Guy only talks about himself. to meet up again?

[babybrowns]

Hello all

I met a guy IRL through a project when I was a student (and he was a worker at a place where I was doing work experience), several years back. He was always a little interested in me.

We never dated; when he did ask me out several years back, I was getting together with my then long-term boyfriend. He has also had 2 serious relationships over the years, both which culminated in engagement. (Most recent one sadly ended due to a miscarriage that drove the couple apart).

Now that we are both single, we thought we’d meet up and see how things go. NB he is 10 years older than me. He did want our meet-up to be a “date”, but I told him I wasn’t sure since it had been a while since I saw him last, so could we start off as friends.

An issue I have noticed, both via texting as well as our IRL ‘date’ a few weeks back is that, the conversation is very one sided. He likes me to listen to him talk about his life, his issues at work, everything.

I’m a good listener, but the problem here is that, whenever I say anything about my own life, he doesn’t absorb a word. He doesn’t comment on it. He only responds with “omg that happened to me too, did I tell you about my friend who…” and what I was in the middle of saying gets forgotten and dissolved.

I am attracted to this man and he does have good core values, and is a genuinely nice person which I have seen from knowing him in person over years. So I am interested in seeing him again. I recently had to cancel our second meet-up for something and told him I’d let him know when I could next meet. But I’m wondering whether there’d be a way round this issue, or whether I should just pass on us meeting again?

Thanks for your inputs in advance!

Edited February 22, 2023 by babybrowns

[stillafool]

Since you already have a major complaint (self absorbed) about this guy just save yourself time and next him.  If he doesn't ask about you he's just using you as a sounding board.  Listening to him talk about himself is boring.

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I’m a good listener, but the problem here is that, whenever I say anything about my own life, he doesn’t absorb a word. He doesn’t comment on it. He only responds with “omg that happened to me too, did I tell you about my friend who…” and what I was in the middle of saying gets forgotten and dissolved.

This would be an automatic No from me.   May I ask why you haven't already arrived at the same conclusion? 

[smackie9]

This would be an automatic deal breaker for me. I like a man that can have an intellectual conversation with me,... to let me express my opinions etc. Nothing worse than having to listen to someone pump their own tires all night. Especially those who keep talking about the the things they were going to do but haven't. cringe*

Edited February 22, 2023 by smackie9

[Ami1uwant]

I would not read this as self absorbed just yet.  His intentions might be good and he probably had interest in you for quite awhile.  Him talking a lot could be a response to his nerves, like a nervous rock.

 

his dtyle of communication might be different than yours. Maybe he is afraid to try and dig deeper into your stories snd ask questions because he’s afraid  it could scare you away.

[ironpony]

My gf was like this too on the first couple of dates.  She was nervous to talk about me and she talked about herself out of nervousness as a defense mechanism.  It went away after a couple of dates, and it was fine then, but if this is not going to go away with this guy, then I can see it being self-absorbed as well.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I'm going to agree with the general sentiment...this is something that will only get more unattractive as time goes on, trust me. 😋

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't bother going out with him again. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, babybrowns said:

.an issue I have noticed, both via texting as well as our IRL ‘date’ a few weeks back is that, the conversation is very one sided. 

How long ago was the date? Has he asked you out again?

Unfortunately it seems like he's just lonely or rebounding and wants someone to talk to. 

If you find him boring or too self-absorbed, it's fine to step back from all the texting and decline going out again.

[BaileyB]

It would be a no for me too.

[ShyViolet]

This is a huge turn-off.  It shows that he is not even interested in learning more about you.  All he wants to do is talk at you non-stop and hear himself talk.  I wouldn't date a person like this.

[BrinnM]

It depends. Maybe he’s nervous and wants to appear interesting. He could certainly be self-absorbed, too, sure, but I wouldn’t judge him that harshly yet. You’ve only had one date, so it’s hard to tell. It seems to bother you already, though, so I understand if you don’t want to see him again. My ex was the opposite, btw, never talked about himself; you literally had to grill him to learn anything about this person. This never changed, except for when he had one glass too many, but even then it wasn’t guaranteed. Quite boring in the long-term, I must say. 

[Lotsgoingon]

This is not a superficial problem. It's a huge red flag and it also speaks to the kind of relationship he's seeking: one in which he is the focus of everything. You want that?

Absolute no for me. I was in an industry for ten years where my job was to listen to and interview people. So I was and am a great listener.

But ... I'm also a great listener about whether the other person is a good listener. This guy being imbalanced and not engaging you--that shows a major (not minor) major social deficit. And it's a hard one to correct. So he's heard before that he doesn't engage the other person. I'm sure of it. But in my experience, for whatever reason, people who do that continue to do that. 

So this wouldn't change because you started seriously dating. Fixing this kind of issue (and I've not seen it happen really) could take 10 or 20 years--that's if the person is committed to it. 

 

 

[justwhoiam]

My two cents (I've only read your first post): you rejected him as a date. So he's just going out with you casually. I think you did the wrong thing. I mean what was wrong with having a date with him? It's not that you need to feel compelled to do anything if you go out on a date with anyone. And you go out on a date to get to know someone, but romatically, which you ruled out putting him into the friendzone. A man who's out on a date, especially the first one, will try to impress you any way he can, if he's really into you. That means also letting you talk more than talking.

Now who knows if he feels like asking you out on a real date anymore. And you asking might feel awkward now after you declined.

That said, I find myself thinking of similar situations happened to me whenever I hear some story, so I can bring that up: usually it's for a laugh or just to relate to the person I'm talking to. If any of my friends thought I do it because I'm selfish or don't care about other people, that'd be so far from the truth, honestly, I'd question my friends. Luckily, it has never happened.

I see a problem in judging him being a careless ex project partner when you clearly let him know that you can see him as a friend.

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

Thank you greatly for your replies. Sorry I’ve not logged on here in a week. What I am reading on here is very helpful. 
To clarify also, it’s not just on 1 date  that this guy displayed this characteristic- it’s whenever we text as well. He has also confessed that he ‘really likes talking to me’. Perhaps because he does see me as a soundboard.

He tells me about his work problems and I try to tell him about mine, the difference is that he doesn’t really listen when I tell him about my problems at work but rather just waits for the chance to continue talking about his own life. It is a pointless one-sided conversation which I rarely get anything out of.

Needless to say it has made me continue to put the second date on hold; there’s no motivation to go ahead with it. 

It’s a tricky one though, because as mentioned I have known this guy for 8 years; he never used to be like this before. But since I knew him back then, he got promoted to a high-ranking managerial position so he might be used to being the dominant force of a conversation in recent years- but it’s not fun for me in the slightest. I am not there to listen to him like a therapist, but to have 50% investment in the conversation too just as he should have in me.

Thanks again for your replies, I don’t think I’ll be meeting up with him again anytime soon.

 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

Thanks again for your replies, I don’t think I’ll be meeting up with him again anytime soon.

Maybe he does not realize he's like that and if he knew he'd be horrified himself. Why not gently point it to him?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 I don’t think I’ll be meeting up with him again anytime soon.

Agree it's better to cut your losses than waste each other's time.

[glows]

I would have brought it up but if you’re not feeling like it then don’t bother. 

I’ve found most people are good listeners but will err on the side of caution so as not to put others on the spot or point blank ask the other person how things are going around a specific topic or personal issue. It might have been your work problems. What kind of response are you looking for exactly? Would it have been uncomfortable if he told you his opinion? You’re looking for someone more fearless and direct, even opinionated about your situation to some extent. 

There are some out there who are genuinely self-absorbed and selfish all the time but this is so rare to me. I usually don’t see people like this. I’m sorry you were disappointed. I wouldn’t have written it off if I felt I was the one not contributing enough to the conversation or putting the other person in a tough situation responding to a work problem of mine. I’m not even sure why he’s talking about work/his work issues with you and vice versa you and your work. Not exactly romantic. 

Edited March 5, 2023 by glows