Dumper ex wants to meet for closure

[Lifegoeson12]

My ex texted me asking if I’d meet him for closure. He said he has been feeling bad for how he broke up with me, he said he didn’t want to get back together (I never implied i did) but wanted to meet for closure. 
 

he sent the message to me I saw it but didn’t reply to which he sent another message saying it’s probably best we don’t meet. I don’t understand why ask and then say he didn’t want to meet.the same as as asking for closure he done the dumping so I’m sure he got his closure deciding to break up. He texted me a few weeks after the break up asking if I’d meet him but I said no as I wasn’t ready to. 
 

now4 months later he’s asking for it again and then saying he doesn’t want to meet. What are people’s thoughts on this? Is it just an excuse to meet? Closure talks usually never work I, would only ask for closure if I was still interested in someone and wanted to try win th back and see them again 

[Lifegoeson12]

He also said he thinks of me everyday and that it’s been killing him leaving things how we did. But it ended badly because he said hurtful stuff so I stopped speaking to him. I feel like he’s sending mixed messages by saying he thinks of me everyday since the break up and then saying we’re not getting back together. I wouldn’t have had an issue meeting him until he said that. I feel like he thinks I’m sitting around waiting for him when I’m not 

[Kassieee]

44 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

He also said he thinks of me everyday and that it’s been killing him leaving things how we did. But it ended badly because he said hurtful stuff so I stopped speaking to him. I feel like he’s sending mixed messages by saying he thinks of me everyday since the break up and then saying we’re not getting back together. I wouldn’t have had an issue meeting him until he said that. I feel like he thinks I’m sitting around waiting for him when I’m not 

Yep. 

He's sending you mixed messages. Still checking to see if you'll be there whenever he texts. Dont give him the satisfaction.

Go no contact. 

[Lifegoeson12]

5 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

Yep. 

He's sending you mixed messages. Still checking to see if you'll be there whenever he texts. Dont give him the satisfaction.

Go no contact. 

I think so too. But why start sending mixed messages 4 months later. Then ask to meet and then becuase I didn’t reply straight away say it’s probably better we don’t meet. Along with saying sorry for such a long message 

[Kassieee]

Just now, Lifegoeson12 said:

I think so too. But why start sending mixed messages 4 months later. Then ask to meet and then becuase I didn’t reply straight away say it’s probably better we don’t meet. Along with saying sorry for such a long message 

Maybe he felt lonely in that moment then realized it wasn't a good idea.

[Lifegoeson12]

His first message 

 

Hey , I really really hope things are going well for you, you deserve the world and more. I'm I'm so sorry we didn't work out, you might think the worst of me, but I think of you every single day, we were just too different. I wish you gave me the chance to explain. But what I did I did because I genuinely wanted what's best for you. And you deserve better xx

 

the second 

You probably hate me, I understand, I'd hate me too for what I did to you. But I do think we should talk, you're an amazing girl there was just things between us that, for me, made me know we weren't good. And for 3 months it's been killing me to leave things like I did. I'd like to talk to you, and if you want to talk, I'm here. If you don't, I'll understand. We're not getting back together, but you deserve closure, we both do.

Edited February 19, 2023 by Lifegoeson12

[Alvi]

Who knows, who cares what he is thinking. We could be guessing here for days what is going on in his head. It is very much possible that he doesn't even know what he wants and is all over the place. Maybe someone dumped him or he had a fight with his current GF. Could be anything. The possibilities are endless. But this not not about him. Is meeting him going to be somehow beneficial to you and your own wellbeing? Not likely.

I suggest that you block him everywhere. Block him again if he contacts you again after being blocked. 

[Lifegoeson12]

1 minute ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

His first message 

 

Hey , I really really hope things are going well for you, you deserve the world and more. I'm I'm so sorry we didn't work out, you might think the worst of me, but I think of you every single day, we were just too different. I wish you gave me the chance to explain. But what I did I did because I genuinely wanted what's best for you. And you deserve better xx

 

the second 

You probably hate me, I understand, I'd hate me too for what I did to you. But I do think we should talk, you're an amazing there was just things between us that, for me, made me know we weren't good. And for 3 months it's been killing me to leave things like I did. I'd like to talk to you, and if you want to talk, I'm here. If you don't, I'll understand. We're not getting back together, but you deserve closure, we both do.

Then after the second texted saying we probably shouldn’t meet 

[Alvi]

4 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

His first message 

 

Hey , I really really hope things are going well for you, you deserve the world and more. I'm I'm so sorry we didn't work out, you might think the worst of me, but I think of you every single day, we were just too different. I wish you gave me the chance to explain. But what I did I did because I genuinely wanted what's best for you. And you deserve better xx

 

the second 

You probably hate me, I understand, I'd hate me too for what I did to you. But I do think we should talk, you're an amazing girl there was just things between us that, for me, made me know we weren't good. And for 3 months it's been killing me to leave things like I did. I'd like to talk to you, and if you want to talk, I'm here. If you don't, I'll understand. We're not getting back together, but you deserve closure, we both do.

Sounds like he was looking for a booty call to be totally honest. Like I said before, psychoanalyzing him is a colossal waste of time. Better to block him and stop living in this emotional limbo.

Edited February 19, 2023 by Alvi

[Kassieee]

10 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

His first message 

 

Hey , I really really hope things are going well for you, you deserve the world and more. I'm I'm so sorry we didn't work out, you might think the worst of me, but I think of you every single day, we were just too different. I wish you gave me the chance to explain. But what I did I did because I genuinely wanted what's best for you. And you deserve better xx

 

the second 

You probably hate me, I understand, I'd hate me too for what I did to you. But I do think we should talk, you're an amazing girl there was just things between us that, for me, made me know we weren't good. And for 3 months it's been killing me to leave things like I did. I'd like to talk to you, and if you want to talk, I'm here. If you don't, I'll understand. We're not getting back together, but you deserve closure, we both do.

Did you text him back?

If this is the same guy who cheated on you....his other girl/s weren't around, so he was checking up on you to see if he still has his strings still attached.

Edited February 19, 2023 by justaskingok

[Lifegoeson12]

6 minutes ago, justaskingok said:

Did you text him back?

If this is the same guy who cheated on you....his other girl/s weren't around, so he was checking up on you to see if he still has his strings still attached.

That’s the guy and no I didn’t reply. That’s why I think he said it was best we didn’t meet because I didn’t reply. But we’re not together so I didn’t think I owed him a fast response I was with friends saw the message and got back chatting with friends 

[ShyViolet]

Don't meet.  It's a dumb idea.  There is no such thing as meeting for "closure".  Meeting up again only drags out the drama and hurt feelings of the breakup.  It's not productive or helpful, it only sets back the moving-on process.  "Closure" is a gift that you give YOURSELF by making a decision to move on.  You don't get "closure" from someone else.  I think you should tell him to stop texting you, and then block him.

[Lifegoeson12]

38 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Sounds like he was looking for a booty call to be totally honest. Like I said before, psychoanalyzing him is a colossal waste of time. Better to block him and stop living in this emotional limbo.

I agree although I didn’t get the booty call vibe cause I assumed he would want to meet during the day. 

[Lifegoeson12]

16 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Don't meet.  It's a dumb idea.  There is no such thing as meeting for "closure".  Meeting up again only drags out the drama and hurt feelings of the breakup.  It's not productive or helpful, it only sets back the moving-on process.  "Closure" is a gift that you give YOURSELF by making a decision to move on.  You don't get "closure" from someone else.  I think you should tell him to stop texting you, and then block him.

I feel that way too. I’m going to guess that as it’s been some time since we broke up he’s feeling really bad for how things ended the cheating etc, and either wanted to test the waters or just wants to rid himself of guilt. I’m cautious of meeting him because I know it would set me back and I don’t need him to tell me again why the relationship ended. I don’t know why he needs it as he done the dumping and I’m guessing he made peace with it before he actually done, I was the one discarded. If anyone needed closure it would be me but I’ve had to make my own peace with it all 

[stillafool]

Don't bother meeting with him.  Tell him you can't give him closure that he's the only one who can give it to him.    Why isn't he blocked?  To me he sounds like the guilt from hurting you is eating him up.  After all even if you are no longer interested in someone knowing you hurt a person who was good to you is painful.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

  I’ve had to make my own peace with it all 

The closure was the breakup. You're doing the right thing making peace with it. Whenever an ex contacts you it's for their own reasons. Don't reopen wounds. Just close this chapter so you can move forward.

[Lifegoeson12]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Don't bother meeting with him.  Tell him you can't give him closure that he's the only one who can give it to him.    Why isn't he blocked?  To me he sounds like the guilt from hurting you is eating him up.  After all even if you are no longer interested in someone knowing you hurt a person who was good to you is painful.

 

 

 

Exactly I had to get my own closure and that came from within me. He has reached out for closure twice and both times I’ve said no only because I don’t want want it to set back my healing stage 

[Lifegoeson12]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The closure was the breakup. You're doing the right thing making peace with it. Whenever an ex contacts you it's for their own reasons. Don't reopen wounds. Just close this chapter so you can move forward.

He was the one who ruined and then said he didn’t want to speak to me or see me again and now wants closure or to even say he said those things and cheating because I deserved better. 
 

part of me thinks it’s his way of trying to get his his way back in and because I didn’t respond quickly he didn’t think I was interested and that’s why he cancelled not wanting to meet, like he literally waited an hour after asking to meet then sent that it’s probably best not to meet message 

[NuevoYorko]

"Closure" doesn't happen because you talk to somebody who you dumped / dumped you.  Absolutely does not.   It comes when you've CLOSED the door.  

Seeing a person is re-opening it.

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said:

 

part of me thinks it’s his way of trying to get his his way back in and because I didn’t respond quickly he didn’t think I was interested and that’s why he cancelled not wanting to meet, like he literally waited an hour after asking to meet then sent that it’s probably best not to meet message 

Why haven't you blocked him?

 

[Lifegoeson12]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why haven't you blocked him?

 

I did block him on his accounts but he messaged me from another account that I didn’t have him blocked on. He sent those messages via instagram from a second profile I didn’t know he had 

[Lotsgoingon]

So here's the deal: you only meet with him if YOU feel like doing so would help your "closure" or whatever.

He dumped you. Ignore his interests. You gotta take care of yourself--being dumped is hard, brutally hard.

Sounds like he feels some guilt. Well first, sounds like he's indecisive. And yes that he has some guilt. The problem even the kindest breakups are brutal--they have to be. They are severing a relationship. 

Seems to me that he is nervous about approaching you, he's worried that you hate him (dumpers sometimes do this) and so when you didn't respond immediately he lost his nerve. 

You can ask him, "Is this meeting going to give me information I NEED to know?" If the answer is no, skip it ... Now you dated him, you've seen the way he acts. Is this back and forth consistent with what you've seen. He sounds like a conflicted guy. 

Anyway, the only question here is whether YOU want to meet. Do not consider his feelings and what he wants. It's what YOU want!

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So here's the deal: you only meet with him if YOU feel like doing so would help your "closure" or whatever.

He dumped you.

Unfortunately, most people who got dumped don't really want to see the dumper because it will help them with closure.   They are secretly hoping that they can reverse the decision.  

[Lifegoeson12]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

Unfortunately, most people who got dumped don't really want to see the dumper because it will help them with closure.   They are secretly hoping that they can reverse the decision.  

I don’t think I’m secretly holding out in hopes of reversing it. I lm more anxious about it might do me set me back meeting him. He was someone I was madly in love with and my heart aches everyday for him but by not seeing him it has helped and I’m prettified that if I meet him it will set me back.

but I’m also petrified if I don’t meet him and if it’s a case he wants to sort things out and I say no il regret it later. I’m extremely torn on what to do. 
 

I don’t understand why he needs to meet for closure when we broke up he hurt fully listed all the reasons why he didn’t think we’d work. 
 

When he wanted to meet the first time I regretted not meeting him because maybe we could have discussed things and worked through things 

[La.Primavera]

It's an odd request to make after so many months and extremely presumptuous of him to imagine you are struggling to cope and unable to move on or see your own value after the breakup.  The fact he would even say "we aren't getting back together", was again very presumptuous to think you we even give him another chance.  His language and tone is incredibly arrogant.  

After hearing that he was unfaithful, I'm not really that surprised he is doing this.  It starts to make more sense how ego driven this guy is in his behavior.  Yet, the fact that he pulled the offer to meet so quickly when he didn't get an immediate response wreaks of deep insecurity.

An insecure and ego driven individual is always going to be looking for external validation.  If he isn't getting it, he will go looking for it, and he will be quite skilled at knowing exactly where to get it.  He did this while you were dating with other women, and he is trying to do it again.  It sounds like a compulsive need in him.

Even if you were being generous regarding his motives and said maybe he really is offering you this out of kindness, then why would he be doing this after so long?  Are your social media posts full of heartbreak and bitterness or have you been saying thing to mutual friends that might give him reason to be concerned?  
If not, he should have no reason to believe you are sitting by your phone pinning for his call or crying in your pillow every night.  That leaves you with the only other explanation, he is doing this for himself.  Maybe to get laid or perhaps worse still, to get a rush from seeing you hurt and missing him.  He gets the rush of validation that he is still desired, and he gets to be the "good guy" for offering you comfort and "closure".

It seems so twisted and gross, but I'm basing this off his own behavior and words.  I would not respond to him at all and block this new account too.   I understand that this may have brought up some feelings for you but take some comfort that you are free from someone who sounds very toxic. 

Take care and keep looking forward!

Edited February 20, 2023 by La.Primavera