Just went on first proper date since breakup. it didn't go well!

[Alpacalia]

It's great that you're so committed to your little nugget walking him every day for an hour.

One suggestion is as things progress you can have doggie dates and go on walks together!

 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

The law isn’t clear. It’s really stressing me out. She may not even be in the country right now.

Some thoughts..

If she’s angry/upset with you and knows she can get away with free storage then why not? You were basically everything to her for while - her employer, her partner, you managed all the finances. I’m putting myself in her shoes here.

She’s got everything to gain by not reaching out to you especially if she has no other options or isn’t sure about what she’s doing next and is annoyed with you. She knows she can count on you to pick up her slack. I think if you want to get the ball rolling on this you’re the one who has to reach out.

The problem is that you’re both avoiding it and you’re the one paying for it. I’m sorry this is so stressful. A break up involving moving of any kind can be a lot of stress. 

 

[Lamron300]

52 minutes ago, glows said:

Some thoughts..

If she’s angry/upset with you and knows she can get away with free storage then why not? You were basically everything to her for while - her employer, her partner, you managed all the finances. I’m putting myself in her shoes here.

She’s got everything to gain by not reaching out to you especially if she has no other options or isn’t sure about what she’s doing next and is annoyed with you. She knows she can count on you to pick up her slack. I think if you want to get the ball rolling on this you’re the one who has to reach out.

The problem is that you’re both avoiding it and you’re the one paying for it. I’m sorry this is so stressful. A break up involving moving of any kind can be a lot of stress. 

 

I need to put her sofa and computer and mirror in storage and thats the last of it. I will then contact her through email. I really don't want to ever speak to/see her again. Its really stressing me out the thought she thinks she can just turn up sometime down the line. I just want to move on from this. She always wanted me to put her on the mortgage or even the business as she knew she was cheating behind my back so when I found out of course I was going to tell her to leave. 

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

It's great that you're so committed to your little nugget walking him every day for an hour.

One suggestion is as things progress you can have doggie dates and go on walks together!

 

I mean a lot of people like dogs so I never really worried about integrating into any possible relationship. My issue at the moment is I am feeling very apprehensive. I'm burnt out from work and the stress from the breakup so I couldn't even get out of bed today and go to work. I am hoping to go Jiu Jitsu this evening to at least feel energised. In my head I am not ready for the disappointment that comes with OLD but I still go ahead with it anyway. 

I have a lot of things in common with my date on Saturday but I know that doesn't make for a connection. I don't want to be here on Sunday morning talking about another bad date. It's not that I am being negative, I just can't reconcile OLD with what I want. My friends stop using it as they said the sheer choice people have makes a lack of connection likely. I've been on 2 dates so far (3 on saturday) but dating is starting to feel like a chore. Because I discovered my ex partner lied the whole relationship it made me feel like I haven't even come out of a relationship hence the feeling of needing to be out there and proactively dating. 

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I mean a lot of people like dogs so I never really worried about integrating into any possible relationship. My issue at the moment is I am feeling very apprehensive. I'm burnt out from work and the stress from the breakup so I couldn't even get out of bed today and go to work. I am hoping to go Jiu Jitsu this evening to at least feel energised. In my head I am not ready for the disappointment that comes with OLD but I still go ahead with it anyway. 

I have a lot of things in common with my date on Saturday but I know that doesn't make for a connection. I don't want to be here on Sunday morning talking about another bad date. It's not that I am being negative, I just can't reconcile OLD with what I want. My friends stop using it as they said the sheer choice people have makes a lack of connection likely. I've been on 2 dates so far (3 on saturday) but dating is starting to feel like a chore. Because I discovered my ex partner lied the whole relationship it made me feel like I haven't even come out of a relationship hence the feeling of needing to be out there and proactively dating. 

Your breakup and work both sound stressful right now. You're totally entitled to feel burned out about dating, especially with online dating being so unpredictable.

It seems like your furry friend is an important part of your life and a non-negotiable aspect when it comes to relationships. I totally get it, as pets often hold a special place in our hearts and can feel like family. Your clear understanding of your priorities and values when it comes to a potential partner is admirable.

Before your date on Saturday, take some time to reflect and make sure you're truly ready to start dating again. If you need to take a break and focus on yourself, that's okay too. It's great that you're planning on going to Jiu Jitsu to help boost your energy and clear your mind.

Having things in common with someone doesn't always mean you'll automatically hit it off. Try to keep an open mind and not put too much pressure on finding a long-term partner. See it as a chance to meet someone new and have fun!

Healing from a breakup takes time, and it's important to give yourself that space. You don't have to rush into anything just because you feel like you should be dating.

Don't blame yourself for your ex-partner's lies. You deserve honesty and respect in a relationship, and it's not your fault that they didn't provide that.

[glows]

I think I’ve already mentioned this earlier. You can date and feel free to do as you please but also try to be aware that most people looking for a sincere and long term connection or relationship aren’t going to want to have anything to do with you. Sure, you’re a great guy on paper but there are just so many issues with your situation right now. 

My suggestion is to date and have fun with it, less emphasis on any big huge mind blowing connection or need for anything long term. You have a lot of loose ends to tie up. 

I’m speaking bluntly from the perspective of someone who might have met you once for example and then learned of all that’s going on. I’m assuming you don’t intend to keep the issue of storage and feelings of unease about your ex a secret. 

[glows]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I need to put her sofa and computer and mirror in storage and thats the last of it. I will then contact her through email. I really don't want to ever speak to/see her again. Its really stressing me out the thought she thinks she can just turn up sometime down the line. I just want to move on from this. She always wanted me to put her on the mortgage or even the business as she knew she was cheating behind my back so when I found out of course I was going to tell her to leave. 

Yes, this is stressful and empathize a lot. I can relate to your story a lot more than I’m letting on here so huge empathy here. Good idea about contacting at least through email.

[Lamron300]

13 hours ago, glows said:

I think I’ve already mentioned this earlier. You can date and feel free to do as you please but also try to be aware that most people looking for a sincere and long term connection or relationship aren’t going to want to have anything to do with you. Sure, you’re a great guy on paper but there are just so many issues with your situation right now. 

My suggestion is to date and have fun with it, less emphasis on any big huge mind blowing connection or need for anything long term. You have a lot of loose ends to tie up. 

I’m speaking bluntly from the perspective of someone who might have met you once for example and then learned of all that’s going on. I’m assuming you don’t intend to keep the issue of storage and feelings of unease about your ex a secret. 

But why? It isn't like I'm not over the relationship. Sure I have to sort out the storage stuff but I am just going to give her a deadline to collect her stuff as I am not going to pay any longer. The reason why it is easier to go back dating again after the relationship as I realised my ex was a compulsive liar and manipulator. She was fake, so I don't feel like I've been in a relationship for the past 2.5 years.

[JTSW]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

Sure I have to sort out the storage stuff but I am just going to give her a deadline to collect her stuff as I am not going to pay any longer.

Don't pay anymore.

Is it one of those storage places that if someone hasn't paid or collected it by a certain time, it goes to auction?

If so, tell her that.

She will soon get it.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

 I have to sort out the storage stuff but I am just going to give her a deadline to collect her stuff as I am not going to pay any longer. 

That's a good idea. Send something in writing as to her belongings and where they are. Then advise the storage unit of her contact info so you can take yourself out of this. It's good you're trying up loose ends.

[glows]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

But why? It isn't like I'm not over the relationship. Sure I have to sort out the storage stuff but I am just going to give her a deadline to collect her stuff as I am not going to pay any longer. The reason why it is easier to go back dating again after the relationship as I realised my ex was a compulsive liar and manipulator. She was fake, so I don't feel like I've been in a relationship for the past 2.5 years.

To me, hearing a person speak like this sounds like a great deal of unresolved anger. Until her things are gone, this issue remains. I don’t think it’s fair to someone new that you’re still currently paying for storage and trying to coordinate or get her to move her items. I’m assuming they’re a substantial amount of items like larger furniture and so on if a storage unit is required.

 

[Versacehottie]

59 minutes ago, glows said:

To me, hearing a person speak like this sounds like a great deal of unresolved anger. Until her things are gone, this issue remains. I don’t think it’s fair to someone new that you’re still currently paying for storage and trying to coordinate or get her to move her items. I’m assuming they’re a substantial amount of items like larger furniture and so on if a storage unit is required.

 

Agreed 100%. There are so many examples within this thread alone with your wording and how you keep repeatedly bringing up that you think she wanted to put her on the mortgage and was cheating behind your back the whole time--I sort of think part of that is just your perception & perspective rather than what really happened, OP. Anyway, you have so much anger and resentment toward your ex and the "situation" that you bring it up repeatedly when people are trying to give you ideas and opinions as apply to your future dating, ie you aren't over it yet. Please don't make me go back through the thread and point out all the places that are evidence of it.

You also just want a replacement girlfriend and therefore want it to be easy to find her and have to put in little effort and want a guarantee that your efforts in finding her will pay off immediately. 3 days before a date with a prospective new girlfriend, you are so upset that you cannot get out of bed at all, all day--that's not healthy for you or anyone you would date and suggest that you most definitely are not over it and not in a good place to date. You'd be bringing yourself at 30% to the date and then when it goes badly, blame the other person, dating in general, etc rather than see that you are not in the right headspace to date. Almost as equal problematic to that is if the prospective date was blind enough to miss the signs or somehow it went well, I'm going to guess you would too easily get overly attached for the wrong reasons in the hurry to get a new girlfriend. People shout "rebound" on this site way too often but this is a rebound situation in the making if I ever saw one--IF it ever got that far...the more likely scenario is that dating in this state of mind is going to keep chipping away at your confidence and building up negative beliefs toward dating and overall bitterness. 

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, glows said:

To me, hearing a person speak like this sounds like a great deal of unresolved anger. Until her things are gone, this issue remains. I don’t think it’s fair to someone new that you’re still currently paying for storage and trying to coordinate or get her to move her items. I’m assuming they’re a substantial amount of items like larger furniture and so on if a storage unit is required.

 

No, it is just mostly her clothes. The biggest item is her sofa, which divides into three. 
 

Of course I’m still angry as a lot of questions are unresolved but I want to move past it. As the therapist said, she isn’t out there upset, so why should I be? I don’t know how it impacts me dating as I don’t have any other ties to her. If she doesn’t pick up her stuff, the company throw it away. It’s down to her. 

[Lamron300]

14 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Agreed 100%. There are so many examples within this thread alone with your wording and how you keep repeatedly bringing up that you think she wanted to put her on the mortgage and was cheating behind your back the whole time--I sort of think part of that is just your perception & perspective rather than what really happened, OP. Anyway, you have so much anger and resentment toward your ex and the "situation" that you bring it up repeatedly when people are trying to give you ideas and opinions as apply to your future dating, ie you aren't over it yet. Please don't make me go back through the thread and point out all the places that are evidence of it.

You also just want a replacement girlfriend and therefore want it to be easy to find her and have to put in little effort and want a guarantee that your efforts in finding her will pay off immediately. 3 days before a date with a prospective new girlfriend, you are so upset that you cannot get out of bed at all, all day--that's not healthy for you or anyone you would date and suggest that you most definitely are not over it and not in a good place to date. You'd be bringing yourself at 30% to the date and then when it goes badly, blame the other person, dating in general, etc rather than see that you are not in the right headspace to date. Almost as equal problematic to that is if the prospective date was blind enough to miss the signs or somehow it went well, I'm going to guess you would too easily get overly attached for the wrong reasons in the hurry to get a new girlfriend. People shout "rebound" on this site way too often but this is a rebound situation in the making if I ever saw one--IF it ever got that far...the more likely scenario is that dating in this state of mind is going to keep chipping away at your confidence and building up negative beliefs toward dating and overall bitterness. 

Sorry, but I have to disagree with this. And no it isn’t my perspective it is what happened. I would like to tell you another side of the story where what she did against me was rational but there isn’t. The facts are she cried and told me she wanted to quit her job two years ago and to work with me. She never said this is how I can help you. I then created a job for her taking pictures which I can do myself ten times faster. I literally just take photo straight into report instead of having to dictate to someone what to photograph. The mortgage thing is a big deal because she didn’t want to have kids or get married but she wanted me to be legally tied to her after a year of dating. I do ruminate about that point a lot as it doesn’t make sense. I think it is almost rude for you to say it is my perception when I’m telling you what happened. 
 

I couldn’t get out of bed not because of her, I’m just exhausted physically. I worked myself into the ground last year and then the breakup is just added stress. 

After thinking about it I realised we wanted completely different things in life. Even if she hadn’t cheated against me, there was no future as we don’t agree on fundamental aspects of life. That’s why it’s easier for me to move on. 
 

However , I can’t seem to win. I was accused above of being shallow for not wanting to continue talking to someone who has admitted they’re online just for validation. 
 

I don’t lack confidence, I lack trust in OLD. There are just too many variables for it to be successful. I hold out a bit of hope, that’s why I try. 

[Lamron300]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's a good idea. Send something in writing as to her belongings and where they are. Then advise the storage unit of her contact info so you can take yourself out of this. It's good you're trying up loose ends.

Yes, I’m going to get them to call her. I already told them they can put the account in her name as it is her stuff. I’m just trying to think why she hasn’t tried to get her stuff after 6 weeks. I’m suspecting she’s gone back to her home country and thinking that I’m still a sucker and will keep her stuff in my house for months on end. 

[Versacehottie]

53 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

As the therapist said, she isn’t out there upset, so why should I be?

and yet you are upset....

You are pretty much only trying to use another person to get over being hurt and sweep it under the carpet. I have no idea why a decent therapist would give you that sort of feedback rather than focusing on you--but again, I could as easily guess that this is your interpretation of something he/she said that you are molding to/or plucking out as the salient information. If your therapist is encouraging you to move on with your life in general and not stay fixated on her that I get. Your therapist has no idea of her state of mind so as a licensed person would be weird to comment or even focus on it.  And you then twisting information that I can imagine was meant to be well-intentioned by putting your upset and bitter self out into the dating world with a super fragile mindset and very few, if any, tools to make it through dating with your self-esteem intact....and the setup is that it's sort of revenge dating--or at least a portion of your take, your interpretation of it...YET ANOTHER bit of evidence that you are not over it.

[Lamron300]

42 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

and yet you are upset....

You are pretty much only trying to use another person to get over being hurt and sweep it under the carpet. I have no idea why a decent therapist would give you that sort of feedback rather than focusing on you--but again, I could as easily guess that this is your interpretation of something he/she said that you are molding to/or plucking out as the salient information. If your therapist is encouraging you to move on with your life in general and not stay fixated on her that I get. Your therapist has no idea of her state of mind so as a licensed person would be weird to comment or even focus on it.  And you then twisting information that I can imagine was meant to be well-intentioned by putting your upset and bitter self out into the dating world with a super fragile mindset and very few, if any, tools to make it through dating with your self-esteem intact....and the setup is that it's sort of revenge dating--or at least a portion of your take, your interpretation of it...YET ANOTHER bit of evidence that you are not over it.

Again you have put your interpretation on what I said and made it a fact. I’m not upset over it (angry yes) but I’m not going to waste another second trying to figure out my ex. I can’t blame her going forward as if I make the same mistakes that’s on me. 
 

And if I was bitter I would be trying to get revenge on her. I don’t care about her anymore, I just want her to collect her things. 

Edited March 2, 2023 by Lamron300

[Alpacalia]

24 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I don’t care about her anymore, I just want her to collect her things. 

Have you sent her an email with a deadline to collect her things? I'm sure it's not something you're looking forward to dealing with given everything that's on your plate but it's important.

Edited March 2, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Lamron300]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Have you sent her an email with a deadline to collect her things? I'm sure it's not something you're looking forward to dealing with given everything that's on your plate but it's important.

I have been avoiding sending the email. I think because I want to be detached from the outcome. Right now I don't know where she is, she could be with her ex, she could be back in her home country, I'm not sure. I will put her sofa in storage on Sunday and then email her as thats the last of her stuff. It brings up angry/confused emotions when I think of the fact I may have to have contact with. her. 

[Alpacalia]

35 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I have been avoiding sending the email. I think because I want to be detached from the outcome. Right now I don't know where she is, she could be with her ex, she could be back in her home country, I'm not sure. I will put her sofa in storage on Sunday and then email her as thats the last of her stuff. It brings up angry/confused emotions when I think of the fact I may have to have contact with. her. 

Frame it as it's just one less tie to her.

One that you're not paying for financially either.

You can keep the email brief and business-like, simply letting her know that her belongings are in storage and providing her with the necessary information to retrieve them. Remember that you don't owe her any emotional labor or explanations about your feelings.

[Lamron300]

9 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Frame it as it's just one less tie to her.

One that you're not paying for financially either.

You can keep the email brief and business-like, simply letting her know that her belongings are in storage and providing her with the necessary information to retrieve them. Remember that you don't owe her any emotional labor or explanations about your feelings.

I am going to just try and write where her things are, how to get them and when to get them by. I’ve been paying for her stuff for weeks and weeks now. The reason it stings is when we broke up, she tried to lie about who was calling her. She had already packed her bags and said she was leaving but then she realised she had nowhere to go… one of her last ever sentences to me is what did you get me from Christmas? what did you get me for my birthday? Even though I got her loads of things for those occasions , it was just a materialistic rant. Even if I got her a Ferrari what difference would it have made! She lied and cheated. 

[basil67]

Lamron300, what are your plan for the items in storage if she doesn't collect them?   

[Lamron300]

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Lamron300, what are your plan for the items in storage if she doesn't collect them?   

If she doesn’t collect them they get thrown away by the storage company. 

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

If she doesn’t collect them they get thrown away by the storage company. 

Have you confirmed that they won't charge you for this?   I can't imagine them taking on the cost themselves

[Lamron300]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

Have you confirmed that they won't charge you for this?   I can't imagine them taking on the cost themselves

I’ve checked and I have to pay for disposal if she doesn’t pick up.