Third time the charm?

[Hopefullyjaded9]

Has anyone successfully reconciled with their spouse after a long term affair? Back in 2018, I discovered my husband had a multi-year affair with a MW. The OW’s husband found out and then told me. I knew we had relationship struggles for years but they didn’t feel abnormal and I  had no idea he was cheating on me as we both seemed pretty content. After the initial DDay, my husband denied and minimized the affair at first but eventually admitted to the relationship. He said he loved me and never wanted to leave the marriage. He went NC with the AP. We tried marriage counseling but only went a few times. Neither one of us did IC due to not believing in its merits at the time. Looking back, we were the total poster children for what I learned was “rug sweeping.” I told him this would be the one and only time I would ever forgive him for what he did to our family and that if he ever cheated again, it would be immediate divorce.
 

I never really got over the hurt and betrayal but on the surface everything seemed fairly good in the years since discovery. We enjoyed a nice life together. We love our children, our house, traveling, and get along fairly well day-to-day. Triggers would come up for me, and my husband would always say he was sorry about the affair and the hurt he caused. Life seemed back to normal in many ways but I think the PTSD of the affair just had me in denial. Looking back, I was still angry with him and a small part of me still hates and resents him for his recklessness. In the years since DD, I have asked him periodically if he ever spoke to the OW and he said there was no contact since the affair ended. I stupidly trusted him again and never went digging. He was very present at home, not traveling alone or with friends. In hindsight, his phone having a passcode on it and no longer sharing location were all red flags I know I should not have ignored. He was always able to rationalize things and convince me to believe him. 
 

Well almost 4 years after DDay1, he was just caught again with the same AP! His immediate response was the same as the first time. Denied the relationship and said there was not a PA. I told him it didn’t matter. He had one chance and he blew it. Eventually he did admit to the physical affair and even said he believed to love her at the time but it was just an escape and fantasy from his life’s traumas. Needless to say, here I am still with him months later. I have not kicked him out of the house and I find myself softening each day. He is the father of my children, a great provider, and I can’t imagine life without him. I have never seen him like this in our almost 20 year marriage. He is devastated over what he did. He couldnt sleep or eat (I couldn’t either). He is so ashamed of what he did and knows it was wrong. He is fully taking responsibility for all the hurt he has caused and giving me all the info I ask for. He is in IC and we are in MC. I am also in IC. He has ended the relationship with the AP and after 6 years, he is finally free from her and the affair fog is lifting. 
 

Am I crazy for giving him another chance? I feel like we never really reconciled the first time and just tried to pretend the affair didn’t happen versus really doing the work of changing and rebuilding our marriage. I know it will be a long hard road but the thought of not being with him is just too much to think about. Has anyone had success with a second reconciliation attempt (doing it correctly this time) or am I just a fool for even considering giving him a third chance? I am so hopeful yet terrified that another few years down the road, the other shoe will drop and it will have all been in vain. 

[glows]

I’m sorry you’re going through this yet again after the first discovery. I can’t claim to know what your husband is or isn’t, what he will or won’t do again but what we do know is that he has cheated for 6 years out of the 20 you were married together. That is 30% of your marriage or almost 1/3 of which you lived thinking it was according to your marriage vows and discovering it was not, and something else entirely. 

Do you have your own income and can you support yourself should things not work out? Are you any closer to understanding why he had the affair or what was going on with him or the marriage for these past years? 

[JTSW]

7 hours ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

He has ended the relationship with the AP and after 6 years, he is finally free from her and the affair fog is lifting. 

I'm sorry OP but I don't believe this for a second.

He obviously never ended the affair the first time around and its very likely he still hasn't.

7 hours ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

Am I crazy for giving him another chance?

Yes! He betrayed your trust twice.

What makes you think he will ever change?

This WILL keep happening because regardless of therapy, he's incapable of staying away from her. 

[Hopefullyjaded9]

What makes me believe it this time is now our children know about his infidelity and he knows that if he does it again he will lose them. That is his greatest fear. 

[Hopefullyjaded9]

10 hours ago, glows said:

I’m sorry you’re going through this yet again after the first discovery. I can’t claim to know what your husband is or isn’t, what he will or won’t do again but what we do know is that he has cheated for 6 years out of the 20 you were married together. That is 30% of your marriage or almost 1/3 of which you lived thinking it was according to your marriage vows and discovering it was not, and something else entirely. 

Do you have your own income and can you support yourself should things not work out? Are you any closer to understanding why he had the affair or what was going on with him or the marriage for these past years? 

Thank you. I do have some income but my husband is the main provider. I know if we divorce, he would financially take care of both me and our children. Btwn my earnings, alimony and child support I would be ok. 
 

My husband felt unconnected in our marriage and instead of trying to work on it, he looked elsewhere. He also has some unresolved trauma from his early life and is an avoidant person in general. He is very good at compartmentalization. His affair was a result of his personal issues more than our marital issue according to what his therapist told him. 

[JTSW]

42 minutes ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

What makes me believe it this time is now our children know about his infidelity and he knows that if he does it again he will lose them. That is his greatest fear. 

He won't change OP.

He will definitely be allot more careful about not getting found out this time, but he wont change.

He's just good at convincing you he has.

I'm sorry, but after the second time, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

[Hopefullyjaded9]

32 minutes ago, JTSW said:

He won't change OP.

He will definitely be allot more careful about not getting found out this time, but he wont change.

He's just good at convincing you he has.

I'm sorry, but after the second time, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

I don’t trust him at all. That will take years to return if it ever does but he is very determined to earn that back from me and for some reason it just feels different this time as compared to the first time. He has finally seen the consequences of his actions and is ready to change. There is still a lot of love there and good things in our relationship so I am trying to figure out if the risk of getting broken again is worth it. He is a good man who did terrible things to me and his children. I just don’t know what to do. I like our life.  I want our children to have an intact nuclear family. I am a very loving and open hearted person. To end the marriage would be on me and I just don’t think I am there right now. 

Edited February 16, 2023 by Hopefullyjaded9
Typo

[glows]

1 hour ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

Thank you. I do have some income but my husband is the main provider. I know if we divorce, he would financially take care of both me and our children. Btwn my earnings, alimony and child support I would be ok. 
 

My husband felt unconnected in our marriage and instead of trying to work on it, he looked elsewhere. He also has some unresolved trauma from his early life and is an avoidant person in general. He is very good at compartmentalization. His affair was a result of his personal issues more than our marital issue according to what his therapist told him. 

Now that you’re aware of what the issue is can you accept him for who he is? He may be able to do considerable work on himself but his ability to compartmentalize will likely always be there as a coping strategy. He has to work doubly and triply hard not to avoid issues or fail at communication with you. 

Are you open to communicating with him and listening even though it may be painful for you knowing he’s cheated for this many years? 
 

[S2B]

I could have written your story - but DD for me was at the ten year mark.

I also said I would divorce him without even a conversation if he did it again.

he did it again at the 20 year mark.

I divorced him without any conversation. 
you should too. He cheats because he wants to. 
 

there’s nothing you can do to make him not cheat…he’s a jerk.

I encourage you - get out without wasting 20 years with someone who completely disrespects you. He’s not worth the effort to get things right.

he cheats because he makes a decision to cheat. That has nothing to do with you -  it’s his character defect.

[JTSW]

18 hours ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

I don’t trust him at all. That will take years to return if it ever does but he is very determined to earn that back from me and for some reason it just feels different this time as compared to the first time.

I'm not buying it.

Men like this don't change, they just get better at hiding it.

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

 now our children know about his infidelity and he knows that if he does it again he will lose them. 

How old are the children? How did they find out about his affairs?

You're not ready, willing or able to divorce  right now, so all you can do is hope the therapy is effective. 

Either way try to protect your children from adult problems.  

Edited February 17, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Hopefullyjaded9]

7 hours ago, S2B said:

I could have written your story - but DD for me was at the ten year mark.

I also said I would divorce him without even a conversation if he did it again.

he did it again at the 20 year mark.

I divorced him without any conversation. 
you should too. He cheats because he wants to. 
 

there’s nothing you can do to make him not cheat…he’s a jerk.

I encourage you - get out without wasting 20 years with someone who completely disrespects you. He’s not worth the effort to get things right.

he cheats because he makes a decision to cheat. That has nothing to do with you -  it’s his character defect.

That is exactly what I am afraid of yet I am so uncertain that divorce is the right choice. I thought if it happened again I would be done with no questions asked but I don’t feel that way and don’t want to regret acting too quickly. 

I do think it is a character defect. Do you mind me asking if you and your husband got counseling between the 10 year and 20 year affair? Did he do anything in between to change himself? My husband did not but is now getting help which almost makes it more confusing. You do hear of successful reconciliation stories when they really want it. 

[Hopefullyjaded9]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

I'm not buying it.

Men like this don't change, they just get better at hiding it.

I think that is true a lot of the time but my IC and MC both make me believe people can when you want and need to like he does. Not getting too invested back in the relationship emotionally and letting him do the work and prove how bad he wants to save this marriage. He knows it is a gift and that it can be taken away at any time if he messes up. 

[Hopefullyjaded9]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old are the children? How did they find out about his affairs?

You're not ready, willing or able to divorce  right now, so all you can do is hope the therapy is effective. 

Either way try to protect your children from adult problems.  

Our girls are 13 and almost 16. They were home during DDay 2 and heard us. I made him tell them what he did. I protect him the first time by not telling almost anybody but this time I was not keeping his secret anymore. Now that his daughters know the kind of man he is, he is motivated to do better for them. I asked him what he would say to them if this was one of their husbands in the future and he just sobbed saying “I’m sorry” over and over again. There were no consequences for him last time and as a result he cheated again. He loves his daughters very much and does not want hurt them ever again. He promised them to change and keep our family together. He may not be doing it for me right now but he will do it for them. Once the fog is gone, he will see again what he was willing to give up for some whore. 

[JTSW]

14 minutes ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

letting him do the work and prove how bad he wants to save this marriage.

TWICE he clearly didn't care enough about the marriage and still went looking elsewhere.

I know you really want to believe that this time is different and that he is really trying now, but too much damage has been done IMO.

He seems to have an addicted to that woman and can't seem to stay away no matter how hard he tries.

I ca guarantee that he will end up back there.  

[Hopefullyjaded9]

11 minutes ago, JTSW said:

TWICE he clearly didn't care enough about the marriage and still went looking elsewhere.

I know you really want to believe that this time is different and that he is really trying now, but too much damage has been done IMO.

He seems to have an addicted to that woman and can't seem to stay away no matter how hard he tries.

I ca guarantee that he will end up back there.  

He told her he wasn’t leaving his marriage for her. He has been hooked into the fantasy and now he is back to reality.
 

His little mistress was just waiting it out thinking I would leave him if I found out again.  Worst case, I reconcile then divorce in a few years when the kids are older if the relationship isn’t working for me. In the meantime, our kids have both parents, their lives are not disrupted, I can add more years to marriage for alimony, and the OW slithers away knowing he dumped her and that it wasn’t true love like they always claim it to be. 

[JTSW]

25 minutes ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

the OW slithers away knowing he dumped her and that it wasn’t true love like they always claim it to be. 

The both claimed it was true love between them?

[Hopefullyjaded9]

24 minutes ago, JTSW said:

The both claimed it was true love between them?

He admitted he thought he loved her but realizes now it was just limerence.  I asked him if she also told him that she loved him and he admitted to that. 

[Will am I]

On 2/16/2023 at 3:18 AM, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

Am I crazy for giving him another chance?

I wouln't want to use the word "crazy". You love your husband and dissolving the marriage has major implications in all areas of your life.

It must be tempting to close your eyes to what happened and stay in the marriage. There's no "crazy" in that. The word is much more judgemental than you deserve.

 

My first response would be: no more second [third, fourth] chances.

I (MM) have been in an affair once. I made myself this promise. "once is a slip, twice is a pattern". If there is a pattern of infidelity, the marriage has lost its validity.

 

But then I read this sentence.

On 2/16/2023 at 3:18 AM, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

I feel like we never really reconciled the first time and just tried to pretend the affair didn’t happen versus really doing the work of changing and rebuilding our marriage

Here you are making a sensible point.

 

There are some tough questions though. Like:

1. why didn't your husband leave teh affair before they got caught?

2. why didn't you want to work on the marriage?

3. why didn't he?

4. why did he go back to his xOW years later?

 

There may be good answers to this. It's a slim chance but I'm too much of a romantic to rule it out beforehand.

[JTSW]

22 minutes ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

He admitted he thought he loved her but realizes now it was just limerence.  I asked him if she also told him that she loved him and he admitted to that. 

Wow, I didn't realise it went that deep with him and her.

I assumed it was just about sex, but damn.

I'm sorry OP, you are deluding yourself here.

For your sake I hope he never hurts you again because you don't deserve it, and he certainly don't deserve you. 

[stillafool]

On 2/16/2023 at 8:07 AM, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

What makes me believe it this time is now our children know about his infidelity and he knows that if he does it again he will lose them. That is his greatest fear. 

It's doubtful his girls are going to hate him forever and never see their father again even if he cheats again and you divorce him.  He also has legal rights to his kids until they turn 18 and then it's between them and their Dad how they conduct their relationship.  It's best not to try to turn the kids against their Dad just because you two have issues.  Regardless of what happens between you and him, they love each other and will need their father in their life.

 

 

 

[Hopefullyjaded9]

16 minutes ago, Will am I said:

I wouln't want to use the word "crazy". You love your husband and dissolving the marriage has major implications in all areas of your life.

It must be tempting to close your eyes to what happened and stay in the marriage. There's no "crazy" in that. The word is much more judgemental than you deserve.

 

My first response would be: no more second [third, fourth] chances.

I (MM) have been in an affair once. I made myself this promise. "once is a slip, twice is a pattern". If there is a pattern of infidelity, the marriage has lost its validity.

 

But then I read this sentence.

Here you are making a sensible point.

 

There are some tough questions though. Like:

1. why didn't your husband leave teh affair before they got caught?

2. why didn't you want to work on the marriage?

3. why didn't he?

4. why did he go back to his xOW years later?

 

There may be good answers to this. It's a slim chance but I'm too much of a romantic to rule it out beforehand.

From what he told me he was trying to leave the affair for quite some time but just couldn’t fully break it off. He is exploring that in IC. I also believe he didn’t because he liked having both and didn’t think he would be caught. 
 

I thought our marriage was not that bad in recent years. I guess I should have pushed more but like I said I was content. He didn’t work on it because he was having an affair. I don’t know if he went back to the OW or never really left after DDay1. Seems like they took a short break immediately after the fallout then resumed when the dust settled. I don’t know if I should look at this as 2 affairs or just 1 that never really ended. 
 

I am a romantic too and thinking with the right support this time, we may recover from this and worst case scenario we know we tried. 
 

 

[Hopefullyjaded9]

1 minute ago, JTSW said:

Wow, I didn't realise it went that deep with him and her.

I assumed it was just about sex, but damn.

I'm sorry OP, you are deluding yourself here.

For your sake I hope he never hurts you again because you don't deserve it, and he certainly don't deserve you. 

Unfortunately it was 6 years of constant contact and an emotional and physical relationship. It was a split self affair according to our MC. 

[Hopefullyjaded9]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It's doubtful his girls are going to hate him forever and never see their father again even if he cheats again and you divorce him.  He also has legal rights to his kids until they turn 18 and then it's between them and their Dad how they conduct their relationship.  It's best not to try to turn the kids against their Dad just because you two have issues.  Regardless of what happens between you and him, they love each other and will need their father in their life.

 

 

 

I am not turning them against him but I refuse to lie for him. I fully support their relationship with him. I however did not cheat and won’t deceive them to protect him. 

[JTSW]

8 minutes ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

Unfortunately it was 6 years of constant contact and an emotional and physical relationship.

That's a really long time, in which they would have formed a strong connection.

I think he's lying about it being limerence. 

It went on far too long for there not to be any actual love there.