S2B Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 (edited) 33 minutes ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said: He is not a repeat cheater. He cheated with the same woman two times. They just went underground the first time. And he always told her he wasn’t leaving the marriage. That’s two times the cheater. And actually worse because he made ANOTHER conscious decision to betray you, again. deny two times all you want. He was willing to risk his marriage again to see her…knowing full well he was hurting you, again. He decided seeing her was worth betraying you. Edited March 1, 2023 by S2B 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 15 minutes ago, S2B said: That’s two times the cheater. My understanding is that the guy had been cheating for 6 years when the 1st D-Day occurred back in 2018. Then he just covered his tracks better and has been carrying on with it for the ensuing 5 years, until this D-Day. So the affair-having couple has been pretty consistently together for over a decade. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopefullyjaded9 Posted March 1, 2023 Author Share Posted March 1, 2023 1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said: My understanding is that the guy had been cheating for 6 years when the 1st D-Day occurred back in 2018. Then he just covered his tracks better and has been carrying on with it for the ensuing 5 years, until this D-Day. So the affair-having couple has been pretty consistently together for over a decade. The affair started in 2016. They were found out the first time in 2018. Then he was caught again last year (2022). It has not been a decade. It was on and off for 6 years in total. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopefullyjaded9 Posted March 1, 2023 Author Share Posted March 1, 2023 1 hour ago, S2B said: That’s two times the cheater. And actually worse because he made ANOTHER conscious decision to betray you, again. deny two times all you want. He was willing to risk his marriage again to see her…knowing full well he was hurting you, again. He decided seeing her was worth betraying you. That is really what eats at me the most. He saw my devastation the first time it happened and yet he did it again. I am willing to take some responsibility because we did not do anything to fix or change our relationship after the first DDay. We just went back to business as usual so going back was easy. To reconcile long term, we are trying to do it differently this time by getting IC and MC. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 (edited) It seems you are placing so much merit/weight on these counseling sessions being a miraculous result. You can’t make him grow a conscience! Neither can a counselor. listen to what you have stated - you are literally giving him a third chance to treat you like crap! Begging him almost. i’m just really worried you’ve sacrificed all of what’s good in you to stay with him. and honestly, you deserve so much better. And he doesn’t deserve you. What exactly has he learned so far about himself and why he did this to you? What does he plan to do to set this right. What will he change about his moral compass that’s broken? How does he plan to get there? Some cheaters just can’t do it! Not cheating again isn’t nearly enough at this stage. you seem way too willing to minimize FOR him. Who cares if it was the same woman (that makes it worse actually!) he loved her enough to betray you AGAIN! he likely misses her right now - those feelings don’t just shut off overnight. Stop making ANY effort to repair the damage HE caused! That way you will be more capable of seeing IF he’s actually doing the 200% effort it’s going to take to repair that damage HE caused to your marriage! marriage counseling? No way! Yes - individual FOR a you - you’ll need that! But let HIM do the other part and see if he can truly become a changed man. and for the record - people don’t change because they want to - they change because they are uncomfortable or NEED to change. you’ve made him way too comfortable. He’s had no reason to change because he doesn’t believe you will leave him. Start making him uncomfortable! begin being more Independent. Allow him to cater to you. He can clean and cook and do his laundry. Heck, have him do yours too. take a few weekend trips on your own away - maybe one a month for a while. Have him followed while you’re gone. If you go alone leave him to care for the kids. start approaching this “as though” he will cheat again - because he likely will. Mainly because he’s been able to go back to his bad behavior before - I’d bet money he will again - as soon as you aren’t able to pay attention so much. He is waiting until the dust settles to see her again. It’s obvious she will wait years - they probably talked about the plan in case you found out - most do. Especially since HE told her he wouldn’t leave you. he assumed you wouldn’t leave him - notice that? Yep, they have a plan in place. how did you find out both times? Edited March 1, 2023 by S2B 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 5 hours ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said: It was on and off for 6 years in total. I don't think it was ever off. He just got better at hiding it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 8 hours ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said: He saw my devastation the first time it happened and yet he did it again. This is exactly why I think your marriage is not safe and you should be preparing the backup plan. Despite your devotion and the work you and your husband are putting into it. There are two risks. One is that your husband relapses into the affair. (I am using a word from addiction recovery, because affairs have strong similarities with addiction) The other is that once the dust settles, your stress level comes down, your abilities for reflection come up, and you decide that you don't like this man anymore and won't be happy by his side. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 (edited) 20 minutes ago, Will am I said: The other is that once the dust settles, your stress level comes down, your abilities for reflection come up, and you decide that you don't like this man anymore and won't be happy by his side. It doesn't sound like she's happy by his side now. I don't understand how you can choose to be with someone that you don't respect nor like very much. Numbness is a way we protect ourselves. The hurt is so deep. What do you feel when you look at him? When you are having a rough go this morning, your intrusive thoughts came back again. Choices he made, things he did. You just don’t feel you can get past it. To me I would feel like I’m fooling myself with the relationship. I’m stability. I’m comfort. I’m being used again. Edited March 1, 2023 by Alpacalia 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said: People are missing that despite the trauma and pain of the situation, we get along well as a couple and have a great family life. I wouldn’t call myself unhappy with major unmet needs. Well. You and your husband aren't really that different. His addiction to an on-again, off-again affair, and the resulting rejection you experienced due to his infidelity can cause significant changes in the brain pathways that are similar to the withdrawal experienced in substance use disorder. You're right though. There are countless examples of couples who have been able to overcome significant trust issues, both individually and together. This demonstrates that it is possible for you to heal and move forward as well. I know it was for me. I can see how the challenges I faced were part of a larger, mysterious divine plan that I may not have chosen for myself. The aim for you and your relationship should be to heal completely, without any lasting emotional scars or impediments. It is inevitable that your children will react and fosters the potential to become a legacy that is passed down from one generation to the next. Edited March 1, 2023 by Alpacalia 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 1 hour ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said: People are missing that despite the trauma and pain of the situation, we get along well as a couple and have a great family life. I wouldn’t call myself unhappy with major unmet needs. Your husband has a major unmet need, though. Sex is apparently very important to him. If he says he has no unmet needs, he is lying to you and/or himself. Again, ignoring this is just another form of rug sweeping. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 OP, I know you are tracking his phone, but can you be sure he doesn’t have another phone? There are just so many ways he can evade your monitoring. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 Here is the thing that will trip you up and short change YOU. you have given him way TOO much of your power. All of your future is dependent on what HE does or doesn’t do! you need to take back your power. Lay it out for him. HE should be working on the marriage. You always say “we” - there is no WE at this point - HE ruined that and has to earn that back. stop thinking this is a we situation - it’s only on HIM to do what’s necessary to repair himself - and then the marriage. Even IF he does everything right - that could take 5 years to get back to a place where things “may be” good. I think you have been delusional and thinking this is yours to fix. Stop taking responsibility for HIS terrible behavior!!! read codependent no more. You seem way too co dependent on him. Your fantasy land ideas about him changing are not going to help this marriage get “better”. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hopefullyjaded9 Posted March 1, 2023 Author Share Posted March 1, 2023 2 hours ago, S2B said: Here is the thing that will trip you up and short change YOU. you have given him way TOO much of your power. All of your future is dependent on what HE does or doesn’t do! you need to take back your power. Lay it out for him. HE should be working on the marriage. You always say “we” - there is no WE at this point - HE ruined that and has to earn that back. stop thinking this is a we situation - it’s only on HIM to do what’s necessary to repair himself - and then the marriage. Even IF he does everything right - that could take 5 years to get back to a place where things “may be” good. I think you have been delusional and thinking this is yours to fix. Stop taking responsibility for HIS terrible behavior!!! read codependent no more. You seem way too co dependent on him. Your fantasy land ideas about him changing are not going to help this marriage get “better”. You are saying a lot of the same things my IC has said. I take on too much responsibility for his choices and actions. Plus I am trying to be part of a solution to problems that are his to fix. Thank you for the book suggestion. Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 4 minutes ago, Hopefullyjaded9 said: You are saying a lot of the same things my IC has said. I take on too much responsibility for his choices and actions. Plus I am trying to be part of a solution to problems that are his to fix. Thank you for the book suggestion. I think many of us tend to want to micromanage and control events that we can’t control. It’s not healthy for us and it’s not healthy for those around us. Link to post Share on other sites
Lisa Posted March 1, 2023 Senior Moderators Share Posted March 1, 2023 (edited) Thread has been closed. OP has made her decision and is comfortable with it, meanwhile the thread is getting derailed with side conversations and speculation from all sides on legal matters. Edited March 1, 2023 by Lisa Link to post Share on other sites
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