In Love Posted July 2, 2001 Share Posted July 2, 2001 I am a 40 yr old woman. I have been separated from my husband for two months. The plan is to move through with a divorce. We have been married for 18 yrs. We have a 16 yr old son, who seems happier now that my husband and I are separated, as he now does not have to witness us arguing all the time. I was controlled throughout the marriage by a detached husband. Our sex life was very boring and infrequent. I am a passionate and sensual person by nature, so the infrequent and boring sex was very hard for me to deal with. Our marriage 'ended' many years ago - a couple of months ago we mutually decided to spend some time apart. I met a man 2 & 1/2 months ago in a outpatient treatment program for depression. He is 43 yrs old. We now attend an after care support group once a week. He and I have a very strong connection. We understand and accept each other, whereas our spouses do not. He said he and his spouse are just living in the same house. He remains there because of their two daughters, who are 7 months old and 3 & 1/2 yrs old. He takes care of the children while his wife works in her at-home studio. This is his second marriage. He ended his first marriage. I have fallen hard for this man. I have never felt so intense about a man before. I expressed my feelings for him. He said he has the same feelings, but tries not to think about it. He said his feelings for me scare him. He would like his marriage to work out for the sake of his children (I respect that, but wish I had left my marriage years ago because of what our son went through with it). He spoke to his sponsor who told him to absolutely not act on his feelings towards me. He then told me over the phone that it is too soon for both of us to get into a relationship. He said we need to both continue to go to the support group meetings and keep our relationship within the context of the meetings. As he rationalized the reasons, he would also ask, "Don't you think?" I agreed with him over the phone to avoid getting too emotional (I didn't want to put him through that). I later sent him an e-mail (which he hasn't see yet) telling him that I do not agree with his rationalizations. I told him I love him. I also told him that I respect his choice. I said in the e-mail that I do not want to get into a serious relationship or live with anyone right now. I told him he should stay at home. I would still like to see him outside of the group to talk, etc. I at first didn't think I could still attend the group meetings, as it will be too hard to be in the same room with him. Last week I had to leave the room twice, as I was overwhelmed with passion for him. I have now decided to attend the meeting this week. Please advise me. The meeting is on July 3rd. Thank you. From: 'In Love' Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 2, 2001 Share Posted July 2, 2001 You have some very serious issues which require attention. You are an adult many years removed yet you are going for a married man who has told you he wants to remain with his wife. Get some respect!!! You also aren't able to handle being in the same room with this guy because you love him so much. YUK...you hardly know the guy...a guy you know from a depression support group. What a catch!!! There are so VERY MANY men who are unmarried and available and who would be good for you. Why don't you take just a little bit of time out to find one rather than try to press into someone's life who has already told you to butt out. This married man went to this support group to get help for his depression, NOT to get hit on by a woman who fell instantly in love with him. His wife is looking for him to get help at these meetings as well, not to have an affair. I know you have gone through a long, loveless marriage but you are fixing to get yourself into lots more trouble with your agressive attitude towards this man who just wants to be your friend. Leave him alone, get ahold of your emotions and move on with your life. There is nothing good that is going to come from going after a married man who has his own life to live and his own lessons to learn. Link to post Share on other sites
In Love Posted July 2, 2001 Share Posted July 2, 2001 Thank you Tony for being so candid. You are right. I have many years of repressed passion and longing. I am very lonely and I want to be careful not to just give in and take my husband back (he is not doing anything about his issues). I guess I am scared as well. There are a lot of scary and sick people out there. I also know there are a lot of good men out there too. I guess I am more 'In Lust' with this guy then 'In Love.' I don't know what came over me. I needed a wake up call - thank you!! You have some very serious issues which require attention. You are an adult many years removed yet you are going for a married man who has told you he wants to remain with his wife. Get some respect!!! You also aren't able to handle being in the same room with this guy because you love him so much. YUK...you hardly know the guy...a guy you know from a depression support group. What a catch!!! There are so VERY MANY men who are unmarried and available and who would be good for you. Why don't you take just a little bit of time out to find one rather than try to press into someone's life who has already told you to butt out. This married man went to this support group to get help for his depression, NOT to get hit on by a woman who fell instantly in love with him. His wife is looking for him to get help at these meetings as well, not to have an affair. I know you have gone through a long, loveless marriage but you are fixing to get yourself into lots more trouble with your agressive attitude towards this man who just wants to be your friend. Leave him alone, get ahold of your emotions and move on with your life. There is nothing good that is going to come from going after a married man who has his own life to live and his own lessons to learn. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 2, 2001 Share Posted July 2, 2001 You have made some very sharp observations. There are many weird and sick people in the world today. I don't really know if there are more than before or not. However, because of the way people are raised these days, because of the liberal mass media, because of liberal laws, etc., I would say your chances of finding a kind, understanding, respectful, considerate, responsible person are perhaps a bit more difficult than they would have been some years ago. I am glad you are retreating from your pursuit of this particular man. Yes, the transition will be rough on you at first. But once you have your bearings straight, once you have your head settled, you will be in a far better position to take your time and find someone who has their head on straight as well. There are very nice people out there. As you get older, you have to understand that it is more difficult to merge into another's personality. You'll have to compromise a bit more. When you're young, you aren't so much set in your ways and there is much more room for and ability to compromise and adapt to another's life. Just don't dive into anything without giving it a lot of thought. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
In Love Posted July 5, 2001 Share Posted July 5, 2001 Tony, what are your credentials? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 5, 2001 Share Posted July 5, 2001 Credentials for what...for giving advice here? I have the same credentials as anyone else who comes into this forum. I have a computer and a desire to be of service to other people. I hope I was able to help you. Your question would indicate I may or may not have been of service to you. If not, post your questions again at the top and see if others will reply. Link to post Share on other sites
In Love Posted July 5, 2001 Share Posted July 5, 2001 On the contrary, you were very helpful. You have a lot of insight, so I was just curious as to your background, education, etc. I just cannot stop thinking about the guy. Link to post Share on other sites
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