28 year old male, struggled with dating and getting intimate with women all my life, what can I do?

[Jakaj]

 I have only ever been intimate with one girl (without paying) so sometimes I feel depressed that I have missed out on a lot of life experience and fun.  To put things into perspective, I grew up in a household where my freedom was limited and this definitely had an impact on my social development. I am a social introvert and can be very quite at times but I do make effort to communicate with people when I can and definitely put myself out there as far as I can (even going as far as moving to a new country alone). 

I have even spent countless hours on dating apps and often go on for weeks without a legitimate match. When matches do come, they are usually women I am not really attracted to. 

Looks wize, I'm 1.78 m and weigh 128 lbs or around 58kg. I haven't been told I am ugly but at the same time, I would not say I am good looking. I am on the lean side and a lot of people seem to suggest I bulk up though it is easier said than done. I am also Indian (dark skinned) and wear glasses. I can send images via DM if that can help or you can give feedback. I will even send screenshots of my dating profiles. 

I do make conversation with women when I get an opportunity to do so and introduce myself so it is not like I am not trying. My strategy is usually that if I sensed a vibe, I will ask for her social media profiles or add her myself and then ask her to hangout or go to coffee. Some will make excuses or not respond and I have had some agree. With the ones that agreed, they either usually didnt want to follow up on the first one (I know this happens to most guys) or they agreed but then started telling me about their crushes and guys they want to date (when this happened I backed off and cut them off, not directly but by being less available). 

I always thought that they would make it obvious if they liked me romantically hence, I never told them directly after one or two dates and I thought it would naturally escalate if there was a vibe/spark.

I never displayed direct interest besides the ones I met online. One that wanted to meet again but friendzoned me, I actually kissed on the cheek to show my interest though this was 5-years ago. 

My hobbies are photography, watching sports and reading (though I'm not excellent in any of them). 

What solutions do you suggest and would it help to hire a dating coach? Is it likely my looks or personality which leads to my lack of romantic sparks? 

 

[glows]

Looks attract on the outset but it’s personality and shared values/compatibility long term that keep a person wanting to be around you.

Are you new to a country? Do you work or are you a student? 

[Jakaj]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

Looks attract on the outset but it’s personality and shared values/compatibility long term that keep a person wanting to be around you.

Are you new to a country? Do you work or are you a student? 

I am working in Japan in a part were very few people speak English, hence I have been using dating apps mostly. It has been brutal as I put in a lot of effort into them and have only got about one or two matches in six months. 

I have made an effort to socialize and have a small group of friends I hangout with fairly regularly. All of the women are just platonic acquaintances who I regularly see. 

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Jakaj said:

I am working in Japan in a part were very few people speak English.

Do you have many native Japanese friends/coworkers you could talk to?

It may help to ask some men there what the dating scene is like. For example if there are cultural traditions and norms as far as dating. 

You'll need a lot of cultural awareness in order to fit in and adjust how you approach dating. 

[Jakaj]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you have many native Japanese friends/coworkers you could talk to?

It may help to ask some men there what the dating scene is like. For example if there are cultural traditions and norms as far as dating. 

You'll need a lot of cultural awareness in order to fit in and adjust how you approach dating. 

I have some Japanese friends yes, I have asked them and they have suggested just meet people and make conversation which I have been doing. I have also tried the apps because there are a lot of foreigners there but not getting many matches. 

[glows]

I’m sure you’re aware that it takes time to adapt and for others to feel comfortable around you as some cultures are not as open to foreigners. And some cultures are more racist than others. I’m half here and half there (mixed race) and see it all the time. Be passionate in your interests and work. Are you part of any interest groups or organizations? 

The truth is not many people like dating someone new to the area or being a type of tour guide. You may have better luck with other expats although not necessarily with the locals unless you’ve truly assimilated and made an effort to learn the language and adapt to local customs. You can keep trying your luck but I think you’d be best served figuring out whether you like working there and where you see yourself long term. 

 

[Jakaj]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

I’m sure you’re aware that it takes time to adapt and for others to feel comfortable around you as some cultures are not as open to foreigners. And some cultures are more racist than others. I’m half here and half there (mixed race) and see it all the time. Be passionate in your interests and work. Are you part of any interest groups or organizations? 

The truth is not many people like dating someone new to the area or being a type of tour guide. You may have better luck with other expats although not necessarily with the locals unless you’ve truly assimilated and made an effort to learn the language and adapt to local customs. You can keep trying your luck but I think you’d be best served figuring out whether you like working there and where you see yourself long term. 

 

 

I totally understand what you are saying. I am also open to dating expats if an opportunity arises.  I am part of a local expat group and have made some acquaintances there (well two female acquaintances but I guess I cannot date them as we are just in different stages of life now). 

I also had trouble dating at home when I was at home where I was surrounded by people like me so my advice was more about dating in general. 

[glows]

Do you have siblings? Ask them what they think of you. I have two brothers and they have no filter and have a serious knack for remembering too many details. I’m sure they will tell it to you straight if you’re doing something to make anyone uncomfortable. 

Dating is tough for lots of people. 

[Jakaj]

They have had far more dating experience than me (multiple girlfriends and one is married) but we are hardly close and generally do not talk about dating in general. One of the reasons I have developed self-esteem issues as well is because of bullying from them when I was a child. 

I have recovered somewhat but it takes years to recover from. 

[Jakaj]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Do you have siblings? Ask them what they think of you. I have two brothers and they have no filter and have a serious knack for remembering too many details. I’m sure they will tell it to you straight if you’re doing something to make anyone uncomfortable. 

Dating is tough for lots of people. 

I asked one of my friends today and he said I am socially awkward and need to improve my dress sense. (It was quite disheartening). 

[glows]

I’m sorry to hear that about your siblings. Did you ask your friend for any suggestions on dress or style? Remember that these are only opinions. What someone says is an opinion of you and what they may come up with as an alternative is only a suggestion. You are free to disagree with that or change things up as you see fit.

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, Jakaj said:

 and need to improve my dress sense. (It was quite disheartening). 

If you feel that it would be an improvement, you could look into it. For example go to an optician for updated glasses. Go to a barber/stylist for updated hair. You can also go to the men's department or men's stores and ask for help with updated clothes.

[Jakaj]

50 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you feel that it would be an improvement, you could look into it. For example go to an optician for updated glasses. Go to a barber/stylist for updated hair. You can also go to the men's department or men's stores and ask for help with updated clothes.

 

And what is likely the reason that I get very few matches on apps like Tinder and Bumble? I have put a lot of effort into crafting my profile (I wrote a bio which signals I'm looking for a strong connection and not just sex) which apparently most women want and I also put effort into trying to use good images. 

I can sometimes go for weeks on end without a single match and it is really frustrating. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Jakaj said:

And what is likely the reason that I get very few matches on apps like Tinder and Bumble?

Your friend suggested it. There could be a multitude of reasons why dating is frustrating. Your friend was trying to give you tips. However it's great you're asking friends and locals for some advice.

1 hour ago, Jakaj said:

I asked one of my friends and need to improve my dress sense. 

 

10 minutes ago, Jakaj said:

 

 

[salparadise]

@Jakaj The dating apps only work for men who are at the top of the food chain, so to speak. Guys who women flock to naturally do well, while most others have a similar experience as you. The apps are driven by looks, because people swipe left or right based on pics. Women (probably men too) are trying to match a fantasy, or stereotypical hotties. They're optimizers, meaning that they're sorting through a myriad of options looking for the ideal match. You've got half a second to impress or they swipe left. Women can do that because there are far more men on the apps, and the men aren't very discriminating (except the aforementioned genetically gifted men). You'll do better in a situation where you can get to know people, and hopefully meet someone who appreciates your intrinsic assets (looks, personality, sincerity, etc.) Perhaps you can convert one of those female "friends" into a gf. I would normally advise against trying that, but given your circumstances I think you should carefully assess the potential there.

[smackie9]

A foreigner dating in Japan would be difficult for anyone. What is disheartening about working on your social skills? Or freshening up your wardrobe? Clothes are easy, just have your friends help you out with that. Once you dress for success you will feel more confident which will boost your social skills. 

[Els]

13 hours ago, Jakaj said:

I am working in Japan in a part were very few people speak English, hence I have been using dating apps mostly. It has been brutal as I put in a lot of effort into them and have only got about one or two matches in six months. 

If you are a gaijin, your odds of meeting someone to have a relationship with is incredibly low. Even my East Asian friends who immigrated there encounter significant issues with forming romantic relationships - and they basically "look" Japanese. Japan is an incredibly homogenous country and the cultural barriers are extremely difficult to break. You might look for meetups for fellow gaijins, and at least make some friends that way perhaps.

Edited February 12, 2023 by Els

[Trail Blazer]

39 minutes ago, Els said:

If you are a gaijin, your odds of meeting someone to have a relationship with is incredibly low. Even my East Asian friends who immigrated there encounter significant issues with forming romantic relationships - and they basically "look" Japanese. Japan is an incredibly homogenous country and the cultural barriers are extremely difficult to break. You might look for meetups for fellow gaijins, and at least make some friends that way perhaps.

I completely agree with this.  I have an uncle who met a Japanese woman and moved over there 40 years ago.

He has one daughter who, whilst being objectively very pretty and unique looking, found life difficult including dating because she is half western and very much looks it.

She's happily married now, however, the Japanese man she married, coincidentally (or not) spent seven years in Australia, so his cultural outlook was not your typical conservative Japanese.

Having vacationed in Japan for a month in the early 2000s, I can say that it's an amazing country, but I can absolutely see why the OP is having trouble in the dating scene.

[mark clemson]

I have some fairly standard advice for men such as yourself, but I think it might not apply well due to your particular social situation.

In addition to some of the advice given above, perhaps try to find the most open-minded social group you can, perhaps an "international club" or language club and see if any of the women in there might be interested?

Speaking generally, being as good looking as possible and coming across as confident as possible will tend to help get women interested in you. Things like social skills and body language can also help - many of the cues women respond to are psychological in nature. However, all of those things don't matter if the other person "simply doesn't date people like you" as a matter of personal rule or social convention. Makes it much harder.

[Jakaj]

2 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

I completely agree with this.  I have an uncle who met a Japanese woman and moved over there 40 years ago.

He has one daughter who, whilst being objectively very pretty and unique looking, found life difficult including dating because she is half western and very much looks it.

She's happily married now, however, the Japanese man she married, coincidentally (or not) spent seven years in Australia, so his cultural outlook was not your typical conservative Japanese.

Having vacationed in Japan for a month in the early 2000s, I can say that it's an amazing country, but I can absolutely see why the OP is having trouble in the dating scene.

I also had trouble in my home country so it is not like I am having trouble only now. 

I have tried the apps and am open to also meeting foreigners but the experience has been pretty brutal to be honest. 

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Jakaj said:

 When matches do come, they are usually women I am not really attracted to. 

My strategy is usually that if I sensed a vibe, I will ask for her social media profiles or add her myself and then ask her to hangout or go to coffee. 

It seems like you are getting matches but are extremely selective as far as looks. Sometimes you may have to simply meet for coffee and if there's no chemistry, you can move on. 

Your strategy is also somewhat nebulous and could come across as if you just want friends. Why exchange social media and ask to hang out, rather than simply set up a real date?

 

[Jakaj]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

 

I normally ask for coffee on a one on one basis, surely they should get the message? 

I then wait for signs of flirting but that does not seem to happen. 

I currently have a lady who I am texting buddies with. She sometimes initiates convo so I assume she has interest though maybe platonic and lives five hours away. I've invited her to come and visit and she said she is interested. I also once asked her to video call and her response was that she was "working out" which sounded lame and she never proposed a follow up. 

She also said she is interested in doing a trip together and I even proposed a date once and she turned me down for "budget reasons". 

I have not told her I am interested but from what I've said, would she know I am? She even told me she saw me on a dating site once and after that, I eventually saw her profile. I told her I swiped right "it's a good profile" and that she is attractive. 

I said that if I was set on marriage and kids at this phase of my life, I would "definitely have slid into her DMS". I hope that this would keep me as an option if she decides to change her mind. 

Btw, she is 37 this year and has said she wants to have kids and get married in the near future. She is also a religious Christian so I may not be her first option as I am not. 

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, Jakaj said:

 lives five hours away. I've invited her to come and visit and she said she is interested. I also once asked her to video call and her response was that she was "working out" 

Have you met in person? 

[JTSW]

21 hours ago, Jakaj said:

And what is likely the reason that I get very few matches on apps like Tinder and Bumble?

These are the reasons below:

On 2/12/2023 at 8:03 AM, Jakaj said:

When matches do come, they are usually women I am not really attracted to. 

Sounds like you are judging by their looks.

23 hours ago, Jakaj said:

I asked one of my friends today and he said I am socially awkward and need to improve my dress sense.

constructive advice.

54 minutes ago, Jakaj said:

I normally ask for coffee on a one on one basis, surely they should get the message? 

I then wait for signs of flirting but that does not seem to happen. 

Why are you waiting for them to flirt with you.

 

On 2/12/2023 at 8:03 AM, Jakaj said:

My strategy is usually that if I sensed a vibe, I will ask for her social media profiles or add her myself

This to me is a little too forward, and weird if I'm honest.

Not many people will want to just give their social media to strangers.

I feel your issues here are that you are too selective with online dating and going about it in a strong kind of way in person.

[Jakaj]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you met in person? 

A few times, yes, but not for long. We have been texting for almost a year now though.