Just went on first proper date since breakup. it didn't go well!

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I am more angry with myself than my date. The interest wasn’t there on her part from the beginning. As I also said I won’t be meeting people who say they enjoy meeting new people. 

Why are you angry with yourself?   She seemed like a person worth meeting and so you took a chance.  This is what OLD is about.

Also, that she wasn't interested is the assumption which I was referring to.  You don't know for a fact that she wasn't interested in the beginning. You don't know that 'enjoying meeting new people' means that she's not open to a relationship with the right person.  And her not flirting before the date is not that strange - how can one get a flirty vibe if they've only chatted on the apps for a bit and never met in person?   And FWIW, you actually do sound angry and frustrated about this one date ....or at least I hope it's one date and this isn't your baseline

5 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

 My problem is all these events are bringing back things from the past I had got over and don’t care about. For example, 6 years ago someone I met on OLD was using the app behind my back even though I thought we were exclusive. When I caught her she denied it and then later admitted it and ‘deleted’ it. Whilst I don’t care about this anymore it reminds me.. even if the date had gone successfully it doesn’t mean that the relationship would have progressed, things can still happen. I am trying not to be negative but guarded. I feel I am very mature and I don’t care about attention but I know people in the past have. If I asked the lady I referred to about 6 years ago why she did what she did, the reality is she liked the attention and feeling wanted and when you settle down that goes. I don’t have that mindset so I end up getting ‘used’ and more angry as you said. 

I understand that this would have been upsetting at the time, is it really something to be hanging onto six years later?  

[Versacehottie]

5 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Today I went virtual reality gaming with a friend, it was so much fun.

This is great! Stuff like this makes YOU more fun to date and will spill over into your dating life, such as when people ask "what did you do yesterday?" or "what do you have coming up this week?"

If you are too busy with work & IIRC you do something with house appraisals, you are probably growing your business to the point of where you should take on some help. You have to spend money to make money. You previously mentioned that your ex "worked" for you, so unless you replaced her you are short-handed in the workplace and you previously mentioned that you enjoyed the company of having someone around during the workday (that could be a little tricker since you'd be the person's boss but I think you should do it). IMO, if you are 29 and rarely go out or socialize virtually never, your life is imbalanced and it could be part of what is contributing to your negative mindset and all the limitations you see vs possibilities and opportunities. Again, personal responsibility, create opportunity where you notice an issue or problem. Right now you have a time issue and getting help would/should alleviate some of it.

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Why are you angry with yourself?   She seemed like a person worth meeting and so you took a chance.  This is what OLD is about.

I understand that this would have been upsetting at the time, is it really something to be hanging onto six years later?  

I am angry with myself because I saw things I didn’t like but because I’m impatient I jumped at it. Online she didn’t ask any questions about me so why would I expect different in real life. It gave me dilemmas as to what to say next. What’s your favourite kind of musical (she answers) and doesn’t ask me the same question.. I then think of that topic is dead. Also I’ve never been on a successful date where there hasn’t been flirting before hand. Nothing major but for example she drank a lot of alcohol last week and I joked that she was just trying to calm her nerves before meeting me. She said “what nerves? I don’t get nervous about meeting new people”. I must have said that playful flirty like a million times and never had such a deadpan answer. 
 

What I am saying to you is I wasn’t getting any vibes of good chemistry prior to the date but still went ahead with it out of impatience. There’s other little things that were said but I don’t want to labour my point. 
 

I’m not hanging onto it six years late it’s just a reference point. What I am trying to say is I can use OLD and do my best but you can’t control other people’s actions. I would rather not bother with OLD but my social life isn’t great at the moment so that’s only way I’m meeting people. 

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

This is great! Stuff like this makes YOU more fun to date and will spill over into your dating life, such as when people ask "what did you do yesterday?" or "what do you have coming up this week?"

Thank you, I do need to look into that. It’s hard as the property market in the UK isn’t great right now so I don’t want to hire someone with this uncertainty. It is something I am considering strongly but I need to just test the waters. 
 

I like doing fun things, I’m not an introvert or anything. I lived with my gf for two years so I neglected social life and taken on new activities. I need a balance though. A lot of my friends have good social lives and no money. I have money but poor social life. 
 

You mentioned good ideas about dog classes, I’m also thinking of taking on Jiu Jitsu.

I am filled with a lot of anger at the moment. I didn’t want to mention my ex but it obviously impacts this. She mentioned numerous times during our relationship that it’s only MY name on MY business which she contributed nothing to, trying to manipulate me or make me feel bad. She also wanted to be on the mortgage even though we aren’t married or engaged or have kids together. She never gave me a penny. That’s why I am so keen to move on. I think of all the things she did to me that a normal person would have run a mile ages ago. I stayed on for so long. That’s why I now have a complex about wasting my time. One bad date seems bigger than it is. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

I am angry with myself because I saw things I didn’t like but because I’m impatient I jumped at it. Online she didn’t ask any questions about me so why would I expect different in real life. It gave me dilemmas as to what to say next. What’s your favourite kind of musical (she answers) and doesn’t ask me the same question.. I then think of that topic is dead.

No, you're declaring it dead too early.  If they don't think to ask you what you listen to, there's no reason you can't hold up your end of the conversation a bit longer and see if they bite

Lamron: So, what kind of music do you like?

Girl: I like X and Y.  I and I'm looking forward to seeing Z live soon.

Lamron: give commentary on what she said and then offer up what you've been listening to

At this point, if she doesn't acknowledge what you've said, then the conversation is dead.  But equally she may be interested and continue the conversation

 

Edit to add: being angry with yourself is a pretty intense reaction.  I would think that a more moderate reaction of being disappointed or frustrated with yourself would be more warranted

Edited February 24, 2023 by basil67

[Kassieee]

So freshly out of a relationship I think you need to step back and breathe. Your last relationship hit your self esteem, you're taking this rejection way too personal. You're going to be rejected when you are dating around until you find the one, that's normal and you're not the only one.

 

[Versacehottie]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

If they don't think to ask you what you listen to, there's no reason you can't hold up your end of the conversation a bit longer and see if they bite

exactly!!! totally agree. There's an element of needing to be a great...ok even good or just decent conversationalist to have good dates/social interactions.If you are only waiting for and calculating the tits for tats (haha) you are going to be constantly disappointed and boring yourself.  You need a tougher skin and more flexibility in this specific area for sure.  Be a good conversationalist yourself and bring the best of yourself to a date in terms of being an interesting and engaging person and if then the other person can't keep up, warm up, engage with you, the power of choice is yours. Again, this is another aspect of personal responsibility. BTW, most guys aren't off pouting "well she didn't ask me any questions"  !!!! especially on the first date or first app interactions. 

[Lamron300]

On 2/24/2023 at 1:25 AM, basil67 said:

No, you're declaring it dead too early.  If they don't think to ask you what you listen to, there's no reason you can't hold up your end of the conversation a bit longer and see if they bite

 

 

Edit to add: being angry with yourself is a pretty intense reaction.  I would think that a more moderate reaction of being disappointed or frustrated with yourself would be more warranted

Thank you. So funnily enough I did say what you said and I said I like going to musicals but none of my friends do as they don’t think it’s manly. She said I’ll go with you! Then she said actually I shouldn’t make such declarations before we’ve met. 
 

A valid statement by her, but  again very negative. It would have been better not to say the original statement. 
 

I felt a lot of anger at myself after the date because I put a lot of effort into the meeting. That day I had a terrible migraine and work was long, but I made sure I was on time. This isn’t her fault because the context of this is me taking everything so seriously after a breakup. As others have said I need to be more relaxed about dating and have patience. I don’t lack confidence at all, what I do lack confidence in is the fact I’ll meet someone on OLD. It’s been a ten year experiment and met lots of people but ultimately no one suitable. I then get overwhelmed as I think I now need to take on 1000 hobbies and get into different social circles to meet people.

I don’t want to make the same mistake as last time, meet someone and not post on here for two years because I think everything is now all good. I’ve seen this is a lifelong process of learning. I keep making the same mistakes. Namely, putting in more effort than someone else. 

[Lamron300]

19 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

exactly!!! totally agree. There's an element of needing to be a great...ok even good or just decent conversationalist to have good dates/social interactions.If you are only waiting for and calculating the tits for tats (haha) you are going to be constantly disappointed and boring yourself.  You need a tougher skin and more flexibility in this specific area for sure.  Be a good conversationalist yourself and bring the best of yourself to a date in terms of being an interesting and engaging person and if then the other person can't keep up, warm up, engage with you, the power of choice is yours. Again, this is another aspect of personal responsibility. BTW, most guys aren't off pouting "well she didn't ask me any questions"  !!!! especially on the first date or first app interactions. 

I did those things. I couldn’t get a word in (that’s just a fact). She refurbished her flat and I refurbished my house, I let her talk and when I then talked about my refurbishment she didn’t seem too interested.

She also talked about how when she was 21 a 30 year old colleague tried to hit on her and then she got labelled a home wrecker. It was a very serious topic for a date and when I tried to stir it away from that, she wouldn’t budge. 
 

We were by the river and we had previously joked how she was a swimming teacher and I can’t swim. I said to her oops you’re gonna have to save me if I get in there.. she was like nope you’re on your own. Very deadpan serious way. 
 

I know what you’re going to say is my personal responsibility but I didn’t do anything differently to other successful dates. I also wasn’t happy with the chemistry going into the date but still proceeded to go on it. Just like the mistake I made with my ex I feel that I can always turn a situation around and get people to share my viewpoint, it’s not realistic.

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Thank you. So funnily enough I did say what you said and I said I like going to musicals but none of my friends do as they don’t think it’s manly. She said I’ll go with you! Then she said actually I shouldn’t make such declarations before we’ve met. 
 

A valid statement by her, but  again very negative. It would have been better not to say the original statement. 

She said it, then likely realised it sounded as though she was holding you to future commitments when you hadn't even met yet, so she walked it back. Why do you see it as a begative when you could just as easily see it as a strong positive (she likes musicals, too)?

 

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

We were by the river and we had previously joked how she was a swimming teacher and I can’t swim. I said to her oops you’re gonna have to save me if I get in there.. she was like nope you’re on your own. Very deadpan serious way. 

So you truly believe that she would let you drown?  Is that realistic?  Or is it more realistic that her deadpan was sarcasm/humor? 

I think perhaps you are not ready to date until you are better able to go with the flow and not react to every statement your date makes that isn't perfectly phrased.  It's a first meeting and people are nervous.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I did those things. I couldn’t get a word in (that’s just a fact). She refurbished her flat and I refurbished my house, I let her talk and when I then talked about my refurbishment she didn’t seem too interested.

She also talked about how when she was 21 a 30 year old colleague tried to hit on her and then she got labelled a home wrecker. It was a very serious topic for a date and when I tried to stir it away from that, she wouldn’t budge. 
 

We were by the river and we had previously joked how she was a swimming teacher and I can’t swim. I said to her oops you’re gonna have to save me if I get in there.. she was like nope you’re on your own. Very deadpan serious way. 
 

I know what you’re going to say is my personal responsibility but I didn’t do anything differently to other successful dates. I also wasn’t happy with the chemistry going into the date but still proceeded to go on it. Just like the mistake I made with my ex I feel that I can always turn a situation around and get people to share my viewpoint, it’s not realistic.

It's okay if the conversation doesn't go exactly as you had hoped - sometimes it takes time to find common ground and build a connection.

Moving forward, it may be helpful to reflect on what you're looking for in a partner and what qualities are important to you. It may also be helpful to approach future dates with an open mind and a willingness to listen and learn about the other person, rather than focusing solely on trying to impress or persuade them.

[Lamron300]

18 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

She said it, then likely realised it sounded as though she was holding you to future commitments when you hadn't even met yet, so she walked it back. Why do you see it as a begative when you could just as easily see it as a strong positive (she likes musicals, too)?

 

So you truly believe that she would let you drown?  Is that realistic?  Or is it more realistic that her deadpan was sarcasm/humor? 

I think perhaps you are not ready to date until you are better able to go with the flow and not react to every statement your date makes that isn't perfectly phrased.  It's a first meeting and people are nervous.

Thank you for your response. After she said that I said, why do you think I’m going to be a psycho? She said haha well you never know! I said you’ll be alright I have most of my marbles. She said haha well it’s about finding which ones are lost. Again, it came across as negative. I also said above about teasing her she drank a lot the week before she met me as she was nervous to meet me. She very seriously answered saying I’m never nervous to meet new people. 
 

it’s not about me hearing what I want to hear. It is I don’t feel she was open prior to meeting. What did she do to try and achieve a romantic spark? Yes it’s something that’s natural but when I look back on things I never should’ve asked her out on the date. I magically thought not being flirty on text despite my best attempts she would suddenly be more receptive in real life.

I am making too much of a big deal about it but I’m trying to be more clinical in my interactions with people now. There are tons of things which may be pleasant/nice but doesn’t equal a relationship which is my ultimate goal. OLD is different to the real world but being busy I utilise OLD a lot. 

[Lamron300]

31 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It's okay if the conversation doesn't go exactly as you had hoped - sometimes it takes time to find common ground and build a connection.

Moving forward, it may be helpful to reflect on what you're looking for in a partner and what qualities are important to you. It may also be helpful to approach future dates with an open mind and a willingness to listen and learn about the other person, rather than focusing solely on trying to impress or persuade them.

Thank you. I understand it takes time to find common ground. 

I agree I feel I’m trying to impress/persuade without knowing. I am also wising up to things. For example a woman who I was speaking to on OLD takes a week to reply sometimes and the convo isn’t really flirty/romantic. I don’t want a repeat of my other date so I stopped responding. I don’t want to be resentful towards people I just accept not everything works. But I can prevent things. 
 

 

[Versacehottie]

7 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I did those things. I couldn’t get a word in (that’s just a fact). She refurbished her flat and I refurbished my house, I let her talk and when I then talked about my refurbishment she didn’t seem too interested.

She also talked about how when she was 21 a 30 year old colleague tried to hit on her and then she got labelled a home wrecker. It was a very serious topic for a date and when I tried to stir it away from that, she wouldn’t budge. 
 

We were by the river and we had previously joked how she was a swimming teacher and I can’t swim. I said to her oops you’re gonna have to save me if I get in there.. she was like nope you’re on your own. Very deadpan serious way. 
 

I know what you’re going to say is my personal responsibility but I didn’t do anything differently to other successful dates. I also wasn’t happy with the chemistry going into the date but still proceeded to go on it. Just like the mistake I made with my ex I feel that I can always turn a situation around and get people to share my viewpoint, it’s not realistic.

You are being too literal and rigid about it IMO. I do believe you that it was a "fact". It still is not optimal communication/conversation.  This is not about her being a poor conversationalist (she very well could be), it's about: are YOU maximizing your attractiveness and potential for connection through the way YOU communicate/hold a conversation. And your answer above shows me the framework in which you do it and I can tell you that's a NO. With the bolded you are exchanging information primarily and getting miffed, counting score when you don't have your turn or when it's not balanced in terms of time allowed to talk or questions asked--this is not the best way to "build" a connection. She could suck as well but if are doing your best then it's much easier to tell if she truly sucks. Right now, you are just waiting for her to stop talking to exchange your info and hope she gets interested in what you say. You can be much more engaging by building on what she says and going deep, showing your personality in the questions you ask, or way you engage in the course of listening to her story. 

I don't fault you for being annoyed that she went to serious topics and you couldn't steer her away from them.  So don't like her then. It's not a failed date if you got your answer. Sounds like if she talked about serious topics she saw you as a sympathetic and comforting person or maybe she is just heavy; maybe she saw you as long term potential bf otherwise she wouldn't have gone to a serious topic--but that is a key sign of trying to make a deeper connection in general...even if I agree with you that it's not ideal for a first date. To be fair, you seem pretty serious yourself (that would be one of my first reads on you) and it might be why you are getting that topic. The biggest point is not that you will be able to control what people say to you but how you deal with it when it happens. Like the second bolded, is good banter in my opinion. Who knows if she was dead serious or deadpan? Assuming it's the negative (which i would agree with if she didn't follow up the deadpan response with a subsequent joke or flirting banter), then you learned some valuable information that she is not for you. 

I think you are missing the bigger point i've been trying to make.  It's not about trying to make you defensive where you then come up with a ton of excuses to which she is the bad guy for this going wrong. Obviously the chemistry is off--that is the combining of two people. My point is no matter what there are things you can do which should up your attractiveness and magnetism on a date. I don't think you are maximizing yourself in ANY dating scenario if your ruminations here are an accurate reflection of your internal state. I'm asking you to be honest with yourself, not to keep explaining why she sucks. I believe you, she sucks, ok?  If your self-esteem where in a better place, you wouldn't have recounted or summed up the date the way you did. You wouldn't be considering knee jerk blanket statements for how to approach the next round of dating. Somehow internally, you'd be able to say to yourself: "I got this"; "she wasn't the one for me but I'm certain the right one is out there, if I'm willing to date to find her". 

Um, Im not sure what you mean about getting someone else to share your viewpoint.  That might be a thought process you have that is causing your dating to go off the rails. Your dates don't have to share your every viewpoint, roll with the conversation exactly in some predetermined script you have in your head or switch topics because you get uncomfortable or vice versa...the point is that you will like spending time with them often in spite of things going in a different way than you had imagined. 

Lastly, not sure where the narrative changed. I thought part of the story going into your story of the date was that you felt enough chemistry to go. Are you sure you are not revising it in retrospect, ie now saying she didn't ask you questions, etc? I'll have to go back to the beginning but I thought one of your complaints was that you'd put in a week's work with a good feeling about the person and then the date itself didn't live up to your expectations. To which, most of us have said you need to dial down your expectations. I don't think revising history and then making new parameters under which you have even MORE limiting dating conditions and belief system will be helpful. 

Overall, almost everything I'm saying is meant to open you up positively and to open yourself up to what could be rather than keep on the negative, limiting beliefs either about yourself or the dating pool.

[Versacehottie]

On 2/23/2023 at 3:50 PM, Lamron300 said:

Thank you, I do need to look into that. It’s hard as the property market in the UK isn’t great right now so I don’t want to hire someone with this uncertainty. It is something I am considering strongly but I need to just test the waters. 
 

I like doing fun things, I’m not an introvert or anything. I lived with my gf for two years so I neglected social life and taken on new activities. I need a balance though. A lot of my friends have good social lives and no money. I have money but poor social life. 
 

You mentioned good ideas about dog classes, I’m also thinking of taking on Jiu Jitsu.

I am filled with a lot of anger at the moment. I didn’t want to mention my ex but it obviously impacts this. She mentioned numerous times during our relationship that it’s only MY name on MY business which she contributed nothing to, trying to manipulate me or make me feel bad. She also wanted to be on the mortgage even though we aren’t married or engaged or have kids together. She never gave me a penny. That’s why I am so keen to move on. I think of all the things she did to me that a normal person would have run a mile ages ago. I stayed on for so long. That’s why I now have a complex about wasting my time. One bad date seems bigger than it is. 

This is getting somewhere IMO. You are being at least realistic about your internal state and and that seems like it would be a good place to start so you can move forward productively. 

I like the Jiu Jitsu idea.

Ok if you are filled with anger...rather than keep chewing on it which is sort of what you are doing. Recognize it, like you did here and actively work to move past it. Find a substitute girlfriend to replace or bury those feelings as well as to take your angry self or negatively viewing self into the dating pool...from which you will continue to erroneously draw conclusions about yourself (impacting your confidence and self-esteem) and others is not the most productive or ideal way to go about it until you are at least dealing with your anger as it relates to dating or being "used".

Seconded bolded is what lots of people have been telling you on this thread.  So now if you recognize that and realize it, don't perpetuate it but coming up with falsehoods of how you can perfectly weed out unsuitable people, minimize your dating time/effort yet have perfect or "successful" results or other knee jerk reactions you've mentioned here. One bad date seems bigger than it is..is your own internal thought process telling you to lower your expectations, open yourself up to the possibilities and dial your sensitivity down.

I think the Jiu Jitsu will be a great step.

[Lamron300]

6 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

 

Um, Im not sure what you mean about getting someone else to share your viewpoint.  That might be a thought process you have that is causing your dating to go off the rails. Your dates don't have to share your every viewpoint, roll with the conversation exactly in some predetermined script you have in your head or switch topics because you get uncomfortable or vice versa...the point is that you will like spending time with them often in spite of things going in a different way than you had imagined. 

Lastly, not sure where the narrative changed. I thought part of the story going into your story of the date was that you felt enough chemistry to go. Are you sure you are not revising it in retrospect, ie now saying she didn't ask you questions, etc? I'll have to go back to the beginning but I thought one of your complaints was that you'd put in a week's work with a good feeling about the person and then the date itself didn't live up to your expectations. To which, most of us have said you need to dial down your expectations. I don't think revising history and then making new parameters under which you have even MORE limiting dating conditions and belief system will be helpful. 

Overall, almost everything I'm saying is meant to open you up positively and to open yourself up to what could be rather than keep on the negative, limiting beliefs either about yourself or the dating pool.

Thank you for your response. 
 

I’m not revising it, I said above I didn’t feel she was flirty/asking me questions from the beginning. I shouldn’t have asked her out. I asked her do you get in with your colleagues and she proceeded to tell me how a colleague saved her from the last person she dated off this app as he was asking out multiple women. That raised red flags for me as I didn’t know if there is some trauma there. My situation is different as I am angry at my ex but angry at myself as it was never ever going to work. As the therapist said my agenda and her agenda were different. I wouldn’t talk about it on a date as I don’t have to. 
 

I’m not sure it is coming across but my frustration is more at OLD than an individual. What I am experiencing is really normal for OLD. I am trying to find other ways of meeting people.

I’m feeling very impatient as I just want to move past the toxicity of my past relationship. I want to just get to know someone hang out and see what happens. OLD is a slow process, I’m acting like my life depends on it.

[Els]

On 2/22/2023 at 10:19 AM, Lamron300 said:

Today I had to work very very short hours to make sure I arrived to the date on time at 7.30pm

What time do you normally finish work?

I feel like if it's that big a deal for you to be able to "make it" to a 7.30pm date, unless it's far from home (especially considering that guys typically don't spend a lot of time getting dressed up), you might want to reconsider if you're really at the point of your life where you're ready to date and have a relationship again. It's possible that you might want to focus on your businesses for now, and then only start dating when you have more free time?

Yes, of course some people are in LTRs or married to people who are that busy. My husband worked 60 hrs a week for a few years, so I'm well aware of that. But the thing is, relationships need time together to grow, so if you're with a brand new person, it's going to be a lot harder to build a good foundation. Also, lots of people don't want to form a new relationship with a person whom they might only be able to have dinner with a couple of times a week.

[Lamron300]

6 minutes ago, Els said:

What time do you normally finish work?

I feel like if it's that big a deal for you to be able to "make it" to a 7.30pm date, unless it's far from home (especially considering that guys typically don't spend a lot of time getting dressed up), you might want to reconsider if you're really at the point of your life where you're ready to date and have a relationship again. It's possible that you might want to focus on your businesses for now, and then only start dating when you have more free time?

Yes, of course some people are in LTRs or married to people who are that busy. My husband worked 60 hrs a week for a few years, so I'm well aware of that. But the thing is, relationships need time together to grow, so if you're with a brand new person, it's going to be a lot harder to build a good foundation. Also, lots of people don't want to form a new relationship with a person whom they might only be able to have dinner with a couple of times a week.

Thank you for your reply. I can finish work when I want depending on if I have notice. A typical busy day I will start at 10am and finish at around 6/6.30. It depends how far I am driving for work that day. My ex partner asked to work for me so my business didn’t really impact the time we spent together.

I was broke at 26, then started my own business now I have money but not much time (burnt out? Overworked to buy and refurbish house). It’s hard to get balance. My friend who runs the same kind of business is doing terrible and is in a lot of debt. I am doing well but my personal life is not great. 

If the right person comes along I can make time. For example I can leave the house earlier to get to work. Or I can put fewer jobs on a particular day. 

Events such as the breakup have put me off business a bit as I haven’t been doing much but working. 

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

A typical busy day I will start at 10am and finish at around 6/6.30.

sorry, Lamron that is a pretty good schedule lol.. In fact, it doesn't get much better than that. I think you aren't managing your time well if you can't fit dating into that work schedule.

I would reiterate that you see obstacles when in fact you have opportunities. Meaning you aren't in the best headspace at the moment. Perhaps you like a slower pace of life but you absolutely squeeze in some social time into your schedule. Like anything we want in life, it usually takes some extra effort, time and planning. And those that are willing to do that have the advantage.

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Thank you. I understand it takes time to find common ground. 

I agree I feel I’m trying to impress/persuade without knowing. I am also wising up to things. For example a woman who I was speaking to on OLD takes a week to reply sometimes and the convo isn’t really flirty/romantic. I don’t want a repeat of my other date so I stopped responding. I don’t want to be resentful towards people I just accept not everything works. But I can prevent things. 
 

 

I feel when it comes to online dating, we have to temper our expectations. Not everyone will respond quickly or in the way we might hope for.

Overall, it sounds like you're learning from your experiences and making adjustments to improve your future interactions with others. Keep up the good work!

[Lamron300]

7 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

sorry, Lamron that is a pretty good schedule lol.. In fact, it doesn't get much better than that. I think you aren't managing your time well if you can't fit dating into that work schedule.

I would reiterate that you see obstacles when in fact you have opportunities. Meaning you aren't in the best headspace at the moment. Perhaps you like a slower pace of life but you absolutely squeeze in some social time into your schedule. Like anything we want in life, it usually takes some extra effort, time and planning. And those that are willing to do that have the advantage.

Sorry I meant to add that I then have to write up the reports when I get home which takes hours. So I’ll walk the dog, eat and then back to work. Since the breakup I’ve become unmotivated and I have 11 reports to write up. I’m going to try get some done today, hopefully.

[Lamron300]

6 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I feel when it comes to online dating, we have to temper our expectations. Not everyone will respond quickly or in the way we might hope for.

Overall, it sounds like you're learning from your experiences and making adjustments to improve your future interactions with others. Keep up the good work!

This is what is getting me down. I actually joined this forum in 2019 to ask about a bad OLD experience. I had three dates and three kisses with a woman and after third date she told me no spark. I was devastated. I look back now and think how could I be devastated after meeting someone only 3 times. Well because it is OLD. In the OLD world she was an incredibly good match for myself I thought. 
 

If I can find a way of meeting suitable women in real life without putting too much pressure on myself I will fill a lot better. What I’m thinking at the moment is get back into the gym, do jiu jitsu, try meet up with my friends more. Which is good, but I still have the responsibility of two businesses and looking after my dog. I don’t want to go too much the other way. Like my date said she goes out 2-4 times every week, I couldn’t do that. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

This is what is getting me down. I actually joined this forum in 2019 to ask about a bad OLD experience. I had three dates and three kisses with a woman and after third date she told me no spark. I was devastated. I look back now and think how could I be devastated after meeting someone only 3 times. Well because it is OLD. In the OLD world she was an incredibly good match for myself I thought. 
 

If I can find a way of meeting suitable women in real life without putting too much pressure on myself I will fill a lot better. What I’m thinking at the moment is get back into the gym, do jiu jitsu, try meet up with my friends more. Which is good, but I still have the responsibility of two businesses and looking after my dog. I don’t want to go too much the other way. Like my date said she goes out 2-4 times every week, I couldn’t do that. 

I had an experience where I only went on a few dates with someone over the course of a couple months and I got attached and devastated when it ended. This was meeting through a friend of a friend (not OLD). So it can definitely happen. Doesn't matter the vehicle.

It sounds like you have a good plan for meeting women in real life by getting back into the gym, doing jiu jitsu, and spending more time with your friends. These are all great ways to meet new people and potentially find someone who shares similar interests.

However, it's important to balance your social life with your other responsibilities, such as running your businesses and taking care of your dog. Going out 2-4 times a week may not be feasible for you, and that's okay. Everyone has different levels of energy and time availability.

Instead of putting pressure on yourself to go out a certain number of times per week, try to focus on quality over quantity. Make the most of the social opportunities you do have, whether it's a group workout class or grabbing drinks with friends. Be open to meeting new people, but don't feel like you have to force it.

Remember, finding a partner should enhance your life, not add more stress. Take care of yourself and your responsibilities, and trust that the right person will come along when the time is right.

[Lamron300]

10 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I had an experience where I only went on a few dates with someone over the course of a couple months and I got attached and devastated when it ended. This was meeting through a friend of a friend (not OLD). So it can definitely happen. Doesn't matter the vehicle.

It sounds like you have a good plan for meeting women in real life by getting back into the gym, doing jiu jitsu, and spending more time with your friends. These are all great ways to meet new people and potentially find someone who shares similar interests.

Remember, finding a partner should enhance your life, not add more stress. Take care of yourself and your responsibilities, and trust that the right person will come along when the time is right.

Thank you. I’ve arranged another date with someone for next Saturday. After my previous date I’m not sure how I feel. On paper we have a lot of shared interests but again it has been nice conversation no real flirting. As you said dating should be fun but it is stressing me out. I want to avoid any ‘negatives’ which doesn’t seem to be possible. 
 

Saturday is still 6 days away and I don’t know how to either enhance the rapport or see if there is a real connection prior to the date. I mean some people go OLD and not sure why. 

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Thank you. I’ve arranged another date with someone for next Saturday. After my previous date I’m not sure how I feel. On paper we have a lot of shared interests but again it has been nice conversation no real flirting. As you said dating should be fun but it is stressing me out. I want to avoid any ‘negatives’ which doesn’t seem to be possible. 
 

Saturday is still 6 days away and I don’t know how to either enhance the rapport or see if there is a real connection prior to the date. I mean some people go OLD and not sure why. 

Great to hear you're having another crack at it!

Unfortunately, the reason you're stressing out is because you're wanting something which isn't possible.  At this point, it's more about hoping for the best but also being realistic that you're meeting an absolute stranger and the odds of finding a mutual connection aren't terribly high.