Push/pull left out in the cold

[glows]

6 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

Do you keep telling yourself this? That he’s the exception to the rule or different from everyone else? 

I don’t know that I think he is the exception to a rule but more like how you can be so cruel to someone you cared about. I never saw this type of evil before.

Try changing the negative self talk. Also, respectfully, no more of the pity party. You’re not a victim here so best to take yourself out of that mindset. It’s okay to feel disappointed with yourself, then shake it off or snap out of it and develop some resolve and move on. We make mistakes and then learn from them. 

It’s the expectation that you keep having of yourself to fail and that he’s different somehow that will continue keeping you in this cycle. 
you are absolutely right.
 

I do not mean to come off as a pity party. I don’t even feel a right to be upset which is why I came here bc in my actual life I could never admit what happened here to anyone. I wanted to get feedback without fear of being judged. I am trying to make changes so I can feel more empowered. 

 

So the thread is an outlet for you which is understandable. 

People deceive others all the time which isn’t ideal but it happens. You’re doing it too being a married woman with three kids having an affair. This is not meant to make you feel worse but I fail to see where this is any different. 

As an AP he’s shown to be not so reliable. It’s time to let go. 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Notagain123 said:

Do I tell him that I plan to block him?

No. You just block the man! 

He has already left. In case you didn’t notice, he has already gone home to his wife. They are making coffee this morning, maybe they had sex and slept in each other’s arms last night. 



 

 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

People deceive others all the time which isn’t ideal but it happens. You’re doing it too being a married woman with three kids having an affair. This is not meant to make you feel worse but I fail to see where this is any different. 

Agree completely. All this focus on “how could he hurt me this way…”  there is a certain lack of insight there. 

To say OP that you realize you’ve been distracted, not engaged fully with your children and your family, that you are working on recommitting to your family… and then, to get so completely blown off course because you have left the door open for your affair partner to contact you?? How is this any different.

[Notagain123]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

So the thread is an outlet for you which is understandable. 

People deceive others all the time which isn’t ideal but it happens. You’re doing it too being a married woman with three kids having an affair. This is not meant to make you feel worse but I fail to see where this is any different. 

As an AP he’s shown to be not so reliable. It’s time to let go. 

You are right. I am also very deceitful. The irony is not lost on me. Which is exactly why I feel deserving of the pain. I would rather take the pain than to hurt anyone else further. I just want to be happy and healthy with a “normal” life. Meaning to be content with all the blessings I do have. I need to work on my own self-confidence. That’s what this comes down to. My self-worth and needing validation from him. 

[Notagain123]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No. You just block the man! 

He has already left. In case you didn’t notice, he has already gone home to his wife. They are making coffee this morning, maybe they had sex and slept in each other’s arms last night. 



 

 

Yes I can completely understand that he left. It’s that abandonment that hurts. Being left out in the cold wondering that makes it so hard. If he would just man up and say he made a mistake and wants to go back to nc I would feel much better. It would take home less than 5 minutes to write that to me. 

[Notagain123]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Agree completely. All this focus on “how could he hurt me this way…”  there is a certain lack of insight there. 

To say OP that you realize you’ve been distracted, not engaged fully with your children and your family, that you are working on recommitting to your family… and then, to get so completely blown off course because you have left the door open for your affair partner to contact you?? How is this any different.

I guess it’s not different. I’m just hurting and needed some harsh realities. I know all of what you are saying is true. It’s just very painful to be completely discarded. Like a piece of trash. 

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Notagain123 said:

Yes I can completely understand that he left. It’s that abandonment that hurts. Being left out in the cold wondering that makes it so hard. If he would just man up and say he made a mistake and wants to go back to nc I would feel much better. It would take home less than 5 minutes to write that to me. 

Again, counselling. 

How exactly is the fact that he takes five minutes to write you a note saying that he wants to go no contact - he’s decided he made a mistake and he has chosen to stay with his family - how does that help you? Does that hurt less? Does it mean that he is  more noble man? Does it mean that he cares? Does that mean - it’s not you, it’s me? 

He’s made his decision. Believe it or not, it actually has very little to do with you - don’t take it personally. He’s just doing what serves him best. As most married men do. Just accept that for what it is and move on. 

 

[Notagain123]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Again, counselling. 
Yes you are right I need to go back to therapy. I will do that. 
How exactly is the fact that he takes five minutes to write you a note saying that he wants to go no contact - he’s decided he made a mistake and he has chosen to stay with his family - how does that help you? Does that hurt less? Does it mean that he is  more noble man? Does it mean that he cares? Does that mean - it’s not you, it’s me? 
I guess it would make me feel less mistreated. More respected and just common courtesy. I’ve asked him not to do this. When he came back this time I said please don’t just disappear. Maybe he wants to hurt me so I close the door. 
He’s made his decision. Believe it or not, it actually has very little to do with you - don’t take it personally. He’s just doing what serves him best. As most married men do. Just accept that for what it is and move on. 

Im trying desperately to move on. Much easier said than done. 

 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

It’s just very painful to be completely discarded. Like a piece of trash. 

Of course it is. But this is the typical reality for these type of relationships. This is the usual result of most extramarital affairs. 

If you don’t want to be discarded in this way, then don’t involve yourself as the “third person” in a relationship. It’s never going to end well for you. 

Don’t put yourself in the position to be discarded by allowing him back into your heart and mind again. 

 

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

I guess it would make me feel less mistreated. More respected and just common courtesy.

So this, is about you. Not him. 

Something to discuss in counselling. Why does your self worth, your validation, your own happiness depend on whether he apologizes when he leaves you to go back to his wife or not. 

It doesn’t actually change the way that he has disrespected you. It just allows you to feel a little better about yourself. It allows you to feel a little better about him - he’s feeling guilt, he doesn’t want to hurt his wife anymore so he is sacrificing our relationship to return home. And you “respect” him for that. It’s all really messed up, my friend. The mental gymnastics that you are trying to do here must be exhausting for you. 

 

Edited February 16, 2023 by BaileyB

[Notagain123]

13 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Of course it is. But this is the typical reality for these type of relationships. This is the usual result of most extramarital affairs. 

If you don’t want to be discarded in this way, then don’t involve yourself as the “third person” in a relationship. It’s never going to end well for you. 

Don’t put yourself in the position to be discarded by allowing him back into your heart and mind again. 

 

Thanks for that. I need to see it in black and white for some reason although I know it’s all my own fault for not getting off this roller coaster long ago. Oh how I wish I could have rejected his advances all those years ago. But again I can go through that during therapy. 

[Notagain123]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

So this, is about you. Not him. 

Something to discuss in counselling. Why does your self worth, your validation, your own happiness depend on whether he apologizes when he leaves you to go back to his wife or not. 

It doesn’t actually change the way that he has disrespected you. It just allows you to feel a little better about yourself. It allows you to feel a little better about him - he’s feeling guilt, he doesn’t want to hurt his wife anymore so he is sacrificing our relationship to return home. And you “respect” him for that. It’s all really messed up, my friend. The mental gymnastics that you are trying to do here must be exhausting for you. 

 

Haha exhausting is an understatement. The last several days have been awful. Haven’t been functioning just enough to get by. It’s horrible. I have to remove him completely. I hope I can have the strength to do that. 

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

I hope I can have the strength to do that. 

I fixed that for you.

You begin to find the strength by calling a counsellor today to make an appointment. 

[Notagain123]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I fixed that for you.

You begin to find the strength by calling a counsellor today to make an appointment. 

😊😊 I will. I have a therapist. Was doing better so stopped. Clearly I have relapsed so I need help. I thought maybe hearing from people who have gone through it would be even more meaningful. Have you gone through this before? 

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, Notagain123 said:

Have you gone through this before? 

No, I have certainly been hurt in relationships and I’ve struggled to find my own self worth and happiness. But, I’ve never been involved in an affair. 

Truth be told, I’m just a woman who hates to see women accept less than they should from men. I hate to see women who have lost their way - they have given their self worth, their own agency, and their happiness away… I think your husband/children deserve more than this. I think you deserve more than this, but the only person who can require that for yourself is you. Good luck. 

[Notagain123]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

No, I have certainly been hurt in relationships and I’ve struggled to find my own self worth and happiness. But, I’ve never been involved in an affair. 

Truth be told, I’m just a woman who hates to see women accept less than they should from men. I hate to see women who have lost their way - they have given their self worth, their own agency, and their happiness away… I think your husband/children deserve more than this. I think you deserve more than this, but the only person who can require that for yourself is you. Good luck. 

Thanks again for the feedback! Hopefully I’ll find my way and can report back that I’m finally free. Here is to hoping! 

[S2B]

8 hours ago, Notagain123 said:

That’s a hard pill to swallow and of course I know this in my head. It’s my heart that I can’t convince. I’m also mad at myself since I had the opportunity to ignore him and I didn’t. I so easily responded which means I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was. 

Simply tell him if he contacts you again - you will send info to his wife.

that will keep him away so you have a chance to find an available man who respects you.

there is no hope of YOU don’t change things.

 

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, Notagain123 said:

 I hope I can have the strength to do that. 

The reason you’re saying this instead of just going full no-contact, blocking him, deleting him from all social media, and walking away if he tries to contact you in person is because somewhere inside you want to get back together with him. You’re feeling pain, and getting back together is the (temporary) pain killer.

Him ghosting you is exactly what you should want if you actually want to connect with your husband / family again. Never hearing from him again should feel like a godsend. But it doesn’t. Because you actually still wish you were together.

[Notagain123]

6 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

The reason you’re saying this instead of just going full no-contact, blocking him, deleting him from all social media, and walking away if he tries to contact you in person is because somewhere inside you want to get back together with him. You’re feeling pain, and getting back together is the (temporary) pain killer.

Him ghosting you is exactly what you should want if you actually want to connect with your husband / family again. Never hearing from him again should feel like a godsend. But it doesn’t. Because you actually still wish you were together.

You aren’t wrong: wish I could say I didn’t miss him terribly but I do. What exactly I miss I’m not sure bc it’s been so long and he’s been so horrible to me at times. We must be trauma bonded. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 2/15/2023 at 9:19 PM, Notagain123 said:

I don’t get why he would keep doing this to me over and over. It’s just plain mean. 

Not to sound insensitive, but you're also being plain mean to your husband if you have been cheating on him for the last 4 years. 

Unless I missed something, you are still married. Does your husband have any idea? 

[Notagain123]

42 minutes ago, S2B said:

Simply tell him if he contacts you again - you will send info to his wife.

that will keep him away so you have a chance to find an available man who respects you.

there is no hope of YOU don’t change things.

 

I don’t think I will make have to make threats. I wouldn’t do that anyway but I can block him. Absolutely can. 

[Notagain123]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Not to sound insensitive, but you're also being plain mean to your husband if you have been cheating on him for the last 4 years. 

Unless I missed something, you are still married. Does your husband have any idea? 

Yes still married. I don’t believe he has any idea and if he does he has never mentioned. We have a kind of don’t ask don’t tell policy in our relationship. Basically I found out some things about my husband which I guess I have used to justify my own behavior. But it’s still not right and you make total sense

[S2B]

Really? So why don’t you divorce your husband?

and what makes you justify swiping someone else’s husband? 
 

do you make enough money to support yourself?

[Lotsgoingon]

You miss because at this point your brain is adapted to, nearly addicted to, the pain and dysfunction and very occasional pleasure of the relationship. And even though you intellectually know that any pleasure will be followed by pain, you're adapted to this cycle. 

That's why i highly recommend counseling. The hardest part of breaking from this guy will be going the initial weeks of letting him go WHILE ALSO BUILDING A LIFE, and a real love life. Time with this guy is soap opera version of life. Always some problem, some complication, some hidden lie and yet "I love you John." 

This "missing him" is just like missing a bad food that you're used to eating frequently. Just means  you've eaten the food too long--means nothing about how much you really value the food. Make things easy and get to a counselor who will coach you through letting go and moving forward. 

[glows]

11 hours ago, Notagain123 said:

You aren’t wrong: wish I could say I didn’t miss him terribly but I do. What exactly I miss I’m not sure bc it’s been so long and he’s been so horrible to me at times. We must be trauma bonded. 

I’d look into this a bit deeper and question that. Question what it is you’re missing if what you miss feels terrible. Don’t assume it’s about trauma and say that it is - really question why it matters to you now and how you see it fitting in the bigger picture of your whole life stretched out in front of you. Your future depends on it, your peace of mind, mental and emotional health. And also the well-being of your 3 kids.

How does he (AP) or your husband for that matter fit in your life at all? Do you know or are you operating on outdated ideas that have long expired/no longer relevant to the current situation? Perhaps your H deceived you too or went behind your back once or several times. Are you going to keep living your life as one big reaction to what H did by having affairs and feeling bad about yourself? Or will you find a different way to live? 

Just some thoughts. It’s good you’re writing and getting a lot of this out. But it isn’t enough to live on a series of reactions. Be proactive and figure out a better way to process or live your life - one without perpetual sadness, fear or stress.