I feel terrible

[blackpajamas]

I started hanging out with a girl I work with (for another 14 weeks) about a year ago. At first, it was just friendly and a couple hangs later it was talking every day and hanging out every weekend. We ended up being intimate. She's recently divorced and has two young children. There were periods in her life where things would get busy and we wouldn't be able to see each other as much. Fast forward to now, and we have fallen out of whatever we were in. We still talked every day up until yesterday. I asked her if she ever saw us getting serious and got the "we're friends" explanation. We had not hung out for about a month.

It hit me like a gut punch because I always thought we would be more than friends, because we had been even though without labels. She said I gave mixed signals and wasn't very communicable. These are probably true, but when I said I was willing to straighten my signals out and commit to something, she said it wouldn't work. She said all the typical things during a rejection speech, likes spending time with me etc. I've been down the dating road enough to know I have to feel bad to get over her. I'm still in the stage of denial that we could get back together. All I want to do is talk to her and I know I shouldn't.

[glows]

I wouldn’t rule it out completely but she does seem uninterested. The issue is you putting your life on hold or seemingly so.

Why do you talk to her everyday? Is it for work or when off work as well? She may be dating and seeing others or just uninterested overall in relationships being newly divorced.

She did cite reasons for not being attracted so best to be respectful and keep your distance. Stay professional at work and cool off any flirting or long chats on the phone.

 

 

[blackpajamas]

I talked to her everyday because I enjoyed it, it was mostly through text. I don't have to interact with her face-to-face at work so I'll be able to stay away. It's just rough right now. I know not to go back and talk to her and bother her. It's just a huge change for me this year. Everything reminds me of her, even though she isn't interested.

[glows]

Let’s back this up a little and take some time to reflect.. here “It hit me like a gut punch because I always thought we would be more than friends, because we had been even though without labels. She said I gave mixed signals and wasn't very communicable. These are probably true,..”

That you both didn’t have “labels” - was this something you didn’t want at the time? You held back. Why was that? Is it because she was still married at the time? 

[blackpajamas]

She was still married, technically separated for several months, and going through the legal process. I was hesitant to push for labels because of that and the fact we worked together. I just sort of let it play naturally without ever having those conversations.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, blackpajamas said:

She was still married, technically separated for several months, and going through the legal process.

Sorry this happened. Although you're hurting now, in time you may see that you dodged a bullet. She simply has too much going on for a relationship.

[blackpajamas]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Although you're hurting now, in time you may see that you dodged a bullet. She simply has too much going on for a relationship.

Thank you. I vented to some of my close friends and family. I feel a little better. I realize this is a good time to work on myself and focus on being a better person.

[JTSW]

I'm sorry OP but you have just been a source of comfort to her during her rough time.

She is not interested in anything serious with you so I don't think you should hold out hope.

You need to learn to accept it.

[blackpajamas]

She said still wants to be friends. I told her I needed time to process and think about it on Friday. After the weekend and going to work today, it's clear to me that being friends isn't going to work. Should I tell her we can't be friends because of how I feel?

[JTSW]

15 hours ago, blackpajamas said:

Should I tell her we can't be friends because of how I feel?

If friendship is all she wants and that's too hard for you then be honest with her.

Then go your separate ways.

[blackpajamas]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

If friendship is all she wants and that's too hard for you then be honest with her.

Then go your separate ways.

Part of me doesn't want to talk to her in the state I'm still in. I originally told her I needed time to process and I don't want to set my recovery back from talking to her. Some parts of the day I feel really good and hopeful about the future and other times I feel awful. I just don't think I'm in the right state of mind to make any decisions about it or sound normal. Does that make sense? I feel weak.

[JTSW]

13 minutes ago, blackpajamas said:

Part of me doesn't want to talk to her in the state I'm still in. I originally told her I needed time to process and I don't want to set my recovery back from talking to her. Some parts of the day I feel really good and hopeful about the future and other times I feel awful. I just don't think I'm in the right state of mind to make any decisions about it or sound normal. Does that make sense? I feel weak.

It does make sense.

Take a break from it all for a while and get your head together.