Is fiance lying?

[mu1234]

My fiance decides to go threw an old phone of mine, she seen some stuff from the past before we wore together, later that night she told me she slept with someone I know this was new information I never heard before, I was jealous and angry because she never told me this before and only brought it up after 6 years, a few weeks later after a couple of arguments she decided to tell me she was lying and "made it up" to hurt me because she was hurt by what she seen. Now I feel like she's lying and only saying that to make me feel better or something (I'm unsure what the truth is now) 

[JTSW]

It's highly likely that going through your old phone made her feel insecure.

It's difficult to know if she is lying about what she said, but if everything was before you were together, what does it matter?

I'm assuming this person she claimed to have slept with is a friend of yours?

Maybe ask him?

[MsJayne]

Did she sleep with him before you were together? If so, why does it matter?  Whether it’s true or not is irrelevant, she said it to spite you, and being deliberately hurtful towards someone you supposedly care for is a sign of some deep issues. So is throwing out other people’s property in a jealous tantrum. Your relationship sounds dysfunctional, maybe you need to look at why she’s so insecure and feels the need to control you. 

[mu1234]

Yes this was before we wore together, she said she seen some information on my old phone that hurt her and made her feel the need to hurt me it's terrible, she should have not gone threw my phone, the only reason this is an issue now is because she said she swears on the kids life's that she made it up, I asked her to do that because I needed to know if it was true or not so I could proceed, I still feel like I don't know the answer my gut tells me she's just trying to make me feel better but the person wasn't an immediate friend it was just a guy I know ( really bad skin ) she went back to his house after a club with her cousin but said she only kissed him but she knew that I knew him so she said she made up she slept with him to hurt me, which is crazy the whole situation is weighing me down a bit. Do I trust her that she made it up or do I need the truth so we can get back on track and leave it in the past it's mostly the lie that hurts now that's if she's lying 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, mu1234 said:

Yes this was before we wore together, she said she seen some information on my old phone that hurt her 

Is there a reason after all this time together that she decided to go through your old phone? Was that nosiness or suspicions?

Unfortunately she created a no-win situation for herself. If she actually did this it's bad and if she just said it out of jealousy/spite, it's bad.

Perhaps it's time to review why she felt compelled to go through your old phone in the first place. Have there been incidences of cheating or suspicions before?

[mu1234]

She said it was making noises in the draw I think she was being nosy, we've never cheated on each other or being disloyal with each other. She seen some childish messages that I had sent my friends about hook ups etc I never thought about the past until she said this to me which caused me retro active jealousy to some extent. I really just want to know the truth now. We have two kids and are planning on getting married but i don't wanna go living a lie did she say she made it up to make me feel better or just lie to hurt me I don't know 

[JTSW]

21 minutes ago, mu1234 said:

she said she swears on the kids life's that she made it up

If she said this easily without being pushed then she is likely telling the truth.

I tell my husband to do this as this is how i know for sure he is telling the truth.

[mu1234]

Well she didn't say it easily I asked her a few times and she said she didn't wanna swear on their life's because she doesn't agree with that but I said if you want to move on and prove it to me you have to and then she did, 

I want to believe her as I love her,

 

But another part of the story that she said to spite me was that it was unprotected sex and she had to get the morning after pill because she was blacking out she said she was spiked she said she told her brother the morning after pill was for her friend because she was 17 at the time then after wards I asked her about that part again and she said that she used that part because she actually did  have to ask her brother to get the morning after pill for her friend before. But then again she was out with that friend that night and her friend didn't go to the house after the club just her and her cousin so if you think about it she could ask her brother to get it for her or her cousin so I just think she used the friend as an excuse to get it. I really just want closer on it is there a point in talking to her again about it because she already told me she made it up and swore on the kids life's? 

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, mu1234 said:

Yes this was before we wore together, 

Whether she said this to spite you or whether it's a true story is not as important as the fact that this happened (or didn't) before you were even together.

Why not move forward to how your relationship has been since you two were together? Try to figure out the underlying cause of this sudden conflict just before planning to marry.

Hopefully you're scheduled for premarital counseling anyway, but consider couples counseling to lay the cards on the table and sort this out.

[JTSW]

12 minutes ago, mu1234 said:

Well she didn't say it easily I asked her a few times and she said she didn't wanna swear on their life's because she doesn't agree with that

 

12 minutes ago, mu1234 said:

it was unprotected sex and she had to get the morning after pill because she was blacking out she said she was spiked she said she told her brother the morning after pill was for her friend because she was 17 at the time then after wards I asked her about that part again and she said that she used that part because she actually did  have to ask her brother to get the morning after pill for her friend before. But then again she was out with that friend that night and her friend didn't go to the house after the club just her and her cousin so if you think about it she could ask her brother to get it for her or her cousin so I just think she used the friend as an excuse to get it.

Then she is lying. 

The amount of detail tells me that it really happened.

BUT, she was 17, didn't know you then so why does it even matter?

You have both had sexual partners before each other and this guy isn't exactly a friend, so why does it make it any different?

You both need to stop with all this stupidity because the past is not worth dredging up.

You have both been faithful and good to each other, so just leave it at that.

Its not important.

Edited February 22, 2023 by JTSW

[mu1234]

Thanks for the solid advise guys, but one thing should I not call her out or talk about it because if she lying to my face and swearing on the kids lives I'd like to know the truth, so it can be put to bed 

[mu1234]

21 minutes ago, JTSW said:

 

Then she is lying. 

The amount of detail tells me that it really happened.

BUT, she was 17, didn't know you then so why does it even matter?

You have both had sexual partners before each other and this guy isn't exactly a friend, so why does it make it any different?

You both need to stop with all this stupidity because the past is not worth dredging up.

You have both been faithful and good to each other, so just leave it at that.

Its not important.

She said she did go back and did kiss him but nothing else happened afterwards that's all it was but from the detail in the first story makes me believe that it happened.

[JTSW]

Just now, mu1234 said:

Thanks for the solid advise guys, but one thing should I not call her out or talk about it because if she lying to my face and swearing on the kids lives I'd like to know the truth, so it can be put to bed 

Let it go. 

It doesn't matter.

It was a long time ago.

Leave it.

[JTSW]

Just now, mu1234 said:

She said she did go back and did kiss him but nothing else happened afterwards that's all it was but from the detail in the first story makes me believe that it happened.

It doesn't matter if it did happen.

She doesn't have to explain herself for something she did when she didn't even know you.

[mu1234]

OK, probably a silly question but how do I do that how do I get rid of this feeling inside me?

[JTSW]

12 minutes ago, mu1234 said:

OK, probably a silly question but how do I do that how do I get rid of this feeling inside me?

By telling yourself that what happened in the past before you knew each other doesn't matter.

Its doesn't mean anything.

[Will am I]

1 hour ago, mu1234 said:

Yes this was before we wore together, she said she seen some information on my old phone that hurt her and made her feel the need to hurt me it's terrible,

Guys... act more mature. Both of you.

For you: don't keep stuff on your phone that would hurt your long-term partner. And for her: don't tell ancient stories (whether real or made up) to get back.

She shouldn't be vindicative like that. And you shouldn't be hurt about stuff that happened before your relationship.

[glows]

I think it’s weird that she would go through an old phone of yours in the first place. My ex husband had all kinds of gadgets from his past being a techie and his hobby with IT. I never once felt compelled to go through any laptop or phone. That blows my mind that she’d do that and then come around and get upset with you or react in a spiteful way telling you about who she slept with way before you both dated just to hurt you because she was hurt. 

My guess is you both are falling off tracks in the communication department and not enough intimacy and sex/romance. You holding grudges like this tells me you are possessive over her in a way and she’s fighting back and resentful deep down. It’s coming out in wacky ways like this looking at old phone content. Try communicating better and let bygones be bygones. Focus on your intimacy and romance and the good qualities of each other.

[Lotsgoingon]

You have reason to feel bad---your nervous system can't settle into a version of the truth that makes sense.

Version 1: She secretly went through your phone (a violation itself) and then told a lie of a story (a whopper of a lying story btw) in order to humiliate, trigger and hurt and cut you. And you're supposed to say, "oh, no problem."

Version 2: She secretly went through your phone (violation) and then told a true story she had withheld from you. But she doesn't tell this allegedly true story to come clean with you or to promote her own healing. No! She tells the story in order to hurt and cut you! 

We can't retract a story designed to cut someone and expect the other person to feel safe any more that we can brandish a knife on someone, point the tip at them, then put it away and say "oh I was only joking,  I didn’t mean it." 

This is NOT about the past. This pain you're feeling is about how she behaved now! In each version, she deliberately and intentionally wanted to inflict pain on you. She seems borderline (or not so borderline) sadistic. She gets insecure and then lashes out with shocking level of viciousness. This is all "now" behavior.

The distrust you feel is the wisest part of you right now. You would be reckless to proceed as if you can feel safe and can easily trust her.  Maybe this will pass in time. But for now, your body is going to be in that freaked out state. She just cut you with her words--and then smiled and said it was a joke only meant to wound you and make you to suffer.

Dude, my heart goes out to you. My head would be spinning. 

 

 

[mu1234]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You have reason to feel bad---your nervous system can't settle into a version of the truth that makes sense.

Version 1: She secretly went through your phone (a violation itself) and then told a lie of a story (a whopper of a lying story btw) in order to humiliate, trigger and hurt and cut you. And you're supposed to say, "oh, no problem."

Version 2: She secretly went through your phone (violation) and then told a true story she had withheld from you. But she doesn't tell this allegedly true story to come clean with you or to promote her own healing. No! She tells the story in order to hurt and cut you! 

We can't retract a story designed to cut someone and expect the other person to feel safe any more that we can brandish a knife on someone, point the tip at them, then put it away and say "oh I was only joking,  I didn’t mean it." 

This is NOT about the past. This pain you're feeling is about how she behaved now! In each version, she deliberately and intentionally wanted to inflict pain on you. She seems borderline (or not so borderline) sadistic. She gets insecure and then lashes out with shocking level of viciousness. This is all "now" behavior.

The distrust you feel is the wisest part of you right now. You would be reckless to proceed as if you can feel safe and can easily trust her.  Maybe this will pass in time. But for now, your body is going to be in that freaked out state. She just cut you with her words--and then smiled and said it was a joke only meant to wound you and make you to suffer.

Dude, my heart goes out to you. My head would be spinning. 

 

 

Wow someone who actually understands the pain I'm going threw it's not about the past at all, the last few months have been though triggered by everything. All I need is the truth so I can go back to normal. 

I love her and willing to work threw what ever version it is but how can I know what version I have to process, I suppose for now it's just take it day by day and struggle really appreciate the comment man. Such a relief to realise I'm not just crazy thanks

[basil67]

Just as an aside....she said that your phone was making noises in the drawer.    When you say it was an old phone, do you mean an early model which you still use as a spare?  Or is it one that you never use anymore?   Because if it was the latter, it would have been dead and she'd have to charge it to look through it.   And therefore, her argument that it made noises is a lie.

[mu1234]

Basil the phone was a phone I recently upgraded from and had a great battery, it was on I can give her that. 

I had a chat with her last night, she seems like she's telling the truth. I have to believe her after all she's my fiance even though she hurt me. 

I asked her about the story with the morning after pill she included and insisted it was for her friend who was out with them that night but went back somewhere else.again all I can do is take her word for it. 

After all made up or not it happened before me I just need to accept that. 

[semble]

10 hours ago, mu1234 said:

Basil the phone was a phone I recently upgraded from and had a great battery, it was on I can give her that.

Even if the phone was turned on and charged- why would it be making noises? It would most likely be deactivated and therefore not receiving any sort of notifications.

Easy enough to check on that.

 

[smackie9]

Be more concerned about her intension to hurt you...I wouldn't let that pass. 

[mark clemson]

"Swearing on the kid's lives" is irrelevant - she's lying either way. She lied (lie of omission) to prevent hurting you, then told you about it to hurt you. OR she lied about it to hurt you and is now walking it back.

The real question tho (beyond her lack of honesty) is why she felt the need to hurt you emotionally for "stuff that's on your phone" from before your relationship started. THAT'S what's important here. Do you want to be long-term with a woman who "plays games" and tries to manipulate you emotionally whenever something makes her feel insecure or otherwise out of sorts?

It sounds like she had no real reason to look at your phone. Be aware that there are some people who unconsciously sabotage relationships when things are going well. They are not comfortable with "functioning" relationships (vs. dysfunctional) due in part to their upbringing/family situation and so find ways to "make things dysfunctional." If you're at the point where it's time to get serious and suddenly you find your partner is generating severe distressing and unnecessary drama and thus sabotaging the relationship, you should consider whether perhaps that's what going on.

If you're going to marry this woman, perhaps therapy might do her good. (And if I'm right she probably won't react well to the idea of her getting therapy, but when you point out what's going on it becomes clear she might actually benefit...)

If you get a steady undercurrent of this sort of thing, suggest you research the Drama Triangle, as that might be part of what's going on.

Edited February 27, 2023 by mark clemson