating is hard because there is more choice than ever before and ever less focus on anything but so called superficial qualities.

Good luck!

I've seen cold approaches work, it requires confidence, but also charisma. If you're uncharismatic yet have the confidence to just approach a girl you don't know and make a pass then you'll almost certainly come across as a creepazoid. Also you have to have something going for you, charisma, success, talent, humour, looks etc. People always talk about how important it is to be confident, and I'm sure it is an attractive quality to have, but also I don't think confidence alone will get you very far. I imagine that if you don't have the qualities to back up your confidence then confidence will make people hate you, not like you, being confident but nothing else will just make you seem obnoxious and arrogant.

[ZA Dater]

3 minutes ago, flaxcapacitor said:

I've seen cold approaches work, it requires confidence, but also charisma. If you're uncharismatic yet have the confidence to just approach a girl you don't know and make a pass then you'll almost certainly come across as a creepazoid. Also you have to have something going for you, charisma, success, talent, humour, looks etc. People always talk about how important it is to be confident, and I'm sure it is an attractive quality to have, but also I don't think confidence alone will get you very far. I imagine that if you don't have the qualities to back up your confidence then confidence will make people hate you, not like you, being confident but nothing else will just make you seem obnoxious and arrogant.

Absolutely true! Agree with you completely, there need to be other attractive qualities.