Girl friends , friend bring back guy to our place [updated: she broke up with me a 2nd time]

[philthebill]

Girl friends friend , was staying with us over Christmas hoilday for a night and my first time meeting him. No communication when he was coming, or time. We go out , he ends up bring people back to our place after the pub, then heads off at 4 in the morning to go for a shag, with some dude off grinder, leaving us with 4 random people in the house. 

Other night he is staying over again coming from Europe to ireland.  My girlfriend tells me his friend will be staying with us which is fine, just before pub closes his friend arrives. After asking how they Both met , he makes up a story as a joke and then just states that they are gay. Insinuating they don't really know each other to well or have a history, very obscure. When they came back to the house I found out the guy literally lives 5 mins away from our place.  Just found this really odd and disrespectful or is it I'm just being too much of a prude ? I would never do it my self  

TL;DR
I think bring someone you don't really know to your friends place is quite disrespectful,  showing lack of respect for girlfriend would like some thoughts so I can understand If I'm bring to harsh.

Edited October 24, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, philthebill said:

 , he ends up bring people back to our place after the pub, then heads off at 4 in the morning to go for a shag, with some dude off grinder, leaving us with 4 random people in the house. 

Agree this is rude and unsafe. Don't allow him to be a guest anymore if he's bringing who knows who into your home.

[philthebill]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree this is rude and unsafe. Don't allow him to be a guest anymore if he's bringing who knows who into your home.

The guy he's brought over also only lives 6 mins away. Which makes it even more bizarre 🤔 thanks for reply 

[Mrin]

Well I definitely think it's rude. And totally unacceptable.

That being said - why aren't you being more proactive in this matter? You should be sitting this guy down and telling him what the ground rules are if he is going to be a guest in your house. Are you and your girlfriend not on the same page?

[philthebill]

11 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Well I definitely think it's rude. And totally unacceptable.

That being said - why aren't you being more proactive in this matter? You should be sitting this guy down and telling him what the ground rules are if he is going to be a guest in your house. Are you and your girlfriend not on the same page?

Girlfriend is more or less telling me not to say anything to him and not to make him feel uncomfortable ! Totally not on the same page. When she said his friend was staying I thought it was someone coming with him. I asked him where he lived, its literally 5 or 6 mins away,  so do not see the need for him to stay over. 

[basil67]

29 minutes ago, philthebill said:

Girlfriend is more or less telling me not to say anything to him and not to make him feel uncomfortable ! Totally not on the same page. When she said his friend was staying I thought it was someone coming with him. I asked him where he lived, its literally 5 or 6 mins away,  so do not see the need for him to stay over. 

I'm a little confused with the timeline.   Is he currently with you, or are you getting your thoughts in order for the next time he does visit?

While it's good that you consider her wishes, it doesn't mean you have to follow them.  Let's face it, her current stance is that she'd rather make you uncomfortable than her friend.  And I agree with others that it's rude and unsafe for him to not only bring strangers back, but to leave them when he goes out. 

[philthebill]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm a little confused with the timeline.   Is he currently with you, or are you getting your thoughts in order for the next time he does visit?

While it's good that you consider her wishes, it doesn't mean you have to follow them.  Let's face it, her current stance is that she'd rather make you uncomfortable than her friend.  And I agree with others that it's rude and unsafe for him to not only bring strangers back, but to leave them when he 

We went to see a stand up show he was preforming in , thought the friend was in the crowd or something,  but arrived a good bit later. 

We are gone to work and they are both in our place. Her friend is quite self centred and seems he wants to do things on his terms. I'm going to stay the night in my brothers and work it out 

[JTSW]

Why should you stay somewhere else? It's your place.

Talk to him and tell him straight that you think it's best he leave and stay in a hotel.

Tell him you are very uncomfortable with him bringing strangers to stay at your place and it won't be happening again.

You need to speak up for yourself and set some ground rules.

[glows]

Seeing as it’s your girlfriend’s friend she’s the one who needs to have a talk with him regarding boundaries. You’re moving to your brothers now to make space for awhile which seems reasonable too depending on what you both prefer.

Does your girlfriend own the place and you’re a tenant or paying her rent? If it’s a lease are you both on the lease? 

[philthebill]

On 2/23/2023 at 1:45 PM, glows said:

Seeing as it’s your girlfriend’s friend she’s the one who needs to have a talk with him regarding boundaries. You’re moving to your brothers now to make space for awhile which seems reasonable too depending on what you both prefer.

Does your girlfriend own the place and you’re a tenant or paying her rent? If it’s a lease are you both on the lease? 

We are Both renting the place , he ended up going back to his parents, obviously did not bring his friend he's dating there 🙄  

[glows]

On 2/24/2023 at 2:25 PM, philthebill said:

We are Both renting the place , he ended up going back to his parents, obviously did not bring his friend he's dating there 🙄  

Glad it resolved itself. Hopefully your gf takes your feelings into account in future and both able to come to an agreement about visitors. I think we’re sometimes blind to the stupid crap friends pull and it takes moments like this to reassess. I’m not sure if that’s what your girlfriend is doing or if this is a wake up call about her friendship with this person.

[Pomz]

Who ever brings him needs to be cancled to. Just shut the door for any of them to stay.

This is your home. Not some motel. They cost you more electricity and water to. They take advantage of you cause you probably not confrontational.

You are """to nice". Stand up for yourself and let them know there is no more staying at your house. 

Beside this can end bad to. Maybe this are thieves or criminals ....who knows.

[Alpacalia]

Totally rude and disrespectful.

Of them and your girlfriend.

I would not let someone use my house as a shake shack let alone expect others to be okay with it.

Heck out.

[stilphil38]

Came home from work, girl friend was working from home had a chat and i got stuck into the dishes, girl friend saying she excited about going away for the weekend and that she loves me. While I'm washing the dishes, she starts wanting to talk about our relationship,  saying we drifting apart. I told her let's talk about it later when you're finished work and after u meet your friend. 

5mins later she asks me can she ask me something. Rolling my eyes inside the kitchen I was like sure. She starts talking about if I had been telling my nephew about how she acts when we where having arguments ( previous weekend we went out for drinks with him he mentioned something about something else, she thought it was about her ) I definitely did not say anything to him, she then starts telling me that I can't be talking to my family about how she acts when we are arguing, as she does not give her family details about me about my behaviour. 

I told her to go back to the thing that she thinks i said to my nephew, because it was out of nowhere and was not true. She started saying I was gaslighing her and making it out that she's crazy, we argued for a bit and then she just said she's breaking up with me. 

I've been living with her for a year, she has a super busy job that keeps her in work longer than she should be, which obviously puts a strain on the relationship and stuff that needs to be done around the house, she also is doing other projects on top of that and then waiting to fit everything else in l, in-between 

We are now not talking to each other and will meet on Saturday to have a talk which I'm confused about. Since she broke up with me how do I handle it.  

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, stilphil38 said:

. She started saying I was gaslighing her and making it out that she's crazy, we argued for a bit and then she just said she's breaking up with me. 

Sorry this is happening. Where are you staying now? How long have you lived together? Is it her place? How old is she? Do either of you have children from other relationships? 

What are the arguments about in general? Finances? Household responsibilities? Extended family and friends? Quality time or leisure activities?

Why is she upset about whatever your nephews comments to her were? what is it about the "way she argues" that is a problem? Is there generally a lot of discord? 

While it's true everyone confides in people sometimes about relationship issues, if either of you are discussing too much personal business with friends and family, it can create issues with regard to trust and privacy.

Have there been breakups or volatile arguments before just this month? Perhaps give each other space to reflect and process until you get together over the weekend. 

 

Edited October 24, 2023 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

What do you want?  

If you want to reconcile & fix what is wrong you two are both going to have to change.  You will need to address all the problems & work together to fix them.   She may not be willing or able to cut down her work hours. 

Since this was the 2nd break up in a month, you have to give some consideration to the idea that you two are not a great fit.  

[Lisa]

@philthebill and @stilphil38 are the same member

[basil67]

Seems she knows her behaviour is something to be ashamed about.  So how does she behave when you have arguments?   If things are bad, perhaps staying broken up is the thing you should choose.

[philthebill]

On 10/24/2023 at 7:30 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Where are you staying now? How long have you lived together? Is it her place? How old is she? Do either of you have children from other relationships? 

What are the arguments about in general? Finances? Household responsibilities? Extended family and friends? Quality time or leisure activities?

Why is she upset about whatever your nephews comments to her were? what is it about the "way she argues" that is a problem? Is there generally a lot of discord? 

While it's true everyone confides in people sometimes about relationship issues, if either of you are discussing too much personal business with friends and family, it can create issues with regard to trust and privacy.

Have there been breakups or volatile arguments before just this month? Perhaps give each other space to reflect and process until you get together over the weekend. 

 

Hey, thanks for the message. We have been living together for the last year now. She's renting and I moved into her place. Im Currently staying with family. And no children.

For exsample, She is a mural artist on the side, one of the murals she did , I had to help her do it took 3 days, as she left it till the last minute. She got another Job doing a mural and basically decided to fill a month of going away for every weekend in that month ( including a week to Italy) she had four months to do these murals, ended up rushing it, but most of all we did very little during the summer because of her working. my concern about this was she is doing to many things . On top of that she is working during the day in a very stressful job. This leaves no room for things to be done around the house, and most of the house work fell on me. She also went into a rage because I put all the buckets of paints out the back garden, she then moved them out the front (it's just a footpath, as we don't have a front garden) as she is afraid of spiders. We argued about how I am making her world smaller by saying she can't do all those things ( which she can ) but its going to strain the relationship  As well as that we clash over different ideas feminism, immigration and other things like that. 

I did not talk about the things she accused me off to family, but definitely do talk to my friend about issues we are having. 

We have been having arguments a lot, a lot of them are from us being stressed and actually not doing the things we fell in love with each other for. Currently we are now broken up. 

[philthebill]

On 10/24/2023 at 7:30 PM, d0nnivain said:

What do you want?  

If you want to reconcile & fix what is wrong you two are both going to have to change.  You will need to address all the problems & work together to fix them.   She may not be willing or able to cut down her work hours. 

Since this was the 2nd break up in a month, you have to give some consideration to the idea that you two are not a great fit.  

I want us to formulate a plan together as we already talked about, save up for a house. Find a balance of work and have time to go on adventures and our own enjoyments . I also want to work on my stuff and short comings which are many. I find it difficult to self refect and its something to work on. 

 

[philthebill]

On 10/24/2023 at 10:06 PM, basil67 said:

Seems she knows her behaviour is something to be ashamed about.  So how does she behave when you have arguments?   If things are bad, perhaps staying broken up is the thing you should choose.

It does not take her very long to get mad fast ! She gets extremely emotional , we just bought a car two months ago, her reaction to mistakes I've made while driving  , is off the wall, shouting while I'm driving, while not remaining calm and talking me through the mistake I've made. Her father was the same she says.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, philthebill said:

It does not take her very long to get mad fast ! She gets extremely emotional , we just bought a car two months ago, her reaction to mistakes I've made while driving  , is off the wall, shouting while I'm driving, while not remaining calm and talking me through the mistake I've made. Her father was the same she says.

And you want her back 😬  Why do you accept this abusive behaviour?   Serious question

Also, you mentioned arguing over topics such as immigration and feminism.  This stuff should be left in the box of "we already know we disagree, so these are subjects which we won't discuss".   Why does the box keep getting opened?   I mean, if the individual sees something in the news which they know is a trigger, why raise it for another argument?

Edited October 28, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, philthebill said:

 She's renting and I moved into her place. Im Currently staying with family. Currently we are now broken up. 

It's good you moved out. There were simply too many unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities. It's true that if you are arguing about arguing it is just going downhill wearing each other out.

It seems like you dodged a bullet. Go no contact and reorganize your life free from all this stress. Living together seems like a nightmare being her tenant and not getting along.

[philthebill]

52 minutes ago, basil67 said:

And you want her back 😬  Why do you accept this abusive behaviour?   Serious question

Also, you mentioned arguing over topics such as immigration and feminism.  This stuff should be left in the box of "we already know we disagree, so these are subjects which we won't discuss".   Why does the box keep getting opened?   I mean, if the individual sees something in the news which they know is a trigger, why raise it for another argument?

We are both to blame for that, I love a good debate, but we could just not talk about them issues! Today we went to try and talk things over, went for breakfast, she informed me she was going to free palestine protest, I told her I would only go if it was a protest for peace with no agendas other than peace. If that makes sense. 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, philthebill said:

, I told her I would only go if it was a protest for peace with no agendas other than peace. 

Relationships aren't supposed to be a political debate. It's irrelevant if you have your own opinions and thoughts on things, everyone has a right to that of course.

But the purpose of debates is to prove the other is wrong and is generally considered hostile and argumentive in relationships. 

There's absolutely no reason you have to attend whatever political causes she's interested in with snark thrown in about "only if it's....". Just don't go.

Live and let live. While you find debating fun, others can find it simply draining and argumentative. Arguing for the sake of arguing is a battle, not a relationship. It's all about ego and thinking you're smarter and right, someone else is wrong, therefore they're the loser. 

Some people thrive on chronic bickering, some people don't. Apparently she finds you antagonistic. Stay apart. 

Edited October 28, 2023 by Wiseman2