am I overreacting?

[ilivefortheday]

i’m not sure whose fault this is but i’m just so awestruck that this happened 

today is me and my husbands 4 year anniversary 

a few days i saw a speeding ticket he got (photo violation) and paid the ticket. $50. granted he usually likes to try the fight the ticket, whereas i like to just pay it... if the ticket were for our town i would let him deal with it, but it was for a town 90 mins away so i paid it and thought i was doing a favor.. i didn’t mention it but i should have, looking back 

tonight at dinner it randomly came up and he got SO MAD that i paid it. like to the point it ruined dinner.. we were almost done anyways but i just went and sat in the car because he wasn’t speaking to me although he said he wasn’t speaking because he was “eating” (however his whole demeanor changed)

he claims it isn’t because of the money, but because he a) told me about it twice and b) he had a plan worked out… his idea of “telling me” about it is telling me i need to sign an affidavit for him.. how the hell am i supposed to know what it’s for?

i do have a bad memory but i don’t remember him saying anything more specific about it. and even if he did have a plan worked out, was is that serious that it was worth ruining dinner, and our anniversary over?

i told him we were both in the wrong - i should have asked before doing anything and he should have communicated better (and he’s always saying he’s a great communicator).. and if that were the case we could have moved past it at dinner like adults .. i will say he tried to rub my arm on the way home from dinner but i wasn’t having any parts of it, because he does stuff like this, like trying to glaze over the incident without talking about it. he is currently going to sleep in the other room… like wtf 

i don’t think i’m being crazy when i don’t think i’m in the wrong completely here ?

 

[basil67]

To me, the issue isn't the parking ticket...mistakes and misunderstandings happen.  The issue I see is his apparent overreaction to a minor incident. 

How often does he get angry and overreact over a misunderstanding or mistake?  And how would you describe your marriage in general?

Edited November 18, 2022 by basil67

[S2B]

Sounds like he is a consistently bad driver… it’s been about 10 years since I had a ticket.

but any guy reacting that way when my intentions were good would get a piece of my mind! Especially since he acted so ungrateful and ruined an anniversary!

and why the heck doesn’t HE just take responsibility for HIS actions and admit that he’s guilty of speeding? 😡

any person who doesn’t take responsibility for they way they participated is just a jerk in my book.

your husband has issues. Quit trying to fix them for him and stop letting him use you to make excuses for him! (The affidavit)😡

he sounds like he needs long term counseling! Blaming you after the fact is just despicable! Stop allowing him to treat you that way!

Edited November 18, 2022 by S2B

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, ilivefortheday said:

… his idea of “telling me” about it is telling me i need to sign an affidavit for him.. 

He seems to be overreacting.  He didn't have to get nasty, but then again bringing up poor driving habits and tickets at dinner isn't too romantic either.

He should manage his own fines and legal problems. Does he have road rage or frequent violations or any DUIs? Is there a larger problem at hand that is manifested in this issue?

Don't manage his affairs. Why would you need to sign an affidavit for his driving violation?

It's not anyone's "fault" is just poor choices and overreacting. Save businesslike conversation for different times.

[Els]

I agree that both of you were in the wrong - he overreacted massively, and you really shouldn't be handling personal stuff like that without his consent. If he likes to fight his tickets, that's his decision to make as an individual - you can't and shouldn't make it for him. But again, this should only warrant him telling you to please not do it again... there is really no good reason for him throwing a tantrum like that.

How did this come up during your anniversary dinner?

[IrinaM]

my opinion: his plan was to ask you to lie for him so he could evade perfectly reasonable consequences. That's what the "sign an affidavit" was all about -- his plan was that you would sign an affidavit to give him a false alibi or something. that is very poor morals and shows a careless disregard for you as a person--you could easily be charged with providing false statements to the court.

if he ever asks you to do something like that again, say no. let him deal with his legal problems on his own, don't help him in any way. honestly your husband doesn't sound like an awesome guy. He's should be mad at himself for his unsafe driving habits and think about the other people on the road, not his ego.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, ilivefortheday said:

A few days i saw a speeding ticket he got (photo violation) and paid the ticket. $50. granted he usually likes to try the fight the ticket, whereas i like to just pay it... 

Paying the ticket is in effect pleading guilty. That's only for him to decide. It can't be undone now so hopefully you'll smooth it over once the dust settles. But in the future, don't make decisions for him. Let him pay for or handle his own problems.

[BaileyB]

Let me just say, I would be thrilled if someone else paid for my speeding ticket!

You’ve got a variety of different response which shows that there is no clear answer here. This to me, falls under the category “no good deed goes unpunished.” 🤣 Your intention was good, unfortunately he had other plans and he was not pleased with your interference. I’m sorry it ruined your anniversary and I hope you are able to resolve this conflict. Lessons learned - for both of you here. You can leave his speeding tickets for him to deal with and he should slow down and let this go…

Edited November 18, 2022 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

It sounds like you did something that "went against his principles" and so was triggering for him.  That said, he sounds mean and IMO ought to have enough self-control to tone it down for an anniversary dinner. Hopefully you won't accumulate too many more "bad memories" like this. I suspect most couples have at least a few, but if they start to accumulate it's a bad sign IMO.

[Wiseman2]

On 11/17/2022 at 10:10 PM, ilivefortheday said:

 i saw a speeding ticket he got (photo violation) and paid the ticket. $50. granted he usually likes to try the fight the ticket, whereas i like to just pay it... 

Do you open his mail? It's deceptive to go ahead and handle his affairs without asking and only informing him after the fact. He acted like a jerk about it, but being married doesn't mean you have no boundaries or respect or privacy. Most people would be upset about someone making decisions for them, then announcing it after the fact. 

 

 

[glows]

Does he often have elaborate plans like this for speeding tickets? It’s a $50 speeding ticket, for crying outloud. How often does he get tickets and I do believe he overreacted but he did so apparently investing a whole lot of time into trying to dispute it. 

I am very sorry it ruined the anniversary dinner if that was the case. Don’t agree to sign anything he asks and stick to the truth. If his temper flares again because you disagree you may want to rethink where this marriage is going.

[Els]

Edit: Misunderstood post.

Edited November 19, 2022 by Elswyth

[Mrin]

Just a wild guess here but is this really about the ticket? Usually when couples fight it really isn't about the issue they're upset about. Think on it. 

Edited November 20, 2022 by Mrin

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Mrin said:

Just a wild guess here but is this really about the ticket? Usually when couples fight it really isn't about the issue they're upset about. Think on it. 

I was about to say the same thing. 

The speeding ticket isn't the real problem. How is your marriage in general, OP? What sort of issues do you two have?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Mrin said:

Just a wild guess here but is this really about the ticket? 

Agree. This seems almost like a power struggle where you manage his affairs without discussion and he flips out during what was supposed to be a romantic dinner. 

[JTSW]

What's the point in fighting a speeding ticket?

The photo evidence is there so he should just accept his mistake a pay for it like a normal person.

By reading your post he obviously has gotten many more tickets in the past.

He's obviously not learning his lesson here, until someone actually gets hurt from his speeding.

Don't let him treat you like that again. 

Don't pay his tickets anymore.

Let him learn the hard way.

[myaltaccount314]

hi everyone 

this is an alt account 

i’ve been in a rough place in my marriage for a while and have decided to make a pro/con list to organize my thoughts .. i don’t really have many people to talk to about all of this, so i guess i just wanted to know if i’m being reasonable in my upset or am i overreacting? always interesting to get an outside perspective .. here’s the list … keep in mind i tried to be objective but obviously it’s still biased…

 

**PRO**

-doesn’t question me or what i do or my spending (which can be a lot) - when it comes to my animals, shopping, etc .. this is important as silly as it sounds 

-doesn’t cheat 

-doesn’t have a wandering eye 

-loves animals like me

-on the same page on having kids 

-hard worker and doesn’t complain about it 

-not physically abusive and never has been

-safe (? - this just makes sense to me, can’t explain it )

 

**CON**

-hoarding- unable/unwilling to change (4 plus yr issue in our house) 

-adhd- unable/unwilling to change (he’s on meds, we’ve been to therapy before)

-poor time management… leading to many many other issues, such as late late work nights (1-2 am and later), never being able to leave on time when we have commitments and appointments, overcommitting to something bc thinking it will take less time than it does, etc etc 

-bait and switch since getting married … we used to date, he used to court me and we used to actually spend time together.. now it’s like roommates living in a house 

-i get you can’t control having adhd since it’s biological, but you CAN control getting help about something that is pushing your spouse away …- why hasn’t he cared enough to seek help for this? he wants to go to couples counseling now but he needs to address his OWN issues first and that’s just the facts 

-not romantic at all anymore 

-doesn’t prioritize me… if he has a to do list, im the last punch list item, though he don’t admit it and denies it 

-doesn’t actively change or put an effort into problems aka “he doesn’t care”

-it will get done if it’s important to him, otherwise it’ll get done at his own terms 

a big one -acts like any time spent with me is a hinderance or inconvenience … literally said this week that i was essentially a burden to him getting all the things done that i have been “nagging” him to get done (…you mean for the past 4 years and still haven’t gotten done???) and how is he supposed to get both things done?!

-has a victim mentality.. acts as if he’s the only one in a particular situation.. etc etc 

-can never admit when he’s wrong

-functions in the headspace of a single person and not a married one 

-…i feel happier alone than with him and like when i get home and he’s not there 

-gaslights me …for example, i mention his problems (length of time it takes to clean up front) and he accuses me of not being supportive of him and that’s why he hasn’t done it 

-i always feel like i’m mothering him 

-no sexual attraction 

 

Edited February 12, 2023 by myaltaccount314

[basil67]

You sound so very frustrated.   We aren't generally encouraged to give mental health advice here because none of us are experts, but at a rough guess, I think that at least a half of your complaints stem from his ADHD.   Given that he's already on meds, he's probably doing as much as he can....so I think the next step is to go to a psychologist with him.  One who understands ADHD and can help the two of you unpack what supports he needs, how much he can reasonably change and time management. 

A few other ideas: 

What are all the jobs he has to do?  Can you outsource any?  

With never being able to admit he's wrong, could it be that he honestly believes he's right?   There are two sides to each story (and the truth is somewhere in the middle)..perhaps marriage counselling can help you with that

"The "big one" -acts time spend with you is a hindrance or inconvenice" did you notice that your example is not of actual time spent with you, but doing things you've been nagging him to do?   Which takes me back to the question of outsourcing.

.....

All that said, it sounds like you don't have kids yet.  If you really can't see your future with him, better to divorce now rather than after you have children.  I can't help but wonder if deep in your heart, you really want out and are hoping that someone will support that idea.  Well, I'll give you that support right now.  A life spent with your husband will likely involved a lot of compromise and understanding on your part and this will likely just end in years of frustration for you.  Do you really want a husband who forgets to feed the kids or change a diaper?

[glows]

It sounds like he’s pulling away from you or shutting down. Ironically you’re feeling the same. I’d stop forcing things like commitments and socials. There may be more at play here than just adhd.

You’re right that the desire to get better or improve as a couple has to come from him too. You’re shouldering all of that and your expectations aren’t being met. He continues to feel nitpicked or attacked and the cycle continues. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, myaltaccount314 said:

 he wants to go to couples counseling now 

 How long have you been married? When did the problems begin?

Unfortunately that's quite an extensive list of "cons". Couples therapy is a good idea.

However you would be better off going to a qualified therapist on your own so you can privately and confidentiality discuss your issues to explore if the relationship is viable.

Sadly you can't fix or change anyone regardless of diagnoses, meds, personality, etc. therefore it may be best to reconsider if this is something you can work out or need to dissolve.

[mark clemson]

Hmm. I have no specific recommendation. I'd note that your list of pro's sounds pretty good (for a stable marriage) UNTIL you see the significantly longer list of cons, many of which are substantial issues.

To me it sounds very much like he needs to get successful treatment for his mental health issues before he can become a good partner again.

Is it possible you went the "white knight" or "I can fix him" route?