No Meeting in the Middle

[tattortott]

So before I start I just want to say that if your only advice to me is to leave him it wont be taken to consideration. I understand that people, even the ones in your life that you love have mental illness'. My boyfriend and I have both been through a lot of nasty relationships and are trying and working on recovering every day. Im mostly looking for what to say/do because I feel like I struggle and I say the wrong things or maybe Im in the wrong? I need some actual advice people ❤️ Thanks in advance

So Ive been with my partner (both 32yrs old) for about one year, before we were friends for about ten years... Not always chatting or getting together but we remained friends throughout life.... We got together romantically when we were both out of relationships and basically from day one we've been together. He moved into my place... (weird im having de ja vu right now) very quickly and hes someone I care about so much. He works hard and treats me so good and has always been supportive.. And Im gonna try to make this seem one sided because there are two sides to every story. e've always fought about one thing in particular and cant seem to meet in the middle with this one. 

I feel like its a control thing and he feels like its a barrier thing. He always says he wishes I would just take down my walls (My thoughts: If someone recognizes someone else has walls telling them just to "take them down" isnt gonna do any good. I feel like he uses my "walls" against me which isnt fair) Ive tried and I try everyday to work on this... even though Im not quite sure what it is Im working on....? 

So!!! This started back when we first started seeing each other. He drives a big semi truck for work and he was doing long haul so he was often gone.... So our main communication was telephone. He would be in and out of service and call whenever he could... Theres a lot to it but one night we got into an argument (we do a lot of this) and I had plans to go down to the bar with my brother (who also lives above us) Jesse was calling and I didnt feel like arguing cause i didnt feel we calmed down, so I ignored the calls and went and had a a drink, was at the bar for an hour, then we walked back home. Jesse says all of this has routed from that night. If I would have just answered the phone we wouldnt be where we are.... No fast forward we are still in the same place. I got a new job driving... and I used to love to work and I take it seriously and rarely answer my phone. Jesse and I fought everyday about communicating. If I dont answer his call he will RELENTLESSLEY call me over and over non stop. When we are arguing and I cant deal with it because I have been clinically diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I get really worked up. I say things I dont mean, I cry I yell, I get panick attacks and I cant deal... i literally dont have it in me to stay on the phone and argue. One of us usually ends up hanging up the phone, and after that if he calls me and Im not ready... (usually im ready within an hour to two.) He wont stop calling, over and over and over again. from his phone, to all socail media platforms. I hate feeding into this behavious so sometimes I will block him and try to enjoy my day without the BS. He just wants me to answer the phone, and I just want some time and space to think and he wont budge. We argue about this mostly. Weve had ups and downs, hes been unhappy and chatting with other girls and lieing to me about it, and so I started a PH account and got the attention I deserve.  So its really been tit for tat. We are not working together and it feels terrible not being able to meet in the middle and understand how he doesnt understand I have the right to answer or not if things are just in a vicious loop. 

 

So basically he wants me to answer his phones (its not like we go a whole day without talking... we talk multiple times a day) No matter how Im feeling, or where I am he needs me to not ignore his phone calls and I say no [ ]  way is that possible.... No no one can do that, [ ]  he doesnt answer my calls or texts while hes at work.... what do I do... if i call i text him and let him know its not an emergency and to call when he has time.... Text.... thats it thats all. i leave it be. But if we are fighting and I hang up and ignore he calls. and calls. and calls. no joke.... 77 times in a row... He wont stop and it drives me [ ] bonkers

 

I gotta head out so i quickly did this up! any questions PLEASE feel free to ask! We need help  

Edited February 27, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Weezy1973]

Yes, agree you both need help. I'd definitely recommend individual therapy. This goes beyond anxiety and depression. If I was guessing, both of you likely had dysfunctional / traumatic childhoods and you both lack the ability to self-soothe. Therefore things spiral up and escalate rather than de-escalating. You both have very unhealthy relationship behaviors. I won't suggest breaking up with him, because it's pointless. You'll just enter another unhealthy relationship unless you're willing to make major changes.

[tattortott]

We would love therapy, but its a bit pricey for our state atm. Ive been reading  whatever books I can, and reaching out to friends and family and well strangers too I guess. But if anyone has any exercises we could try or any decent advice. Its not about whos right or wrong its about trying to find a middle that we can both feel good about. 

[Alpacalia]

[ ] 

Furthermore, it's concerning that Jesse becomes so persistent in contacting you across various platforms when you don't answer his calls or messages. You have the right to establish boundaries around communication and prioritize your mental health and wellbeing. If you need some time and space to collect your thoughts or calm down, that's okay. It's not fair for Jesse to expect you to be available to him 24/7 or to react so strongly when you're not.

Is there a specific reason why he feels anxious or worried when he can't reach you?

Jesse talking to other girls and lying about it? Nope. These problems may be adding to the tension and difficulties in your communication, and they could persist if left unaddressed.

Edited February 27, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
doesn't address topic

[tattortott]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

[ ] 

Furthermore, it's concerning that Jesse becomes so persistent in contacting you across various platforms when you don't answer his calls or messages. You have the right to establish boundaries around communication and prioritize your mental health and wellbeing. If you need some time and space to collect your thoughts or calm down, that's okay. It's not fair for Jesse to expect you to be available to him 24/7 or to react so strongly when you're not.

Is there a specific reason why he feels anxious or worried when he can't reach you?

Jesse talking to other girls and lying about it? Nope. These problems may be adding to the tension and difficulties in your communication, and they could persist if left unaddressed.

Thats a good question... Ive asked him why he feels the need to call like that all the time, and he once said it was due to me not answering that first call on the night that my brother and I went for a drink. But then he said he didnt say that.... I could swear he did though and so now I guess I just have to ask "why is it that you feel like you have to get ahold f me" 

But then itll just go {"well its not about that"- him} "whats it about then?" me {"the fact that we are in a conversation(in a fight) and suddenly you cant or dont want to talk so you hang up and dont answer" him] 

I got nothing, I just hate arguing and going no where. I truly believe people need space and time to think and calm down rather than scream at eachother?

why does he insist on carrying on when neither of us are not willing to budge. What makes someone call someone like that.... he wont stop guys its like unbelievable...  I want to be patient but it just doesnt make sense to me, and I bite my tongue a lot and wont budge on being okay with this behaviour. I wonder if we could just meet in the middle! Something I dunno

Edited February 27, 2023 by tattortott
ADDED MORE

[tattortott]

Is it possible to repair a broken relationship fully? Of course if we put the effort in... Im sure maybe... But its been.... Well thius is just a portion of it and I know most people are rolling their eyes like "oh brother" but its easier said than done. We have issues we know... everyone does, sure but some worse thn others and instead of throwing something away that I truly believe is a beautiful thing like all things in life.... Its worth a try 

[basil67]

59 minutes ago, tattortott said:

59 minutes ago, tattortott said:

why does he insist on carrying on when neither of us are not willing to budge. What makes someone call someone like that.... he wont stop guys its like unbelievable...  I want to be patient but it just doesnt make sense to me, and I bite my tongue a lot and wont budge on being okay with this behaviour. I wonder if we could just meet in the middle! Something I dunno

 

He does it for the same reasons that you do this:  When we are arguing and I cant deal with it because I have been clinically diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I get really worked up. I say things I dont mean, I cry I yell, I get panick attacks and I cant deal... i literally dont have it in me to stay on the phone and argue.  It's because he has limited ability to control his emotions...as do you.  Both of you have behaviours which I would say are not conducive to a healthy relationship.

But let's dial it back a bit.  You say that all this happens when you fight.  And that you fight a lot.  What kind of things do you fight over?   And how does a fight escalate from disagreeing on a topic to you this outcome?  

[LynneVicious]

There’s no magic pill or immediate advice that will really help your relationship. You both have to be willing to work at it and make concessions. But as far as the calling nonstop when you request space when you’re arguing: give your boundary plus a consequence. 

“If I tell you I dont want to talk right now and you call me repeatedly, I will block you for 3 days until everything calms down and we can speak rationally”. Then follow through with the consequences. 

[glows]

What happens if you do answer the phone? Does he cuss or is he verbally abusive or go into a long monologue or is he calm? 

[Nowherenear]

Sorry but this is not a healthy relationship and at 32 at least you as a woman should focus on people who actually respect you and treat you well.

[JTSW]

You are both making each other incredibly insecure.

This is not one sided, it's on both of you.

He seems to need allot of reassurance and the more you ignore him the worse he's going to get.

Neither of you are listening to each other at all and it just goes back n forth.

Its not healthy at all. 

Visit your GP and get a referral because you both need help.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, tattortott said:

 . Weve had ups and downs, hes been unhappy and chatting with other girls and lieing to me about it, and so I started a PH account and got the attention I deserve.  

Sorry this is happening. It does seem like a self -exacerbating communication problem. In other words he suffocates you with phone-tethering and you push back by ignoring and blocking. Which in turn he responds with more suffocating and phone-tethering and you react with more shutting out.

Try to deescalate and develop regular times to call, text or video chat. When you can't talk, don't just hang up but rather provide a specific later time to continue the conversation.

Unfortunately part of this has to do with the travelling job making consistent communication more difficult. Additionally you mentioned he's talking to other women so you may have to sort out some underlying problems.

[tattortott]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

He does it for the same reasons that you do this:  When we are arguing and I cant deal with it because I have been clinically diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I get really worked up. I say things I dont mean, I cry I yell, I get panick attacks and I cant deal... i literally dont have it in me to stay on the phone and argue.  It's because he has limited ability to control his emotions...as do you.  Both of you have behaviours which I would say are not conducive to a healthy relationship.

But let's dial it back a bit.  You say that all this happens when you fight.  And that you fight a lot.  What kind of things do you fight over?   And how does a fight escalate from disagreeing on a topic to you this outcome?  

We fight over... what seems to me like anything that threatens the other. Like it feels like we're not on the same team and its a competition...  We've never been able to understand eachothers sides about the calling thing... I hold the fact he was reaching out to other girls, lieing, and making me feel crazy about being suspicious and then saying it was my fault and that any type of suggestion or explanation big or small... The more I think about it the more I def feel like there is a lot of supressed energy from not dealing with the past traumas but he just doesnt feel responsible and not read to accept the fact he was in the wrong... Im not over it yet and maybe thats why I treat him badly... and I do sometimes. Ive become very cold and... s*** maybe there are walls put up on my end. But I just dont feel like Ive healed from it all... but you see... If i were to speak to him about this I feel like he would get upset... Im not asking him to beg on his knees I just want to grow to trust him and it'll probably take some time.. 

[tattortott]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

You are both making each other incredibly insecure.

This is not one sided, it's on both of you.

He seems to need allot of reassurance and the more you ignore him the worse he's going to get.

Neither of you are listening to each other at all and it just goes back n forth.

Its not healthy at all. 

Visit your GP and get a referral because you both need help.

Yeah Im very aware, and getting the help we can as we can. This is true though its back and forth and a lot of butting heads, yes. 

[tattortott]

4 hours ago, glows said:

What happens if you do answer the phone? Does he cuss or is he verbally abusive or go into a long monologue or is he calm? 

Its pretty loud. He tries and maybe can get one sentence out thats calm but even the way I answer the phone can set him off. 

[tattortott]

4 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

There’s no magic pill or immediate advice that will really help your relationship. You both have to be willing to work at it and make concessions. But as far as the calling nonstop when you request space when you’re arguing: give your boundary plus a consequence. 

“If I tell you I dont want to talk right now and you call me repeatedly, I will block you for 3 days until everything calms down and we can speak rationally”. Then follow through with the consequences. 

You think? Thank you, Ill consider that one? Does anyone have thoughts on this one? Cause it makes me nervoud just thinking about it

[BaileyB]

8 hours ago, tattortott said:

Is it possible to repair a broken relationship fully?

That depends on whether the two of you and both willing to compromise, communicate, and respect each other’s boundaries. Right now, you are not really doing that. 

[glows]

4 hours ago, tattortott said:

We fight over... what seems to me like anything that threatens the other. Like it feels like we're not on the same team and its a competition...  We've never been able to understand eachothers sides about the calling thing... I hold the fact he was reaching out to other girls, lieing, and making me feel crazy about being suspicious and then saying it was my fault and that any type of suggestion or explanation big or small... The more I think about it the more I def feel like there is a lot of supressed energy from not dealing with the past traumas but he just doesnt feel responsible and not read to accept the fact he was in the wrong... Im not over it yet and maybe thats why I treat him badly... and I do sometimes. Ive become very cold and... s*** maybe there are walls put up on my end. But I just dont feel like Ive healed from it all... but you see... If i were to speak to him about this I feel like he would get upset... Im not asking him to beg on his knees I just want to grow to trust him and it'll probably take some time.. 

A lot of resentment and not enough trust on both sides. It may be possible to forgive but I’d be realistic about not forgetting and the possibility that this doesn’t work. 

 

4 hours ago, tattortott said:

Its pretty loud. He tries and maybe can get one sentence out thats calm but even the way I answer the phone can set him off. 

If he’s verbally abusive he will have to work on himself. Stop blaming yourself for his uncontrollable temper. 

I strongly suggest private counselling for yourself and figure out why you’re with someone you resent and distrust and can’t communicate with.

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, tattortott said:

Does anyone have thoughts on this one?

Not really a healthy way to deal with it. Telling him how you feel when he calls repeatedly is the best thing to do. If he just gets angry and refuses to alter his behavior- then you can let him know the consequences as outlined. But honestly I’d it gets to that, I’m not sure there’s a point to sticking at the relationship.

I’m actually wondering if you two actually love each other. Love is wanting your partner to be happy. It sounds like neither of you are particularly concerned about each others happiness. In fact it seems like you’re both doing things purposefully to make each other unhappy. Ending the relationship won’t really fix much unless each of you are willing to seek help for your own issues. If you don’t the cycle will keep repeating. 

[basil67]

13 hours ago, tattortott said:

We fight over... what seems to me like anything that threatens the other. Like it feels like we're not on the same team and its a competition... We've never been able to understand eachothers sides about the calling thing...

From what I understand, the 'calling issue' is a result of the fights.  Problem is, you're focussing on the outcomes of the fights, not the cause.  Just how often do you fight?  What exactly started the last fight you had?  Who said what exactly?

Quote

I hold the fact he was reaching out to other girls, lieing, and making me feel crazy about being suspicious and then saying it was my fault and that any type of suggestion or explanation big or small... The more I think about it the more I def feel like there is a lot of supressed energy from not dealing with the past traumas but he just doesnt feel responsible and not read to accept the fact he was in the wrong... Im not over it yet and maybe thats why I treat him badly... and I do sometimes. Ive become very cold and... s*** maybe there are walls put up on my end. But I just dont feel like Ive healed from it all... but you see... If i were to speak to him about this I feel like he would get upset... Im not asking him to beg on his knees I just want to grow to trust him and it'll probably take some time.. 

If he doesn't think he was wrong, then you need to accept that this is how he feels.  After that, make one of two choices:  1. Accept that his view is different to yours and actively work on leaving that problem in the past  or 2. Decide that you can't live with his and end the relationship.   Honestly, this is very toxic on both sides. 

If you were to end then relationship with him, what do you think his reaction would be?  Do you live together?  Is there any drug or alcohol abuse happening for either/both of you?

 

Edited February 28, 2023 by basil67

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I think you need to sit down with him and start talking to each other in as simple ways as possible.  You both are talking through a lot of baggage which muffles the sounds so you don’t hear each other.

1. Throw out some ideas of what love is for each of you.  For me it is about giving, patience and forgiveness.

2. Each of you choose 2.

3. Agree on a plan to practice doing things every day that confirms your four choices.  Do at least one if not more.
 

you need to simplify as much as possible.  Build the foundation.  And recognize that you should do things for the other person even if you don’t want to.  That is part of the compromise. And you live by example not by pointing fingers.  

[Alpacalia]

20 hours ago, tattortott said:

Thats a good question... Ive asked him why he feels the need to call like that all the time, and he once said it was due to me not answering that first call on the night that my brother and I went for a drink. But then he said he didnt say that.... I could swear he did though and so now I guess I just have to ask "why is it that you feel like you have to get ahold f me" 

But then itll just go {"well its not about that"- him} "whats it about then?" me {"the fact that we are in a conversation(in a fight) and suddenly you cant or dont want to talk so you hang up and dont answer" him] 

I got nothing, I just hate arguing and going no where. I truly believe people need space and time to think and calm down rather than scream at eachother?

why does he insist on carrying on when neither of us are not willing to budge. What makes someone call someone like that.... he wont stop guys its like unbelievable...  I want to be patient but it just doesnt make sense to me, and I bite my tongue a lot and wont budge on being okay with this behaviour. I wonder if we could just meet in the middle! Something I dunno

Blaming you for your suspicions or trying to make you feel crazy for talking to other women and being dishonest about it is a form of gaslighting, which is a manipulative tactic used to make someone doubt their own thoughts and feelings. It's not a healthy or respectful way to handle the situation.

Does he repeatedly contact you when he knows you are busy and becomes upset when you don't answer? If so, that is a sign of controlling behavior. Does he need to know your whereabouts and the people you're with? If yes, that signals an interruption of your focus to get your attention back on him. In which case it is a rabbit hole you're going down.

However, if he's calling for reasonable communication purposes, that's quite different.

Hanging up or not responding mid-conversation creates tension and implies you don't value his feelings. 

Calling excessively, making multiple calls in a short period, that comes from a place of insecurity. A constant stream of texts and phone calls isn't cute or endearing. Keeping in touch with your significant other is natural, but you have to learn to recognize when it becomes excessive and even harmful. 

Remember, your actions set an example for your boyfriend's future behavior.

It sounds like you are experiencing a lot of stress and anxiety in your relationship with your boyfriend. While you may not be ready or willing to leave him, it's important to recognize that his behavior towards you is not healthy or acceptable.

The fact that he relentlessly calls you when you are not ready to talk or argue is a clear sign of controlling behavior. It's not okay for him to demand that you answer his calls or messages immediately, especially when you have anxiety and panic attacks. It's also not okay for him to chat with other girls and lie to you about it.

You mention that you are both working on recovering from past nasty relationships, but it's important to acknowledge that unhealthy behavior in past relationships does not excuse or justify abusive behavior in a current relationship.

It's okay to set boundaries and communicate your needs to your boyfriend. If you need space to think or process your emotions, it's important that he respects that. It's also important for you to respect your own boundaries and take care of your mental health.

Remember that you deserve to be in a healthy and safe relationship, and it's never too late to seek help and make changes for the better.

Take care.

[tattortott]

16 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Not really a healthy way to deal with it. Telling him how you feel when he calls repeatedly is the best thing to do. If he just gets angry and refuses to alter his behavior- then you can let him know the consequences as outlined. But honestly I’d it gets to that, I’m not sure there’s a point to sticking at the relationship.

I’m actually wondering if you two actually love each other. Love is wanting your partner to be happy. It sounds like neither of you are particularly concerned about each others happiness. In fact it seems like you’re both doing things purposefully to make each other unhappy. Ending the relationship won’t really fix much unless each of you are willing to seek help for your own issues. If you don’t the cycle will keep repeating. 

Im actually starting to wonder that myself and I agree with you. Theres love sometimes, theres care and laughter but then I catch myself wondering where my partner is the other times...and why is it so hard for him to just say sorry and keep it shut instead of turning it around on me....I feel like he has seperation issues, from when he was young and is that a reason to just give up? And I can agree that Im not little miss innocent, I dont intend on it but I feel like we both have issues, in almost all areas and although thts a recipe for disaster (apparently) Im just not ready to write it off yet because I KNOW he is a fantastic guy with good intentions and we're working on it every day.... We read self-help books and record our arguments and discussions (if anyone wants to hear... I can show you what its like/how it goes) to go over later on and see where we went wrong... We're trying everyday and I believe we can figure out what the glitch is... 

[tattortott]

8 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

I think you need to sit down with him and start talking to each other in as simple ways as possible.  You both are talking through a lot of baggage which muffles the sounds so you don’t hear each other.

1. Throw out some ideas of what love is for each of you.  For me it is about giving, patience and forgiveness.

2. Each of you choose 2.

3. Agree on a plan to practice doing things every day that confirms your four choices.  Do at least one if not more.
 

you need to simplify as much as possible.  Build the foundation.  And recognize that you should do things for the other person even if you don’t want to.  That is part of the compromise. And you live by example not by pointing fingers.  

I love this idea.... back to the basics.  Mine would be probably, honesty (because of lies in the past) but thats a given and with honesty comes trust and I feel like I actually can trust him now but then theres worry cause of the fact the reason he went looking elsewhere was because I was accusing him so he figured "might as well do what she already thinks im doing" man, it makes me so mad thinking about it... oh well. I guess mine would be acceptance, just to accept that persons feelings.. and just be quiet and take it in and acknolegement... so maybe acknoldgment... and just support. 

 

[JTSW]

Honestly OP, relationships are not meant to be so toxic and fraught like this.