Angel29 Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 I asked my boyfriend where his Tourmaline healing necklace was as I had not seen it since the end of September which we had been official for a few weeks. He said he got rid of it to a friend who needed it more and we looked at each other for a bit and he wouldn't elaborate. I have since asked him multiple times who did he give this necklace to. He refuses to disclose the woman's name. Now I know 100% that he has met this woman since we were official to give her this necklace and the scary thing is I did not know this meeting took place. He now claims someone came with him. He says this person was destructive and was going into rehab but he needed their friendship out his life so he met them and gave them the necklace as he no longer needed it so they could heal and move on from the friendship. He said they needed closure. He claims he has been 100% faithful since we have been together and says he would never lie. I told him last night that he is single now as he does not have the decency to tell me this person's name and be honest. We are going to talk in person later. Now it is clearly an ex lover. I just don't get why he is so cagey and I have said this to him. Why could he have just not been honest and told me at the time or now? What questions should I ask him later? I would be upset to part ways but need a man who is going to be honest with me. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 (edited) From your post history, is this the same man you were dating after having met at the running club late last year? I can see why this would be disconcerting as he told you it was a friend but I think you’re overreacting quite a bit. He doesn’t owe you an explanation for why he gave away something that was once his nor the person’s name. You’ve also just started dating a few months ago. Chances are you’ve come across as accusatory and angry and he doesn’t want to tell you anything more. What is positive is that he’s moving on from old chapters of the past. Don’t self-sabotage and assume the worst out of everyone. If you’re feeling overwhelmed with the relationship put things in perspective and spend more time in person - do varied activities, get to know one another more. Don’t invest so quickly into someone you’ve just met a few weeks ago. Be very careful if you ended it but didn’t mean what you said. Threatening ending a relationship only to get back together is a red flag, very unstable dynamic. I’d be open and neutral and be clear that it’s none of your business who he gave the necklace to in your meeting but also clarify your commitment to one another. The focus is your relationship not the necklace or who his ex loves are. Edited February 13, 2023 by glows 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angel29 Posted February 13, 2023 Author Share Posted February 13, 2023 (edited) It not the man from my walking group or running group. I just don't like that he met up with an ex love and I had no idea it happened. Edited February 13, 2023 by Angel29 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 3 minutes ago, Angel29 said: It not the man from my walking group or running group. I just don't like that he met up with an ex love and I had no idea it happened. Agree. That would put me off as well but I wouldn’t press for that person’s name. He may open up to you eventually. Do you trust him overall as a person? It’s a different story if you can’t feel comfortable around him or his stories shift all the time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 4 minutes ago, Angel29 said: It not the man from my walking group or running group. You told Poppy. on 9/6 that he asked you to be his girlfriend. Now you've broken up with that guy and entered another new relationship at the end of September? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angel29 Posted February 13, 2023 Author Share Posted February 13, 2023 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: You told Poppy. on 9/6 that he asked you to be his girlfriend. Now you've broken up with that guy and entered another new relationship at the end of September? Sorry I am getting confused. We became official on 3rd September which he met up with this woman a few weeks later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angel29 Posted February 13, 2023 Author Share Posted February 13, 2023 I worked it out, it is someone he had a short term relationship with which ended 4 months before his closure. I do remember him saying he posted a goodbye letter through her door at the time but he never mentioned the necklace. He always seems scared to mention her name. I don't know why as they were a past relationship before I was on the scene and if that closure has helped him move on the surely his happiness is important. Just don't know why he is frightened to mention her. I met her once and she seemed nice but she dumped him because they were from too different backgrounds and she only wanted a fling and he wanted more. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 1 hour ago, Angel29 said: I told him last night that he is single now Did you break up? Unfortunately it seems like he's still hung up on her and trying to reestablish something. Reconsider if you feel three is a crowd and if you feel he's untrustworthy. If he's still seeing and communicating with her, it looks like there may be headaches and heartaches ahead. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 1 hour ago, Angel29 said: I worked it out, it is someone he had a short term relationship with How do you know this? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 Is it possible he did not want to tell you because in general you make a big deal out of things? 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 Can I just take you back to beginning for a second please Op? I want to know why you’re getting so obsessed about a necklace? I’ll say at this point that he can do whatever he likes with his belongings. He doesn’t have to tell you, discuss it with you or ask your opinion on it. All of that is up to him. I’ll also say at this point that your demands and your reactions comes across as manipulative and controlling. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear but my view is that you completely overreacted. Yes he lied, that’s on him. However your job is not to manipulate a liar into not lying. Your job is to watch, learn and observe whether the way he conducts himself is acceptable and compatible with you. If he’s a liar and you don’t trust him then leave him. Don’t play games. It’s only a 5 month relationship, you’re free at any time to cut your losses and run. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 Please don't use breaking up as a way to working out your issues. Learn to communicate calmly and honestly. Leave your jealousy at the door. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 (edited) 5 hours ago, Angel29 said: What questions should I ask him later? Kindly, be prepared that he may change is mind on with meeting with you. Now that he's "single" he doesn't owe you any explanation Edited February 13, 2023 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 5 hours ago, Angel29 said: I just don't like that he met up with an ex love and I had no idea it happened. What happens when he IS honest with you, but about things you don't like? I ask because some folks inadvertently punish honesty (when it's something they aren't happy about) and essentially "train" their partners to avoid talking about things they might be unhappy about. Perhaps that is "conflict-avoidant" behavior, but - not everyone in the world appreciates "conflict" in their home life. Anyhow, not saying that is what has been happening, but I think it's something you should consider. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 Would you have been OK with it if he'd mentioned it to you at the time? Or would you be more comfortable with it if he'd given her, say, a book or something less personal than a piece of jewellery, (especially a piece of jewellery that was his, so all the more personal)? On the one hand, it's a kind and caring gesture from him to her, on the other, it's a dismissive gesture towards you and his relationship with you because he didn't tell you. Only you know the dynamics of your relationship with him regardless of how long you've been involved, and you being so upset suggests that you thought you were at the stage of absolute exclusivity and moving towards 'just the two of us', so him doing something that implies a significant attachment to someone else has derailed your perception of the relationship. There's no crime in him holding a female friend in high regard, but if he's carrying a torch for that person then you have every right to be peeved because that makes you his second choice, and no one wants to feel like they're just filling a void left by someone else. Him refusing to tell you who he gave it to suggests that he knows it wasn't appropriate in the context of him being in a relationship, but it's OK for him to keep it to himself because he's not obliged to share everything with you, but it's also OK for you to interpret that as him being secretive and potentially untrustworthy. If it makes you feel unimportant to him you've done the right thing by ending the relationship. For what it's worth, it sounds like she never viewed him as anything other than a brief distraction, so him posting a goodbye letter through her letterbox makes him sound kinda pathetic, like the sort of guy who'd stand outside her house in the darkness of night, staring up at her bedroom window with puppy-dog eyes. As for what questions you should ask him later, how about, "If she was available to you, how quickly would you dump me?" Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 In the absence of comment that the necklace was a gift from you, I wonder if you're placing too much meaning on him giving the necklace. If he didn't really care for it any longer and thought someone would enjoy it more, why not give it away and let it have another life elsewhere? Like @mark clemson, I can't wonder if your reactions are the kind which can dissuade people from being honest. Could it be that he feels he will get in trouble if he tells you the story and also if he doesn't tell you the story? After all, it doesn't sound like you'd be fine if he had disclosed this upfront. And if he didn't give you the name, how do you know with such certainty who he gave it to? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 14, 2023 Share Posted February 14, 2023 16 hours ago, Angel29 said: she dumped him because they were from too different backgrounds. You're not responsible for his dishonesty. It's his choice to keep engaging this woman and of course being sneaky about it. It's not about a necklace, it's about him continuing contact in order to maintain a connection. It has only been a few months dating so consider cutting your losses if you feel he's pining for someone else and being insincere about it. Unfortunately it seems you're a rebound, so be observant and mindful of that. Never accept blame for other's lack of integrity such as dishonesty. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted February 14, 2023 Share Posted February 14, 2023 18 hours ago, Angel29 said: He refuses to disclose the woman's name. Now I know 100% that he has met this woman since we were official to give her this necklace How do you know its a woman? 18 hours ago, Angel29 said: Now it is clearly an ex lover. Again, how do you know this? 17 hours ago, Angel29 said: I worked it out, it is someone he had a short term relationship with which ended 4 months before his closure. AGAIN, how do you know this? It honestly sounds like you are overreacting here OP. You are acting controlling and manipulative. You made an assumption and ran with it. Maybe just try to respect that he doesn't want to talk about it because it was hard time in his life that he doesn't want to relive. Stop being so catty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Angel29 Posted February 15, 2023 Author Share Posted February 15, 2023 (edited) I found out the truth. It was his ex fling who wanted nothing more. At the time he told me he posted a closure letter but he forgot to mention he gave her the necklace. He said he forgot he told me about the letter then said he was worried if he told me about the necklace being given too he thought I would be annoyed. I am more annoyed he chose not to mention it at the time. If he would have just said he gave it to her I would have been fine as I knew about the closure letter. Luckily I had worked it out then he told me what happened before I said anything. Edited February 15, 2023 by Angel29 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 15, 2023 Share Posted February 15, 2023 59 minutes ago, Angel29 said: I found out the truth. It was his ex fling who wanted nothing more. At the time he told me he posted a closure letter but he forgot to mention he gave her the necklace. He said he forgot he told me about the letter then said he was worried if he told me about the necklace being given too he thought I would be annoyed. I am more annoyed he chose not to mention it at the time. If he would have just said he gave it to her I would have been fine as I knew about the closure letter. Luckily I had worked it out then he told me what happened before I said anything. I wouldn’t be fine with this. You seem more upset that he wasn’t completely forthright which is fair. A letter and necklace points to someone who hasn’t completely moved on before starting a relationship with you. The problem is really him. Nothing to do with this woman. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 15, 2023 Share Posted February 15, 2023 5 hours ago, Angel29 said: At the time he told me he posted a closure letter No, don't date guys who are still doing things like this for an ex. It means there is unfinished emotional business. In the future, walk away if a guy behaves this way. Don't wait around for it to get worse, as it did here. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted February 15, 2023 Share Posted February 15, 2023 8 hours ago, Angel29 said: . If he would have just said he gave it to her I would have been fine as I knew about the closure letter. You wouldn't have been fine with it either way. Link to post Share on other sites
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