Should I go on dates where there is only limited attraction?

[Philosopher]

Let’s say I meet a women at a meetup. There is some attraction and we have a reasonable conversation. However the level of attraction and conversation is not as good as with some of the other previous women that I have met before. Should I go on a date with her in the hope that attraction will build?

In the past when I have been on dates like this, nothing has ever come out of it, usually it fizzles out or it ends up in a somewhat awkward position where one of you want something more, but the other does not. Does anyone have experience though where they have gone a date with someone that they were somewhat lukewarm about, but have ended in a relationship with them? 

Edited February 12, 2023 by Philosopher

[Alpacalia]

Attraction is a complicated matter, to say the least. Some times, it hits like a lightning bolt, like when you see someone truly breathtaking across the subway car. Other times, it's more of a slow burn.

I can tell you from my own experience that the personality of one of the men I dated initially attracted me to him; it was not an instant attraction. I found his laid-back nature, sense of humor, and patience to be both endearing and self-deprecating in a way. The more I learned about his qualities and his character over time, the more I felt attracted to him - even to the point where I saw him through a whole new set of eyes. He's one of the few men to whom I've felt the highest level of attraction and chemistry.

It's not uncommon for attraction and chemistry to develop over time, you also have to listen to your instincts and be honest with yourself about your level of interest. If you're not feeling a strong connection, it might not be worth investing time and energy into a relationship that may not go anywhere.

IF you are open to the possibility of developing feelings and you think the two of you could have a good time together, going on a date might be worth a shot. You never know what could happen, and sometimes people surprise themselves by discovering a deeper connection after getting to know each other better.

Edited February 12, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Philosopher said:

Should I go on a date with her in the hope that attraction will build?

You could ask women from these Meetup groups to have a casual coffee, so you can see what's up and make friends or if you get a better sense after a low-key casual coffee you could then ask them out on a real date.

That way there's not as much awkwardness because you're not positioning a one-on-one coffee as a date filled with expectations, just getting to know someone from the group better.

Edited February 12, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

I think it works different for men & women. In my experience men need a strong initial attraction and as for women our attraction can build over a few dates. I've never heard a story of a man's attraction being mild at first and it grew. I heard plenty of those stories from women

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Philosopher said:

Should I go on a date with her in the hope that attraction will build?

In the past when I have been on dates like this, nothing has ever come out of it, usually it fizzles out

Then here is your answer. I wouldn't try to take this further. 

You already know you need a more immediate attraction to see something through longer-term. 

[glows]

It sounds pretty bad. My thoughts are no. Don’t force it if you’re not feeling an immediate attraction intellectually, at the very least. 

[ShyViolet]

It can't hurt to go on one date with the person to help you decide how you feel.  But if you still feel lukewarm after one more date, do not take it further.  That would be unfair to the other person, stringing them along.

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

It can't hurt to go on one date with the person to help you decide how you feel.  

Agree. A cup of coffee outside the group is noncommittal and no big deal.  If you at least see them briefly in another context you can ask for a date..  or not. No harm no foul  

[Philosopher]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. A cup of coffee outside the group is noncommittal and no big deal.  If you at least see them briefly in another context you can ask for a date..  or not. No harm no foul  

The reason I asked this question is that I did go on a coffee and visit to a museum date with a women whom I was in this situation yesterday. The date was a bit of flop in that it obvious after the date that we were not compatible and attracted to each other enough to take further. So in this sense I did not lose anything by going on the date, but I did not gain anything either. 

To be fair this is what I sort expected would happen, but I did have some hope prior to the date that after learning more about each other, the attraction would build.

[Alvi]

5 hours ago, Philosopher said:

The reason I asked this question is that I did go on a coffee and visit to a museum date with a women whom I was in this situation yesterday. The date was a bit of flop in that it obvious after the date that we were not compatible and attracted to each other enough to take further. So in this sense I did not lose anything by going on the date, but I did not gain anything either. 

To be fair this is what I sort expected would happen, but I did have some hope prior to the date that after learning more about each other, the attraction would build.

Fair enough. You have tried. I can't speak for the others, but for me, the attraction is either there or it is not.  I think for me, it is a combination of a physical looks, compatibility, common life goals, sexual chemistry, and an easy going conversation. At least this is what I was aiming for during a first couple of dates.  There were many times where I tried to squeeze the attraction to a person that just wasn't there. And to be honest, it never materialized at any point if I wasn't feeling it right away. 

Don't try to force it. If you don't feel it, then you don't feel it. Next time, don't to waste your time or her or give them a false hope.

13 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I've never heard a story of a man's attraction being mild at first and it grew.

Me neither. I don't think that a guy is suddenly going to become attracted to a woman unless he likes her physical looks. She might be the greatest person on this planet, but he is still not going to give her much of a  chance. Unless he is a golddigger or is after a booty call where looks don't matter much. Or, if for some reason he ends up dating a woman that he doesn't find attractive, he is going to be very unhappy in a long run. He might even feel like he got cheated out of dating someone more physically appealing. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Normally I would say skip the date with iffy interest. But it depends on how socially isolated you are. The more empty your social life is, the more I would say ask her out, but keep it light and short. Coffee, drinks ... No expensive dinner or movie ... but keep it short.

Sometimes meeting someone out for a date (even if we're not fired up) just gets us the social energy going. Occasionally you meet someone who knows a lot of other people, knows lots of other social activities and on and on. No need to assume she's into you, so no need to be fearful of sending her signals that you are more interested than you are. 

The main requirement is to be brutally honest--with yourself!--about not having deep interest. She might not have any deep attraction for you either. 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

Yes, maybe I should have looked at it differently. Having been on many first dates, I always assumed I needed to feel instant chemistry (which rarely happens for me). Perhaps this is why I haven't wanted to embark on a second date in most cases (unless it was something particularly stimulating).

It's normal to have hopes and expectations before a date, especially when you're interested in someone. It's good to also be realistic and understand that not every date will result in a romantic connection. The important thing is that you took the chance and went on the date, and you both had the opportunity to learn more about each other.

Sometimes it takes time and effort to find the right person, and it's okay to have a few misses along the way.

Even if the attraction wasn't there on this date, you may have made a new friend or had a memorable experience.

Glad you gave it a whirl. The journey continues!

Edited February 13, 2023 by Alpacalia

[JTSW]

There's no harm in going on a date to see if your feelings grow.

If not, you at least gave it a go and wont be wondering if you let the one pass by.

[ironpony]

On 2/12/2023 at 5:39 AM, Alpacalia said:

Attraction is a complicated matter, to say the least. Some times, it hits like a lightning bolt, like when you see someone truly breathtaking across the subway car. Other times, it's more of a slow burn.

I can tell you from my own experience that the personality of one of the men I dated initially attracted me to him; it was not an instant attraction. I found his laid-back nature, sense of humor, and patience to be both endearing and self-deprecating in a way. The more I learned about his qualities and his character over time, the more I felt attracted to him - even to the point where I saw him through a whole new set of eyes. He's one of the few men to whom I've felt the highest level of attraction and chemistry.

It's not uncommon for attraction and chemistry to develop over time, you also have to listen to your instincts and be honest with yourself about your level of interest. If you're not feeling a strong connection, it might not be worth investing time and energy into a relationship that may not go anywhere.

IF you are open to the possibility of developing feelings and you think the two of you could have a good time together, going on a date might be worth a shot. You never know what could happen, and sometimes people surprise themselves by discovering a deeper connection after getting to know each other better.

I agree with this.  I am more of a slow burner myself, so I say go for it and just see, OP.

[smackie9]

I would say no. I tried the "lets see if the attraction builds" and it never did. I agree if it didn't work for you before it's definitely not going to make any difference now. 

[ZA Dater]

15 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I would say no. I tried the "lets see if the attraction builds" and it never did. I agree if it didn't work for you before it's definitely not going to make any difference now. 

I agree with this but if your options at dating are low and you struggle to get dates then I would go for it.

[justwhoiam]

On 2/12/2023 at 11:22 AM, Philosopher said:

the level of attraction and conversation is not as good

I'm not sure about what you mean. The conversation among a crowd could be a bit superficial and it could get better on a one-on-one date. But physical attraction is either there or it's not. So what do you mean by mild level of attraction? You should only ask out women you're really attracted to. If I knew someone's asking me out but feeling meh about me physically, I'd just decline. And you're probably giving that out even without saying it out loud.

[Weezy1973]

I think while there has to be a baseline of attraction, you should give someone a chance even if they’re not a totally knocking your socks off. Keep in mind though most people you meet won’t be a relationship match regardless of how attractive you find them. Limiting yourself to just those people you’re extremely attracted to generally is shooting yourself in the foot if you’re looking for a relationship. It’s a numbers game and lowering the number of people you’ll at least meet for a date isn’t a good strategy. Like I said there has to be at least a minimum baseline, so don’t bother with someone you’re repulsed.

[justwhoiam]

11 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I think while there has to be a baseline of attraction, you should give someone a chance even if they’re not a totally knocking your socks off. Keep in mind though most people you meet won’t be a relationship match regardless of how attractive you find them. Limiting yourself to just those people you’re extremely attracted to generally is shooting yourself in the foot if you’re looking for a relationship. It’s a numbers game and lowering the number of people you’ll at least meet for a date isn’t a good strategy. Like I said there has to be at least a minimum baseline, so don’t bother with someone you’re repulsed.

Oh my gosh! Seriously? I have to say men have weird techniques... and mindsets! Women tend to be more selective, and that's probably why they have a lower fail rate.

[Weezy1973]

20 minutes ago, justwhoiam said:

Women tend to be more selective, and that's probably why they have a lower fail rate.

Women are indeed more selective, but not when it comes to looks. Women tend to be willing to give up a bit on the looks of their partner for someone who’s the “whole package” but overall they’re certainly more selective. Keep in mind overall like ends up with like. 
 

For a lot of folks, and this is exasperated by online dating, the people they feel the most attraction towards are frankly people that are somewhat out of their league. And generally that’s not going to work because very few people are attracted to people who are less attractive than themselves. Someone who is equally attractive would illicit less of of an intense initial attraction, but has more of a chance of actually working out. Keeping in mind that attraction is not only about looks, but that attractive qualities are still probably mostly universal. 
 

This phenomenon, called aspirational dating, explains the vast majority of themes we see in the dating forum. Women who complain that after a date where there was “so much chemistry”the guy is not super enthusiastic about a relationship but is fine with some form of casual sex. And men who complain that none of the women they’re attracted to match them on Tinder or want to meet them at all. 

[Alpacalia]

I suppose in OP's case if he is open to casual dating or just looking to make new friends, going on a date with someone where there is limited attraction may be a good opportunity to get to know them better and potentially broaden his social circle.

My relationships with men have all been very attractive (while I realize this is subjective); however, I wouldn't say that physical attractiveness is what makes me interested in them. Nor would I say that I am super attracted after the first date, otherwise. I am sure there are other women who feel similarly.

If it's a matter of incompatibility in other important areas, like life values, and you feel forced to stick it out or rationalize all the reasons why you should, then yes, that's not a great sign.

Especially early on!

[Weezy1973]

12 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Nor would I say that I am super attracted after the first date, otherwise.

Yup, this is the key. I’ve had many dates and a few of them I was “super attracted” on the first date, but that had absolutely no relevance to how good or bad a match we were. With my wife, although she is certainly my type, I didn’t feel “super attracted” on the first date. But there was enough attraction to go on a second date. And that’s probably a pretty good line to draw - while you don’t have to be intensely super attracted, there still needs to be enough attraction to want to see them again.