What can these signs mean?

[roger_roger]

Long story short:

Me (male, then 37 years old) started a course with much younger people, most in their twenties. I complained a lot about the course in our whatsapp group and one of the girls (21 years old then) texted me a private message and asked me whether she could do anything to help me. She helped me a lot and we became friends, but it rapidly evolved to a relationship. At the very beginning I asked her whether she cared about the age diffence and she said she didn't. Her family and friends apparently didn't either. 

It was her idea to start a relationship and everything seemed to be fine, but some day, only three months after we engaged, when she was visiting her family in her home town, she texted me and said that the age difference started affecting her. I was really mad and started NC and blocked her everywhere. However, after almost two months I unblocked her on whatsapp and texted her to apologize. Surprisingly she was very friendly and we discussed the breakup. At some point I asked her whether we could have a second chance and she said yes.

It goes without saying I was really happy. We met and she told me the real reasons for the breakup and it had nothing to do with the age gap. She said that sometimes I said some things that hurt her. Even now I think that it was no big deal, but I understand that some people are more sensitive, therefore I apologized once again and promissed never to do this again. 

The next four months or so were great, but then she started acting like she was unhappy. One day I decided to break up with her, because I felt that that was what she wanted but didn't have the courage to break up with me a second time. As we attended the same class, one or two weeks after the breakup we talked casually and then at the evening she texted me and convinced me that things might work. She was extremely convincing and then I agreed with her.

However, one month later she broke up with me again out of the blue. She said there were many reasons for that, but didn't mention any. I "accepted" the breakup and started NC. As I was extremely busy with work and studies, I did manage to go through it quite well, but suddenly I started missing her terribly. After a bad week, when I had an motorcycle accident, I was feeling really bad and decided to contact her because I needed to give her some belongings back. Of course it  was an excuse and I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway. At first she was very cold and distant, but the day after she accepted to meet me and talk. In general she was kind and gave me her reasons for the breakup. I can't even remember them, because they were diffuse. As I have self-esteem issues, I tended to agree with anything she said, regardless whether it was my fault or not. She made clear that her word was final. The weird thing was that she asked me whether I was seeing someone, to which I said no and I really wasn't. But then she let me know that she started seeing someone. I didn't panic, because I thought it was only a rebound. 

A couple of days later I let her know that I thought a lot about what she told me and asked her whether I could share some thoughts with her. She encouraged me to do it and then I asked her some time to elaborate them. When I approached her with news that I had finally managed to do it and ended up writing a nine-page letter, she was totally indifferent, but I decided to send it to her anyway. That was before Xmas. She didn't reply at all. I had birthday and she didn't send me wishes. I understand that silence too is a reply, then I simply let her go.

For my surprise, one month later, two months after our last contact, she texted me casually and asked how I was going. I replied one day later and was kind, told her that I was doing fine and she even told me a bit about some of her new plans. She started another degree and asked me whether I was seeing someone. The answer was again "no" (which is true). Then I asked her whether she was seeing that guy and she said that she broke up with him. I didn't ask why, but she told me some details. She said that the guy was verbally abusive and blamed her for getting ill as if she had some sexually transmitted disease and that the guy threatened to sue her for that. This was the weirdest short conversation I have ever had with an ex. She said she was even traumatized because of that and that her mother didn't want her to come back to the place where she lives now.

Whatever, even though she said that she broke up with the guy, she implied that they were having sex. What can these signs mean? Why did she contact me two months after being radio silence? I asked her and she told me that she just wanted to know how I was going, but she didn't care then, why should she care now? Why did she make the point of letting me know that she had sex with the guy? 

Now I really don't know what to do. My last message reads "your mother has good reasons to be concerned" (to what she said about her mother being concerned about the weird behaviour of the other guy. She didn't reply to it and it was two days ago. I still love her and it's been difficult for me to move on. At the same time I understand that this pattern is very unhealthy. I don't intend to reach out again and I think that I will be strong enough not to, but I am wondering what I should do if she does it again. It is very unlikely that we will bump into one another, because I will not keep attending the same course. It starts in one month and she will probably ask herself why. It's been really difficult for me to process all these mixed and weird signs, but any comment on that will be really appreciated. I don't have anyone else to talk about this and this feelings are killing me.

[basil67]

I'm not seeing any mixed and weird signs.  It looks to me like she's simply gotten over the relationship and now looks to you for friendship.   Of course, you don't have to be friends if it's too painful.  

[Mrin]

Yeah. The ship has sailed on this one. And honestly, I think it's a good thing. You two do not sound compatible.

I know you didn't ask for the following advice but I'm going to give it to you anyhow. I'm a dude but based on what you shared I would think you would be a difficult man with whom to be in a relationship. You sort of seem... All over the place in this relationship. I don't know if you are familiar with attachment style theory but you might be worth a read. Based off what you shared I would suspect you have a "disorganized attachment style". One of my very best friends also has a disorganized attachment style. And behaves similarly to what you described as your behavior in this relationship.

Anyhow, something to think about. Best of luck to you!

 

Mrin

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship is dead in the water. 

On-off like this never works out well. She doesn't have the same feelings you do or she wouldn't yank you around like this. She isn't mature enough yet for the kind of relationship you want, so you need to block all contact from her and not let her use you as her filler when other guys aren't around. 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, roger_roger said:

  She said that the guy was verbally abusive and blamed her for getting ill as if she had some sexually transmitted disease and that the guy threatened to sue her for that. 

Hope you're recovering from the accident. You have a lot on your plate right now, so the drama she's generating could be adding to your stress.

Unfortunately, she seems like a hot mess. Perhaps it's a blessing that you're no longer in the same class, because it seems like you dodged a bullet.

Try to sever the situation. You'll be able to move forward better if you delete and block her rather than this on/off limbo.

[JTSW]

She's not giving you any mixed signs.

She's not good for you at all.

You need to block her from contacting you once and for all.

For good.