GF now my wife of 25 years cheated on me 25 years ago I can't get over it or im I over reacting?

[ronrunrun]

Hello back in 1998 was dating a girl who is now still my wife.It was summer of July 1998 we were about 7 weeks in until she went out to a club one night and kissed a guy and got his number.

She told me this 2 days after the incident and i feel i was never the same again. I have stuck with her for 25 years we are still together and married 7 years after this, we both then cheated on each other while together and broken up in the relationship. I am asking im i still over reacting to this day 25 years later from that first time i was cheating on? I have ptsd and she said its high school kiss to get over it.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ronrunrun said:

, we both then cheated on each other while together and broken up in the relationship.

Have you tried marriage counseling? That may help unpack and sort out the issues. It may help uncover the real problems behind the separating and cheating. Reflect if it's really about a kiss 25 yrs ago or everything since then .

[basil67]

I'm not buying it.  If her kissing someone at only 7 weeks in was traumatic enough for you to get PTSD, surely you would have left her rather than married her.  

Frankly both of you cheating while in the marriage is way way worse than that kiss.   And if you couldn't get over that kiss, marrying her while feeling this way is also way worse than the kiss. 

Who diagnosed you with PTSD?  

[NuevoYorko]

One kiss when you were teenagers gave you PTSD and you  can't let go of it - but you and she both cheated (I'm assuming sex happened) and you have no ongoing problems about that?  

Please explain.

[JTSW]

This has to be some kind of joke.

A stupid meaningless kiss in the very early days gave you PTSD?

Elaborate on cheating, because I don't count that as cheating.

And what did your cheating consist of?

Did you both sleep with someone else during your marriage? 

Edited February 27, 2023 by JTSW

[BaileyB]

Are you over reacting because you can’t let go of the fact that your now wife kissed a man and got his number 25 years ago - um, yes. 

With all due respect, if that action was so traumatizing for you why did you marry this woman and why have you stayed with her for 25 years? 

I’m doubt that this kiss is the real issue here because a few sentences later you mention that you both cheated rather casually, and then ask if you are wrong to be focused on the kiss that happened 25 years ago. 

[Atwood]

I don't think shaming the OP is a helpful approach. Most people have probably experienced a hurt from a loved one but continued the relationship despite having a hard time moving on from it. You can love someone but have a hard time forgetting how they hurt you. 

We can't comment on whether or not PTSD is happening because it's not appropriate for us to do that, however, what I'm reading from the OP is that their feelings of betrayal and hurt from an experience early on in their relationship has permeated the rest of their time together, so much so that it feels like a trauma. If the OP is feeling it, they're feeling it. In a sense, the question isn't whether or not you're overreacting (because even if you were you would have stopped feeling this way by now if you could control it). The question is what are you going to do about it now?

 

It sounds like you've both cheated on each other since then and that you've never recovered from the initial betrayal. Are you in a position to access therapy to talk this through?

 

[glows]

On 2/24/2023 at 9:12 AM, ronrunrun said:

Hello back in 1998 was dating a girl who is now still my wife.It was summer of July 1998 we were about 7 weeks in until she went out to a club one night and kissed a guy and got his number.

She told me this 2 days after the incident and i feel i was never the same again. I have stuck with her for 25 years we are still together and married 7 years after this, we both then cheated on each other while together and broken up in the relationship. I am asking im i still over reacting to this day 25 years later from that first time i was cheating on? I have ptsd and she said its high school kiss to get over it.

Maybe it’s the fact that you both cheated on one another that is weighing on you. Displaced anxiety and guilt. Do you know why the cheating happened well into the marriage? Was it flat out physical sex outside the marriage or emotional cheating? 

It was wrong of her to kiss another man while dating you but we have to weigh all the other events since then too.

Did either of you go for individual counselling and marital counselling? 

[BlueberryPie]

The only thing I can think to suggest is therapy, to revisit that long ago incident with professional guidance, since the effects of it did not fade with time.

There must be a reason why you haven't been able to let go of it. So then I guess the "cure" would be to figure out what that reason is? Good luck.

Edited February 28, 2023 by BlueberryPie

[smackie9]

You don't have PTSD. You are feeling this way because something else is happening in your relationship as of recent that is bringing up these old feelings. So what's happened? You think she's cheating? What has shifted in your marriage? What changes have you noticed?