Just went on first proper date since breakup. it didn't go well!

[Lamron300]

3 hours ago, JTSW said:

I would say curb dating for a while because you are not in the right head space yet.

Your break up was  just a few weeks ago.

Continue with your therapy sessions and take time for just you for a while.

Go out with friends and relax.

Thank you. The reason I am trying to date so soon is I don't feel heartbroken about past relationship, just angry. I get home after long day of work and its cold and dark and I feel like I just want to meet someone. When it doesn't work out I go back to thinking its a bad idea.

Friends tell me go to the gym, get into hobbies, book solo holidays which is all great. But I feel overwhelmed because I then prioritize socialising so much I don't do any work. For example I am supposed to go to work in half an hour but I am reading through the threads on this forum searching for answers..scrutinising myself etc. 

[Lamron300]

22 minutes ago, petrolheadno1 said:

Hi, I would start by making a list of what you like and what you don't like in a woman. so What are your so called deal breakers. 

Also I would recommend carrying out hobbies and things you enjoy, spending time with your friends, having alone me time this is how one maintains balance in their life. Woman want a man who has their things together, are emotionally secure and this is where I made a mistake that where I was basing my happiness on whether I have a girlfriend or not. 

Hope this helps brother and remember if this one door closes, another door opens which will be better.

Thank you. You are right I am basing everything on having a gf or not.

[Versacehottie]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry it didn't work out.   What you're experiencing is the inherent problem with OLD - one really doesn't get a strong sense of the other until they meet face to face.   I don't think there's any getting around this.  

In your shoes, I would have walked away from this date not wanting to bother with her further.  Thing is, you missed a big red flag:  She talks a lot so she did most of the talking and I listened and asked questions.  Yes, it's good that she's chatty and this is better than being with someone where conversation is like pulling teeth, but it sounds like she didn't ask you anything about yourself.  This tells me she just likes to hear herself talk and therefore is a poor conversationalist.  Perhaps you could have kept seeing her for a while, but eventually you would have gotten tired of her lack of interest in you.  

Thing is, if your "type" is too narrow in any direction, you're going to find yourself with far less options than someone who's very flexible with race and appearance.   

 

 I totally agree...I might add though that even though she did a lot of the talking, maybe it wasn't such a red flag on her but is aa much a reflection of the way OP feels about himself, such as how he describes his life and his mental state.  That would cause a person not have much to say or to be very interesting on the date. So it could be just as much a red flag on the OP TBH. Sorry, OP but I think this is all important if you want to get to the root of the dating/confidence stuff you are going through.

Also OP, you are acting like you just want to "slot" someone in without the work and enjoyment of dating.  Somehow you have to find a way to see it differently--more fun, even if it doesn't work out...and more realistically, that it's not likely to magically "fit" necessarily on the first person. 

IMO, if you don't have much going on but working, wallowing and walking the dog, you wouldn't be a good dating candidate. I know you don't have much time, OP, but if you aren't interested and joyful about your life, why would you expect anyone else to be?

[Versacehottie]

11 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Thank you for your wise words. Looking back on it (she started the convo on OLD) but she asked very little questions about me. She didn’t flirt online or in person. I can’t say I’m surprised this was the outcome. I have now seen as you say her chattiness isn’t necessarily a good thing as she just talked about herself. I don’t feel she attempted to know me. 
 

These things happen with OLD but how do you gear yourself up for the next thing? To her this was just an outing as she said she likes meeting new people and doesn’t stay at home much or eat out much. I have two businesses and a dog so making time to date is very precious. I know you can’t guarantee anything but I don’t want to waste time. If I saw what you said and considered it earlier I wouldn’t have wasted my time. If she was interested in me she would’ve asked more questions about me. 

If she likes "meeting people" and you live the way you do, don't you think it's natural that you guys aren't a match? This is just the process of dating. 

I find it psychologically interesting how you are trying to "blame" her for not asking questions of you and think you are being overly sensitive. To me, among other things, it seems like you are not ready to date. 

To the bolded, and yet you are still seeing it as a "waste of time". You have to reframe it as a time investment and get realistic about what it will take if finding a partner is important to you. You are not going to be able to tell (most likely) after a week of some decent text messages. You even were with your ex for a significant amount of time and could not determine if she was a good partner for you. I'm not trying to be overly harsh on you but you have to see your tone that is reflecting your mindset is pretty negative and complaining--making you not in a great place to date. If you can switch that around, I'd be more optimistic about your chances. You should be proud of yourself for going on a date, getting back out there and taking a step in the right direction by trying to date again. There are lessons her for YOU not to blame a person who has no consequence in your life (your date). I'm not saying she was perfect, mostly that if you aren't taking the lessons for YOU from this date, the good, the bad, you are really missing the most valuable part. 

You gear yourself up for the next thing by understanding that failed dates are common. And they are not necessarily "failed" if you view the whole thing as a process. If you said anything relative to what facts you are giving here: I work 2 jobs, don't have time for dating and my main social activity is walking my dog and I'm recovering from a breakup with undertones of a lack of self confidence, the date has a million lessons for you to improve on.  I'm just saying you could meet girls that you are well-suited to and this would not be attractive to them because you don't love your life. Do you really think she wasted her own time just to have "an outing"? I don't think that is the most likely reason--the most likely reason is that she wanted to find her person--you should approach your dates with people knowing that and then be realistic that it still doesn't work out sometimes despite people having good intentions.

[Versacehottie]

11 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

This is my issue. I don’t agree with an ‘instant spark’. I go on dates to learn more about someone and the setting does matter.

Then this date was a success. You did that! ....and learned that you don't have enough there to take it further. 

[Versacehottie]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

As we speak, a woman I have been speaking to for around 2 weeks messaged me 'are you ok?'. I like her and she is good to talk to, but she also seems very busy and obsessed with work. She also said to me she doesn't feel confident as she has put on weight in the last year. All her OLD pictures are just face shots. My dilemma is I like her as a person but do I really know her? do you just accept red flags for what they are? I don't want to get invested in people only for disappointment. 

To the bolded, if this thread were your profile, to be 100% fair, someone might say the same about you! I just am being honest. I don't know why you think people aren't going to be judging you similarly in the same way you're getting vibes, for example with this woman, and coming to conclusions--whether on the app or on the date. The SAME thing is happening and I would guess people at this very point in time would come to very similar conclusions about you.

To the second bolded, um you have to make peace with the fact that dating is a risk and a time investment and then mitigate the risk and manage the time to the best of your ability. Not wish and complain about something that is INHERENT in the process. In this case, if you feel she has too many red flags for you, then mitigate the risk and don't go out with her. That's how you try to avoid "potential" disappointment for YOU misspending your precious time. But realize that even with the best tactics you still might misstep sometimes and that itself is part of the process of dating.  Also you need to chill out--if you don't have time for a 1-2 hour first date of simple drinks or something like that (which I do understand), then how do you expect to manage things if they go WELL??? Also one first date from online a huge gamble despite anyone's best efforts, you have to stop seeing it as a major investment or having the ability to be a huge "disappointment" in your life. It's sort of a little seed, inconsequential but a chance to be great if things go well. Dial it down and back.   Your expectations are too high and out of line with reality

Edited February 22, 2023 by Versacehottie

[Lamron300]

10 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

 

You gear yourself up for the next thing by understanding that failed dates are common. And they are not necessarily "failed" if you view the whole thing as a process. If you said anything relative to what facts you are giving here: I work 2 jobs, don't have time for dating and my main social activity is walking my dog and I'm recovering from a breakup with undertones of a lack of self confidence, the date has a million lessons for you to improve on.  I'm just saying you could meet girls that you are well-suited to and this would not be attractive to them because you don't love your life. Do you really think she wasted her own time just to have "an outing"? I don't think that is the most likely reason--the most likely reason is that she wanted to find her person--you should approach your dates with people knowing that and then be realistic that it still doesn't work out sometimes despite people having good intentions.

How do I not come across as intense, because as you may know I have wasted enough time in the past. What I mean by wasted is I’ve stayed in relationships which could’ve ended a lot lot sooner. I’ve continued talking to people online who are happy to just talk back and forth for ever.

I don’t want to blame my date, but I don’t feel she was very open minded going into the date. If I feel someone is just talking about themselves and I’m asking all the questions, then I should just stop. 
 

When I mention the two businesses I don’t mean ‘look at me I’m too busy for you’, what I mean is my life isn’t the same. I really have to plan things. I went on the date yesterday instead of finishing a report as you have to compromise. But yesterday evening the client was moaning at me even though the report wasn’t late!

I think I’ve learnt people will happily meet (as you said it isn’t a big deal). Not that they necessarily want an outing, but they aren’t open minded. I’m guilty of the same in the past so I stopped. No one is forcing me to go on a date. It’s okay to not want to date someone who responds so slowly. I can’t get any rapport going so I just ignore those people now. 

 

[Lamron300]

3 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

To the bolded, if this thread were your profile, to be 100% fair, someone might say the same about you! I just am being honest. I don't know why you think people aren't going to be judging you similarly in the same way you're getting vibes, for example with this woman, and coming to conclusions--whether on the app or on the date. The SAME thing is happening and I would guess people at this very point in time would come to very similar conclusions about you. 

I agree with the other part but not about giving off vibes. I never speak about my relationships and own mention my businesses when asked what I do for work. Obviously I don’t know how I come across but let me give you a break down of the date.

She is a teacher and spent most of the date talking about her career. I only commented a few times on my history as she was speaking so much. She said she was driven out of one school because of a false rumour of her being a home wrecker. I could only get in a little flirty humour that they were jealous of her amazing fringe. The topics she was bringing were so serious and sometimes I just want to listen to people. 
 

As I said before I can start going gym everyday, glamorous holidays and social activities but I don’t want to forget about my responsibilities. I am trying to get a balance. 

You are right, I can’t avoid disappointment but I want to avoid people who I feel don’t reciprocate the effort. Long response times; not asking questions about me or flirting then me magically thinking things will be different in person. I do feel I am getting all the blame. 

[glows]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

That’s the problem, logistically it is difficult. Another woman I am speaking to online who expressed interest in a date is on holiday for 1 week (till this Saturday). So I have no choice but to speak longer. Again, we are having a nice pleasant conversation with some light teasing but nothing overly flirty. I actually nearly swiped left on her profile as it seemed so sarcastic but she is actually very genuine and said it’s just a joke. 
 

I don’t live in London anymore (live 25 minutes on train after driving to a station 20 minutes away). Because I work for myself to even go on a date I need to know in advance and arrange my calendar accordingly. The app rarely matches me with people who live close by, which means I have to put in a lot of effort to even arrive at a date. 
 

What I am trying to say is because of work and logistics it is very hard to speak for only a few days then meet. This would be optimum to avoid wasting my time or theirs. 
 

Also, four women have given me their mobile numbers off the app, which I haven’t asked for. What I wanted to avoid this time is filling my contacts with people who ‘could’ve been’ and ending up just having to block people if it doesn’t work out. If people can communicate on the app I am fine with that and then if date goes well we then exchange numbers. 

That’s fine. Why can’t anyone drive out and meet you halfway? Are you picking people who can’t commute or are unwilling to? You’re screening for someone who pulls half the weight at least in commuting. Remember your ex was virtually your dependent as she both worked for you (was your employee), you handled the finances, she lived with you and you supported her. She still has her items in your storage! And you are paying to store her things that she hasn’t even approached you once about (irresponsible). 

Screen for more flexible dates with the means and ability to date YOU too, not just you always doing all the work. I have a strong feeling you’re going for a particular type of woman and repeating the same patterns.

Take it easy on the dates. You’ve had some good advice so far from the others. Keep telling yourself this isn’t about your ex but you can learn from the past. Try not to be overly emotionally invested even in the light flirty texts. 

[ShyViolet]

18 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Dating is a big deal to me as I have to take a lot of time out, which is okay as you need to put effort. However, how do you get the balance? I only really want to go on a date with someone who really thinks it could work and not see it as an outing where it is unlikely it ever would have worked. 

Dating doesn't work this way.  It sounds like you are basically saying "I don't want to waste my time going on dates with people who aren't going to be a match for me, I only want to go on dates with people who I am a match with and it can lead to a relationship."  That is literally not how it works.  If you want to embark on dating, you will probably go on dates with many people who it ends up not being a match with.  There's no crystal ball that can tell you that in advance.  You need to take it all in stride, and if you go on a date that goes nowhere and doesn't lead to a second or third date, that's okay, it's not the end of the world.  There's no need to over-analyze it so much.  Just get over it and move on.  If you don't want to go through all this, then that's fine, just simply admit that you aren't ready for dating right now.

[Lotsgoingon]

If you feel like dating is sacrifice, then you're doing it wrong.

Keep first dates short. One hour max. Can be half an hour. Drinks or coffee or walk around a park. All you want to do is see if you want to go out on a second date. That's all. 

Cut all the texting. It's a colossal waste of time. I'm a teacher. My students text to procrastinate on school work. They'll text for multiple days, hours each, being witty as hell--and then drop it because they were just throwing out words. Now they need to study. Or they take a break realize, they've said all they want to say. No need to go out.

Ask them out for brief meeting. Set it up ... maybe send reminder a day ahead or early same day and that's it! Converse in person. You can't really tell how a person is through texting.  So you don't need to micro-read the profiles. Some people write bad profiles. Some people take bad  photos or misleadingly good photos. Lightly screen for serial killers and if there is some interest, offer to meet them. Don't assume you must do the work. If the date is disrupting your schedule, then shorten the date or change the meeting location of the date. 

Five weeks is not enough time to date with balance, seems to me. And if you're getting resentment over dates not turning into love, that means the rest of your life is out of balance. You need more fun, more social connections beyond just a gf. A gf does not solve all our social needs. There's a lot of confusion about. 

Let yourself grieve for now ... read some books on relationships ... start with this great Mark Manson article ... just google it ... It's called "F@#* Yes or no." Spell out the ""f" word and the rest of the title and google it ... it's a classic on how to date, and has links to other excellent articles. 

You're working too hard. You want to date in a way that fits your life. Low investment early on ... until you think the relationship is worthy of more investment. And learn to distinguish a good conversation for real romantic interest ... 

[Lamron300]

9 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Five weeks is not enough time to date with balance, seems to me. And if you're getting resentment over dates not turning into love, that means the rest of your life is out of balance. You need more fun, more social connections beyond just a gf. A gf does not solve all our social needs. There's a lot of confusion about. 

Let yourself grieve for now ... read some books on relationships ... start with this great Mark Manson article ... just google it ... It's called "F@#* Yes or no." Spell out the ""f" word and the rest of the title and google it ... it's a classic on how to date, and has links to other excellent articles. 

You're working too hard. You want to date in a way that fits your life. Low investment early on ... until you think the relationship is worthy of more investment. And learn to distinguish a good conversation for real romantic interest ... 

Hi,

Thank you for your response. I wouldn't say resentment is the correct word, I just feel disappointed. I don't believe with this particular dating, looking back at our conversations that there was any romantic intent on her part.  All my flirtation didn't really hit home the way it usually does. 

A lot of people have given the suggestions of a short date, which is a good idea if you live very close by. Most of my dates are an hour away (yes you can meet halfway but theres more to do in London than where I live). Also I have never been on a short date, except if it was bad and I still can't remember less than 1.5 hours.

Like I said, I'm speaking to a woman who I get along with but she just seems content messaging and not meeting. I have tried but then doesn't really happen. I tried to stop messaging then she said are you ok? I am not intense so I don't want to be like 'look lets just meet instead of being pen pals etc etc'

Also as I said above, I don't want peoples numbers as if things don't work out my phone is just full of random people. I am happy to stick to the app, but people say they don't like going on the app, here is my number. 

I understand not every date can turn into something, but there has to be a way to ensure better dates. If someone isn't asking questions from the beginning (like my date) even online, then I guess to stop contact.  

[Lamron300]

18 hours ago, glows said:

Screen for more flexible dates with the means and ability to date YOU too, not just you always doing all the work. I have a strong feeling you’re going for a particular type of woman and repeating the same patterns.

Take it easy on the dates. You’ve had some good advice so far from the others. Keep telling yourself this isn’t about your ex but you can learn from the past. Try not to be overly emotionally invested even in the light flirty texts. 

Thank you. I want to take it easy but because I realised my past relationship was so bad (all the red flags were there from month 2) I feel getting out there and dating is better than sitting at home and moping. I know I can socialise and get hobbies outside of dating, but I still feel dating will somehow come into the picture.

I don't want to seem blunt but when people say low investment, short dates.. its hard on OLD. If after a day of speaking online, I say 'Do you want to meet for a quick coffee', I'm not sure how it will go down. I am overthinking and overanalyzing things. I am speaking like I haven't been on many dates before. I'm thinking about successful dates and unsuccessful dates and why they turned out that way.

[Lamron300]

In my past relationship I got into a sense of false security. I didn't have much of a social life but because my partner lived with me and worked with me someone was always 'there'. I found out her character in the end and I understand it wasn't meant to be at all. But now it is over I am trying to do 1000 things at once. Date, take on hobbies and balance work. 

At the end of the date she did a awkward hug and said nice meeting you and walked off. I felt 1000 times worse than if I hadn't go on the date, so I then questioned myself. I don't think it was the date, I think the chemistry wasn't there even before the date. I then convinced myself to pursue the date because it is at least socialising and trying. On the other hand, as you say you can't 100% match someone without meeting. 

I am hanging out with a good friend of mine today and it makes me think. He is in the same position regarding dating but he is struggling financially. I am good financially but struggling with dating. I am framing everything so negatively when things don't work out.  

[glows]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Thank you. I want to take it easy but because I realised my past relationship was so bad (all the red flags were there from month 2) I feel getting out there and dating is better than sitting at home and moping. I know I can socialise and get hobbies outside of dating, but I still feel dating will somehow come into the picture.

I don't want to seem blunt but when people say low investment, short dates.. its hard on OLD. If after a day of speaking online, I say 'Do you want to meet for a quick coffee', I'm not sure how it will go down. I am overthinking and overanalyzing things. I am speaking like I haven't been on many dates before. I'm thinking about successful dates and unsuccessful dates and why they turned out that way.

 

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

In my past relationship I got into a sense of false security. I didn't have much of a social life but because my partner lived with me and worked with me someone was always 'there'. I found out her character in the end and I understand it wasn't meant to be at all. But now it is over I am trying to do 1000 things at once. Date, take on hobbies and balance work. 

At the end of the date she did a awkward hug and said nice meeting you and walked off. I felt 1000 times worse than if I hadn't go on the date, so I then questioned myself. I don't think it was the date, I think the chemistry wasn't there even before the date. I then convinced myself to pursue the date because it is at least socialising and trying. On the other hand, as you say you can't 100% match someone without meeting. 

I am hanging out with a good friend of mine today and it makes me think. He is in the same position regarding dating but he is struggling financially. I am good financially but struggling with dating. I am framing everything so negatively when things don't work out.  

It’s the natural process of healing. You know making comparisons and comparing ourselves to others, comparing present to past to this extent and detail are all part of the human experience? No other species does it better than we do. We’re masters at comparing things. 

Dating can be confusing and frustrating without a recent break up but you’re doing it just after one. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that but it will be overwhelming like you’re experiencing now. She’s just one out of millions. I think many do tend to go on longer dates and sometimes the coffee date or drink goes on for longer than an hour and that’s fine too. More mature potential dates aren’t going to be chit chatting for longer than a day before meeting. Most people are aware online talk is just talk - totally meaningless without seeing one another face to face first.

Go into these things with an open mind and know what works for you. As I was saying earlier, don’t do all the work or keep going for types of people who aren’t willing to meet you half way or have no means to date or drive out to see you either. If you like that dynamic that’s ok but be mindful of burn out. You know what didn’t work the last time with your ex. Don’t repeat the same things. 

[Versacehottie]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I am framing everything so negatively when things don't work out.  

yeah this ^^^^....I hope you mean that as a step in the right direction.  Each person has advantages and disadvantages when it comes to dating or life in general.  For example, you keep complaining about work being a time suck but then if you see it differently, you have the luxury as the owner of your own company to set your own schedule to an extent. If your friend works for someone else, he doesn't have that luxury. Small example but hopefully it will set you on the right track of being able to see some POSITIVES in your life. If you cannot see positives about your life, your situation, your overall position relative to others in dating market and life, you absolutely cannot present yourself to others as a good person to date. I could debate your idea that you are not "sharing" your internal feelings with your potential dates to death---you think you are able to hide it and conceal it and that is just not reality. Almost all the time a person's internal state is reflected in their body language, sentence syntax, the things they choose talk about, what they DON'T talk about as well, the words they choose to use in describing anything, their tone, etc etc. Trust me you are not hiding it. Giving some leeway here because I know you are being more open with us than you would be with a date, but don't make me go back and bold all the ways in which, your thought processes and sentence and word choices reflect how you are feeling mentally and your thought process overall (maybe ingrained, hopefully just a sort of temporary or conditional state). I promise you in the outside world, on a date, I would bet anything that you are not concealing your internal state.

I agree with whomever said you have resentment. Yes that is there as well. 

Please go back and read this thread...your own words, not necessarily the responses. You have an excuse for everything. Every condition, every scenario, you are looking only outward rather than inward. It's both a passive and defensive stance. I get being defensive to an extent but at the same time it leaves you stuck and also lets all of us and anyone looking to date you that you are either A) still reeling from the breakup B) this is the negative way you process the world and it's not attractive--always looking to place blame, inflexible, not taking  responsibility, playing the victim.  It's a tough way to present in life--and would be a real uphill battle as a dating prospect. Definitely would set you up for a repeat scenario where someone uses you, etc. If you make yourself the victim, people will victimize you. 

About responsibility, I mean personal responsibility. This doesn't mean blaming yourself--well I don't mean in to blame yourself in talking about it here. I mean accept that certain situations are as they are--present themselves to you in the way they do--and THEN use what you can do and what is special about you to manage yourself in those situations. It's a lot more empowering and should serve to increase your confidence when you start viewing life that way and living that way.  I would highly challenge you to go back through your thought process and the conclusions you are making about it and take more personal responsibility and thus different conclusions and a different outlook on how/what/why happened and how you might do that date differently on your part (the only part you can change in life) and how you might take a lesson from that date and apply it to other future dates...for yourself only. Wishing the world and people in it were differently is both delusional and too controlling...it's also too random to count on it happening. You think there is a magical weed out process where you can ask a magical question or look for particular red flags and can avoid failed dates--which is sort of a needle in a haystack. Maybe a much more successful strategy is to be the guy who gives good date no matter what by who you are and then YOU have the power of choice of whether to go on a second date when the majority of women would like you then. I'll be honest right now, I think it will take some personal self work that you have to do and be willing to shift your mindset. If you want to whinge and whine and just need coddling, then you are clearly not ready to date. If you really want constructive help, you have to be willing to do some personal changing. I forgot, you said you were in therapy right? I think you should move past complaining about your ex and breakup  in those sessions and start working on yourself and your thought patterns. So many things to keep trying to pound it into your head but I'll leave it there.

Edited February 23, 2023 by Versacehottie

[Lotsgoingon]

You can break out of some of your "rules" that are blocking you.

So you stop contacting a woman. She then says "are you ok?" That's your cue. "I'm good, but I am looking to date someone, and I don't think that's what you're interested in, so I stopped contacting you."

That's a REAL answer. You need to move towards more real answers, not "I can't do this" answers. Yes, you can. You're not doing anything wrong--so tell that woman exactly what's going on. Heck she might be interested in getting together more. Or not.

If you insist on going on 1.5 hour dates, then you want to shift to seeing date as its own goal--not a part of creating a relationship. 

[Calmandfocused]

Lamron 

My advice is that you stop dating immediately. You’re not ready and you are emotionally unavailable. 
 

You can’t run away from the fact that you are still grieving your relationship. It’s only been 5 weeks, why are you in such a rush? Give yourself a chance to adjust.

You’re not being kind to yourself right now.
 

Another point ; on the presumption that you’re openly telling these women that you’ve only just come out of a relationship serious daters will not take you seriously. How can they ? You’re in no position to get into another relationship. 
 

 

 

[basil67]

On 2/23/2023 at 1:07 AM, Lamron300 said:

I don’t want to blame my date, but I don’t feel she was very open minded going into the date. If I feel someone is just talking about themselves and I’m asking all the questions, then I should just stop. 
 

I'm the one who raised the issue of her not asking questions, but I feel you're reading far more into it than is warranted.  Most certainly, having it in the same paragraph as not being "open minded".   Thing is, her not asking questions does not suggest that she was not truly interested in you when she agreed to the date.  What it does suggest is poor social skills and social awareness.  I feel like I'm finding a lack of two sided conversations more and more often in general social situations...though I do suspect that it's confirmation bias on my part.    

All in all though, I agree that you need to take a break.  You're wanting OLD to deliver far more than is reasonable.  And you're just getting angrier and more negative because your expectations of OLD are unrealistic.  With this current mindset, you will not succeed

[Lamron300]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You can break out of some of your "rules" that are blocking you.

So you stop contacting a woman. She then says "are you ok?" That's your cue. "I'm good, but I am looking to date someone, and I don't think that's what you're interested in, so I stopped contacting you." 

Thank you. I find it difficult as we haven’t even met so I find it not necessary to ‘reject’ someone. She told me she doesn’t like the app we met on as she gets abusive messages. I asked why she didn’t tell me to go on WhatsApp. She said because I didn’t ask for her WhatsApp. She’s told me she lacks confidence and again that’s a red flag. I’ve learnt from this forum not to go for the same people again and again. It doesn’t end well. I don’t want to ghost her but she doesn’t seem to want to meet but talk endlessly, so I guess I do have to say what you said. 

[Lamron300]

3 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Lamron 

My advice is that you stop dating immediately. You’re not ready and you are emotionally unavailable. 

You’re not being kind to yourself right now.
 

Another point ; on the presumption that you’re openly telling these women that you’ve only just come out of a relationship serious daters will not take you seriously. How can they ? You’re in no position to get into another relationship. 
 

 

 

Hi,

it’s a weird one. The reason I feel ready to date is I am not sad/heartbroken about my relationship just angry. She used me terribly and we were never compatible. I blame myself as if I asked the right questions from the beginning and had the guts to actually stand by what I wanted, the relationship wouldn’t have been 2.5 years. I just want to move past it. The only thing tying us together is her stuff keeps arriving at my house. In 5/6 weeks since the breakup she hasn’t even tried to retrieve her stuff! I don’t even know where she is right now. 

No one has asked about my relationship, I’m not sure what I would say actually. Probably I was in something and it didn’t work out.

 

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

it’s a weird one. The reason I feel ready to date is I am not sad/heartbroken about my relationship just angry. 

Problem is, your anger is emerging now as impatience and assumption.  You're actually sounding angry and frustrated about just one date which didn't work out.  This isn't the mindset you need if you wish to be going the route of OLD.  

Edited February 23, 2023 by basil67

[Lamron300]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Problem is, your anger is emerging now as impatience and assumption.  You're actually sounding angry and frustrated about just one date which didn't work out.  This isn't the mindset you need if you wish to be going the route of OLD.  

I am more angry with myself than my date. The interest wasn’t there on her part from the beginning. As I also said I won’t be meeting people who say they enjoy meeting new people. There is nothing wrong in that mindset but for me it seems to be a mindset of plentiful ness and as you said that’s why I’m probably not cut out for OLD. It’s just that’s how a lot of people meet these days. 

As you said as my past relationship was bad I feel impatient, I just want to get to the greener grass! But it’s not something that can’t be rushed to. 
 

My problem is all these events are bringing back things from the past I had got over and don’t care about. For example, 6 years ago someone I met on OLD was using the app behind my back even though I thought we were exclusive. When I caught her she denied it and then later admitted it and ‘deleted’ it. Whilst I don’t care about this anymore it reminds me.. even if the date had gone successfully it doesn’t mean that the relationship would have progressed, things can still happen. I am trying not to be negative but guarded. I feel I am very mature and I don’t care about attention but I know people in the past have. If I asked the lady I referred to about 6 years ago why she did what she did, the reality is she liked the attention and feeling wanted and when you settle down that goes. I don’t have that mindset so I end up getting ‘used’ and more angry as you said. 

[Lamron300]

And as you guys have pointed out I am putting so much focus on a gf as a social outlet. Today I went virtual reality gaming with a friend, it was so much fun. I haven’t been out with friends in ages. When I was with my ex partner she worked and lived with me so I neglected socialising. I didn’t even buy new clothes as all I did was work and walk my dog. Now I’m 29 and living outside London away from most of my friends I am starting to panic how to meet new friends. I then put socialising hopes on meeting a gf. That’s where I’m going wrong time and time again.

Also, since the breakup I’ve found my concentration is horrible. I am not charging my camera for work a lot of the time, I’m handing in work late etc. The dilemma is running my own business I can’t do a 9-5. Clients rely on me for their house purchasing decisions and they can be incredibly emotional and demanding. I want to find a balance in my life. What I want is to join sports clubs and pursue some of my interests. Fit things in around work and looking after my dog. As people have rightly said getting a gf wouldn’t solve all my issues. 

[Versacehottie]

as you get more ready for dating--I'd say you are not ready now--you should try to meet someone via dog activities like a dog park or dog training class (i'm sure others can add more dog friendly activities where it's possible to meet people). That way you will effectively spend your time, ie by doing something you enjoy regardless and would be doing regardless, such as walking/playing with/attending to your dog. Also you would meet like-minded women who would be more likely to appreciate your lifestyle and vice versa. Lastly, you would be able to start up with these women in a friendship way and get to know them a little better before outright dating (though one doesn't have to do that). I feel like it would give you more of a chance to date in this type of environment.

*it's still not a "guarantee" but until you accept that you will be negative and disappointed about dating.  This is one way to optimize for your time and whittle down the choices of who you are meeting to have similar interests/values. 

BTW, it doesn't even need to be a formal class--though that might speed things up with the right girl & give you a chance to build rapport---but anyway, with a dog people stop to talk to other dog owners all the time and definitely a dating opening line to some girl on the street or in the park. I know lots of people who this was a starting point for and also for whom it's really important and will appreciate that it's important to you and a big part of your life.