I don't respect other people's things

[glows]

10 minutes ago, Whatitistoburn said:

This is actually spot on. We talked about what happened and he explained it exactly how you did. He said it wasnt the act itself that angered him but what I said when I was confronted which was minimizing the situation so I can get out of it. And I agree, I overgeneralized but that was exactly how his words made me feel. I took offence and I couldn't accept that that was how he sees me. He told me that that room was his ONLY personal space in the house which is NOT TRUE. After he declared that, I said to him how this is the reason why I did not want to be in that office. He is giving up on the fish so I offered on taking them and moving them out to the spare room downstairs. He said NO. 

We have so much baggage and most days, it's a struggle. We are not happy anymore.

I’m confused why you’re not accepting what he says that this is his personal space and/or work space. Why is that not true to you? I ask as I would like to hear how you feel hearing that. What do you feel you’re not getting out of the relationship? 

Can you not separate the relationship from the work space? What I’d do is have a clear boundary between work and personal living area. It isn’t about the both of you as a couple but you’re interpreting it that way. You’re not understanding one another and taking what he says as a personal affront and insult to your marriage. That’s not what the workspace is for.

Leave the fish for now. It’s kind of you to offer to care for them but they are really his fish so let him figure it out. 

I think you’re trying very hard to reconnect with your husband but inadvertently encroaching on a space that he needs for work. Your love language is acts of service but he doesn’t recognize that and sees it as an inconvenience. You want to help but it’s misplaced in the space he doesn’t need or want help.

I’d look at hobbies and local interests, volunteer or get busy. Find work if you would like to work more and feel empowered about what you do on a daily basis. Just keep in mind it’s not that he doesn’t want you. You both just need better boundaries and understanding between one another.

[Whatitistoburn]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

I’m confused why you’re not accepting what he says that this is his personal space and/or work space. Why is that not true to you? I ask as I would like to hear how you feel hearing that. What do you feel you’re not getting out of the relationship? 

Can you not separate the relationship from the work space? What I’d do is have a clear boundary between work and personal living area. It isn’t about the both of you as a couple but you’re interpreting it that way. You’re not understanding one another and taking what he says as a personal affront and insult to your marriage. That’s not what the workspace is for.

Leave the fish for now. It’s kind of you to offer to care for them but they are really his fish so let him figure it out. 

I think you’re trying very hard to reconnect with your husband but inadvertently encroaching on a space that he needs for work. Your love language is acts of service but he doesn’t recognize that and sees it as an inconvenience. You want to help but it’s misplaced in the space he doesn’t need or want help.

I’d look at hobbies and local interests, volunteer or get busy. Find work if you would like to work more and feel empowered about what you do on a daily basis. Just keep in mind it’s not that he doesn’t want you. You both just need better boundaries and understanding between one another.

Sorry when I said THIS IS NOT TRUE, I meant, he has other personal spaces in the house and I didn't like he was making it out like the animals and I are taking up so much space while he only gets that one small room. But Yes, I accepted this and yes, we have set boundaries. This will not happen again. EVER. The plants were on the table he allotted for me. This is a year-long project.But yes, this has been resolved and we are determined to move on.

[Whatitistoburn]

Thank you for all your responses. Whether positive or negative, this has greatly helped me. It is good to get an objective view of things.

There are some questions I have not answered. I'll try on this post.

1. I'm 10 years younger than him but no, I'm not the messy one. I respect people's privacy. I respect other people, my elders, authority. Days before this happened, we were just talking about how people borrow things and don't bother returning them. This used to happen to me a lot but I also don't remind people or tell them off because I'm a pushover or I used to be.

2. This incident only happened twice but he made it out to be a regular 'mistake' that I make. 

3. YES, I have paid for my sins. This is a very small and stupid thing and nothing compared to what I have to go through for 15 years. Inputs, opinions, suggestions, decisions that I shared were not considered because I'm young and inexperienced which in hindsight turned out to be good decisions which could've avoided us having to go through crap. We talked about this and he admitted his faults. It was only in the past few years (when we stopped having sex) that I've finally become assertive and vocal about my feelings maybe because I finally accepted the fact that we are no longer attracted to each other and no matter what I do, I cannot make him love me the way he used to so I have to stop trying to please him and serve him. Maybe he wants to relinquish control so he snapped at me on the very day that we had a romantic plan and while I was in the process of hiding away his presents because it was a surprise. When he got his presents that day, he wasn't happy because it was too much he said and he only got me a card.

4. He won't admit it but he's been so stressed by this new project that he started last year right at the same time that we planned IVF. We planned IVF months before that. He assured me that he will make it work. No. Did not. We talked about this, too. Yes, adding a baby to the mix is not the answer to our problems but the problems started when we cannot even try because meds and alcohol made it very hard. The doctor has adjusted the meds and he has lowered the alcohol intake but now, he admitted to be scared of even trying...to make love to me. 

5. I got depressed because of this. It is harder during my ovulation week. Though I have stopped testing, I know my body too well to know when it is time. I'd feel a glimmer of hope and I'd get really horny and then, I get destroyed because it will pass and nothing happens. We talked about this and every time, he gets angry because he'd say I don't give him a heads up of the OV approaching but we decided to give up on it so now he's ok with me keeping to myself during this time of the month to avoid fighting.

6. I am done feeling like I'm a subordinate because I'm younger, inexperienced, from a third world country and once again, I've offered that I could give him his space and I'm taking the animals with me so he wont have any distractions and so he can focus on what matters to him. I'm exhausted and I hate feeling like this when I'm not even 40 yet.

He said he's not giving up on us. He is a great human being and I love him but we are not happy anymore. I don't make him happy anymore and he deserves to be happy so he has to let go. I told him he deserves better than this. I am very flawed and maybe I should be alone and not drag him down with me.

Edited February 16, 2023 by Whatitistoburn

[glows]

Thanks for clarifying all those points. It feels like a lot of resentment for the years he was dismissive. Are you contributing to paying any of the expenses or bills?

When you get horny/in the mood does he know? Make it less about having a baby and more about the two of you as a couple. I’m not a man so wouldn’t know what it feels like in his position but it might be painful being looked at as a male baby maker part rather than a loved and respected, drop dead gorgeous or sexy man. 

Anyway my heart goes out to both of you. You seem like a very caring and generous person.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Really thoughtful summary Whatitistoburn. Really good luck.

Sounds like you have good perspectives on things.  I hope (assuming guys want this) you guys can work things out more. You guys might be able to repair and rebuild your marriage with a good marriage counselor. If for now you guys are going to stay together, why not try to improve things.

Sounds like you guys need a reboot that reshapes the relationship in fundamental ways and that addresses the age dynamic and the cultural difference dynamic. Good luck!!!!!!

[Els]

On 2/16/2023 at 12:56 PM, Whatitistoburn said:

This is a very small and stupid thing and nothing compared to what I have to go through for 15 years. Inputs, opinions, suggestions, decisions that I shared were not considered because I'm young and inexperienced which in hindsight turned out to be good decisions which could've avoided us having to go through crap. We talked about this and he admitted his faults. It was only in the past few years (when we stopped having sex) that I've finally become assertive and vocal about my feelings maybe because I finally accepted the fact that we are no longer attracted to each other and no matter what I do, I cannot make him love me the way he used to so I have to stop trying to please him and serve him. 

Okay, yikes. With all due respect, nobody responding to you could possibly have known that this is the context of your relationship. Of course, now that we do know about this, the whole plant thing is obviously a complete non-issue. It's like worrying about chipping a nail when you're getting hit by a truck.

So now that we have all this out in the open... why exactly are you still with him? It doesn't sound like this relationship is meeting any of your needs. Not your emotional needs, not your sexual needs, and not your companionship needs. So why?

Also, perhaps more importantly, why are you trying to bring a child into this relationship? It's not just about it "not fixing your problems". It's about the fact that growing up with parents who obviously can't stand each other will cause a lot of childhood trauma to the child, leading to issues that may stay with them throughout their entire lives. Growing up with a single parent is fine, growing up in the midst of a relationship like this will not be fine. If you want a child this badly, why not just leave him and go with a sperm donor?

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, 

I missed the boat in my reply above. Sounds like you are on the cusp of really asserting yourself and standing up for yourself! Whether or not you guys work things out as a couple, sounds to me like you are ready stand up for yourself and speak your voice and to not assume he knows life and you don't and that your views don't count. Congratulations on rejecting ALL of that. May take some time for you to fully gain the voice and make the change of standing up for yourself, but that's OK.

Keep going down that path--no matter where it leads. Might lead you staying with him (as the marriage changes and he changes) or might lead to you leaving. Just keep going down that path!!!! You deserve full respect and full voice. 

 

[ShyViolet]

OP, I didn't even realize that the relationship has so many fundamental and deep problems.  You are not happy together at all and this relationship is not meeting your needs.  This relationship needs to end.  You can't force something to work that is not working.  And please do not bring a child into this relationship.... I'm sorry but how horrible and irresponsible it would be to bring a child into a toxic, deeply unhappy relationship such as this one.  What you should be doing is planning your exit from this relationship so you can actually move on with your life and find happiness.