Can I Date a Guy My Friend Slept With?

[ExpatInItaly]

This was always a risk, as I said before. 

Is her reaction extreme? Yes, I would say it was. Telling you that you are dead to her is nuts. However, she is entitled to feel however she feels. If she feels it's a dealbreaker for your friendship, that's her prerogative. It's not really your place to decide that she has no ground to stand on, just as she can't decide for you not to date a man she has history with.

I get why you didn't expect it to go this badly, but you also can't be too surprised that she didn't give it her blessing. This is where your friendship probably ends, and that will likely be best for all of you. 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, squeakypoptart said:

Absolutely! I agree. Thank you for sharing your views and advice. I genuinely appreciate it.

You're welcome.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. It sounds like a difficult situation for both you and your friend. It's understandable that you wanted to be open and honest with her about dating her ex fling, but it's also understandable that she may be hurt or upset by the situation.

I did this in high school (date a friends' past interest), not as an adult, though I have been the recipient in my younger adult years. I disliked the dishonesty leading up to it. At the time, I suggested to my friend that she enjoy the sloppy seconds. Probably not my finest moment. 

I met a man with whom I had a long-term relationship and they dated for several years and had a lovely relationship. Until she cheated on him.

Honestly, they were much better suited for each other.

It's important to remember that everyone has their own boundaries and values when it comes to relationships and dating. While you may not agree with your friend's views on "girl code," all you can do is be mindful and try to understand where she's coming from. It's possible that she feels like you betrayed her trust by dating someone she had a history with, even if she didn't have feelings for him anymore. It's also possible she had lingering feelings for him or maybe felt you didn't communicate with her about it beforehand.

It appears that the situation is that you had sexual relations with him before telling her, and you continued to communicate with him until now. This could be why she perceives the situation differently.

At the same time, it's not fair for your friend to say hurtful and personal things to you or to completely cut you off without any explanation. Ultimately, it's up to your friend to decide if she wants to continue the friendship or not. It doesn't sound like she does so all you can do is respect her decision and take care of yourself. Surround yourself with supportive people and take time to process your own emotions.

Edited February 25, 2023 by Alpacalia

[squeakypoptart]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Questions: how rattled are you? How bummed are you?

You’re right. I really appreciate the thoughtful advice and kind words. Thank you for your insight. 

I’ve spent the day processing and I went through a rollercoaster of emotions. I keep blaming myself for ruining everything but at the same time, it didn’t need to result in this. I’m in so many minds at the moment. I obviously value my friendship and do not want this to be the end of it. It was never my intention and I didn’t anticipate this at all.

A part of me wants to end everything with the man and make amends with my friend. This wouldn't necessarily fix our friendship overnight but at least she might see that I really do value us. It also leaves me and the man hurt. I feel like we were developing something very special and serious. We haven’t had sex since that one-off in summer, it’s been purely getting to know each other and bonding. He’s helped me through a lot. I would really miss him and overall our friendship…

Another part of me wants to respect her decision because 1) I don’t want to make matters worse, 2) I’m hurt by how she reacted and have had my eyes opened. We could patch things up and down the line, she may use personal things against me to intentionally hurt me again. 3) Going back on myself means everything was for nothing and 4) I always prioritise other’s happiness/feelings over mine and I’m a bit exhausted of not being heard or considered. 

It really sucks. Thanks again for this. I’ll keep it all in mind but I fear I probably will end up just cutting everyone off and ghosting for a while. It’s how I cope 

[squeakypoptart]

33 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

but it's also understandable that she may be hurt or upset by the situation.

This is very true. She’s within her rights to feel hurt. Through reflection and reading through all the advice people are giving me, I have learnt a lot and still have learning to do. 

34 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

While you may not agree with your friend's views on "girl code," all you can do is be mindful and try to understand where she's coming from.

Sometimes I forget that not everyone thinks or operates the same way I do and it can take me a while to wrap my head around it when someone else’s view is different from mine. There are some people that would agree with my POV and others who agree with hers. It was insensitive of me to say/believe she doesn’t really have grounds to be upset, because based on her own views, she does. 

34 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It appears that the situation is that you had sexual relations with him before telling her, and you continued to communicate with him until now

The longer version of the story is that we were all out clubbing together (along with his step-brother, Z). We all got wasted and crashed at my place. She slept with Z and I slept with A. Being drunk isn’t an excuse and I took accountability. She cut ties with A after this. I regretted sleeping with him and made it clear to both of them that it wouldn’t happen again and it didn’t. She was kinda mad but brushed it off and we were totally cool. Looking back on the situation, maybe she only brushed it off because she also regretted that night.

I never hid that we became friends though. She knew but to be fair, she probably didn’t expect this to come from it. Neither did I. 

35 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It doesn't sound like she does so all you can do is respect her decision and take care of yourself. Surround yourself with supportive people and take time to process your own emotions.

Yes. Friendship break-ups are really hard. It feels like times been flushed away. It’s even harder because I don’t feel I have any closure since she didn’t really express her feelings. She just flipped and that was that. Maybe she feels the same and would want to speak about things, yet still decide she can’t be friends with me. And that’s okay. I love and care about her a lot and ultimately if she would be happier this way then I respect that. 

Thanks again. I’ll make sure to take care of myself and learn from this situation moving forward. We’re only human after all

[squeakypoptart]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

However, she is entitled to feel however she feels.

You’re right and I’ve reflected on this. Everyone has their own views for their own reasons and I now understand that. l’ll keep this in mind going forward.  

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I get why you didn't expect it to go this badly, but you also can't be too surprised that she didn't give it her blessing

Yeah it’s true. I guess I just thought she would appreciate the honesty even if she didn’t give her blessing. 

Overall, I don’t regret being honest but I do regret that at the time, I didn’t 100% empathise with the fact that we all have different “codes”. This doesn’t necessarily mean anyone should abide by them if they disagree, but bare-minimum is to accept/understand it. 

[Lotsgoingon]

She's definitely entitled to her feelings.

And you are entitled to your feelings of disappointment. You are also entitled to judge her reaction as petty and immature and nasty--and needlessly so. 

I'd be really careful about apologizing for something that in your view (definitely my view) wasn't wrong. You don't want to get in the habit of turning on yourself just because someone else lashes out at you. Your friend has some kind of serious jealousy-insecurity thing going on--you're not responsible for tip-toeing around that.

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, squeakypoptart said:

The longer version of the story is that we were all out clubbing together (along with his step-brother, Z). We all got wasted and crashed at my place. She slept with Z and I slept with A. Being drunk isn’t an excuse and I took accountability. She cut ties with A after this. I regretted sleeping with him and made it clear to both of them that it wouldn’t happen again and it didn’t. She was kinda mad but brushed it off and we were totally cool. Looking back on the situation, maybe she only brushed it off because she also regretted that night.

I never hid that we became friends though. She knew but to be fair, she probably didn’t expect this to come from it. Neither did I. 

It's possible that your friend's decision to sleep with A's step-brother may have been influenced by her own feelings towards A or by a desire to get back at him for sleeping with you.

However, without knowing more about the situation, it's difficult to say for sure what her motivations were.

While it may be tempting to try to reach out to your friend and convince her to change her mind, it's important to remember that ultimately, the decision to end the friendship is hers to make. Friendships can be complex and that even when they end, there are lessons to be learned and growth to be gained. Focus on taking care of yourself and moving forward in a positive direction.

Edited February 26, 2023 by Alpacalia

[MsJayne]

13 hours ago, squeakypoptart said:

The longer version of the story is that we were all out clubbing together (along with his step-brother, Z). We all got wasted and crashed at my place. She slept with Z and I slept with A. Being drunk isn’t an excuse and I took accountability. She cut ties with A after this. I regretted sleeping with him and made it clear to both of them that it wouldn’t happen again and it didn’t. She was kinda mad but brushed it off and we were totally cool. Looking back on the situation, maybe she only brushed it off because she also regretted that night.

Sounds like it was more than hook ups for her even if she always said it wasn't, the evidence is in her cutting ties with A after this incident. She obviously felt some sort of ownership of him, so sleeping with his step-brother probably wasn't the smartest thing to do if if she actually wanted more from A.

Girl Code only applies when you're in an actual relationship with the guy in question, and if she made no secret of doing his brother I'm pretty sure that counts as her being single and having zero say in who gets to sleep with A. You didn't need to apologise for that. She, however, does need to apologise, but if she doesn't I wouldn't worry, she's a terrible friend. She should be careful getting so drunk, it sounds like she doesn't have any spare brain cells to fry. 

[basil67]

13 hours ago, squeakypoptart said:

You’re right and I’ve reflected on this. Everyone has their own views for their own reasons and I now understand that. l’ll keep this in mind going forward.  

Yeah it’s true. I guess I just thought she would appreciate the honesty even if she didn’t give her blessing. 

Overall, I don’t regret being honest but I do regret that at the time, I didn’t 100% empathise with the fact that we all have different “codes”. This doesn’t necessarily mean anyone should abide by them if they disagree, but bare-minimum is to accept/understand it. 

While you have my every sympathy and I think she's over reacting, people don't need to accept or understand it if they don't want to. 

The idea of everyone having their own views and their own reasons does not come with caveats...providing their reaction does not break the law

[princessaurora]

I think it's very possible your friend has/had feelings for this guy and was just saying he was only a hook up because either  A. she was scared to tell him how she really felt or B. she already knew he only saw her as a fb. That would explain why she got mad you slept with him before, but she forgave you because at that point it was just hooking up and not a threat to her.  But now that he's looking at you as potential girlfriend material she may be envious of you because that was something she desired with him and couldn't get. 

[mark clemson]

Given the overreaction, I'd say this (now Ex?) friend of yours isn't very emotionally healthy and doesn't handle breakups well.

Eventually a lot of people get tired of stuff like this, which is why you see people saying they "don't want drama" and similar, e.g. in their dating profiles.

Edited February 26, 2023 by mark clemson

[Alpacalia]

Her sleeping with an ex-fling's stepbrother is a bit of an insult, isn't it?

The potential consequences of engaging in a romantic or sexual relationship with a stepbrother of an ex-fling is a complicated and emotionally charged situation. Be careful not to get sucked into a love triangle inadvertently.

Edited February 26, 2023 by Alpacalia

[squeakypoptart]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

Sleeping with an ex-fling's stepbrother is a bit of an insult, isn't it?

The potential consequences of engaging in a romantic or sexual relationship with a stepbrother of an ex-fling is a complicated and emotionally charged situation. Be careful not to get sucked into a love triangle inadvertently.

I’m a little confused. I think you’ve misunderstood. I have nothing to do with his step-brother. It was my friend that slept with him the same night that I slept with her fling.  I’m not sure if that makes sense … 

I personally wouldn’t do that. It’s weird and a bit of an insult in my opinion too. But whatever. It’s not my business, each to their own ahahah!  

 

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, squeakypoptart said:

I’m a little confused. I think you’ve misunderstood. I have nothing to do with his step-brother. It was my friend that slept with him the same night that I slept with her fling.  I’m not sure if that makes sense … 

I personally wouldn’t do that. It’s weird and a bit of an insult in my opinion too. But whatever. It’s not my business, each to their own ahahah!  

 

I meant your ex friend. I edited my post to say "her."

[justwhoiam]

My question to you is: Did you behave like a friend?

I put myself in your shoes, and if I had been interested in someone my friend had sex with, I would have asked anything about him and what happened, and why she wanted to cut ties with him BEFORE developing any type of connection with this guy. Maybe he insulted her or who knows... maybe she didn't tell the whole story, but willing to do so, to prevent you having a relationship with him. I mean, had it been a good experience, why would she drop him that fast. It looks like her hookup or series of hookups with him didn't end up well. That'd be a red flag for me.

I trust my friends.

Unfortunately, you were not candid about it with your friend since the beginning. I see some other red flags there. I'm not saying nothing serious can develop, but maybe not very likely. I'd question a man who has sex with a drunk woman, not sure if him being drunk too would make it sound better or worse, and I'd question a man who takes advantage of a situation like that and then said he got tired of it.

Also, if she blocked him on social media, it might make sense you are blocked too, because he'd be able to see her profiles, pictures, and anything.

Edited February 26, 2023 by justwhoiam

[JTSW]

If she felt nothing for him then she wouldn't have reacted the way she did.

She wouldn't have been bothered.

She clearly likes him as her reaction was beyond extreme and very unreasonable.

She's not a friend if that is how she treats you when you have basically done nothing wrong.

Don't feel bad and enjoy exploring your new relationship.

Don't let her childish reactions stop you from seeing him.