disisdisaster Posted February 21, 2023 Share Posted February 21, 2023 (edited) **Please advise without referencing my other posts** My bf and I had a big fight during which he screamed out "it's over!!" out of anger (did it many times before). I didn't say anything and left. Then he tried to contact me for 2-3 days to which I was so hurt and did not respond. A week after the big fight, he apologized a lot so we made up. But then I found out he went on dates during that 5 days! When I confronted him he kept lying and denied but days later finally admitted to having gone on one date (still a lie) because he thought we broke up and it was his coping mechanism. Yes I didnt respond for days because of the fight but we were sort of on break to decide if we were over for good. Even if we were broke up (as he claims) I dont think he should have gone on dates the next day like that. Especially while he was also trying to get back with me. Am I wrong? Is this something I should/can forgive? (Considering that this was the only time he lied) Edited February 21, 2023 by disisdisaster Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 21, 2023 Share Posted February 21, 2023 Short answer: No. I will respect your request not to reference your other threads, but I certainly hope that you are referencing your relationship with this person up to this particular crisis. You say that this is the only time you've caught him in a lie (which is not true anyway - he repeatedly lied and also changed his stories which counts as more lies, and you caught those). Is being caught in a lie the only valid reason to terminate a relationship for you? I hope not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author disisdisaster Posted February 21, 2023 Author Share Posted February 21, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said: Short answer: No. You say that this is the only time you've caught him in a lie (which is not true anyway - he repeatedly lied and also changed his stories which counts as more lies, and you caught those). Is being caught in a lie the only valid reason to terminate a relationship for you? I hope not. He has many very serious issues but also some good sides. And every time we meet he actually acts better and better - and I can see that he tries to become a better person. So it kinda gives me a hope in a way that maybe if I stay around bit longer he'd change. He also talked to me for hours and hours and even cried. So I'm feeling soft... (he wouldn't have spent hours talking to me and cried if he hadn't cared about me a lot?) Edited February 21, 2023 by disisdisaster Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 21, 2023 Share Posted February 21, 2023 15 minutes ago, disisdisaster said: He has many very serious issues but also some good sides. And every time we meet he actually acts better and better - and I can see that he tries to become a better person. So it kinda gives me a hope in a way that maybe if I stay around bit longer he'd change. He also talked to me for hours and hours and even cried. So I'm feeling soft... (he wouldn't have spent hours talking to me and cried if he hadn't cared about me a lot?) It sounds like you've already decided to give him another chance and don't need or want this forum to say differently. I think he's a cheat and will do it again and again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author disisdisaster Posted February 21, 2023 Author Share Posted February 21, 2023 (edited) 6 minutes ago, stillafool said: It sounds like you've already decided to give him another chance and don't need or want this forum to say differently. I think he's a cheat and will do it again and again. I have not- I already broke up with him but I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing and did not overreact--- I just find it hard to understand why he would talk to me for hours and hours and cry and do all that if he hadn't really cared. Almost easier to just end with me and date others -? And he keeps blames me that he did this that because I did this that, circumstance were xyz and I instigated ... so I wanted to know if I was really wrong.. and if not wrong then get your support to cut him loose this time..... Edited February 21, 2023 by disisdisaster Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 21, 2023 Share Posted February 21, 2023 Do what your heart tells you to do and give him another chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author disisdisaster Posted February 21, 2023 Author Share Posted February 21, 2023 5 minutes ago, stillafool said: Do what your heart tells you to do and give him another chance. Why? What is this? I cant be curious and wonder about things post break up? Seek support here? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 21, 2023 Share Posted February 21, 2023 2 hours ago, disisdisaster said: When I confronted him he kept lying and denied but days later finally admitted to having gone on one date (still a lie) because he thought we broke up and it was his coping mechanism. Are you concerned he's manufacturing these fights/breakups in order to find excuses to fool around? Either way if there's a lot of arguments as well as vagueness about being exclusive you may want to reflect if he's creating too much drama. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author disisdisaster Posted February 21, 2023 Author Share Posted February 21, 2023 4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Are you concerned he's manufacturing these fights/breakups in order to find excuses to fool around? Either way if there's a lot of arguments as well as vagueness about being exclusive you may want to reflect if he's creating too much drama. No that was not the concern - he did not fool around at all until this time- but he does create a lot of drama. And he blames it all on me and tells everyone else I am the one causing the drama. I also told him to stop badmouthing me to others. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted February 21, 2023 Share Posted February 21, 2023 1 hour ago, disisdisaster said: I have not- I already broke up with him but I want to make sure I'm doing the right thing and did not overreact--- I just find it hard to understand why he would talk to me for hours and hours and cry and do all that if he hadn't really cared. Almost easier to just end with me and date others -? And he keeps blames me that he did this that because I did this that, circumstance were xyz and I instigated ... so I wanted to know if I was really wrong.. and if not wrong then get your support to cut him loose this time..... you find it hard to understand why he'd talk to you for hours if he didn't care? i'd think the going on dates and hooking up with other women and lying to you would be more of an indicator if he cared. and the fact he's trying to convince you that it's your fault he had to sleep with / date / other women is wild. this is not good behavior for a boyfriend to display. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 21, 2023 Share Posted February 21, 2023 2 hours ago, disisdisaster said: but he does create a lot of drama. And he blames it all on me and tells everyone else I am the one causing the drama. I also told him to stop badmouthing me to others. Why are you dating a guy like this? 4 hours ago, disisdisaster said: **Please advise without referencing my other posts** Usually when posters try to control the narrative like this, it's because they know they're trying to fool themselves into thinking past issues has been "solved" so they don't want responders seeing the backstory But most of the time? Those past issues deeply affect the present, whether the poster wants to admit it or not. Would you say that is the case for you? 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 21, 2023 Share Posted February 21, 2023 5 hours ago, disisdisaster said: My bf and I had a big fight during which he screamed out "it's over!!" out of anger (did it many times before). He broke up with you. And he's done it many times before. No way on earth would I have given him another chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 21, 2023 Share Posted February 21, 2023 I'd dump him and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 22, 2023 Share Posted February 22, 2023 Seriously, he sounds like a pathetic loser. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 22, 2023 Share Posted February 22, 2023 (edited) I've given you my advice based on this post alone. Now I will give you broad advice based on your history because issues don't exist in a void Your first thread referenced much fighting, and that time it was you who, in the middle of a fight, told him you were ending it. Second thread you tell us that if you raise the issue with with him, he will "get mad and/or lie". Now there's yet another fight he's the one who told you that he was ending it. Have your previous relationships had this much fighting? I'm wondering if you haven't experienced what it is to have a nice, calm, supportive relationship. Are you aware that this is not healthy or normal? Edited February 22, 2023 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Author disisdisaster Posted February 22, 2023 Author Share Posted February 22, 2023 (edited) 3 hours ago, basil67 said: Have your previous relationships had this much fighting? I'm wondering if you haven't experienced what it is to have a nice, calm, supportive relationship. Are you aware that this is not healthy or normal? I have been in great relationships. I have not fought this much in any of my past ones - and I do recognize this is toxic. I spent all day reading about narcissist... all of which seem to fit his behaviours dead on. I keep thinking I'm different and if I stay around he will change and we can be different which is probably the core problem. Him crying and telling me he now loves me make it very hard to cut him out... Edited February 22, 2023 by disisdisaster Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted February 22, 2023 Share Posted February 22, 2023 No, I wouldn't forgive. I'd accept that he's an embarrassing jerk and block him everywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted February 22, 2023 Share Posted February 22, 2023 Holy crap, you two are so bad for each other. Like I said to you before, he has never been fully in this relationship. The fact that he is still active of dating sites and talking to women should tell you this. Then you had a fight and he went on a dates with other women? Yeah, he doesn't much care about you OP. Walk away because it wont change. Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted February 22, 2023 Share Posted February 22, 2023 On 2/21/2023 at 8:53 AM, disisdisaster said: My bf and I had a big fight during which he screamed out "it's over!!" out of anger (did it many times before). I didn't say anything and left. Then he tried to contact me for 2-3 days to which I was so hurt and did not respond. OK, I didn't look at any of your past posts so I am only going to comment on this particular situation. It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship if the two of you are constantly fighting and he is constantly telling you that it is over between the two of you. So, the question is, how many times does he has to tell you it is over till it is finally over? I honestly think that you be more kind to nervous system by ending things with this guy. You only need to be told once that the relationship is over. P.S. This situation is very toxic and unhealthy. Breaking up, making up, him dating other women during the break-ups, come on. Either work on a better communication without resorting to shouting matches or end things altogether. But I assume there is a lot more to this story since I didn't read your past posts. Perhaps, ending things would be for the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 22, 2023 Share Posted February 22, 2023 11 hours ago, disisdisaster said: I spent all day reading about narcissist... all of which seem to fit his behaviours dead on. Please. Stop wasting your time working on diagnosing this person with a personality disorder. He behaves like a turd towards you. That is a very good reason to terminate the relationship. It doesn't matter if he has some good qualities (which you've said he does - though zero examples have been given). Even if he does, it makes no difference. He is not bringing those to the table in your relationship. I expect that you are a full participant in all of the drama / fighting. So it's easy to take on part of the blame for the sick relationship that you have. It doesn't really matter though. It's not healthy. It needs to be over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted February 22, 2023 Share Posted February 22, 2023 The guy is abusive and kept going on the dating sites after you were committed. And now this?? There is nothing left to save here, nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
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