Breakup after 9 years

[dj91]

Hi all

 

Apologies this is going to be quite long winded.

I'm struggling quite a lot at the moment. I've recently broken up with my partner of 9 years M(36). I'm M(31), we'd has a wonderful time, we travelled, lived together for over 5 years and I envisaged a future together, marriage, owning a home and pets etc.

However, I feel I became complacent ultimately leading to the breakup. He was everything, he did so much for me and my family, he helped me through a period of me suffering extreme anxiety and I feel I may have drained him. We broke up end of Oct '22 but lived together up until Christmas eve, which was incredibly hard as it still kind of felt like we were still together. 

Since them, we've had brief contact, have met a couple of times, more as friends which I've found very hard but last night he stated that we have broken up and "we won't be getting back together this year". He states this year which gives me the tiniest glimmer of hope we aren't completely over. I'm struggling a lot because he was my everything, we were best friends doing everything together and loved each others company. The breakup has also been amicable throughout and I love him so much.

However, I realise I have a lot of personal growth that I want to achieve for myself. I've always struggled being a strong independent person, but I want that to change. I want to feel happy, comfortable and confident in myself and I don't want to rely on anyone. I just wish I could experience this growth that I need and reconcile with him later, but don't know if that's foolish of me. 

I also know thst he has a connection with a guy he worked with and he has and is exploring that. He's been honest about it, and I do question the longevity of that as they don't match on a variety of reasons. 

Sorry for the message I just feel really lost as I'm struggling to let go, but know I need to work on myself but fear losing him completely.

Thanks for reading.

 

D.

 

 

 

 

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, dj91 said:

I just feel really lost as I'm struggling to let go, but know I need to work on myself but fear losing him completely.

Whose decision was it? You said, "I've recently broken up with my partner," but then go on talking like you didn't want the breakup and like it's his decision to not get back together this year. And the closest you've come to giving a reason is a. you may have drained him, b. he's got someone else (at work), c. you need to work on yourself. Don't be ambiguous –– get to the gist of it. What is the question?

[dj91]

59 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Whose decision was it? You said, "I've recently broken up with my partner," but then go on talking like you didn't want the breakup and like it's his decision to not get back together this year. And the closest you've come to giving a reason is a. you may have drained him, b. he's got someone else (at work), c. you need to work on yourself. Don't be ambiguous –– get to the gist of it. What is the question?

58 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Sorry, I appreciate I was vague in my explanation/ question. So firstly, he was the one who ended the breakup.

So I feel I drained him through anxiety and complacency, ultimately leading to the breakup. He also suggested back in October 21 trying an open relationship to experiment something different and I guess as we'd been together a long time, to experience other people. This led him to developing a sort of friends with benefits and further connection with his work colleague.

I guess my question is, am I silly for holding onto a glimmer of hope of him mentioning we won't be getting back together "this year"? I know I need to work on myself but I just can't imagine my life without him. I've had so much time to reflect and think about the wrong of our relationship so that it doesn't happen again.

I was young, naive and emotionally immature when we got together and have grown a lot since.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[glows]

I don’t think it’s silly to hope but it is unrealistic. This man (your ex) basically wanted you to be a different person, asked to have sex and start seeing other people, broke up with you, ended your home life and still has you on the hook with comments like this which have you wondering if you’ll get back together not “this year” but the next or another year. 

How would you trust someone like that not to do the same thing to you again? Your self-esteem seems broken and very low at this point and I am very sorry this has happened. 

He may not be a terrible person but you’re both not compatible. Also, how did you rely on him to the point of draining him? Are you medicated or receiving treatment for your extreme anxiety? What triggers your anxiety? Are you working with a therapist as well? Are you staying with family or friends? Where are you living now? Are you employed or have any income? How do you support yourself? Was he supporting you?

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, dj91 said:

I guess my question is, am I silly for holding onto a glimmer of hope of him mentioning we won't be getting back together "this year"?

Yes, he's either trying to let you down easy or just keep you on the string with such comments. You need to accept that it's over, grieve, heal, and hopefully be ready for a new relationship with someone who is reliable and respects your investment. I'm sorry, I know it's not easy. Time heals, but only if you let go so you can be free and clear.

[dj91]

3 hours ago, glows said:

I don’t think it’s silly to hope but it is unrealistic. This man (your ex) basically wanted you to be a different person, asked to have sex and start seeing other people, broke up with you, ended your home life and still has you on the hook with comments like this which have you wondering if you’ll get back together not “this year” but the next or another year. 

How would you trust someone like that not to do the same thing to you again? Your self-esteem seems broken and very low at this point and I am very sorry this has happened. 

He may not be a terrible person but you’re both not compatible. Also, how did you rely on him to the point of draining him? Are you medicated or receiving treatment for your extreme anxiety? What triggers your anxiety? Are you working with a therapist as well? Are you staying with family or friends? Where are you living now? Are you employed or have any income? How do you support yourself? Was he supporting you?

Thank you for your reply. I just find it hard to imagine life without him. We used to say how much we loved each other, we were each other's soulmates. We had so much planned for our future, it's really hard to let go of that prospect. He isn't a bad person at all, I was incredibly lucky, and I hate that I feel I've messed up and let a good one go. 

My self-esteem is very low, it always has been along with my self-confidence. I also need to gain some newfound independence for myself, I don't want to have someone I rely on. A part of me hopes that if I can work and change these things, he may see the change and want me back in the future, who knows? 

I just feel he did so much, maybe too much for me that it made him feel could the grass be greener. The anxiety I was suffering has essentially vanished, I used to be medicated but no longer need it, and haven't done for a number of months, surprisingly I thought I'd feel the need to go back on it, but I want to try and get through this without medication. I'm living with my parents now and I am working. I guess I'm just really struggling to accept and let go, but I can't help to feel with his statement of "this year" that there is still a very small chance.

[dj91]

3 hours ago, salparadise said:

Yes, he's either trying to let you down easy or just keep you on the string with such comments. You need to accept that it's over, grieve, heal, and hopefully be ready for a new relationship with someone who is reliable and respects your investment. I'm sorry, I know it's not easy. Time heals, but only if you let go so you can be free and clear.

Thank you for your reply. I guess I'm just really struggling to accept and let go. I think I thought I'd be feeling a bit better by now, but maybe as it was 9 years of being together it will take a long time. 

[glows]

9 minutes ago, dj91 said:

Thank you for your reply. I just find it hard to imagine life without him. We used to say how much we loved each other, we were each other's soulmates. We had so much planned for our future, it's really hard to let go of that prospect. He isn't a bad person at all, I was incredibly lucky, and I hate that I feel I've messed up and let a good one go. 

My self-esteem is very low, it always has been along with my self-confidence. I also need to gain some newfound independence for myself, I don't want to have someone I rely on. A part of me hopes that if I can work and change these things, he may see the change and want me back in the future, who knows? 

I just feel he did so much, maybe too much for me that it made him feel could the grass be greener. The anxiety I was suffering has essentially vanished, I used to be medicated but no longer need it, and haven't done for a number of months, surprisingly I thought I'd feel the need to go back on it, but I want to try and get through this without medication. I'm living with my parents now and I am working. I guess I'm just really struggling to accept and let go, but I can't help to feel with his statement of "this year" that there is still a very small chance.

I agree. As it’s been almost a decade it can take longer to accept that it’s over. Accepting a break up is also one thing. Starting to feel more like yourself is something else. You’ve only just separated a few weeks ago after living together for 5 years. My opinion is that if he truly saw any future with you he wouldn’t have ended it. 

A note as well about open relationships. I think his approach was cruel and unkind towards you and you accepted it as part of the relationship because it was what he wanted but I don’t sense that it was something you were interested in. Did you actively go out on dates or seek others? He is now monkeybranching, a term used when a person rebounds or jumps from one relationship to another or already has another lined up before finalizing a break up.

The dialogue and wording he uses when talking with you plays on your mind because you still feel the door is a little ajar. This is entirely the kind of person he is and while not horrible, I think it’s also manipulative. 

You may not want to see that and think that I’m being too harsh. Let the dust settle and keep focused on your job and get back on your feet as much as possible. Do your parents support you, same sex and all? Do you have a decent relationship with your family or close friends you can call up and do things with? If not that’s ok. Look at local events and activities and don’t be afraid to join in. Some of the best things I ever did after my divorce was jumping into trying new things and meeting new people even if I wasn’t 100% ok. It jumpstarted the healing process for me and widened my world especially coming out of a long term relationship. 

[dj91]

32 minutes ago, glows said:

I agree. As it’s been almost a decade it can take longer to accept that it’s over. Accepting a break up is also one thing. Starting to feel more like yourself is something else. You’ve only just separated a few weeks ago after living together for 5 years. My opinion is that if he truly saw any future with you he wouldn’t have ended it. 

A note as well about open relationships. I think his approach was cruel and unkind towards you and you accepted it as part of the relationship because it was what he wanted but I don’t sense that it was something you were interested in. Did you actively go out on dates or seek others? He is now monkeybranching, a term used when a person rebounds or jumps from one relationship to another or already has another lined up before finalizing a break up.

The dialogue and wording he uses when talking with you plays on your mind because you still feel the door is a little ajar. This is entirely the kind of person he is and while not horrible, I think it’s also manipulative. 

You may not want to see that and think that I’m being too harsh. Let the dust settle and keep focused on your job and get back on your feet as much as possible. Do your parents support you, same sex and all? Do you have a decent relationship with your family or close friends you can call up and do things with? If not that’s ok. Look at local events and activities and don’t be afraid to join in. Some of the best things I ever did after my divorce was jumping into trying new things and meeting new people even if I wasn’t 100% ok. It jumpstarted the healing process for me and widened my world especially coming out of a long term relationship. 

Yeah, it's incredibly hard at the moment. I feel like a shell of my former self and am finding it hard at work, as much as try not to let it affect me too much, until I can get home and release the emotion. He has also mentioned a couple of times, there may always be a possibility in time we could reconnect, but again, as much as I'd love to believe that is true, I shouldn't hold out. 

I was kind of open to trying the open relationship thing, however, I didn't meet anyone but I know he did a couple times. I think I did it for his benefit in the hope it would strengthen, rather than damage our relationship, how wrong I was! Instead in hindsight, I wish I put the time into our relationship and focused on "us". 

His intentions were never to hurt me. He is a good person and has said multiple times that he hates the thought of hurting me, a lot of friends have suggested he is having a bit of a crisis due to him being a bit older, he also hates his job and his current home life and I do think this other guy may be a sort of rebound; whether or not they get into a relationship. 

My parents are incredibly supportive of me and I have a great support network of friends around me, I am incredibly lucky and thankful for them all. I would love to do more though, as in meeting new people and gaining a bit more self-confidence and better at social situations. Thanks so much again for your replies.

[Els]

Hey, sorry to hear about that. I think everyone would find it incredibly difficult to navigate a breakup after 9 years, so it's totally normal and even healthy IMO to feel grief at this stage. It sounds like both of you were just incompatible, if he wanted an open relationship but you are monogamous.

It's great that you have a support network around you. Lean on them, breathe, heal. Some days it will feel like 1 step forward and 2 steps backwards, but you'll eventually get there I promise.

[glows]

I think over time you’ll have to make a decision whether keeping in contact is affecting your mental health and anxiety. Or, having a negative impact on your concentration at work or healing and moving forward. 

We often don’t close doors because any of us particularly want to. It’s because we have to in order to grow and explore better ways to live. He opted to leave, open relationship or not. He could have multiple people in his life and he opted to end this. I’d really let that sink in for awhile.

Keep building your confidence and working on your self-esteem. We cannot expect our partners to fill in those gaps. 

I used to have a good cry at mid-day if I was working. Just let it all out even if it’s going to a bathroom stall and ugly crying over a public toilet. Splash water on your face and go back to work. I’m not sure if you’re able to take time off. Sometimes working is much easier than taking a vacation when you’re in a lot of pain. 

[JTSW]

He clearly wasn't happy in the relationship anymore.

It also sounds like he has already moved on with someone else.

I'm sorry OP but the chances of getting back together are pretty much none.

Consider seeing a therapist to help you through your anxiety issues.

Focus on you and get yourself into a better place.