28 year old male, struggled with dating and getting intimate with women all my life, what can I do?

[Jakaj]

11 minutes ago, JTSW said:

This to me is a little too forward, and weird if I'm honest.

Not many people will want to just give their social media to strangers.

I feel your issues here are that you are too selective with online dating and going about it in a strong kind of way in person.

 

I only ask them for a social media contact if I felt that there was positive recipocration on both ends. If not, I don't. 

12 minutes ago, JTSW said:

I feel your issues here are that you are too selective with online dating and going about it in a strong kind of way in person.

Not really, I barely get matches. Even if I am not attracted to them, I do chat them. The last lady I matched with, I was not attracted to her but she was too far away. Had she been closer, I would have met her. 

[glows]

4 hours ago, Jakaj said:

A few times, yes, but not for long. We have been texting for almost a year now though. 

You’re not compatible with this woman as far as religion, it appears.. I wouldn’t keep talking with this person also due to long distance issues and dating doesn’t seem sustainable. There is too much not in your favour here. 

As your friends suggested keep an open mind. Not everyone is as adventurous or looking for romance and there may not be mutual attraction so that has to be respected as well. 

Are you staying in Japan long term? Think about things from the perspective of a local or other expat. Why should anyone date you if you haven’t put down any roots? Try getting to know people and their backgrounds. Are you looking for intimate connections/casual sex as opposed to a long term relationships?

I know you’re writing from the perspective of all dating experiences not just in this new country but your current situation does have an affect on ability to connect and develop relationships. Your circumstances are unusual for anything too lasting or longer term to develop - I don’t know your background but wouldn’t normally consider a expat a viable dating option. Maybe you’re just looking for some romantic spark which may develop into something/anything even if it’s not a longer term relationship.

Don’t be discouraged. Dating does cause us to reflect on ourselves and what we have to offer to someone else. Unless you’re really doing this you’re not going in with realistic expectations and finding it a painful or frustrating process. Stay positive and keep working on anything else you’re working on regarding your experience there. People are generally attracted to others who are confident and motivated about what goes on in their own life and open enough to care about the people around them. Be passionate in whatever you’re doing in Japan or anywhere life takes you.

 

Edited February 13, 2023 by glows

[Interstellar]

I would take dance classes like swing, salsa and others, dance is a universal language that transcends cultural and linguistic barriers.

Edited February 13, 2023 by Interstellar

[Weezy1973]

While you've struggled all your life, putting yourself in a different culture is making things even harder. Generally like attracts like. It's similarities that draw people together.

[Jakaj]

13 hours ago, glows said:

You’re not compatible with this woman as far as religion, it appears.. I wouldn’t keep talking with this person also due to long distance issues and dating doesn’t seem sustainable. There is too much not in your favour here. 

As your friends suggested keep an open mind. Not everyone is as adventurous or looking for romance and there may not be mutual attraction so that has to be respected as well. 

Are you staying in Japan long term? Think about things from the perspective of a local or other expat. Why should anyone date you if you haven’t put down any roots? Try getting to know people and their backgrounds. Are you looking for intimate connections/casual sex as opposed to a long term relationships?

I know you’re writing from the perspective of all dating experiences not just in this new country but your current situation does have an affect on ability to connect and develop relationships. Your circumstances are unusual for anything too lasting or longer term to develop - I don’t know your background but wouldn’t normally consider a expat a viable dating option. Maybe you’re just looking for some romantic spark which may develop into something/anything even if it’s not a longer term relationship.

Don’t be discouraged. Dating does cause us to reflect on ourselves and what we have to offer to someone else. Unless you’re really doing this you’re not going in with realistic expectations and finding it a painful or frustrating process. Stay positive and keep working on anything else you’re working on regarding your experience there. People are generally attracted to others who are confident and motivated about what goes on in their own life and open enough to care about the people around them. Be passionate in whatever you’re doing in Japan or anywhere life takes you.

 

 

I am currently in Japan on a two year rolling contract but if I meet someone, I am open to making a compromise and staying longer. 

At this time, I am open to both casual relationships and something long term as well if there is a strong connection. 

[Jakaj]

I am a 28-year-old guy and 1.78m tall. I have never had a long-term girlfriend and only had intimate experience with one lady in my life six years ago. I have tried using Bumble and very rarely get matches.

I would describe myself as a social introvert. I am generally very quiet and an introvert but enjoy conversation and meeting new people. I have been making effort to connect with people and can make friends and acquaintances though building relationships with women has always been a struggle. People generally describe me as kind, polite, quiet and serious. I generally try to ask people questions in conversation to show that I am also interested in them.

Apart from the girl I had intimate relations with, there were others who I had taken for coffee but it usually did not proceed to a second date or in some cases they did but the women ended up more like using me in order to get free experiences.

I do try to make myself a better person everyday but am far from perfect.

By profession, I am an English teacher.

[ ] 

Edited October 17, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited for privacy

[Weezy1973]

On 2/12/2023 at 2:41 AM, Jakaj said:

I asked one of my friends today and he said I am socially awkward and need to improve my dress sense. 

Have you worked on this? What about bulking up?

You’re about 5’10” and 130 lbs and don’t have a lot of qualities that would attract a woman, which means your “league” is women that don’t have a lot of qualities that would attract a man. Like pretty much everything in life, when we want our situation to change, we have to change what we’re doing. What have you been doing differently since you last posted?

[Jakaj]

21 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Have you worked on this? What about bulking up?

You’re about 5’10” and 130 lbs and don’t have a lot of qualities that would attract a woman, which means your “league” is women that don’t have a lot of qualities that would attract a man. Like pretty much everything in life, when we want our situation to change, we have to change what we’re doing. What have you been doing differently since you last posted?

I have been exercising, not hardcore but I have been doing pushups and regular cycling on almost a daily basis. I have been travelling and trying to grow and learn new things as a human being while also trying to improve my social skills. 

[Weezy1973]

35 minutes ago, Jakaj said:

I have been exercising, not hardcore but I have been doing pushups and regular cycling on almost a daily basis.

This isn’t enough. You’re going to want to live with intention here. Instead of doing what easy, you’ll need to commit to something that doesn’t come easily. You can easily Google healthy ways to bulk up or get a personal trainer. Cycling and push-ups aren’t going to get you there.

 

37 minutes ago, Jakaj said:

I have been travelling and trying to grow and learn new things as a human being while also trying to improve my social skills. 

A lot it “trying” to do things here. Where specifically have you grown? And what specific things have you learnt as a human being? What social skills have you improved?

[Jakaj]

5 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

A lot it “trying” to do things here. Where specifically have you grown? And what specific things have you learnt as a human being? What social skills have you improved?

 

I have been hosting people at home and getting to learn their stories, and most have been describing me as "kind" and a good host. This has required me to go out of my comfort zone. 

I understand what you are trying to say but I have been making effort. 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, Jakaj said:

I have been hosting people at home and getting to learn their stories, and most have been describing me as "kind" and a good host. This has required me to go out of my comfort zone. 

Yes, good skills to have, but really won’t attract a lot of women per se. And as you’ve said, the women that are interested in you, you’re not attracted to. Which is a pretty ubiquitous complaint these days. 
 

So your solution is to either make yourself more attractive, or accept that if you want a relationship it will be with a woman who maybe isn’t your physical ideal. 

[Jakaj]

On 2/14/2023 at 7:33 AM, Weezy1973 said:

While you've struggled all your life, putting yourself in a different culture is making things even harder. Generally like attracts like. It's similarities that draw people together.

 

I do not agree with this tbh. White men especially tend to do well in Asia even if they are not good looking, often getting more attention than local guys. I am of Indian descent which unfortunately does not seem to be a race women generally will be positive towards. 

[d0nnivain]

You are tall & very thin but educated since you are teacher.  You also have an artistic flare given that you are into photography.  

You are a bit behind the curve having grown up in a conservative household but you are making an effort by having people in your home. I applaud you for that.  

I don't know that I agree you are an introvert.  If you were, I doubt you could stand up & teach a class.  I suspect you are mixing up that word for shy / socially awkward.  

Shyness can be overcome with practice.  Can you take some kind of class like they offer at the Dale Carnegie institute?  those aren't cheap but they aren't the only ones out there.  ToastMaster is a group focused on helping people master the art of public speaking which you don't have a problem with since you are a teacher but they offer other skills.  

I am assuming that a fair number of your fellow teachers are women.  Have you mentioned to any of them that you would like to find a nice woman to date.  They all have friends, sisters, cousins etc. & would probably be very happy to fix up a nice guy like you  

If you think it's a cultural issue, where do Indian woman gather where you live? 

Edited October 18, 2023 by d0nnivain

[Weezy1973]

25 minutes ago, Jakaj said:

I am of Indian descent which unfortunately does not seem to be a race women generally will be positive towards. 

India is the most populous country in the world. Lots of Indian men must be doing just fine with the ladies in India. I live in Canada where there’s a large Indian population. And every Indian guy I know is married or in a serious relationship. It’s not your Indian descent that’s holding you back. 
 

You were described as socially awkward by a friend. While some women might find that endearing, the vast majority won’t , and the ones that do, as you’ve noted, you’re not attracted to.

There’s a relatively small percentage of men that are attractive to most women. For the rest of us we kind of need to find our niche. We’re not going to turn heads when we walk in a room. So we need to connect on a different level. I’m shorter than average, not particularly handsome, have held below average earning jobs most of my life, not particularly stylish, introverted and diagnosed with severe social anxiety, yet I never really had any problems getting dates, having sex, finding relationships, and now married with a couple kids. Why? Smart and funny. That was enough for more women than you’d think to be attracted. Just had to find my niche. 

[Jakaj]

52 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I am assuming that a fair number of your fellow teachers are women.  Have you mentioned to any of them that you would like to find a nice woman to date.  They all have friends, sisters, cousins etc. & would probably be very happy to fix up a nice guy like you  

If you think it's a cultural issue, where do Indian woman gather where you live? 

 

I work in Japan. My co-workers do not discuss dating with me. I will be open to discussing dating but they would have to bring it up first. Japanese culture is very different to most countries. 

I am open to foreign women living in Japan. I chat them up the few times I get to meet them which usually ends up as an acquaintance. I am actually not cultural at all and am open to any type of girls. 

[Jakaj]

21 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I never really had any problems getting dates, having sex, finding relationships, and now married with a couple kids. Why? Smart and funny. That was enough for more women than you’d think to be attracted. Just had to find my niche. 

 

A lot of people have said I am intelligent, I would not say I am a genius and some people have also told me I do not come across as socially awkward. 

[d0nnivain]

I didn't realize you live in Japan.   I have zero understanding of that culture so can't offer good advice other than this. . . can you move?  

[Jakaj]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I didn't realize you live in Japan.   I have zero understanding of that culture so can't offer good advice other than this. . . can you move?  

 

Not right now, I have been here for a year. I do use the dating apps and encounter foreign women on it but I never get matches, haha. I am also opening to moving across Japan and go on short trips now and then. 

[d0nnivain]

Being Indian in Japan seems to me to be the bulk of your problem.  

[Jakaj]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Being Indian in Japan seems to me to be the bulk of your problem.  

 

It would make it harder I guess but my problems stemmed from way back in University when I was in my home country. I was social and did even cold approach women a few times introducing myself to them (even some of my friends who did well with women commended me for having the confidence when it came to doing this) but going any further was an issue.