Broken up but Still Live Together

[Kittens208]

Hi, me & my ex boyfriend also (baby father) have been in a relationship for 6 years. through the 6 years we’ve had our ups and downs. mainly it was always him because he would go talk to other girls off and on , tell me not to worry about them but still did what he did.

Eventually over time kept staying trying to work things out because i just loved him so much and currently still don't even though we are not together. I became insecure within myself because i was trying to figure out why he felt like he needed to do those things with other women when i was doing all that i was supposed to be doing in the relationship.

We’re currently 25 but we got together when we were 19.  I’ve never cheated or anything the entire 6 years. I have a baby from a previous relationship that i had when i was 17. so when my son was 2 i started to date my 2nd baby father. i got pregnant with our baby when i was 21 by my 2nd baby father. we ended up moving together and he had gotten a better job to support our daughter. we were still quite young. i’ve always catered and did things like cook and clean for him and stuff and we would only argue when he was doing stuff he had no business doing because he was in a relationship with me. most of our arguments were about him talking to girls and stuff.

He was paying most of everything because i couldn’t work and due to health issues (heart problems ) i couldn’t work much. but whenever i did have money i helped the best i could. fast forward , back to the age we both currently are which is 25, we got into a huge argument about 2 or 3 months ago and he all of a sudden said so much stuff that i never knew he felt. he never opened up to me it’s just that in the argument he felt so many types of ways about me & never told me or spoke on them so i was thinking everything was fine.

He ended up telling me he faked the whole 6 years he never had feelings for me and he wishes that he can go back and do everything all over. he wishes we never met. Like i said i thought we were fine. i figured maybe he was talking like that and saying he didn’t want to be with me because i’d hear him say it only when we argue but other than that he never said it so i assumed it was only because we were arguing so maybe he’s just mad at the moment. But the next day comes , and he’s still feelin the same. he doesn’t want to be with me. but here it is , month 3 he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and we still currently live together , as i said i have health issues so i have been getting taken care of for the most part by him but maybe he feels as if i’m a burden. regardless i feel like i never did anything wrong enough for him to say he faked it all. i loved him dearly , i still do. more than anything.

He’s moved on just so quick and can never vent to me or tell me how he ever felt but can go confide in someone he just met not too long ago. i didn’t deserve any of this. not that i knew of. i was always caring. i helped as much as i could despite of my situation. he gave up on me so easily. i don’t get it? I know he needs help and he’s overwhelmed with bills because he does everything he can without any help. & maybe that’s why he looks at me different. Idk what happened and i’m still in shocks even months later. we still have sex but we aren’t together. some nights he cuddles me, we still sleep in the same bed.

He had a job and he says nobody knew about me at the job. He hid me for 6 years. but i don’t get why? and i don’t get why it’s so hard for me to accept that he just doesnt want me anymore or never really did. why did he let it go on for so long? i’ve always been genuine with him. i don’t get how he could do me like this out of all people when i was there for him more than many other people in his life. he’s very ungrateful to me. non appreciative.

I just would like to know , reading this , what could’ve went wrong and where did all these feelings he has about me come from? he doesn’t have it in him to want to work it out. But i still do the things i do. i still cook for him, i still cater to him , i still care about him and ask him how his day is. it makes me feel less than but it’s not easy to just let go of someone i’ve been with and had a child with and someone that i’m still currently in love with. i just don’t know what to do.

I’m just not in a position to move or anything like that. i’m trying to get on my feet because im no longer trying to be a place where im not wanted. he reminds me every day he doesn’t want anything to do with me. He says he broke up with me because he doesn’t see himself getting married but we’ve already been together for so long. It just isn’t adding up to me.

He acts like he hates me a lot of the time. idk how we got like this it kind of just happened. i wasn’t ready for this. and with my heart problems i just got this diagnosis in september so it’s kind of new. but right after it’s like everything went downhill. i don’t know how to feel. any advice? 

Edited February 14, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Kittens208 said:

we still have sex but we aren’t together. some nights he cuddles me, we still sleep in the same bed.

Sorry this is happening. You're not "broken up" because you're still living together and sleeping together.  Discontinue sleeping with him,  discontinue being a slave, since he clearly is using this faux breakup as an excuse to play around.

He seems a bit abusive. The best thing you can do is go to social services and apply for help with food, childcare, healthcare for yourself and your children, help with your career education and job seeking. Try to see what you're eligible for and try to get on your feet.

It seems like the reason you tolerate this is out of economic necessary. By seeking support and help, you may be able to feel more independent and not have to tolerate his disrespect.

Focus solely on taking care of yourself and your children and your and their health and wellbeing. 

[Kittens208]

thanks so much. 

[JTSW]

3 hours ago, Kittens208 said:

through the 6 years we’ve had our ups and downs. mainly it was always him because he would go talk to other girls off and on , tell me not to worry about them but still did what he did.

The first time you found out he was doing this was when you should have left him.

He has very obviously never loved you.

He was thrown into a relationship because you had a child so quickly but it was obviously not what he wanted.

3 hours ago, Kittens208 said:

He was paying most of everything

Then it's on you to move out. 

3 hours ago, Kittens208 said:

i don’t get it? I know he needs help and he’s overwhelmed with bills because he does everything he can without any help. & maybe that’s why he looks at me different. Idk what happened and i’m still in shocks even months later. we still have sex but we aren’t together. some nights he cuddles me, we still sleep in the same bed.

STOP! 

He's using you. Don't let him.

He knows you love him so he knows you will give him sex if he wants it.

But don't read into it thinking its because he cares, because he doesn't.

He is using you while you are still there.

Stop having sex with him and stop sharing a bed.

3 hours ago, Kittens208 said:

what could’ve went wrong and where did all these feelings he has about me come from?

They have always been there but you have been too blinded by your feelings for him to see it.

He was talking to other girls from the beginning but you couldn't see the truth even though it was slapping you in the face.

3 hours ago, Kittens208 said:

’m just not in a position to move or anything like that.

Because you don't want to.

You still hold out hope that he'll have some kind of moment of clarity and be with you again.

Sorry but he wont. You need to wake up and get out of there.

Can you go and stay with your parents? 

Family members?

Surely as a single mother with young children you can apply for housing and benefits.

[Acacia98]

Honestly, your ex sounds like he isn't the relationship type: he has been involved with other women the entire time he has been with you. Emotionally healthy people who genuinely believe in commitment commit. And if the relationship doesn't work out, they end it. They don't have on-again off-again relationships. Also, they don't say hurtful things to break their partner's or ex-partner's spirit and make them feel unloved. In addition, they don't break up with their partner and continue having sex with them.

The important thing to understand here is this is who he has been the entire time you've been together. 

Now, it's not safe for you to remain where you are in the long run. So it's important to start thinking about how you can get out of that situation. Do you have any options at all? Do you have relatives or friends who you can live with while trying to get on your feet again? Does the government provide support for people in your situation (health issues, unable to work, single mum to young kids, poor)? Also, what kinds of skills do you have? What can you do to earn an income that wouldn't hurt your health? It sounds like you're a homemaker. And keeping a home is a lot of work. So it sounds to me like you can work despite your heart condition. Perhaps you can figure out what other kinds of work you can safely do without worsening your heart condition?

Edited February 14, 2023 by Acacia98

[stillafool]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this hurt.  The simple fact is he's fallen out of love with you and wants to move on.  You were both so young when you had your child and that is probably why he got with you because he wanted to do what was right for his child.  Now he feels trapped and wants out.  People fall out of love all the time even though it's no fault of their partner, it's just life. Stop begging him to not break up, stop having sex because he's only using you at this point to get off because you're there.  See your doctor and find out if you're okay to work.   If so, get a job and start saving your money to move.  He will have to pay you child support for his child.  Do you also receive child support for your first child?  If so, that will help.  Also may an appointment with Social Services to seek what help they can provide.  You can take care of yourself and your 2 kids.  He will want visitation with his child.

[NuevoYorko]

Ugh.   I'm so sorry, it sounds like you are in a very painful and difficult position.   Please try to connect as much as you can with family or friends, even if they're people you have not been in much contact with over the past years.   You need real life support to help you make a plan and move on from this situation.

[Kittens208]

6 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Honestly, your ex sounds like he isn't the relationship type: he has been involved with other women the entire time he has been with you. Emotionally healthy people who genuinely believe in commitment commit. And if the relationship doesn't work out, they end it. They don't have on-again off-again relationships. Also, they don't say hurtful things to break their partner's or ex-partner's spirit and make them feel unloved. In addition, they don't break up with their partner and continue having sex with them.

The important thing to understand here is this is who he has been the entire time you've been together. 

Now, it's not safe for you to remain where you are in the long run. So it's important to start thinking about how you can get out of that situation. Do you have any options at all? Do you have relatives or friends who you can live with while trying to get on your feet again? Does the government provide support for people in your situation (health issues, unable to work, single mum to young kids, poor)? Also, what kinds of skills do you have? What can you do to earn an income that wouldn't hurt your health? It sounds like you're a homemaker. And keeping a home is a lot of work. So it sounds to me like you can work despite your heart condition. Perhaps you can figure out what other kinds of work you can safely do without worsening your heart condition?

yeah i have family. i could go to my parents house. but all of my other siblings are there so it’s crowded & not really much space or no where for our belongings. i’m starting back up this online business to make money that i used to have going before everything happened. the plan was for him to continue to let me stay there until i was able to leave but it’s hurting just staying there and i would like to leave sooner. i have computer skills I'm good with online things. i can’t do much physically specially lifting or standing for too long 

[Kittens208]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

I'm sorry you're experiencing this hurt.  The simple fact is he's fallen out of love with you and wants to move on.  You were both so young when you had your child and that is probably why he got with you because he wanted to do what was right for his child.  Now he feels trapped and wants out.  People fall out of love all the time even though it's no fault of their partner, it's just life. Stop begging him to not break up, stop having sex because he's only using you at this point to get off because you're there.  See your doctor and find out if you're okay to work.   If so, get a job and start saving your money to move.  He will have to pay you child support for his child.  Do you also receive child support for your first child?  If so, that will help.  Also may an appointment with Social Services to seek what help they can provide.  You can take care of yourself and your 2 kids.  He will want visitation with his child.

i get no child support from the first child i have because his father is incarcerated. my sons grandmother has been forging his signature & really taking every cent that was  supposed to come to me for my son since i was 19. i’ve contacted IRS about that so many times and they really aren’t doing anything about it. the only help i get now is my from my parents when it comes to any of my children. 

[Kittens208]

8 hours ago, JTSW said:

The first time you found out he was doing this was when you should have left him.

He has very obviously never loved you.

He was thrown into a relationship because you had a child so quickly but it was obviously not what he wanted.

Then it's on you to move out. 

STOP! 

He's using you. Don't let him.

He knows you love him so he knows you will give him sex if he wants it.

But don't read into it thinking its because he cares, because he doesn't.

He is using you while you are still there.

Stop having sex with him and stop sharing a bed.

They have always been there but you have been too blinded by your feelings for him to see it.

He was talking to other girls from the beginning but you couldn't see the truth even though it was slapping you in the face.

Because you don't want to.

You still hold out hope that he'll have some kind of moment of clarity and be with you again.

Sorry but he wont. You need to wake up and get out of there.

Can you go and stay with your parents? 

Family members?

Surely as a single mother with young children you can apply for housing and benefits.

i currently already receive EBT for both of my children but with housing i haven’t had any luck. my parents house is crowded because my siblings live there and it’s not much room for me and my children at all. i don’t have any contact with the rest of my family outside of my immediate family. & you’re right i was holding out hope only because sometimes he makes it seem as if there’s a chance we will be together again, but i understand now he’s just running me in a loop and using me to get what he wants out of me which is really nothing but sex. 

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Kittens208 said:

i’ve contacted IRS about that so many times and they really aren’t doing anything about it. the only help i get now is my from my parents when it comes to any of my children. 

If he's not paying for his child to eat why do you feel you need this guy?  He's a deadbeat.  He's contributing nothing so you won't be missing anything if he leaves you.  Make him leave if he's no longer in love with you.

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Kittens208 said:

yeah i have family. i could go to my parents house. but all of my other siblings are there so it’s crowded & not really much space or no where for our belongings. i’m starting back up this online business to make money that i used to have going before everything happened. the plan was for him to continue to let me stay there until i was able to leave but it’s hurting just staying there and i would like to leave sooner. i have computer skills I'm good with online things. i can’t do much physically specially lifting or standing for too long 

Go to your parents if they will have you.  If it's crowded that will motivate you to work harder to be independent.  You can put some or most of your things in storage.  It's not a good plan to stay with him until your business gets going.  You need a job to sustain you and build your business on the side.  He will not take you back or wait for you to succeed before he puts you out.  There are many jobs that do not require lifting or standing.  With computer skills you should have no problem finding one.  

[glows]

I know you’re feeling down and devastated but use this as motivation to get your life back. He’s gone. And people do change. Unfortunately, like many, you expected your relationship to last a lifetime and it’s not always the case. 

I’d try to find a part time job that lets you remain seated most of the time or provides seating. It’s stable income in addition to working on your online business until that becomes a reliable source of income. Work on your confidence and your cv and don’t keep telling yourself you can’t.

If you attend interviews emphasize your skills and be honest if you have a disability or require seating or extra accommodation on the job. They will be impressed by your honesty and clarity if you’re also bringing valuable skills. 

 

[Kittens208]

1 minute ago, glows said:

I know you’re feeling down and devastated but use this as motivation to get your life back. He’s gone. And people do change. Unfortunately, like many, you expected your relationship to last a lifetime and it’s not always the case. 

I’d try to find a part time job that lets you remain seated most of the time or provides seating. It’s stable income in addition to working on your online business until that becomes a reliable source of income. Work on your confidence and your cv and don’t keep telling yourself you can’t.

If you attend interviews emphasize your skills and be honest if you have a disability or require seating or extra accommodation on the job. They will be impressed by your honesty and clarity if you’re also bringing valuable skills. 

 

tysm !

[WorstFeelingEver]

Sorry, you are going through this... but I agree, he is using you, as you are cooking for him, catering to him, and sleeping with him.. He gets taken care of there by you and runs around on you cheating.. You need to talk with your parents to see if you can move in to get out of that environment...  AND... then you NEED to go see a lawyer... Most lawyers give you free 30- or 60-minute consultations... explain the situation about the baby daddy and your child... baby daddy NEEDS to pay you child support for his child until the child is 18 years old... while you are with a lawyer, explain about the 1st baby daddy and the baby's grandmother taking the money & not giving you any... it does not matter if 1st baby daddy is incarcerated... tough beans... he or someone in his family has to pay you for the 1st baby... you need to do this ASAP, and do not back off from doing this... This is what is best for both children.  

[JTSW]

15 hours ago, Kittens208 said:

you’re right i was holding out hope only because sometimes he makes it seem as if there’s a chance we will be together again, but i understand now he’s just running me in a loop and using me to get what he wants out of me which is really nothing but sex. 

Just please tell me you are going to stop sleeping with him.

He is being very unfair using you like that.

[Kittens208]

5 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Just please tell me you are going to stop sleeping with him.

He is being very unfair using you like that.

yeah i’m not doing that again. 

[JTSW]

Just now, Kittens208 said:

yeah i’m not doing that again. 

Good for you.

You deserve so much better than this. 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Kittens208 said:

. the only help i get now is my from my parents when it comes to any of my children. 

It's great you are receiving food benefits for yourself and your children. 

However it's time to go social services and see what else you are eligible for such as medical care for yourself and your children, housing options and employment opportunities and training. You could also inquire about disability if you have a medical condition that limits work.

While your other child's father is incarcerated, it would be difficult to secure child support. However once you move out you can apply for child support for the child you have together.

In the meantime discontinue all GF activities. If he wants a "breakup", then only take care of yourself and your children. Redirect your energy toward improving your health and circumstances.

It's understandable that you are in a difficult situation financially and with regard to housing. However do not wait until you can run your own business from home. You'll need steady active income to start getting on your feet. 

Instead seek work from home paid employment, perhaps with the help of social services or searching job ads.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

This was a sad read. 

He's never been truly invested if he's been talking to other women the whole time. This is a man who's always been halfway out the door, and while you may not have wanted to see it, the way this ended isn't really that shocking. He doesn't respect you or love you the way he should. It sounds like he just doesn't want to even bother pretending anymore (which is a good thing, since this relationship sounds miserable) But the signs were there all along that his heart wasn't in it. 

Work on getting out of the house. You two will absolutely not be able to continue living together. Stop catering to him and definitely stop having sex with him.

[Kittens208]

update : so we’ve separated fully & im no longer in the house with him. we’ve came to an agreement to just coparent , surprisingly now that we aren’t together we get along much better. we’ve talked about it and i’m kinda content with where i am because i’m comfortable not being in a relationship at this point. a lot has happened since then but i feel so much more free and i am so much more happy. i have found a decent paying job that i can work even though i have heart issues.  i’ve started talking to this one guy he’s really nice but i’ve told him that i definitely was not ready for nothing again this soon because things are still very much fresh and i need to get myself together. honestly dating is the last thing on my mind being that i came out of a 6 year relationship, but it doesn’t hurt to have a friend.  i feel better mentally , i’m learning to love myself more. i’m currently staying with my mom for the time being but since i have this job i will be making sure i get my own place soon. my crying days are over , & my ex suddenly wants me back after he said what he said to me .. it completely altered my brain chemistry when it comes to dealing with anyone now & i’m so happy with not having anyone to commit to that i don’t want to be with him. he had me , i wasn’t enough for him and now i’m gone. 😊i’m definitely a work in progress but i’m okay now after i thought i would never be. thanks guys for everything y’all really have helped me a lot.