My boyfriend of two years 'jokes' around all the time, and won't apologize or stop even if his messing around bothers me. I feel like recently he crossed a line and what he said to me disturbed me. Am I overreacting?

[I like to bake cookies]

We’ve been dating about 2.5 years. He was supposed to meet my parents next week but now I’ve cancelled it by saying something came up. I am still debating what I should do about this. A few nights ago, he was kissing my neck, when he suddenly asked if he could give me a hickey. I said no, and then he tells me, “and who’s going to stop me?” And begins to vigorously make out and suck at my neck even harder than before.

I was shocked and really bothered by this behavior. It’s not characteristic for him either. I told him far more forcefully that we are going to see my parents next week and he cannot leave a hickey on my neck that they could see. He stopped, but not before joking to me that he could still do it and make me wear a turtleneck when we see them(?!)

 This really upset me but he told me he was just kidding. My response to situations like this is to fawn. I’m upset that I put up with this but I just didn’t know what else to say to him, I was too shocked. I kept laying next to him and he went on his phone, neither of us saying anything, but I felt like I was going to cry, and I just felt so hurt that he behaved this way.

I have been sexually assaulted in the past and he knows this, and while it was uncharacteristic of him, I still feel very disturbed by what he said. I find myself wanting to end our relationship but don’t know if it’s silly because of a comment.

There are other things that are going on that have bothered me that I’ve tried to be patient with, such as he doesn’t have the greatest hygiene and makes a mess of my bathroom, but what he said bothers me the most.

I feel almost betrayed. I trusted him to make me feel safe when we are intimate when he knows about my history of assault and he still made that comment. I don’t even want to be intimate with him lately because of his behavior and hygiene habits. 

Edited February 22, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Typo

[stillafool]

Go ahead and break up with him.  He made a threat and you didn't like it.  So let him go. Besides he has bad hygiene.

Edited February 21, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed long quote

[ShyViolet]

I think this is absolutely a good reason to break up with someone.  Plus, having bad hygiene is absolutely disgusting.  That should be a deal breaker too.  Why would you stay with this guy?

[BaileyB]

I’m so sorry that this has happened. You are not wrong if you decide to break up with him. He was very insensitive, and this was an absolute violation of your boundaries. Not ok. 

Edited February 20, 2023 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

I would get rid of him. 

It sounds like this is one of many issues, and he doesn't respect you. That is not how a boyfriend should be. Tell him it's not working and get away from him. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, I like to bake cookies said:

 he suddenly asked if he could give me a hickey. I said no, and then he tells me, “and who’s going to stop me?” 

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Unfortunately he seems quite immature and disrespectful. 

Reconsider the relationship because of the disrespect for you and your feelings/boundaries as well as the other red flags and incompatibilities.

[I like to bake cookies]

He is 26 years old. 

[glows]

Has he met your parents before? It’s a strange reaction he had there in response to meeting your parents and using a marking or hickey to control the way you dress or take pleasure in controlling you. It reads like an act of rebellion and passive aggressiveness not only towards you but your parents. Is there any disagreement or are there differences there? 

That you “fawn” suggests you were trying to protect yourself from further assault and trying to be nice so that you don’t keep getting hurt. It’s also a strange response but hearing that you’ve been assaulted before this is self-protection for you. Someone else might have called him out on it right there and then and then ended the relationship.

You can tell yourself this has nothing to do with your past either. You’re just not a match and you’re no longer attracted, period. It is absolutely fine to end a relationship when you’re repelled or cannot respect someone.

[JTSW]

11 hours ago, I like to bake cookies said:

I have been sexually assaulted in the past and he knows this

What he said was not a joke.

It's sick.

No one should EVER says such sick things to someone who has been assaulted.

Kick his ass to the curb before he actually follows through with that threat.

[smackie9]

Oh please kick this guy to the curb. And next time, never overlook anything that makes you feel hurt, unsafe or unhappy.

[Ami1uwant]

This sounds like a harmless joke thst he likely wasn’t serious about it.

 

after 2.5 yrs you break up over that?

[basil67]

On 2/20/2023 at 8:54 AM, I like to bake cookies said:

A few nights ago, he was kissing my neck, when he suddenly asked if he could give me a hickey. I said no, and then he tells me, “and who’s going to stop me?” And begins to vigorously make out and suck at my neck even harder than before.

Even if you didn't have a history of sexual assault and the related trauma, No means No.   

And for what it's worth, even if he hadn't done this, I'd still vote for you to leave him based on the fact that he doesn't care for his own hygiene.  Ugh.  

[Acacia98]

His actions toward you are reason enough to end the relationship.

If you don't mind my asking, in what other ways has he "joked around" and failed to apologize or stop in the past?

[Wiseman2]

On 2/19/2023 at 4:54 PM, I like to bake cookies said:

. There are other things that are going on that have bothered me that I’ve tried to be patient with, such as he doesn’t have the greatest hygiene and makes a mess of my bathroom. 

It seems like there are enough red flags and deal breakers to end things. The hickey situation seems like another reason to reconsider the relationship. Do your parents live far away? Have you both met each other's friends and family in the 2.5 years of dating? 

[glows]

[ ] Look, OP, you can break up with him on the grounds that he’s just gross (no proper hygiene or something you’re comfortable being around) and you don’t respect him as a person.

What he did wasn’t fair to you and it was dismissive and disrespectful. However you can take a more proactive approach and leave aside feeling like a victim for a moment. The bottomline is you no longer respect him as he doesn’t have respect for you.

Edited February 21, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to removed content