I am a woman being talked down to at work

[Lauren153]

This has been going on for a year at my job. I’m a woman on a 10 person-male IT team and I’m a project liaison on it.  At least 8 of the 12 members on the team have made a subtle remark to me that has been rude. Either comments like no one will ever trust you, since you’re not in IT, you ask questions like a child, or don’t ask questions if you’re not going to learn how to be technical, or not listening to something I say unless I say that my boss or another colleague asked. To if you screw it up, here’s how you can fix it. To a number of times of not responding to my question after having asked twice over message, even though he responded in other channels. To being in a meeting with me and another colleague and only mentioning that he  had a meeting with my colleague, to me bringing up an idea and the colleague then mentioning it in another chat and not giving me credit. To my boss turning down all my ideas 95% of the time (this one isn’t talking down to, but just makes me feel not heard.). 
 

I can’t address with the person directly, since it’s 8 different people. I think I should talk to my boss, but he doesn’t understand either and probably won’t want to upset the team. These are very subtle comments, but make me very angry. The problem is, the guys don’t know they’re doing it, which makes it unconscious. I should probably look for another job, we just know that takes awhile. Thoughts? I also want to make sure what I’m saying doesn’t sound crazy. 

[basil67]

I can only imagine your frustration at this.   I asked my husband's opinion as he's an IT techo and has worked in similar team size/gender disparity before.   His first question was of the culture you're working in.  He thinks that this may not be uncommon if you live in a patriarchal culture - or have many team members who are from a patriarchal culture.  Not that this is a justification for their behaviour!

Was your boss part of the team who hired you?  Or were you dropped into the situation by HR?  

Edited February 15, 2023 by basil67

[Lauren153]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

I can only imagine your frustration at this.   I asked my husband's opinion as he's an IT techo and has worked in similar team size/gender disparity before.   His first question was of the culture you're working in.  He thinks that this may not be uncommon in a patriarchal culture.

Was your boss part of the team who hired you?  Or were you dropped into the situation by HR?  

Thanks basil67. My boss hired me and made me the offer. He said he liked that I wasn’t technical. We had another woman on the team, but she quit for unknown reasons last year. My last company had a male CEO and the head of IT was male, but he was really nice to me and didn’t like the young men lol 😂 

[MsJayne]

I was the only female among sexist male colleagues for 17 years and know exactly what you're saying. Some of it's easy to flick off because it's laughable [ ] but when it comes to people taking credit for your work or your ideas, or dismissing your input, speak up. Interesting that the other female team member quit "for unknown reasons". Likely she'd had enough of the sexism and knew that if she complained she'd just be accused of having her period. Maybe you should be keeping a diary of the condescending treatment, just in case you need it one day. 

Edited February 16, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
group berating

[glows]

Have specific examples and the way your work was impacted. Otherwise it comes across as a series of subjective complaints. If a type of behaviour affected your ability to do your job then note it. These are opportunities for your boss to coach the others who report to him. 

You know this is how the team works. Try to learn the ropes asap and leave some growing pains as this is a newer role. It takes time to earn the respect of your colleagues. I agree some workplaces are incredibly sexist or lean towards a toxic work culture where new hires may not feel heard or alienated, even bullied or made to feel less than others or unappreciated.

Considering this isn’t a few weeks or 6 months into the job, I’d be concerned there isn’t enough of a team based culture of respect. And it’s hard to see things will change. I’d think about the possibility of leaving but also reflect on some of the issues. For ie, someone proactively giving you tips on how to fix something if something goes wrong shouldn’t be an insult but part of your training. Underhanded and pointed insults of course are unacceptable.

 

[JTSW]

Can you voice record these meetings so you have proof of how they treat you?