Am I wrong (34f) for being upset with my husband (37m) for going outside of our relationship?

[Soconfusedandhurt2023]

My husband and I have been married for under a year but have been together for over 5 years. We once had, what I considered to be a casual conversation that I sort of remember, where I made a comment about how I would be okay with going outside of our relationship as long as I didn’t know about it. I recently found out that he took that to mean he could go sleep with someone else a few times over the past 9 months. He was doing this when we got married. He claims that he didn’t do anything wrong in his mind. I only found out because the other woman found out he was married and messaged me. He knew for a week that she was going to tell me and said he didn’t know how to bring it up so he didn’t tell me.

Edited February 20, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Soconfusedandhurt2023 said:

 I made a comment about how I would be okay with going outside of our relationship as long as I didn’t know about it

Unfortunately this seems like an agreement to have an open marriage.

If you feel that's not working, you may have to renegotiate the terms because unfortunately you told him he could step out as long as he was secretive/discreet about it..

Try to renegotiate because other women contacting you about his extramarital affairs indicates he's not honest with them either.

[glows]

That she felt the need to bust up a marriage and the wife should know makes me think that she was emotionally attached to him in some way. Someone doesn’t behave like that if they couldn’t care less if the other person is married. You had a rather loose and informal rule even if it was just a mention at the time: that you don’t know about it. One would think he’d have the forethought to mention that to his affair partner and they’d both keep their mouth shut. 

I’d pause and think about whether it’s more than just physical intimacy and a relationship that was developing on a deeper level.

How do you feel about him “going outside your marriage” now that he has and you know about it? Will you continue with the marriage and work on your communication together? 

 

[Soconfusedandhurt2023]

I am not okay with it. It was a casual conversation once that was never followed up on or ever had further discussion on. I never took it as a conversation agreeing to that. I had told him many many many times I don’t care where you get “your motor running” as long as you “park in the right garage”.  

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Soconfusedandhurt2023 said:

I had told him many many many times I don’t care where you get “your motor running”  

Unfortunately he took this as a pass to have extramarital affairs.  Perhaps it's time to clarify what commitment means to both of you rather than vague remarks about  "I would be okay with going outside of our relationship" or "where he gets his motor running".

If you feel you're being too lax about commitment and fidelity, perhaps marriage counseling could help you two redefine the relationship.

[glows]

7 minutes ago, Soconfusedandhurt2023 said:

I am not okay with it. It was a casual conversation once that was never followed up on or ever had further discussion on. I never took it as a conversation agreeing to that. I had told him many many many times I don’t care where you get “your motor running” as long as you “park in the right garage”.  

Not sure what that means - that he comes home every night or only has sex with you(monogamous)? 

We can’t undo what has already been done. That doesn’t take away the betrayal and broken trust but the sooner you accept that this has happened the quicker you can reach a decision about what you want to do next.

Edited February 20, 2023 by glows

[basil67]

52 minutes ago, Soconfusedandhurt2023 said:

 I made a comment about how I would be okay with going outside of our relationship as long as I didn’t know about it. 

 

35 minutes ago, Soconfusedandhurt2023 said:

 I had told him many many many times I don’t care where you get “your motor running” as long as you “park in the right garage”.  

If these things aren't permission to have dalliances outside the marriage, I don't know what is.   I suggest the two of you need to go into marriage counselling and try to undo what has been done.  Both your words and his actions.

[JTSW]

You fully gave him your permission OP, so this is on you.

Obviously you never thought he would take you up on it, but he did.

It's still on you.

You gave him the green light.

[Mrin]

A few thoughts:

1) It sure sounds like to me that you gave permission. If you later regretted that or wanted to clarify it, it's up to you to raise that topic with him again and rediscuss.

2) The nature of your permission actually hinders the re-discussion of it by him. I mean you put in the clause, "as long as I don't find out about it". Is that pretty much means it's up to you to bring it back up otherwise he's aiding and abetting your "finding out about it" if he unilaterally brings it back up.

3) All that being said... He is at fault to some degree. Per your original permission, It was incumbent upon him to make sure "you didn't find out about it". Whether that's partner selection, expectation setting, whatever - he was supposed to make sure that you didn't find out about it.

That didn't happen. You found out about it. He knew you were going to find out about it and apparently did nothing to either stop it or preemptively tell you about it to soften the blow. So I definitely think there is something to be upset about it's just isn't the thing that you're upset about. 

Does this make sense?

Also, I'm really sorry you're going through this.

 

Mrin

[Weezy1973]

OP are you someone who thinks men can’t be monogamous? I’ve met a few women who try different things to try to get around this belief in an attempt not to get hurt.Trying to be “okay” with an open relationship is one of them. In your case though it sounds like you really do want him to be monogamous. You want to be enough for him. So the strategy kind of backfired - you opened the marriage and now regret it.

[Will am I]

Of course you're not ok with your husband sleeping with other women. You are married now. And a single remark hardly qualifies as an agreement to open up the marriage

(I would expect that spouses would talk much more extensively when setting boundaries for an open marriage).

 

8 hours ago, Soconfusedandhurt2023 said:

where I made a comment about how I would be okay with going outside of our relationship as long as I didn’t know about it.

Wondering: why did you say this?

Did you mean it when you said it? Did you feel any pressure to say this?

 

 

 

 

[stillafool]

What exactly did you mean when you told him "I would be okay with going outside the relationship as long as I didn't know about it."  I would have thought the same thing your husband did that you were ok with me having sex on the side as long as you didn't find out.  The problem is now you have found out, so what are you going to do?

[NuevoYorko]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

10 hours ago, Soconfusedandhurt2023 said:

 I made a comment about how I would be okay with going outside of our relationship as long as I didn’t know about it. 

 

9 hours ago, Soconfusedandhurt2023 said:

 I had told him many many many times I don’t care where you get “your motor running” as long as you “park in the right garage”.  

Can you clarify what you meant when you said the above things to your husband?  I think I would have taken them the same way he did, if I'd been in his shoes.

That doesn't mean I'd have acted upon it - I would have thought that you didn't care much about monogamy though.

Edited February 20, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[Lotsgoingon]

I have heard people say what you said and there are several meanings and this gets subtle.

There is the meaning of go ahead and sleep with who you want.

But the more frequent meaning (if I'm reading you right) is hey, I want you to be committed to me and be true. But if you do slip, you don't have to tell me what happened. Just stop. 

Sounds to me that your meaning was the second sentence, not the first. A lot of this is communicated through tone. I dated a woman who once said this to me. I didn't take it to mean she was OK with me sleeping with whoever I wanted. You really want to have this as a conversation to be sure your meaning was clearly communicated. 

Really, I think the "dont' tell" is not helpful, for you or for him, even when it's version 2. 

[Alvi]

18 hours ago, Soconfusedandhurt2023 said:

He knew for a week that she was going to tell me and said he didn’t know how to bring it up so he didn’t tell me.

 So, he though that a total stranger contacting you is a better option as opposed to fessing up? Why didn't he tell you if didn't think that he did anything wrong in a first place? Oh, come one, he probably realizes that he was cheating on you and that you were not OK with having an open relationship. On top of that, he was dishonest with that  other woman. Not that I know much about open relationships, but an honestly us a must. She should have been aware that he is married and that his wife is his primary partner and that he is not looking for anything besides sex with her.

18 hours ago, Soconfusedandhurt2023 said:

We once had, what I considered to be a casual conversation that I sort of remember, where I made a comment about how I would be okay with going outside of our relationship as long as I didn’t know about it.

Who started this conversation? Do you think if you said, "No way in hell am I ever going to allow you to have any outside dalliances" he would actually listen and not cheat? 

 

18 hours ago, Soconfusedandhurt2023 said:

I had told him many many many times I don’t care where you get “your motor running” as long as you “park in the right garage”

And by that you meant that you are Ok with him looking and talking to other women as long as he doesn't sleep with any of them?

How is the rest of your communication with  your husband?

[ExpatInItaly]

23 hours ago, Soconfusedandhurt2023 said:

I made a comment about how I would be okay with going outside of our relationship as long as I didn’t know about it

Why on earth would you say that?