Just went on first proper date since breakup. it didn't go well!

[justwhoiam]

2 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Thank you for this.

In the end, you did it again 🙂

[Lamron300]

22 minutes ago, justwhoiam said:

In the end, you did it again 🙂

I forgot. It was a useful suggestion and I definitely think I’m going to go for it! 

[Lamron300]

On 3/4/2023 at 10:53 PM, basil67 said:

I agree that OLD won't work for you while you're in your current state of mind.  

OLD can be really good, really bad or middling.  To be able to deal with this, one needs to be pretty chill so that they can roll with the punches.    Perhaps in a bit of time when you're feeling more chill, it could work.  

I’ve been thinking about what you said and it is very difficult. I’ve noticed I only overthink when I’m not busy or spending time just procrastinating at home. For the past 18 months work has kept me busy and I really haven’t even had time to think negatively. Now I’m physically burnt out from working too hard I’m just getting overwhelmed trying to plan to do some sort of activity everyday. 
 

With OLD I am trying to avoid things which are inherent issues with OLD. As you said, she is a stranger but I still feel some sort of resentment to the fact someone could impact my day so much. She basically just laughed it off then suggested Tuesday.  I just ignored her message and told her I had already got ready and was planning to leave the house. She then apologised again and I left it as that. 
 

Im trying to get on top of house chores, work commitments and to stay social. It’s very difficult as I’ve gone too much one way. Another poster suggested speed dating which I’m strongly considering, my only worry is that is high investment (getting hopes up) as opposed to OLD. The only reason I feel I need to be proactive is in business I understand you can’t win every client and you just have to wait out tough periods. In dating if I just sat at home, I’m not going to meet anyone. 

[Versacehottie]

9 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Another poster suggested speed dating which I’m strongly considering, my only worry is that is high investment (getting hopes up) as opposed to OLD. T

huh??? you definitely are seeing speed dating in the wrong context. If anything, it's lower investment than OLD. You'd show up and all the work is done for you as far as putting 50 people in a room that are dating possibilities. You'd have a short conversation of which little is expected; it's just a chance for a spark if there happens to be one. Other than the cost of going, which presumably you can afford, there is pretty much no LOWER investment dating activity to do. In a formalized, proactive way.

I think honestly though you are in the wrong state to date and it will compound your confidence and depression issues though. So if you mean high risk in that way, it's all a risk, this activity included. 

Sounds like the MOST productive thing for you to do is to get your life back to neutral. Get into the routine of managing your day to day life, including social/friends and work so that it is manageable and you feel good about yourself. When you get that normalized , you will be in a better position to date. This thread is a sign of someone who needs a break from dealing with the romantic part of their life.

[Lamron300]

2 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

huh??? you definitely are seeing speed dating in the wrong context. If anything, it's lower investment than OLD. You'd show up and all the work is done for you as far as putting 50 people in a room that are dating possibilities. You'd have a short conversation of which little is expected; it's just a chance for a spark if there happens to be one. Other than the cost of going, which presumably you can afford, there is pretty much no LOWER investment dating activity to do. In a formalized, proactive way.

I think honestly though you are in the wrong state to date and it will compound your confidence and depression issues though. So if you mean high risk in that way, it's all a risk, this activity included. 

Sounds like the MOST productive thing for you to do is to get your life back to neutral. Get into the routine of managing your day to day life, including social/friends and work so that it is manageable and you feel good about yourself. When you get that normalized , you will be in a better position to date. This thread is a sign of someone who needs a break from dealing with the romantic part of their life.

I will definitely look into speed dating and the male/female ratio at these events. By high investment I meant that I have more expectations than when swiping an app. I guess it's something I just have to try. OLD has opportunities but due to the amount of 'choice' it isn't working for me. If I didn't pay for the premium version of the dating app I use, I would only be able to like 8 profiles a day. 

I think you're right. In my head I'm trying to live a million miles an hour. Today I have stayed at home to try and catch up on the many reports I have outstanding, in the evening I will go to the gym. I feel like I need to do something social everyday, which is really bugging me.

I'm over the date who cancelled on short notice as if they can't set an alarm clock to wake themself up for a nap, I don't want to date them. I think its just weird when things are a bit on a downer that happens.

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I will definitely look into speed dating and the male/female ratio at these events. By high investment I meant that I have more expectations than when swiping an app. I guess it's something I just have to try. OLD has opportunities but due to the amount of 'choice' it isn't working for me. If I didn't pay for the premium version of the dating app I use, I would only be able to like 8 profiles a day. 

I think you're right. In my head I'm trying to live a million miles an hour. Today I have stayed at home to try and catch up on the many reports I have outstanding, in the evening I will go to the gym. I feel like I need to do something social everyday, which is really bugging me.

I'm over the date who cancelled on short notice as if they can't set an alarm clock to wake themself up for a nap, I don't want to date them. I think its just weird when things are a bit on a downer that happens.

ok, am i sensing the tiniest bit of light and optimism coming from you? This is good. And realism too. Ok about speed dating--I forgot who suggested it but I'm taking it on the surface as a good recommendation in your area. I suppose depending on the event/event planners for it, it could be a good event with quality, age-appropriate people or maybe not. That said, it only takes one person and if you are feeling open and in a good space, then it would be good to go to brush up on your conversational skills even if nothing comes from it. You have to see some attempts at dating as just semi-throw away....ie you put yourself out there and are WHOLE already. You also build up a good enough social life that some meeting of people organically is possible and that you are an interesting person because of it.   I think swiping is easier, of course but maybe nothing comes from it and you aren't really putting yourself "out" there which I would guess is part of the issue. Then when you do connect with someone on a swiping app, chances are you are over-investing and believing it's worth more than it is or should be more successful than it will be---and this is typically after you've invested a decent amount of time on a single person and get your hopes up because you feel like you are "real" people to each other. At a speed dating event or anything like that, there's no real risk other than spending one night or whatever socializing. In fact, i would dial it down that low. Making friends is sort of how I think you should approach it---if and when you did it. If you think about it, it's economy of effort. however many women in a room at one point in time, all up for dating, potentially dating you, and there is a formalized process which will help you guys start a conversation with them. If you were in a slightly better headspace, I would say this type of thing would be a good event for you. All conditional on the event itself--I've heard mixed things on them in reality but the concept is fine. Another thing some pubs have is game night which is super fun. Do they have those where you are? People end up talking to each other though it's not specifically for "dating", it's a hop, skip and a jump to that if there's chemistry. Another benefit of the speed dating idea is that you don't waste time or money on a first date to only find out you don't have chemistry with the person. You discover it in that 5 minute thing. Hopefully the recommended one is a good one. 

I think it's fair to not put any more effort or not reschedule the date that flaked on you.  The only two lessons I would take from that for YOURSELF is:

a) what could I do/didn't do/etc to have created more interest so that this person was more invested in seeing the first date through. On one level, I would see that a person was somehow not motivated enough to prioritize the first date. Why? Nothing happens in a vacuum and there are probably things you did or didn't do that contributed to that result. Not blaming you, just saying if you go back through your own stuff, there are probably things you could or would change to have a different result. 

b) that said, conversely, assume some portion, maybe even 90% of it is just who she is and where she is in life; thus, you have to take it with a grain of salt and not over-invest and get a tough skin bc this stuff happens. 

I think you are trying to do too much, too soon because you really are in a rush to stop feeling how you feel emotionally by being in a different emotional state/new relationship and thus are in a hurry to overspecialize to do that when you haven't been socializing. You need to ramp up more gradually. Maybe try to go out 3-4/week or even just 2 if you are starting from never going out. Also see opportunities in other ways--every day you have opportunities when on a dog walk, getting coffee, groceries, errands, working. Build those in a maximize them. Change up your routine. Take the dog to outdoor cafes and stop and chat to people. Start a conversation in line at coffee or the bank, or getting groceries. That way you can FEEL like you are doing something every day toward your ultimate goal (and actually be doing it!) without the direct pressure of just dating to date or going to bars (let's say) to try to meet girls. It usually happens when a person isn't trying so hard anyway. Also you need to fall in love with the life you have to "sell" that to someone else. 

[Weezy1973]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

 By high investment I meant that I have more expectations than when swiping an app.

I think your struggling is mostly your mindset. You're not going to be compatible enough with the vast majority of strangers to enter into a long term relationship. Therefore getting too invested early is going to lead to emotional burn out and frustration. It sounds like you're already getting invested before you even meet someone. Even if you meet someone, and let's say there's amazing chemistry and you have a great time and both really want to see each other again. It's still way more likely you're not compatible enough for a long term relationship.

So taking things too seriously early on is a mistake, plain and simple. And also expect things like flaking especially with online dating. It's just part of the process. If you get so upset or let it ruin your day, it means you're taking early stage dating way too seriously. Also, as has been said before, don't go on long first dates from OLD. I'd suggest meeting someone as soon as possible after matching, and just coffee or a quick drink. If you're driving a long way, you can even set up two dates on the same day. Meet one for an afternoon coffee, and the next one for an evening drink. At the end of the day, it's a numbers game. The more strangers you meet, the more likely it is you'll eventually find someone compatible. The key is you want to preserve your emotional energy and this is done by not getting invested early. Good luck!

[Lamron300]

12 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

 

I think you are trying to do too much, too soon because you really are in a rush to stop feeling how you feel emotionally by being in a different emotional state/new relationship and thus are in a hurry to overspecialize to do that when you haven't been socializing. You need to ramp up more gradually. Maybe try to go out 3-4/week or even just 2 if you are starting from never going out. Also see opportunities in other ways--every day you have opportunities when on a dog walk, getting coffee, groceries, errands, working. Build those in a maximize them. Change up your routine. Take the dog to outdoor cafes and stop and chat to people. Start a conversation in line at coffee or the bank, or getting groceries. That way you can FEEL like you are doing something every day toward your ultimate goal (and actually be doing it!) without the direct pressure of just dating to date or going to bars (let's say) to try to meet girls. It usually happens when a person isn't trying so hard anyway. Also you need to fall in love with the life you have to "sell" that to someone else. 

Thank you. Today is the first day in weeks I’ve woke up feeling exhausted. I think maybe I’m physically exhausted as I’ve been training hard. 

It hasn’t happened in ten years dating (being cancelled on). Only reason I’m a bit surprised. She hinted her life is chaotic and said she has been ****** on but then again that’s not something I want to be involved in. The thing is I see things differently now. It’s just a date, not a hot night out with a gf. May not have been compatible anyway.

I like the suggestion of ramping things up slowly. I think I need to experience excitement in other areas of life, not just the romantic sense. I’ve achieved most of the things I would have wanted to five years ago, apart from the relationship bit. But even still I don’t want to cherish a relationship so much as if it does turn sour, I’ll end up staying to avoid this feeling. When things got really really bad with my ex I always thought ahh I don’t want to start over again etc. 

 

[Lamron300]

9 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I think your struggling is mostly your mindset. You're not going to be compatible enough with the vast majority of strangers to enter into a long term relationship. Therefore getting too invested early is going to lead to emotional burn out and frustration. It sounds like you're already getting invested before you even meet someone. Even if you meet someone, and let's say there's amazing chemistry and you have a great time and both really want to see each other again. It's still way more likely you're not compatible enough for a long term relationship.

So taking things too seriously early on is a mistake, plain and simple. And also expect things like flaking especially with online dating. It's just part of the process. If you get so upset or let it ruin your day, it means you're taking early stage dating way too seriously. Also, as has been said before, don't go on long first dates from OLD. I'd suggest meeting someone as soon as possible after matching, and just coffee or a quick drink. If you're driving a long way, you can even set up two dates on the same day. Meet one for an afternoon coffee, and the next one for an evening drink. At the end of the day, it's a numbers game. The more strangers you meet, the more likely it is you'll eventually find someone compatible. The key is you want to preserve your emotional energy and this is done by not getting invested early. Good luck!

I agree with the short meets but everyone even on their profiles seem to suggest doing something active or overly invested. There’s a prompt on the app that women put on their profile which says their ideal first date and they all seem over the top to me. As I’ve realised from this thread, a three course dinner meal is not a good first date. Also I’m training hard at the moment in the gym and martial arts, I hadn’t drank alcohol for a long time till I started going on dates recently. A glass of wine now and then is fine but I don’t want to start drinking a lot socially. 

What my mind craves is the early excitement of a relationship, but I know it takes a lot of work/luck. In the past 3 people have tried to come back to me after going on lots of other dates that failed (one after 3 years). That’s the issue I am having. I know you have to be low investment early on, but you also need to build trust early on. For example, if I go on 6 dates with the same person and things are going well, we both stated we want a relationship but they are dating two people additionally, that behaviour often follows onto a relationship. Obviously with things that have happened I’m on high alert.