Third time the charm?

[Lotsgoingon]

No, I don't think you're crazy to stay in the marriage--at least for now. 

Watch this clip: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZdMI9ZZE2A

 

 

[BPBP]

11 minutes ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

Thank you BPBP. This is the hardest thing ever. I think he did love her but that is not real love. He loved the idea of her. All the fun, sex, escape, etc. none of the bills, household responsibilities and real life things partners experience. He is realizing it was an illusion. You can’t really love someone you don’t have a real relationship with even if you think you do. You love the idea not the person. 

Love is love, if it helps you feel better that it was not real love then that's that.  I am sure years of affair had real parts to it as well including responsibilities your husband has towards your daughters to be not with her.  He will stay with you I am sure, but not because he did not love his OW.  He is staying for your daughters, for family but not you.  I know that's harsh but he would have left her before being found out if he truly wanted to be with you only. 

As far as your daughters are concerned, they are teenagers and volatile.  I have seen plenty of kids as adults go back to their fathers after saying they never would.  I think illusion is on your part.  I do realize ending a marriage is not easy, neither actually having to take care of yourself financially. 

[Hopefullyjaded9]

7 minutes ago, BPBP said:

Love is love, if it helps you feel better that it was not real love then that's that.  I am sure years of affair had real parts to it as well including responsibilities your husband has towards your daughters to be not with her.  He will stay with you I am sure, but not because he did not love his OW.  He is staying for your daughters, for family but not you.  I know that's harsh but he would have left her before being found out if he truly wanted to be with you only. 

As far as your daughters are concerned, they are teenagers and volatile.  I have seen plenty of kids as adults go back to their fathers after saying they never would.  I think illusion is on your part.  I do realize ending a marriage is not easy, neither actually having to take care of yourself financially. 

I asked him if he was staying just for the kids and he said he thought he was at first but through IC has realized that it is also staying for me. He claims he can’t stand how much he has hurt me and will spend the rest of his life trying to prove that. Could all be BS though which is why the option of divorce is always there if he doesn’t keep showing that to me. There is still love between us. Plenty of people leave their spouses all the time; he chose to stay. Even if he is staying for the children right now, if we continue MC and he continues IC, can’t a new marriage be built? Can staying for the “wrong” reasons ever become the right ones? Marriage isn’t just head over heels love feelings each day. We share a history and life together. Why is staying married to preserve that seen as not staying for me? I am part of that equation no? Sorry to sound argumentative but trying to figure it out in my own head. 

[Will am I]

I sense a strong desire to hang on to your past. But the choice of staying married should preferably depend on your outlook for the future, not on whatever residu from your shared past binds you together (which is anything from homes and mortgage loans to memories). See it as if it were a new choice. Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

 

Sharing from my perspective as a man who had an affair.

Affairs are hard to leave behind. Mine was short, and I was never comfortable being “that man” and I ended it before getting caught.

Still it’s a long struggle to recommit to the marriage: even if that was a conscious choice that I made upon ending the affair. There are all the factors that contributed to my heart straying before and into the affair. Amplified by the affair itself.

One thing that got amplified is that the abstract notion of seduction received a name and a face. I coincidentally saw a woman with the exact same hair as xOW today and my heart skipped. Doesn’t mean I would act on these inpulses, but the amplification is definitely there. It’s probably harder ro be the devoted husband now than it was before I met xOW.

Another thing that got amplified is the sense that there is more to life than the rut of a long marriage. Early on, when I just came to this forum and I was probably still in contact with xOW, I wrote “my world has been rocked and I don’t think it can be un-rocked”.

The mere thought that there was a woman who would do things to turn me on beyond measure, and the associated thought that there might be more like her, is a powerful poison when your goal is marital commitment. 

With the help of my own faith and determination, a couples counselor and my wife who has been very graceful and even somewhat open to the notion that we need change from both sides, I think our marriage is on the right track. But even now there are no guarantees. And on some days it is a very real struggle to stay committed.

 

What I encourage you to look for, far beyond any other thing, is internal motivation in your husband. He will need every ounce of that if he’s going to be a devoted husband. 

 

Edited February 17, 2023 by Will am I
typos

[BaileyB]

9 hours ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

In the meantime, our kids have both parents, their lives are not disrupted

I would say, don’t kid yourself. Their lives have been disrupted. Those are very formative years and they have learned a very ugly truth about their father. You may all sleep under the same roof still, but the family that they ‘thought’ they had does not exist anymore…

Not saying that you can’t recommit to the marriage, move forward, and have a nice family life together. I’m just saying, if D-day rocked your world - it did the same for your daughters. And they have even less life experience as they deal with this news than you do.

On 2/16/2023 at 7:07 AM, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

What makes me believe it this time is now our children know about his infidelity and he knows that if he does it again he will lose them. That is his greatest fear. 

This fear certainly didn’t stop him from engaging in an extramarital relationship and going back again after discovery. 

Teens and young adults tend to be very unforgiving of their parents when they behave irresponsibly and let the family down. I think daughters tend to hold their fathers to a high standard. I doubt that they will hate him forever but they will never forget what he has done. The trust has been broken. Like all relationships, their relationships will evolve  and change over time and they will process this reality in different ways and at different times in their lives. While things may be “ok” now, their trust issues come back when they get their first boyfriend. Or when they get married. Or have their own children.

How will your daughters feel about your decision to stay, I wonder? Will they understand that you chose to keep the comforts of your married life? Will they think that you sacrificed to keep their family intact? Will they understand that people and imperfect and admire the work that you are both trying to do to heal the marriage and be better people/partners? Or, do you think they will lose respect for you because you stayed after being so badly disrespected and betrayed? 

I don’t have the answer, I just wanted you to consider the situation from the perspective of your daughters and know that what you are teaching them now will affect their relationships and their lives for years and years to come…

I think you have already decided to stay, for all the reasons that you have shared in your posts. Is that the right decision, only time will tell. If you chose to stay, I would say get your finances in order and prepare yourself such that if/when you discover him again you will be prepared and it won’t knock you to the floor. That’s all you can do if you decide to stay - plan for the worst and hope for the best. 

Edited February 17, 2023 by BaileyB

[Hopefullyjaded9]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I would say, don’t kid yourself. Their lives have been disrupted. Those are very formative years and they have learned a very ugly truth about their father. You may all sleep under the same roof still, but the family that they ‘thought’ they had does not exist anymore…

very true 

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Not saying that you can’t recommit to the marriage, move forward, and have a nice family life together. I’m just saying, if D-day rocked your world - it did the same for your daughters. And they have even less life experience as they deal with this news than you do.

This fear certainly didn’t stop him from engaging in an extramarital relationship and going back again after discovery. 

Teens and young adults tend to be very unforgiving of their parents when they behave irresponsibly and let the family down. I think daughters tend to hold their fathers to a high standard. I doubt that they will hate him forever but they will never forget what he has done. The trust has been broken. Like all relationships, their relationships will evolve  and change over time and they will process this reality in different ways and at different times in their lives. While things may be “ok” now, their trust issues come back when they get their first boyfriend. Or when they get married. Or have their own children.

How will your daughters feel about your decision to stay, I wonder? Will they understand that you chose to keep the comforts of your married life? Will they think that you sacrificed to keep their family intact? Will they understand that people and imperfect and admire the work that you are both trying to do to heal the marriage and be better people/partners? Or, do you think they will lose respect for you because you stayed after being so badly disrespected and betrayed? 

I don’t have the answer, I just wanted you to consider the situation from the perspective of your daughters and know that what you are teaching them now will affect their relationships and their lives for years and years to come…

I think you have already decided to stay, for all the reasons that you have shared in your posts. Is that the right decision, only time will tell. If you chose to stay, I would say get your finances in order and prepare yourself such that if/when you discover him again you will be prepared and it won’t knock you to the floor. That’s all you can do if you decide to stay - plan for the worst and hope for the best. 

He children and other people know this time. Last time, almost nobody knew. I do think that does change the fear of another discovery again. It’s bad enough when people learn you are an cheater and a liar. He also doesn’t want to be the man who cheat, lied, and then abandoned his family. 
 

You bring up great points about how our daughters’ view of their father and I and our choices (cheating, staying, divorcing or not) are going to change throughout their life. I guess I won’t really know until they are older and the effects of all of this play out in their own adult lives. I will say that my younger daughter in particular has voiced she wants us to stay together but I think she believes it can go back to the way it was. My older daughter is not saying much either way and acts like she hates us all. 
 

Plan for the worst and hope for the best is definitely the route I am taking. I do really hope for the best though which makes it hard. 

[Hopefullyjaded9]

48 minutes ago, Will am I said:

I sense a strong desire to hang on to your past. But the choice of staying married should preferably depend on your outlook for the future, not on whatever residu from your shared past binds you together (which is anything from homes and mortgage loans to memories). See it as if it were a new choice. Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

 

Sharing from my perspective as a man who had an affair.

Affairs are hard to leave behind. Mine was short, and I was never comfortable being “that man” and I ended it before getting caught.

Still it’s a long struggle to recommit to the marriage: even if that was a conscious choice that I made upon ending the affair. There are all the factors that contributed to my heart straying before and into the affair. Amplified by the affair itself.

One thing that got amplified is that the abstract notion of seduction received a name and a face. I coincidentally saw a woman with the exact same hair as xOW today and my heart skipped. Doesn’t mean I would act on these inpulses, but the amplification is definitely there. It’s probably harder ro be the devoted husband now than it was before I met xOW.

Another thing that got amplified is the sense that there is more to life than the rut of a long marriage. Early on, when I just came to this forum and I was probably still in contact with xOW, I wrote “my world has been rocked and I don’t think it can be un-rocked”.

The mere thought that there was a woman who would do things to turn me on beyond measure, and the associated thought that there might be more like her, is a powerful poison when your goal is marital commitment. 

With the help of my own faith and determination, a couples counselor and my wife who has been very graceful and even somewhat open to the notion that we need change from both sides, I think our marriage is on the right track. But even now there are no guarantees. And on some days it is a very real struggle to stay committed.

 

What I encourage you to look for, far beyond any other thing, is internal motivation in your husband. He will need every ounce of that if he’s going to be a devoted husband. 

 

Thank you for responding. This is exactly the perspective I was seeking. A MM who stayed and never strayed again. What in you specifically do you think enabled you to do that? Was it pure will power, the seeking of an easier route, your children, falling out of love with the OW? 
 

We are currently in therapy. We are looking from both sides on what needs to be changed and he like you seems determined. I guess only time will tell if that is enough to un-rock his world so to speak and get back to what really matters to him (his words). 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

Plenty of people leave their spouses all the time; he chose to stay. We share a history and life together. Why is staying married to preserve that seen as not staying for me?

Most men chose not to leave though. The cost is too high - financially, divorce would set him back immensely. Retirement - who can afford to retire when you give half your assets to your spouse and you are paying alimony for years to come. Most men don’t want to start over again - they don’t want to have to establish an independent home, build new relationships, reestablish themselves financially. Then, there is the personal consequence of leaving a marriage after infidelity. Your children will be devastated - it will take years for them to accept his affair partner in their life, if they ever do. His relationship with his children will be forever changed. He will lose friends, his family will be disappointed,  his business will be the talk of your social circle. And then, for some, there are professional consequences.

As you are very aware yourself, there is a strong motivation to stay in the marriage lest you lose all the comforts of married life.  

So, it’s not an and/or situation - many MM want both their marriage and their affair partner. 
 

2 hours ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

Even if he is staying for the children right now, can staying for the “wrong” reasons ever become the right ones?

Is this really all that you want for yourself? is this really where you are prepared to set the bar? Of course marriage is not the head over heels infatuation that people feel in the early stages of a new relationship. But, most people have the expectation that their partner will love and respect them. And while he may in fact love you, he certainly has not treated you with the respect that you are entitled as his wife and the mother of his children. Which is why I ask again, what are you teaching your daughters about marriage? What are you teaching your daughter about what they should expect from their husband? What are you teaching them about self respect?

I understand that it’s hard to let go of the life that you shared together - there are a lot of memories, there is the home that you built together, the children that you raised together. But, the life that you thought that you had with this man has a dark cloud over it now - does it not make you question everything? He was involved with this other woman for 1/3 of your marriage. Did he call her to tell her when your children were born? Did he go to her for condolences when his parents died? Did he seek her comfort after he had a fight with you? Did they celebrate his success at work just as you did? Did she buy him birthday presents and Christmas presents? Did he buy her sexy lingerie to celebrate Valentine’s Day? Do you see what I’m saying - he had another relationship running concurrently with your marriage and that would make me doubt and question if the life that I thought we shared ever really existed! 

I’m glad that you are in counselling, there is a lot to work through here. 

Edited February 17, 2023 by BaileyB

[Will am I]

24 minutes ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

Thank you for responding. This is exactly the perspective I was seeking. A MM who stayed and never strayed again. What in you specifically do you think enabled you to do that? Was it pure will power, the seeking of an easier route, your children, falling out of love with the OW? 
 

We are currently in therapy. We are looking from both sides on what needs to be changed and he like you seems determined. I guess only time will tell if that is enough to un-rock his world so to speak and get back to what really matters to him (his words). 

This topic is a wonderful conversation, I’m happy to elaborate. But it’s almost midnight in my time zone, let me respond in the morning.

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

I can admit that their hurt is what is killing him more vs our marriage. In a way this makes me sad, but at the same time I realize that his love for them is unconditional and a different type of love than spousal love. If we divorce he can find a new partner. He will never be able to replace them. 

Not to diminish the love that he feels for his children, but this is also about ego. No man wants to lose the respect of his children. He feels their disappointment, their disapproval, and that hurts his ego. 

Edited February 17, 2023 by BaileyB

[BrinnM]

The Q is: Why does he stay? None of the reasons you’re listing are related to you, his wife. The reasons you’re listing are his ego, his relationship with his kids, your “history”, his family life, he doesn’t want to be disrespected by friends & extended family, it’s killing him that he hurt you, he doesn’t want to be “that cheater guy” etc. etc. I haven’t read anything about his true feelings for you, his romantic love for you, not even his respect for you. I don’t believe it for one second when you’re saying that this is “enough for now”, until he outgrows the affair. 

Let’s be honest – your husband has had a relationship with this other woman for six years. That’s a significant amount of time; they’ve grown together, emotionally and physically. And no, she’s not just the little mistress. It really sounds like he respected/loved/loves her, and not only that, the course of events, and the length of their relationship is the living proof of all that.

It doesn’t matter if you think it’s not “real love”, or that they have no bills to pay. Or a daily routine. Or a mundane life. He will always long for her. Why? Because the decision to “end it” wasn’t his. He would still be with her if he hadn’t gotten caught. And that’s where he’s stuck - that’s where he will be stuck forever. It will be an endless cycle of being in one place, and wanting to be elsewhere 100% of the time. 
(speaking from experience)

I am sorry you’re going through this, but your life has changed forever, and so has his. And I’m sorry you basically wasted a few years after the first D-day. I think back then you made it too easy for him. He didn’t have to do anything to win your trust back, and therefore he never really stopped spending time with her. They just grew closer together over the years, and now you’re in this situation where you and him both will never be 100% happy again. Even if you stay together, this will be eating away at you. 
Why aren’t you honest with yourself? Pull the plug and let him go. More importantly: Set yourself free, and be a good example for your daughters. They know what’s going on. Don’t lose their respect.
 

 

Edited February 17, 2023 by BrinnM

[Hopefullyjaded9]

34 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

The Q is: Why does he stay? None of the reasons you’re listing are related to you, his wife. The reasons you’re listing are his ego, his relationship with his kids, your “history”, his family life, he doesn’t want to be disrespected by friends & extended family, it’s killing him that he hurt you, he doesn’t want to be “that cheater guy” etc. etc. I haven’t read anything about his true feelings for you, his romantic love for you, not even his respect for you. I don’t believe it for one second when you’re saying that this is “enough for now”, until he outgrows the affair. 

Let’s be honest – your husband has had a relationship with this other woman for six years. That’s a significant amount of time; they’ve grown together, emotionally and physically. And no, she’s not just the little mistress. It really sounds like he respected/loved/loves her, and not only that, the course of events, and the length of their relationship is the living proof of all that.

It doesn’t matter if you think it’s not “real love”, or that they have no bills to pay. Or a daily routine. Or a mundane life. He will always long for her. Why? Because the decision to “end it” wasn’t his. He would still be with her if he hadn’t gotten caught. And that’s where he’s stuck - that’s where he will be stuck forever. It will be an endless cycle of being in one place, and wanting to be elsewhere 100% of the time. 
(speaking from experience)

I am sorry you’re going through this, but your life has changed forever, and so has his. And I’m sorry you basically wasted a few years after the first D-day. I think back then you made it too easy for him. He didn’t have to do anything to win your trust back, and therefore he never really stopped spending time with her. They just grew closer together over the years, and now you’re in this situation where you and him both will never be 100% happy again. Even if you stay together, this will be eating away at you. 
Why aren’t you honest with yourself? Pull the plug and let him go. More importantly: Set yourself free, and be a good example for your daughters. They know what’s going on. Don’t lose their respect.
 

 

I guess in some respect I am getting what I need as well for the moment. I do what I want. He does anything to please me. He is the main provider and has been very generous. Our physical intimacy is completely determined by my needs and wants. I no longer feel any wifely obligation and zero guilt for not meeting his needs there.
 

He got to be selfish for 6 years so maybe it is my time to be selfish and wait and see if the love returns. He got to make choices for years without my feelings being considered and without my knowledge, why can’t I do the same? I was loving and faithful. He was not. It is his job to prove to me this is what he wants. I love him but don’t need him. I can be ok in my own. In the end if we divorce later vs now, he will stop having to be a coward and actually say I want a divorce. I am not doing that for him because he is too weak to do it. I will only do it when I am ready which I don’t feel like I am. I like my life in general. And trusting him or not in some respects I don’t care anymore. What more can that man do to me? Longer I stay, the greater the chances of the OW moving on, I get more spousal support with more years of marriage, I get help with house and kids. My thinking is I would love him to change. Love us to get our happy ending after being through hell and back but I am no doormat. I am protecting myself and children and giving this the time it needs to play out. 

[BaileyB]

deleted. 

 

Edited February 18, 2023 by BaileyB

[Hopefullyjaded9]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

deleted. 

 

You didn’t have to delete that. I know that much of what you say is true. We lost respect and trust. He may very well do it again but why shouldn’t I and my girls benefit in the interim? He is bending over backwards to show good faith and seeking therapy for the first t tome in his life. He is improving himself even if to just become a better father and person. Either I wind up divorced now or in the future. It will still be divorced. I don’t know how much I believe true love anymore anyway. Seems like everyone I know has a s*** marriage in some capacity. My parents seem miserable. Most friends have dealt with infidelity, verbal abuse, being a deadbeat golf dad and so on. I love my husband on many levels and if it is not this with him it may be something else with some other a**h*** in the future. The devil you know is sometimes more appealing. 

Edited February 18, 2023 by Hopefullyjaded9

[BaileyB]

4 minutes ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

He may very well do it again but why shouldn’t I and my girl benefit in the interim?

Because this is not a healthy way to live. I’m sorry, but your last post was difficult to read. You seem intent on staying and both punishing him while selfishly taking exactly what you want from him and the marriage. That’s just not a healthy way to live - there would be no happiness to be found in that for me. 

Edited February 18, 2023 by BaileyB

[Will am I]

8 hours ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

Thank you for responding. This is exactly the perspective I was seeking. A MM who stayed and never strayed again. 

The affair was less than a year ago. So I don’t have a long track record to prove the “never again” part.

But I did commit myself to be monogamous for life. Or to get a divorce if I can’t get my heart straight. I’m not the biggest fan of that outcome but it’s better than a marriage which is constantly invalidated by infidelity.

8 hours ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

What in you specifically do you think enabled you to do that? Was it pure will power, the seeking of an easier route, your children, falling out of love with the OW? 

It’s will power, driven by morals. I was never at ease being “that kind of man”.

When you look at the situation objectively it was not a glamorous picture. MM in his 40s with OW half his age. It’s kind of embarrassing actually.

Infatuation tends to blur that ability to look at yourself with objectivity. But in the back of my head there was always that idea that it wasn’t quite right. That’s what prompted me to reach out and break myself free from the infatuation.

 

8 hours ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

We are currently in therapy. We are looking from both sides on what needs to be changed and he like you seems determined. I guess only time will tell if that is enough to un-rock his world so to speak and get back to what really matters to him (his words). 

Does he really want to? 

Affairs are much more exciting than marriages. He has to be willing to leave that excitement behind, permanently. Accept the fact that this level of infatuation and excitement probably won’t be coming back.

I find that a very real struggle. There are moments that it feels like burying a part of myself.

In better moments I try to find some of these lost emotions back in the marriage. 

[RebeccaR]

4 hours ago, Will am I said:

The affair was less than a year ago. So I don’t have a long track record to prove the “never again” part.

But I did commit myself to be monogamous for life. Or to get a divorce if I can’t get my heart straight. I’m not the biggest fan of that outcome but it’s better than a marriage which is constantly invalidated by infidelity.

It’s will power, driven by morals. I was never at ease being “that kind of man”.

When you look at the situation objectively it was not a glamorous picture. MM in his 40s with OW half his age. It’s kind of embarrassing actually.

Infatuation tends to blur that ability to look at yourself with objectivity. But in the back of my head there was always that idea that it wasn’t quite right. That’s what prompted me to reach out and break myself free from the infatuation.

 

Does he really want to? 

Affairs are much more exciting than marriages. He has to be willing to leave that excitement behind, permanently. Accept the fact that this level of infatuation and excitement probably won’t be coming back.

I find that a very real struggle. There are moments that it feels like burying a part of myself.

In better moments I try to find some of these lost emotions back in the marriage. 

I’m not sure your situation is relevant to OP’s. I may be mixing you up with another poster, but wasn’t your affair almost entirely virtual or online? Did you ever meet your AP in person? OP’s husband seems to have been in love with his OW for at least 6 years, despite him backtracking and telling his wife it was only limerence.

OP: staying in your marriage for the financial and social benefits won’t make you happy. You say you can divorce later, but waiting won’t make the decision easier. I assume you’re around age 40. You could live another 40 or 50 years. Just because your parents have a miserable marriage doesn’t mean you should. You are better off single and fulfilled rather than married to someone who has betrayed you so badly - or if you wish, remarried to someone who loves and respects you. I see no self-respect in anything you have written.

if you do decide to stay married, at least for the time being, negotiate with your husband that you get to establish a fulfilling career - go back to school on his dime, and time, if necessary. That way you will always be able to rely on yourself and never be subject to the whims of a man, cheating or otherwise.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

Longer I stay, the greater the chances of the OW moving on, I get more spousal support with more years of marriage, I get help with house and kids. 

A lot of people stay married for the reasons you've noted, despite being aware of chronic infidelities. Hopefully he'll continue with the main reasons you're staying married and be a better father/provider. However there's always the possibility they're still in love and waiting for a more opportune time to be together.

[Hopefullyjaded9]

12 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Because this is not a healthy way to live. I’m sorry, but your last post was difficult to read. You seem intent on staying and both punishing him while selfishly taking exactly what you want from him and the marriage. That’s just not a healthy way to live - there would be no happiness to be found in that for me. 

I am not trying to punish him but unless people feel the consequences of their actions they don’t change. I made it much too easy for him last time and I don’t want to make the same mistake again. If you look at my original post, I love this man and do want to stay married but I know the odds are not good so maybe that is what I am being very defensive and protective of myself and my children. He has so much to prove. He has to do the work of reconciling with me. The fact that I have not filed yet was already giving him a huge gift of another chance. The rest is up to him to show over time and consistency. My point was in the meantime I don’t feel like I am losing out. It has been 5 months. This is all very new. I know I don’t want to feel like this for another 6 years but as of now I want to see where it goes. 

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, RebeccaR said:

I’m not sure your situation is relevant to OP’s. I may be mixing you up with another poster, but wasn’t your affair almost entirely virtual or online?

The situation is very different indeed, mostly in that OP’s husband strayed much longer. And didn’t quit straying until he hot caught.

The main point in my commentary is that recommitting to marriage aften an affair takes a lot of determination and perseverance, that it’s potentially a much longer struggle than the affair itself.

My advice to OP (who seems to desire continuing the marriage at this point) is to “lean back” and let her husband show to her that he is motivated internally. Which goes far beyond getting caught and attempting to minimize the damage. From what I read in this topic the mental shift hasn’t happened yet. 

 

[Hopefullyjaded9]

6 hours ago, Will am I said:

The affair was less than a year ago. So I don’t have a long track record to prove the “never again” part.

But I did commit myself to be monogamous for life. Or to get a divorce if I can’t get my heart straight. I’m not the biggest fan of that outcome but it’s better than a marriage which is constantly invalidated by infidelity.

It’s will power, driven by morals. I was never at ease being “that kind of man”.

When you look at the situation objectively it was not a glamorous picture. MM in his 40s with OW half his age. It’s kind of embarrassing actually.

Infatuation tends to blur that ability to look at yourself with objectivity. But in the back of my head there was always that idea that it wasn’t quite right. That’s what prompted me to reach out and break myself free from the infatuation.

 

Does he really want to? 

Affairs are much more exciting than marriages. He has to be willing to leave that excitement behind, permanently. Accept the fact that this level of infatuation and excitement probably won’t be coming back.

I find that a very real struggle. There are moments that it feels like burying a part of myself.

In better moments I try to find some of these lost emotions back in the marriage. 

I think he does want to change. He has said he knows the affair was used as a coping mechanism and an escape for him. He was bored with life and it was new and exciting. He is working with his IC in healthier ways to get that excitement back into his life through hobbies, things in our relationship etc…After all of the havoc this second DDay has caused, he actually said he has a new found appreciate for the day to day. He doesn’t miss the stress of having to lie and maintain two relationships. He seems more relaxed overall. 

[Hopefullyjaded9]

7 minutes ago, Will am I said:

The situation is very different indeed, mostly in that OP’s husband strayed much longer. And didn’t quit straying until he hot caught.

The main point in my commentary is that recommitting to marriage aften an affair takes a lot of determination and perseverance, that it’s potentially a much longer struggle than the affair itself.

My advice to OP (who seems to desire continuing the marriage at this point) is to “lean back” and let her husband show to her that he is motivated internally. Which goes far beyond getting caught and attempting to minimize the damage. From what I read in this topic the mental shift hasn’t happened yet. 

 

The length of time is really what eats at me and that he saw my pain after the first DDay. He knew how devastated I was. That my self esteem took a hit and that I was always stressed he would do it again. He saw my tears and pain firsthand and yet did it again. From posts I read some people push down what would happen if they got caught and therefore don’t think about it so they can carry on the affair without guilt. My husband saw what I went through but it didn’t matter the second time. He was willing to put me through that again or just was stupid enough to think he wouldn’t be caught a second time. And yes he didn’t end the affair until after the fallout but he says that is because he just was still stuck in the affair fog and was addicted to her. Once he has been away from her for a few months he was able to see the relationship for what it was. 

[RebeccaR]

11 minutes ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said:

The length of time is really what eats at me and that he saw my pain after the first DDay. He knew how devastated I was. That my self esteem took a hit and that I was always stressed he would do it again. He saw my tears and pain firsthand and yet did it again. From posts I read some people push down what would happen if they got caught and therefore don’t think about it so they can carry on the affair without guilt. My husband saw what I went through but it didn’t matter the second time. He was willing to put me through that again or just was stupid enough to think he wouldn’t be caught a second time. And yes he didn’t end the affair until after the fallout but he says that is because he just was still stuck in the affair fog and was addicted to her. Once he has been away from her for a few months he was able to see the relationship for what it was. 

What he learned from the first time was that he wasn’t going to lose you. You say things are different this time due to therapy and exposure of the affair, and maybe that’s true, but he still has lost nothing. You told him no second chances, yet here you are giving him a second chance. Despite all the work he’s putting in (which is easy to fake btw), he could easily go back to this woman who clearly means a great deal to him. I’m sorry, but he can’t be trusted. And he doesn’t deserve your love and trust.

there are two excellent commenters on this board whose experiences are like yours. One remained married and one didn’t because their spouses behaved quite differently. Look for comments from starswillshine and heartwhole2 - they both write excellently about their experiences.

Edited February 18, 2023 by RebeccaR

[Hopefullyjaded9]

1 hour ago, RebeccaR said:

I’m not sure your situation is relevant to OP’s. I may be mixing you up with another poster, but wasn’t your affair almost entirely virtual or online? Did you ever meet your AP in person? OP’s husband seems to have been in love with his OW for at least 6 years, despite him backtracking and telling his wife it was only limerence.

OP: staying in your marriage for the financial and social benefits won’t make you happy. You say you can divorce later, but waiting won’t make the decision easier. I assume you’re around age 40. You could live another 40 or 50 years. Just because your parents have a miserable marriage doesn’t mean you should. You are better off single and fulfilled rather than married to someone who has betrayed you so badly - or if you wish, remarried to someone who loves and respects you. I see no self-respect in anything you have written.

if you do decide to stay married, at least for the time being, negotiate with your husband that you get to establish a fulfilling career - go back to school on his dime, and time, if necessary. That way you will always be able to rely on yourself and never be subject to the whims of a man, cheating or otherwise.

I am working in IC about building back up my self esteem and self respect. It has definitely take a hit. I was engaged in my early 20’s to a man who also cheated on me. We broke the engagement and never spoke again. It took me years to recover and then I met my husband. He knew cheating was a trauma for me and did it anyway. I think I believe at this point that all men cheat so why risk it again. He has already shown me who he is and I don’t have to figure that out in another 20 years with another man who dies the same.  have invested 20 years with this man and our lives are completely intertwined. He knows what he did was wrong and is working hard to change himself for our marriage and kids. 
 

I actually do have a career I enjoy and have the ability to work more should I need to. I haven’t because my husband works long hours so somebody always needed to be home with the kids for activities, school pickup etc. I have a college degree and would not need schooling so that is a non issue. My husband does quite well and whether we stay together or not, money would not be an issue for us. 

[Hopefullyjaded9]

3 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

What he learned from the first time was that he wasn’t going to lose you. You say things are different this time due to therapy and exposure of the affair, and maybe that’s true, but he still has lost nothing. You told him no second chances, yet here you are giving him a second chance. Despite all the work he’s putting in (which is easy to fake btw), he could easily go back to this woman who clearly means a great deal to him. I’m sorry, but he can’t be trusted. And he doesn’t deserve your love and trust.

there are two excellent commenters on this board whose experiences are like yours. One remained married and one didn’t because their spouses behaved quite differently. Look for comments from starswillshine and heartwhole2 - they both write excellently about their experiences.

Thank you for the suggestions. I will look for their posts.