Push/pull left out in the cold

[Notagain123]

Hi, new here. I have never posted but really need help. Brief background. MW with 3 kids and MM with one child. Met at work, 3 year intense affair. He ended relationship in 2021 after he tells me he had an awakening/guilt. He had contacted me intermittently during that time. We met up after we hadn’t seen each other for 5 months and immediately after ghosted me again for 4 months. He showed up at my job one day out of the blue after no contact in 4 months. We talked, had phone sex and kind of resumed talking again, possible plans to meet again. We talked for a couple weeks when he ghosted me again. I have reached out three times and no response. I am so mad at myself for engaging with him again. I was doing so much better before he reached out. Now I am in a complete funk. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this hole. It’s been a rollercoster relationship and yet I still won’t close the door completely. Any advice is greatly appreciated

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

. I don’t know how to pull myself out of this hole. It’s been a rollercoster relationship and yet I still won’t close the door completely. 

It seems like you may be trying to resolve an unhappy marriage by seeking out a distraction.

What you could do is ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. You can explore, unpack and sort out what led to this.

Additionally, affairs are isolating, so you can speak to a therapist privately and confidentiality about what's going on.

[Theeisor]

Time will ease the funk and absolutely no contact. Don’t allow him to do this to you again. I’ve been there with the push and pull and you can easily get sucked back in because somehow reappearing gives you those temporary feelings of joy but it only makes you sink further down once he disappears again, and he will. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for falling for it again. It does get better but you have to be the one to shut the door! Good luck. 

[Notagain123]

3 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

Time will ease the funk and absolutely no contact. Don’t allow him to do this to you again. I’ve been there with the push and pull and you can easily get sucked back in because somehow reappearing gives you those temporary feelings of joy but it only makes you sink further down once he disappears again, and he will. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for falling for it again. It does get better but you have to be the one to shut the door! Good luck. 

Thank you! I have gone through this so many times with him. It’s awful. Each time makes me feel worse and worse. Just when I was almost in the clear he reappeared even if briefly. I don’t get why he would keep doing this to me over and over. It’s just plain mean. 

[Theeisor]

1 minute ago, Notagain123 said:

Thank you! I have gone through this so many times with him. It’s awful. Each time makes me feel worse and worse. Just when I was almost in the clear he reappeared even if briefly. I don’t get why he would keep doing this to me over and over. It’s just plain mean. 

It really is cruel to ghost someone. He might be feeling guilty and since you’re “there” for him, he likely assumes that you’ll always be “there” and the cycle continues. Sounds like you’ve been in this for sometime and believe me, it will never ever get easier and it will never change so it’s really a matter of how much you will allow this. 

[Notagain123]

9 minutes ago, Theeisor said:

It really is cruel to ghost someone. He might be feeling guilty and since you’re “there” for him, he likely assumes that you’ll always be “there” and the cycle continues. Sounds like you’ve been in this for sometime and believe me, it will never ever get easier and it will never change so it’s really a matter of how much you will allow this. 

I know you are right. I want to reach my breaking point. If he feels so guilty I don’t know why he comes sniffing around. It doesn’t make sense to me. I will keep trying. I know I won’t contact him again. That much I know. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. Just wish I could stop the obsessing. This last 5 month break I was so far along in the process. Wasn’t thinking about him constantly. Now it’s back with a vengeance. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Notagain123 said:

Any advice is greatly appreciated

Close the door completely. 

Honestly, you have to require more for yourself. There is nothing so special about this man that you would let him come and go from your life this way.

It’s time to make a decision for yourself and let this go. If you haven’t had any counselling, you may want to consider it. We all return to old habits that are no longer serving us… changing the old, familiar patterns sometimes take a little extra help and support. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Notagain123 said:

If he feels so guilty I don’t know why he comes sniffing around.

Because this is what married men do…

It’s a pattern on this board, when they get bored, or if they are stressed out/unhappy, after they’ve had a fight with their wife, because he got a new haircut and he’s feeling good! ;), or just to see if they still got it/he’s still got you under his finger and you will respond to him - they do it often. It’s not about you, it about him. 

When you understand that, you will stop responding to him. Just because he is searching for attention, doesn’t mean that you have to give it. 

Edited February 15, 2023 by BaileyB

[Notagain123]

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Close the door completely. 

Honestly, you have to require more for yourself. There is nothing so special about this man that you would let him come and go from your life this way.

It’s time to make a decision for yourself and let this go. If you haven’t had any counselling, you may want to consider it. We all return to old habits that are no longer serving us… changing the old, familiar patterns sometimes take a little extra help and support. 

Thanks for the support. I know what needs to happen just can’t seem to have my heart catch up to my head. This is so irrational. I came here to gain some strength and perspective. Im so mad at myself for always being available to him. I never even get mad. It’s so wild

[Notagain123]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Because this is what married men do…

It’s a pattern on this board, when they get bored, or if they are stressed out/unhappy, after they’ve had a fight with their wife, because he got a new haircut and he’s feeling good! ;), or just to see if they still got it/he’s still got you under his finger and you will respond to him - they do it often. It’s not about you, it about him. 

When you understand that, you will stop responding to him. Just because he is searching for attention, doesn’t mean that you have to give it. 

I know you’re right it’s about him. He’s super religious. I don’t understand why he keeps hurting me over and over. For someone so righteous he really doesn’t care 

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

I don’t understand why he keeps hurting me over and over.

The simple answer to that question is because you allow it. 
 

14 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

For someone so righteous he really doesn’t care 

The man has been conducting an “intense” three year extramarital affair while returning home to sleep next to his wife and apparently sit next to her in church every Sunday. People who attend church are capable of being just as selfish, hurtful, and dishonest as anyone else - they just tend to be a little more self righteous and hypocritical about it. 

What’s more, we know for fact that he is very capable of hurting a woman because he’s been lying and betraying his wife for years. 

It makes no logical sense that he would engage in selfish behavior that is hurtful to his wife but somehow, you are immune? With you, it is different?

Edited February 15, 2023 by BaileyB

[Notagain123]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The simple answer to that question is because you allow it. 
 

The man has been conducting an “intense” three year extramarital affair while returning home to sleep next to his wife and apparently sit next to her in church every Sunday. People who attend church are capable of being just as selfish, hurtful, and dishonest as anyone else - they just tend to be a little more self righteous and hypocritical about it. 

What’s more, we know for fact that he is very capable of hurting a woman because he’s been lying and betraying his wife for years. 

It makes no logical sense that he would engage in selfish behavior that is hurtful to his wife but somehow, you are immune? With you, it is different?

I completely agree and my logical self knows I am nothing special and certainly know what he is capable of. Do I just block or do I tell him never to contact me again? He’s a monster. A true manipulator. The darkest human I have ever encountered. It’s hard to let go. I want to just start focusing on myself but he’s back to consuming all my thoughts. I was doing so well I don’t know how I am back here again 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

 my logical self knows I am nothing special

Why do you say this about yourself?  I hope that you're not thinking that he'd want to leave his wife for you if you were more "special"

[Notagain123]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Why do you say this about yourself?  I hope that you're not thinking that he'd want to leave his wife for you if you were more "special"

I didn’t mean it that way. More the fact that our affair is not different from most. There are layers to it obviously but I have never expected him or wanted him to leave his wife. I know the relationship had to end. I accepted it, was healing and almost as if he had a radar on me he was back. I was finally feeling more like my old self. I’m so angry about this set back. And him ghosting again. It’s the one thing I have asked him not to do. To just be real with me. Not to play this game. 

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Why do you say this about yourself?  I hope that you're not thinking that he'd want to leave his wife for you if you were more "special"

Exactly what I was going to say. 

How did you get him out of your mind the first time? Do that again - 

Does the anger you feel toward the fact that he has ghosted you - again - not lead you to want to move past this dead end relationship? 

What do you get from perseverating on him and staying in this relationship? 

Edited February 16, 2023 by BaileyB

[Notagain123]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Exactly what I was going to say. 

How did you get him out of your mind the first time? Do that again - 

Does the anger you feel toward the fact that he has ghosted you - again - not lead you to want to move past this dead end relationship? 

What do you get from perseverating on him and staying in this relationship? 

I wish the anger was enough. It never seems to be no matter how hard I try. I guess time and acceptance the last time helped. He wanted to do the right thing and bc I love him I respected that. I didn’t try to get back, I just let it go. I didn’t expect him to be back again just to disappear. I figured if he ever came back he wouldn’t leave again. 

[BaileyB]

 

21 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

I wish the anger was enough. It never seems to be no matter how hard I try.

As Henry Ford said, whether you think you can or you think you can’t - you are right. 

If you want things to change, you have to do something different. If you haven’t found yourself a counsellor, that would be a good start. 

[Notagain123]

18 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

 

As Henry Ford said, whether you think you can or you think you can’t - you are right. 

If you want things to change, you have to do something different. If you haven’t found yourself a counsellor, that would be a good start. 

You are right. I have put off therapy for too long. I guess that’s a place to start. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Notagain123 said:

I wish the anger was enough. It never seems to be no matter how hard I try. I guess time and acceptance the last time helped. He wanted to do the right thing and bc I love him I respected that. I didn’t try to get back, I just let it go. I didn’t expect him to be back again just to disappear. I figured if he ever came back he wouldn’t leave again. 

Ok, there was a misunderstanding. This won’t change. You’ll have to be the change. Are you ready to block and delete forever?

[JTSW]

13 hours ago, Notagain123 said:

I have gone through this so many times with him. It’s awful. Each time makes me feel worse and worse. Just when I was almost in the clear he reappeared even if briefly. I don’t get why he would keep doing this to me over and over. It’s just plain mean. 

Because you allow him to do it over and over when he feels like it.

He is using you when he gets bored and he doesn't care if it hurts you.

10 hours ago, Notagain123 said:

I don’t understand why he keeps hurting me over and over.

Because you let him.

Stop letting him in.

Block him everywhere so he cant contact you in any way.

If he shows up, walk away and avoid him at all costs.

He will soon get the hint that way and will stop bothering you.

[Notagain123]

38 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Because you allow him to do it over and over when he feels like it.

He is using you when he gets bored and he doesn't care if it hurts you.

Because you let him.

Stop letting him in.

Block him everywhere so he cant contact you in any way.

If he shows up, walk away and avoid him at all costs.

He will soon get the hint that way and will stop bothering you.

I can try for sure. I want to believe he cares. But actions speak louder than words. 

[Notagain123]

8 hours ago, glows said:

Ok, there was a misunderstanding. This won’t change. You’ll have to be the change. Are you ready to block and delete forever?

I want to be ready but in reality I keep waiting for him to reach out. I don’t know why it is taking so long for me to move on. I usually can think rationally and this has thrown me completely. He’s got such full control over me even in his absence. Which is exactly what he always wants. 

[JTSW]

14 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

I want to believe he cares.

If he cared, he wouldn't do this to you.

[Notagain123]

10 minutes ago, JTSW said:

If he cared, he wouldn't do this to you.

That’s a hard pill to swallow and of course I know this in my head. It’s my heart that I can’t convince. I’m also mad at myself since I had the opportunity to ignore him and I didn’t. I so easily responded which means I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was. 

[JTSW]

3 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

That’s a hard pill to swallow and of course I know this in my head. It’s my heart that I can’t convince. I’m also mad at myself since I had the opportunity to ignore him and I didn’t. I so easily responded which means I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was. 

And this is why it is so easy for him to manipulate you, because you let him.