Is it acceptable to cancel a date in two hours?

[ShyViolet]

14 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

I offered to pay for both of our tickets and he declined saying that it's totally fine. AND THEN he proceeded to venmo ME money because he felt bad that I had a rough time at work... I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure and I owe this guy something 😕 

He randomly venmo'd you money after you cancelled on him?  That is just crazy behavior and kind of creepy.  This guy sounds a little crazy to be honest.  Return the money and then block him.  And of course you don't owe him anything!!

[sushiandtacos]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

He randomly venmo'd you money after you cancelled on him?  That is just crazy behavior and kind of creepy.  This guy sounds a little crazy to be honest.  Return the money and then block him.  And of course you don't owe him anything!!

I know! I normally don't cancel dates and pretty good about following thru with my word unless something happens but my intuition and gut told me not to go after his texting behavior and him being overbearing. 

IDK how he even found my venmo handle too

[squeakypoptart]

You don’t owe anyone anything. You should never do anything you don’t want to do just to keep someone else happy, it’s not fair. I guess just offer to pay him back and explain that it’s not personal and you’re not really feeling it anymore. Feelings change, and you’re valid 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, sushiandtacos said:

I know! I normally don't cancel dates and pretty good about following thru with my word unless something happens but my intuition and gut told me not to go after his texting behavior and him being overbearing. 

IDK how he even found my venmo handle too

I'm getting the sense that he could be a borderline stalker.  You were right to trust your instincts and not go on this date.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

I still haven't sent the rejection text yet, been putting it off I know 😕 

But he was understanding when I cancelled, just haven't told him that I haven't been feeling it or see this going anywhere yet

So you cancelled without breaking it off with him?   Now you're just messing him about.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, you follow through with helping friends and family (assuming they are non-toxic).

You do NOT set a rule to follow through on a date when there are even the mildest alarms ringing.

A date with someone is a planned treat. Person gets to meet you. They have no right to meet you. And your duty is to yourself first. You might be confusing the ethics of dating with the ethics of reaching out to the shy kid in the cafeteria in school. That can be a good gesture. 

There is no virtue--none!!!!---in following through a date that you don't want to go on. 

To look at it from a different angle, by going on the date you're saying, "I'm open and sorta interested." 

So when you go out with someone you don't feel good about you are violating the expectations of the date, which is that you really WANT (not should) to be there. Much better to avoid someone than to show up not wanting to be there. OP, you are super-nice apparently and worried about hurting others' feelings. I'm like you so I can identify--which is why I learned the hard way that "niceness" has to be guarded against in dating.

Because once you show up to a date you aren't interested in, you (especially someone super nice like you--and yes me, I'm quite like you) will be warm and friendly and open, right? And you can get trapped in dishonest niceness. This other person can easily interpret the niceness as interest---and interest on a second date, so this is real and building interest!  So you will have to cut things off anyway--you'll have to tell the person no, I don't want to see you again. Which can actually be harder than saying "no interest" after one date!

See the trap?

 

 

[salparadise]

6 hours ago, sushiandtacos said:

I still haven't sent the rejection text yet, been putting it off I know 

But he was understanding when I cancelled, just haven't told him that I haven't been feeling it or see this going anywhere yet

Uh oh, you need to cut this off. I just read about him finding your venmo and sending money. I'm afraid you have an unusually obsessive guy here. Sending you money just doesn't make any sense. Return the money. Send him a nice but matter-of-fact message saying you aren't interested. I'd suggest not blocking for a couple of reasons: a) so you can see how he reacts, b) so he can express himself with words as opposed to... c) blocking might be taken as insulting or humiliating. I'd say ease away and try not to engage again after the final message.

[IrinaM]

my venmo is attached to my phone number. anyone with my phone number can venmo me money, if they want. if you want to change that so you have more privacy (might be a good idea?) look into your venmo settings, or maybe google how to do it.

i agree that you gotta send this guy a polite but firm rejection text, and then have no further contact with him. He sounds creepy and obsessed.

[sushiandtacos]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OP, you follow through with helping friends and family (assuming they are non-toxic).

You do NOT set a rule to follow through on a date when there are even the mildest alarms ringing.

A date with someone is a planned treat. Person gets to meet you. They have no right to meet you. And your duty is to yourself first. You might be confusing the ethics of dating with the ethics of reaching out to the shy kid in the cafeteria in school. That can be a good gesture. 

There is no virtue--none!!!!---in following through a date that you don't want to go on. 

To look at it from a different angle, by going on the date you're saying, "I'm open and sorta interested." 

So when you go out with someone you don't feel good about you are violating the expectations of the date, which is that you really WANT (not should) to be there. Much better to avoid someone than to show up not wanting to be there. OP, you are super-nice apparently and worried about hurting others' feelings. I'm like you so I can identify--which is why I learned the hard way that "niceness" has to be guarded against in dating.

Because once you show up to a date you aren't interested in, you (especially someone super nice like you--and yes me, I'm quite like you) will be warm and friendly and open, right? And you can get trapped in dishonest niceness. This other person can easily interpret the niceness as interest---and interest on a second date, so this is real and building interest!  So you will have to cut things off anyway--you'll have to tell the person no, I don't want to see you again. Which can actually be harder than saying "no interest" after one date!

See the trap?

 

 

I relate to this so hard! 

Dating should be fun, not a chore. I've definitely gone on dates where I'm not interested but my normal friendliness gets misinterpreted by interest by the guy, you're right it's definitely a trap.

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

So you cancelled without breaking it off with him?   Now you're just messing him about.

Agree.

If you're undecided about the situation, that's one thing. However, if you feel repelled, it's unclear why you're still engaging with him. It's important to establish firmer boundaries.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, start collecting "I have no interest" lines when you hear them.

Hi, I enjoyed meeting you and you seem like a good guy. But I do not see a romantic future for us. I wish you well.

Type that out--now! ... store it on your phone ...  you can tweak it ...

Hi, I appreciate you reaching out to me after the date. I enjoyed spending time with you. Unfortunately I don't feel like there is a romantic future between us. Good luck.

You can tweak these words many ways  ... I don't feel a romantic connection to you ...  The words have to be direct but these words aren't cruel. It's your job as a nice person to politely close the door. The other person gets to move on. 

You can do it! Write down these lines!

 

[ShyViolet]

On 2/24/2023 at 12:03 PM, sushiandtacos said:

I still haven't sent the rejection text yet, been putting it off I know 😕 

But he was understanding when I cancelled, just haven't told him that I haven't been feeling it or see this going anywhere yet

You're doing the wrong thing by not making a clean break here.  It's essentially stringing him along.  Don't be afraid to just be direct, say you're not interested in going further, cut it off and be done with it.  

[justwhoiam]

Maybe he's creepy. But you were and are being mean.

To recap:

1. You canceled your second date last second, although you had 7 whole days to let him know you didn't feel like having a second date anymore.

2. When you canceled, instead of being honest with him, you made up an excuse which resulted in what seems a misunderstanding. What did you say? That you were too tired from work, that you're working too much lately? So as he obviously likes you, he thought of treating you with some money to get yourself some take out or something as you couldn't be out on the date. He believed your words.

3. His gesture made you feel even worse, and I guess you didn't collect the money yet, did you? Did you reject it/send it back? Maybe you feel bad because he didn't get lost yet, or because you know he's been led on by you and maybe he didn't deserve it.

Here's a lesson for you: when you make a decision, own it. Or it can lead to misunderstandings and you're gonna be the bad guy. And that won't help the way you feel.

[glows]

Trust your instincts. There were reasons why he made you uncomfortable and it was the way he was communicating with you or sending you way too many text messages and not waiting for your response. This is just telling me he may be the kind of person who’s extremely impatient or just plain lacks social cues.

Either way, the situation was uncomfortable. You don’t have to feel bad about that. 

Have you blocked and deleted his contact?

[sushiandtacos]

17 hours ago, glows said:

Trust your instincts. There were reasons why he made you uncomfortable and it was the way he was communicating with you or sending you way too many text messages and not waiting for your response. This is just telling me he may be the kind of person who’s extremely impatient or just plain lacks social cues.

Either way, the situation was uncomfortable. You don’t have to feel bad about that. 

Have you blocked and deleted his contact?

Thanks @glows ! I really was planning on following thru with the date when I initially agreed to it but his communicating habits and lack of boundaries shown in between made me feel uncomfortable for sure. I thought about it and I definitely don't have to feel about it whatsoever like what @Lotsgoingon has explained too, my obligation in dating is to my feelings only not the other party involved especially if something doesn't feel right. 

Update - I did text him that I'm not interested and sent the money back to him. Then I deleted and blocked.

[Lotsgoingon]

Great news OP! Congratulations!!!!!! 

[glows]

1 hour ago, sushiandtacos said:

Thanks @glows ! I really was planning on following thru with the date when I initially agreed to it but his communicating habits and lack of boundaries shown in between made me feel uncomfortable for sure. I thought about it and I definitely don't have to feel about it whatsoever like what @Lotsgoingon has explained too, my obligation in dating is to my feelings only not the other party involved especially if something doesn't feel right. 

Update - I did text him that I'm not interested and sent the money back to him. Then I deleted and blocked.

Fab news. Agree on what you said. Onwards