sushiandtacos Posted February 23, 2023 Share Posted February 23, 2023 Hey guys! Been a while hope ya'll have been well ❤️ I went out with a guy last week and he planned out this nice second date for tonight. I'm just not feeling it anymore to be honest. I originally agreed to tonight's date because I wanted to confirm that there isn't any chemistry on my side and friends thought I should give it a second chance to make sure since he really is a thoughtful guy. Now I'm dreading going out but he already bought tickets to this event, albeit it's 20 dollars. I would totally pay him back too if I were to cancel. Would that be terribly rude of me?? Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted February 23, 2023 Share Posted February 23, 2023 8 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said: Would that be terribly rude of me?? It wouldn’t be terrible and if you know it’s not going anywhere might be the best move. He’ll be rightfully upset of course, but you barely know the guy and don’t owe him anything. But yes, of course offer to pay for the ticket. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sushiandtacos Posted February 23, 2023 Author Share Posted February 23, 2023 (edited) 2 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: It wouldn’t be terrible and if you know it’s not going anywhere might be the best move. He’ll be rightfully upset of course, but you barely know the guy and don’t owe him anything. But yes, of course offer to pay for the ticket. Is there a way to phrase a text to cancel it without coming off rude? Edited February 23, 2023 by sushiandtacos Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted February 23, 2023 Share Posted February 23, 2023 Did he tell you he'd be buying tickets to the event before you accepted the invitation? If so, I'd say you should reimburse him for both tickets, unless it is legitimately an event he'd enjoy going to solo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sushiandtacos Posted February 23, 2023 Author Share Posted February 23, 2023 2 minutes ago, introverted1 said: Did he tell you he'd be buying tickets to the event before you accepted the invitation? If so, I'd say you should reimburse him for both tickets, unless it is legitimately an event he'd enjoy going to solo. So I told him I was available on Thursday night to do something since he asked. And then he planned the whole evening and said he got us tickets to this event, without asking me if I wanted to go to that ... But yes of course, I would reimburse him for both tickets Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 23, 2023 Share Posted February 23, 2023 (edited) Wow, you really aren't responsible for him buying $20 tickets on his own initiative. You really aren't. I mean had he bought $100 tickets to some event, would you think you were responsible for reimbursing him? No way. He assumes the risk by arranging the date and choosing the event. There are cheaper and free events and free activities he could have arranged. So no, you don't owe him repayment. You have a right to cancel at any time. Any time. Five minutes before. On the road to meeting him. Seconds before you open the door to go into the venue to meet him. You have the right to back out and change your mind at any and all of those times. And if you struggle with saying "no" to people, it's far better to cancel at last minute than to go through with a fake date that you aren't interested in. Otherwise, dating becomes a prison. We don't have big obligations to people we're going out with on second dates. The biggest obligation--one that you are attending to--is to pay attention to our own feelings. That's the most important obligation we have. But let's get practical because you might intellectually agree with what I've said but not feel comfortable following what said. You should cancel. And offer to reimburse if that really bothers you. If he declines, do NOT fight him over this. Dude can invite someone else to the event. Another woman or a buddy or colleague. Ideally do not apologize. This is dating. Edited February 23, 2023 by Lotsgoingon 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 23, 2023 Share Posted February 23, 2023 He sounds really keen on him, so going out of politeness would be unfair and give him hope when there's none. I think it would be nice to offer to pay for the tickets, but I agree that you shouldn't push it if he says it's fine 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sushiandtacos Posted February 23, 2023 Author Share Posted February 23, 2023 30 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Wow, you really aren't responsible for him buying $20 tickets on his own initiative. You really aren't. I mean had he bought $100 tickets to some event, would you think you were responsible for reimbursing him? No way. He assumes the risk by arranging the date and choosing the event. There are cheaper and free events and free activities he could have arranged. So no, you don't owe him repayment. You have a right to cancel at any time. Any time. Five minutes before. On the road to meeting him. Seconds before you open the door to go into the venue to meet him. You have the right to back out and change your mind at any and all of those times. And if you struggle with saying "no" to people, it's far better to cancel at last minute than to go through with a fake date that you aren't interested in. Otherwise, dating becomes a prison. We don't have big obligations to people we're going out with on second dates. The biggest obligation--one that you are attending to--is to pay attention to our own feelings. That's the most important obligation we have. But let's get practical because you might intellectually agree with what I've said but not feel comfortable following what said. You should cancel. And offer to reimburse if that really bothers you. If he declines, do NOT fight him over this. Dude can invite someone else to the event. Another woman or a buddy or colleague. Ideally do not apologize. This is dating. Wow I needed to see this, IDK why I feel obligated to go through on dates even when I don't want to or feel guilty about cancelling and rejecting. I do have a struggle of saying no to people a lot. Maybe because I've been rejected before and know it feels really $hi*ty but regardless you are right, I'm only obligated to how I feel in dating. I might've made up a white lie to get out of the date tonight tho since it's really last minute 😅 I know it's really bad of me, but he's been so sweet and thoughtful I just feel bad. But yes, I know I shouldn't feel bad about saying no. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted February 23, 2023 Share Posted February 23, 2023 57 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said: I went out with a guy last week and he planned out this nice second date for tonight. I'm just not feeling it anymore to be honest. I originally agreed to tonight's date because... A day's notice would've been highly preferable. Why'd you wait until 2 hours before? I disagree with the notion that you owe him nothing. You agreed to the date and he invested accordingly. Granted, you have the legal right to cancel any time. But we're not talking about legel rights, we're talking etiquette, common courtesy, and respect for other's time, feelings and money. The fact that you're a women and he's not don't change the calculus. How would you feel? If it was me I'd feel bad about cancelling last minute, and I'd follow through unless there's a significant issue. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sushiandtacos Posted February 23, 2023 Author Share Posted February 23, 2023 2 minutes ago, salparadise said: A day's notice would've been highly preferable. Why'd you wait until 2 hours before? I disagree with the notion that you owe him nothing. You agreed to the date and he invested accordingly. Granted, you have the legal right to cancel any time. But we're not talking about legel rights, we're talking etiquette, common courtesy, and respect for other's time, feelings and money. The fact that you're a women and he's not don't change the calculus. How would you feel? If it was me I'd feel bad about cancelling last minute, and I'd follow through unless there's a significant issue. TBH he's been nonstop texting me and triple texting if I don't reply in a few hours. And the influx of texts were a lot just after one date and he was being overly sweet which isn't really my vibe just after one date so I wasn't feeling it anymore 😕 I know it's rude to cancel the last minute but I really didn't have it in me to go through on something I didn't want to go on, I felt like it would be wasting both of our times 😕 But yes I agree it's its not really a courtesy to do that. Trust me, I feel so guilty right now. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted February 23, 2023 Share Posted February 23, 2023 3 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said: TBH he's been nonstop texting me and triple texting if I don't reply in a few hours. And the influx of texts were a lot just after one date and he was being overly sweet which isn't really my vibe just after one date so I wasn't feeling it anymore That puts in into context much better. Yea, I'd say given that he's acting this way you'd be justified. Not ideal, but the lesser of two options. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted February 24, 2023 Share Posted February 24, 2023 1 hour ago, sushiandtacos said: Is there a way to phrase a text to cancel it without coming off rude? Just be honest - let him know that after sleeping on it you’ve realized you’re not a good match and don’t want to lead him on so will cancel. Then you can offer to pay for the ticket. But as others have said, don’t push it. If he says not to bother than just move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted February 24, 2023 Share Posted February 24, 2023 2 hours ago, sushiandtacos said: Hey guys! Been a while hope ya'll have been well ❤️ I went out with a guy last week and he planned out this nice second date for tonight. I'm just not feeling it anymore to be honest. I originally agreed to tonight's date because I wanted to confirm that there isn't any chemistry on my side and friends thought I should give it a second chance to make sure since he really is a thoughtful guy. Now I'm dreading going out but he already bought tickets to this event, albeit it's 20 dollars. I would totally pay him back too if I were to cancel. Would that be terribly rude of me?? Why are you not feeling it anymore between last week when you said yes…and now? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted February 24, 2023 Share Posted February 24, 2023 While you don't owe this guy anything and have a right to cancel on him anytime you wish, I would suggest that you treat others the way you want to be treated. In other words, treating people with kindness might be a better approach when it comes to dating (unless they are rude, crude, racist or such). How would you feel if someone you liked canceled on you two hours before the date? Usually, there is no need to resort to a passive-aggressive technique or to wait till the very last minute to cancel a date if you are not feeling it. Send a guy a very quick message thanking him for the date and letting him know that you are not interested taking this any further as soon as you realize that you are not feeling it. Block him if he persists or tries to argue with you. Geez, the guy hasn't done anything bad for you to flake out on him the very last minute. Apologize for changing you mind about going on a date with him. You don't have to go into any details as to why you don't want to see him anymore. Suggest to reimburse him for the tickets. And, if necessary, keep your hand close to a block button in case that he is going to explode on you. 2 hours ago, sushiandtacos said: BH he's been nonstop texting me and triple texting if I don't reply in a few hours. And the influx of texts were a lot just after one date and he was being overly sweet which isn't really my vibe just after one date so I wasn't feeling it anymore 😕 Yeah, I see what you are saying. But still, this is not a reason to cancel on someone two hours prior to the date. A better way to handle things would be to send him a message that you are not interested as soon as he started texting you nonstop. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted February 24, 2023 Share Posted February 24, 2023 Yes I actually think this is very rude and inconsiderate, to cancel plans on someone two hours before. Whether it's a date or even just a friend. But what's done is done.... 3 hours ago, sushiandtacos said: I originally agreed to tonight's date because I wanted to confirm that there isn't any chemistry on my side and friends thought I should give it a second chance to make sure since he really is a thoughtful guy. This right here is the root of the problem. Let this be a lesson. Next time, if you know you're not into someone, do not waste their time by agreeing to a second date. And do not listen to friends who give you bad advice. Be more sure of yourself and go with your gut. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 24, 2023 Share Posted February 24, 2023 (edited) I completely understand where you are coming from and agree that you shouldn't force yourself to go on dates you don't want to go on. Totally understandable and a great mindset to have. However, I disagree with you about needing instant chemistry. Attraction is a funny thing, it can happen right after the first moment of meeting but it also can build up over time or it can vanish just a few seconds later when your date opens its mouth. Why is that? Because you will never get all the facets out of one small meeting over coffee, dinner or drinks. Occasionally, you will be attracted to them physically and get an idea of how he talks and what his main interests are. Normally, things like how you treat others, how you react to things, and your worldviews don't come out in a situation where both are trying to test the waters, are constantly tense, and are hesitant to reveal themselves. Naturally, there will be things you don't want to see in a potential partner, like excessive drinking, drugs, and the like. No matter what the reason is, seeing each other again is always okay or bowing out, but you have to be honest in what you want and not wait until two hours before. He'll feel down for maybe an hour or two, and move on with his life. If you act like you had a good time and continue to communicate, and even agree to a second date but make it hard to plan, he's going to agonize over what he's doing wrong, wonder if you really like him or if he's not picking up on signals that you aren't interested. You're not bound to go out with someone just because you had agreed to it before. However, it's not ideal to leave someone hanging at the last minute. It's considerate to provide enough notice so that he can make alternate plans or invite someone else to join him. Additionally, you could offer to reimburse him for the tickets as a gesture of goodwill, even though it's late in the game. Edited February 24, 2023 by Alpacalia 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sushiandtacos Posted February 24, 2023 Author Share Posted February 24, 2023 I had every intention of going tonight when I agreed to it earlier this week. It's just that the in between texting he kept sending even when I wasn't replying was a lot for me. And he was offering to do sweet things for me nonstop just after one date. Maybe that's normal for him to act this way after the first date, but I'm not usually this open and vulnerable after meeting someone the first time. This essentially made me not want to go on the date tonight, and I was busy with work all week after I agreed to going that I didn't have time to think about going until it came down to today. I know it's rude to cancel last minute, but I really didn't want to waste both of our times. I offered to pay for both of our tickets and he declined saying that it's totally fine. AND THEN he proceeded to venmo ME money because he felt bad that I had a rough time at work... I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure and I owe this guy something 😕 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 24, 2023 Share Posted February 24, 2023 Why is he sending you money? You owe him nothing. Nothing. You want to rescue people, go into social work. Go adopt a puppy. Humans are resilient. We all get run across people not interested in us. That is part of dating. And just to be clear: it is a lack of integrity and honesty to feel sorry for someone for not dating them. That is not in integrity. And you know it's not in integrity because you won't tell the person what you're really thinking. This guy (if he's got a life) will have you out of his mind after one semi-good date with another woman. Doesn't even have to be a great date--just a half-way decent date. After two dates, you're gone. You're out of his mind. What's up with this puppy love? Seriously, you cannot get into a good relationship if you lose focus on what YOU want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 24, 2023 Share Posted February 24, 2023 It's understandable that you feel overwhelmed by the constant texting and attention from someone you just met. It's important to remember that everyone has their own pace and comfort level when it comes to relationships. It's okay to communicate your boundaries and let him know that you need more space and time to get to know each other. Canceling a date last minute is not ideal, but it's better than going and feeling uncomfortable or resentful. You don't owe him anything just because he offered to do sweet things for you or venmoed you money. If you feel uncomfortable accepting his gestures, you can politely decline or express your gratitude without feeling obligated to reciprocate. You don't have to be harsh or hurtful, but it's important to let him know that you don't see things progressing any further. Everyone has the right to their own feelings and boundaries, and it's okay to prioritize your own comfort and well-being. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 24, 2023 Share Posted February 24, 2023 1 hour ago, sushiandtacos said: I offered to pay for both of our tickets and he declined saying that it's totally fine. AND THEN he proceeded to venmo ME money because he felt bad that I had a rough time at work... I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure and I owe this guy something 😕 He sounds sweet on the surface but him sending you money was so very weird and a bit creepy. How much money did he send you? If it were me, I'd be sending it back and then blocking all forms of contact lest he hang on your peripheral 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 24, 2023 Share Posted February 24, 2023 3 hours ago, sushiandtacos said: . AND THEN he proceeded to venmo ME money because he felt bad that I had a rough time at work. Sorry this is happening. Do not accept financial help from him. He can't Venmo you money without your consent. If you're not interested, it's best to cut all ties and not obligate yourself. He seems a bit overbearing, so refund his Venmo money and delete and block him. It's best not to share financial information with someone you had one date with. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
petrolheadno1 Posted February 24, 2023 Share Posted February 24, 2023 How did it go in the end? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 24, 2023 Share Posted February 24, 2023 (edited) 14 hours ago, sushiandtacos said: Deleted. Edited February 24, 2023 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 24, 2023 Share Posted February 24, 2023 so how did it go? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sushiandtacos Posted February 24, 2023 Author Share Posted February 24, 2023 I still haven't sent the rejection text yet, been putting it off I know 😕 But he was understanding when I cancelled, just haven't told him that I haven't been feeling it or see this going anywhere yet Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts