Been struggling today

[Ryan_B]

Hello. 

So I've been divorced from my wife now for around 2 and a half years. I'll be 31 next month.  We have two young daughter's who we have almost 50/50 custody/access with. She met a guy about a month after we split up and have been living with him (and the children when she has them) for about 2 years. I've had a few dates with various women since then but nothing has ever lasted or developed into anything other than fun and casual dates etc. I'd love to meet a nice girl to have a proper relationship with but that just doesn't seem possible.

Being valentine's today's, I've been feeling really lonely and down. Despite the fact I've been at work all the day and then went to football tonight (soccer to you Americans on here 😂). I keep thinking about my ex wife and her partner and what they are possibly getting upto (no prizes for guessing what they'll be upto now it's nighttime!!) And keep seeing happy couples everywhere, and I just don't see myself ever being that lucky. How do people cope with feelings of loneliness, feeling lost and just useless and a failure quite frankly?!

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Ryan_B said:

 .Being valentine's today's, I've been feeling really lonely and down. 

Sorry this is happening. Valentine's day is hard on the loney or brokenhearted. It just brings things to the fore. You're doing the right things working, staying busy,etc. Once the day is over you'll feel better. Plan something great for yourself this weekend. 

[Ryan_B]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Valentine's day is hard on the loney or brokenhearted. It just brings things to the fore. You're doing the right things working, staying busy,etc. Once the day is over you'll feel better. Plan something great for yourself this weekend. 

The trouble is, it's not just today I feel like this. It's everyday, constantly. I have my daughter's with me this weekend so they'll keep me busy, but I just feel like there's something massive missing from my life and I just don't know if I'll ever get it back again. I would love to have a family style Life, my children and a nice partner, but it just doesn't seem like it's going to ever happen, and seeing everyone else all loved up just makes it even harder

 

[mark clemson]

51 minutes ago, Ryan_B said:

 I've had a few dates with various women since then but nothing has ever lasted or developed into anything other than fun and casual dates etc. I'd love to meet a nice girl to have a proper relationship with but that just doesn't seem possible.

One has to keep in mind that a significant % of the unattached women you're with may not be very good at lasting in longer relationships. So, it's going to be the smaller, but still real % who are "good at" maintaining LTRs. With that in mind, keep trying. Although you haven't had luck (in terms of something long term) realistically what % of the eligible female population around you have you dated? It can't possibly be even 1% of what's out there. So, you've had the experiences and "luck" that you happened to have, but your sample size isn't even anywhere close to being exhaustive. The point being there is almost certainly someone out there who is long-term compatible with you, you just haven't found her yet.

If you find success dating relatively easy, you may also consider whether you have a "type" you unconsciously gravitate towards, but perhaps that "type" isn't the type of woman who genuinely sticks around in LTRs.

If dating doesn't come easy for you, you could consider reading A Billion Wicked Thoughts - specifically the chapters on female attraction, and seeing what you can put into practice from there. In fact you might read it even if you do have success dating, just to help you generate even more opportunities, or to see if you can make some of those ideas work as LT-relationship helpers.

Ultimately, a relationship boils down to a mutual choice to continue it. So the more you can do to make the other person want to choose to continue to be with you the better. Keep that in mind, but also realize that people are complicated and not one-size-fits-all. So some women will stick with a (genuinely) nice guy while others will tire of him and lose respect, etc. Other women will tolerate even an abusive partner (not that I'm suggesting you become one) while many others will (wisely) be out the door at the first sign of a pattern of abuse.  The point is you'll need to size up your partner psychologically to understand what makes her "tick" and/or continue to choose being in a relationship with you.

Edited February 14, 2023 by mark clemson

[Lotsgoingon]

You're suffering a brain glitch. Your ex and this guy are yelling and screaming and getting on each other's nerves. 

Of course, I'm only imagining but there is 50-50 chance I'm right. That an ex partners quickly with someone does not mean she has found bliss with that person. Usually means the ex has rushed unwisely into a new relationship, And fwi: your ex hasn't forgotten about you and what she really likes about you.

I say this to say keep going--if your ex didn't grieve the breakup, then that grief is likely showing up in her new relationship, causing havoc with it. 

[glows]

You were legally divorced only early last year around this time. You both separated in 2020. I’m mentioning this because the timeline does make a difference.

You were here around the same time last year in April mentioning feeling this way but quite a few of those women you had dated were when you were separated and not legally divorced. You’re likely to be attracting people with the same or similar unfinished business as you. Congratulate yourself for how far you’ve come and put things in more perspective. 

Did you ever spend any moment of that time single driven and happy with yourself? If that’s a no, no healthy person is going to want to involve themselves with another person who can’t be happy with themselves or at peace with who they are first. 

It gets easier with time. Keep working on that inner confidence and enjoy your life with or without someone. You’re more likely to attract someone equally motivated and emotionally healthy that way. 

 

Edited February 15, 2023 by glows

[OKtoday]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You're suffering a brain glitch. Your ex and this guy are yelling and screaming and getting on each other's nerves. 

Of course, I'm only imagining but there is 50-50 chance I'm right. That an ex partners quickly with someone does not mean she has found bliss with that person. Usually means the ex has rushed unwisely into a new relationship, And fwi: your ex hasn't forgotten about you and what she really likes about you.

I say this to say keep going--if your ex didn't grieve the breakup, then that grief is likely showing up in her new relationship, causing havoc with it. 

I agree, the one who takes the time to heal first, will elevate into a healthier relationship.

Bigger gifts in life will come your way and your patience will be a blessing!

[JTSW]

Firstly, stop thinking about your ex wife and her bf doing the deed.

It's just making you feel worse and you don't even know if that's how they spend the evenings.

It shouldn't even matter to you.

Stop thinking about their relationship full stop. 

Have you tried dating sites?

Take up some hobbies.

Go to the gym to gain back some self confidence.

Go out to bars with your friends.

It's hard to think that you might meet someone right now because it hasn't been that long.

But there will be someone out there for you.