glows Posted February 28, 2023 Share Posted February 28, 2023 (edited) 5 hours ago, tattortott said: I love this idea.... back to the basics. Mine would be probably, honesty (because of lies in the past) but thats a given and with honesty comes trust and I feel like I actually can trust him now but then theres worry cause of the fact the reason he went looking elsewhere was because I was accusing him so he figured "might as well do what she already thinks im doing" man, it makes me so mad thinking about it... oh well. I guess mine would be acceptance, just to accept that persons feelings.. and just be quiet and take it in and acknolegement... so maybe acknoldgment... and just support. Does he look for other women after a heated disagreement because he can’t self-soothe or needs someone to validate his feelings? It’s possible he hasn’t learned how to do that with himself. He is responsible for his own emotions. All that means is that when there’s a challenge or adversity he knows how to handle his own thoughts and fears or emotions. Put things in perspective, if you will. The problem is he is partnered with a person (you) who seems naturally distrustful due to your own past. You can’t soothe him (and nor should you have to really) and he doesn’t know how to do it himself. Know that you cannot make up for all of his insecurities and issues. He has to do most of the work here and become the stable partner you can trust in the long term. I think you’re in an unstable environment and naturally resisting and recoiling from him. Now you’ve also started to mirror him looking for others to distract or validate your feelings when he fails to be the partner you want. Why do the same things he does if you know it bothers you? There’s irony in this. You don’t have to be like him. Edited February 28, 2023 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted February 28, 2023 Share Posted February 28, 2023 6 hours ago, tattortott said: I feel like he has seperation issues, from when he was young and is that a reason to just give up? If he acknowledges the issues, and how it leads to his current behaviour, and he’s actively working to not behave in those ways, then no reason to give up. But he doesn’t apologize and twists things to make them your fault. So…. 6 hours ago, tattortott said: We're trying everyday and I believe we can figure out what the glitch is... It isn’t a glitch. These are deep issues likely rooted in childhood trauma and family dysfunction. It’s not something where you can flip a switch and suddenly you have a healthy relationship. Individual therapy for each of you will just be the start. Self help books won’t cut it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tattortott Posted March 1, 2023 Author Share Posted March 1, 2023 On 2/27/2023 at 4:26 PM, basil67 said: From what I understand, the 'calling issue' is a result of the fights. Problem is, you're focussing on the outcomes of the fights, not the cause. Just how often do you fight? What exactly started the last fight you had? Who said what exactly? If he doesn't think he was wrong, then you need to accept that this is how he feels. After that, make one of two choices: 1. Accept that his view is different to yours and actively work on leaving that problem in the past or 2. Decide that you can't live with his and end the relationship. Honestly, this is very toxic on both sides. If you were to end then relationship with him, what do you think his reaction would be? Do you live together? Is there any drug or alcohol abuse happening for either/both of you? Ive tried, many times, Ive been in the heat of an argument and I want him to stop getting in my face and tell him to get out but it never happens.. We live together, we have a dog, we have a cat and both of us, yes, drink and so on.... Our health is not the greatest and I honestly think that neither of us are getting enough sleep, eating properly, and just even the environment we live in is toxic. We spent many hours fixing our basement suite up to make it nice but now the people that live above us are always arguing and what not so that makes it very tense on everyone including the animals... See, this is kind of why Im not not going to just toss it away like I feel a lot of people are thinking. Ive known him for 11ish years. Hes always been a good friend of mine and ive always looked up to him. This past year has been ESPECIALLY tough because his father passed, his very good friend passed... (we now have his friends dog who adds only love and support to our crazy family) our cat whos been in his life for 14 years ran away.... and so on.... I mean, life aint easy, it never will be but we lterally have not had a single moment to stop and smell the roses. I just cant walk away because I feel like we are genuinley both very amazing people with big hearts.... and every now and then its like he cracks and he opens up and apologizes and he is making progress slowly, we both are.. Sorry Im kind of just going on now,, Thank you everyone for listening and helping with your advice and suggestions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tattortott Posted March 1, 2023 Author Share Posted March 1, 2023 12 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: If he acknowledges the issues, and how it leads to his current behaviour, and he’s actively working to not behave in those ways, then no reason to give up. But he doesn’t apologize and twists things to make them your fault. So…. It isn’t a glitch. These are deep issues likely rooted in childhood trauma and family dysfunction. It’s not something where you can flip a switch and suddenly you have a healthy relationship. Individual therapy for each of you will just be the start. Self help books won’t cut it. Does anyone here believe in the power of the mind???... mind over matter??? Manifesting... Creating your own world. Suddenly everything gets blamed and swept under the rug and labelled "childhood trauma" Ive heard so much about this lately and its almost the trendy thing to say. Im sure in some cases yes, if you were raped or abused as a child there is going to need to be some therapy there... I didnt have a good childhood, it was pretty tough but thats what made me the girl I am today. Life sucks, yes. People get in ruts, and get down and sad and hate to carry on with life but a majority of the time they pick them selves up and push through. Not because they had therapy or maybe they didnt even talk to anyone for support at all. But if you can wake up one day and have something shift and change your outlook your doing just fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tattortott Posted March 1, 2023 Author Share Posted March 1, 2023 On 2/27/2023 at 12:51 AM, Nowherenear said: Sorry but this is not a healthy relationship and at 32 at least you as a woman should focus on people who actually respect you and treat you well. Well if I walked away from every person who disrespected me in life Id have no one... People make mistakes and can have certain things happen or just be in a dark place and do and say things they dont mean... If you just turn away from anyone who disrespects you and not facing it and working on it together then I feel like that person would be very sheltered. Life is about forgiveness and if you cant forgive then thats something you will most likely have on your shoulders for some time. Link to post Share on other sites
Nowherenear Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 8 hours ago, tattortott said: Well if I walked away from every person who disrespected me in life Id have no one... People make mistakes and can have certain things happen or just be in a dark place and do and say things they dont mean... If you just turn away from anyone who disrespects you and not facing it and working on it together then I feel like that person would be very sheltered. Life is about forgiveness and if you cant forgive then thats something you will most likely have on your shoulders for some time. Constant disrespect is not a mistake, it's something someone either feels for someone else or they don't. You can't forgive someone who doesn't even respect you because it's certain they will do the same "mistakes" over and over again. Anyway, I'm sure in 5 years when you look back you will regret wasting your time with this person. God bless. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 On 2/27/2023 at 1:32 AM, tattortott said: If I dont answer his call he will RELENTLESSLEY call me over and over non stop. He thinks you need to take your walls down. He does not seem to respect boundaries. Wondering what are these "walls" that he wants down. All your boundaries? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 10 hours ago, tattortott said: Ive tried, many times, Ive been in the heat of an argument and I want him to stop getting in my face and tell him to get out but it never happens.. We live together, we have a dog, we have a cat and both of us, yes, drink and so on.... Our health is not the greatest and I honestly think that neither of us are getting enough sleep, eating properly, and just even the environment we live in is toxic. We spent many hours fixing our basement suite up to make it nice but now the people that live above us are always arguing and what not so that makes it very tense on everyone including the animals... See, this is kind of why Im not not going to just toss it away like I feel a lot of people are thinking. Ive known him for 11ish years. Hes always been a good friend of mine and ive always looked up to him. This past year has been ESPECIALLY tough because his father passed, his very good friend passed... (we now have his friends dog who adds only love and support to our crazy family) our cat whos been in his life for 14 years ran away.... and so on.... I mean, life aint easy, it never will be but we lterally have not had a single moment to stop and smell the roses. I just cant walk away because I feel like we are genuinley both very amazing people with big hearts.... and every now and then its like he cracks and he opens up and apologizes and he is making progress slowly, we both are.. Sorry Im kind of just going on now,, Thank you everyone for listening and helping with your advice and suggestions. We can care deeply about someone and yet not be in a romantic relationship with that person. Keep in mind it is a world for the taking so if you’re feeling this is right for you then so be it. You design and create your own life. Make your own happiness - “manifest”, if you will. I strongly believe that but it also means being selective about situations you put yourself in. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 (edited) 10 hours ago, tattortott said: Does anyone here believe in the power of the mind???... mind over matter??? Manifesting... Creating your own world. You change your world by changing your actions. Doing things differently. Often that means doing things you don’t want to do or that don’t come naturally. 10 hours ago, tattortott said: Suddenly everything gets blamed and swept under the rug and labelled "childhood trauma" Ive heard so much about this lately and its almost the trendy thing to say. Im sure in some cases yes, if you were raped or abused as a child there is going to need to be some therapy there... Childhood trauma causes us to have defense mechanisms and those defense mechanisms cause troubled relationships. You’re 32 and in your own words have only been in dysfunctional relationships including your current one. You can ignore it all you want, but as long as you do, the patterns will continue. 10 hours ago, tattortott said: Life sucks, yes. No, it really doesn’t. Life just is. It’s our perceptions (often formed in childhood) that determine how we feel life is. And for you, seemingly, it sucks. So why keep doing things the same way? Hanging onto the same people? Edited March 1, 2023 by Weezy1973 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 The power of the mind and the concept of "mind over matter" can be relevant in dysfunctional relationships, but that also means recognizing limitations. If you or Jesse have negative thought patterns and beliefs it will exacerbate the situation. In these cases, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be a useful tool in helping to identify and change these thought patterns. "Mind over matter" is not a cure for dysfunctional relationships. While changing negative thought patterns can be helpful, it's not always enough to address deeper issues such as abuse, manipulation, or control. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 (edited) 12 hours ago, tattortott said: Does anyone here believe in the power of the mind???... mind over matter??? Manifesting... Creating your own world. Suddenly everything gets blamed and swept under the rug and labelled "childhood trauma" Ive heard so much about this lately and its almost the trendy thing to say. It definitely is the trendy thing to say. I've been around for a while. There have been pop psychology trends completely dominating forums of this type forever, but the new ones are coming on faster and faster and everybody seems to jump right on board. It was "love language," "attachment style," "personality type," and now every time I look I'm hearing about "trauma" and "triggering." I agree with others who've said that the reason you often fight, and the behaviors that both of you practice that lead to the fights is the first thing that need to be looked at. And then, HOW you "fight." I will respect your request not to suggest you part ways, but this kind of fighting and that you both seem to just run with it is very concerning. That is simply toxic. Anyway. Seems like both of you have behavior issues regarding how you interact that you EACH truly need to take responsibility and be fully accountable for. It's very behavioral. For example, he needs to stop blowing up your phone whether you answer it or not - that would be on him. You need to change how you talk when you're in a "fight" with him - that's on you. A therapist can really help. Edited March 1, 2023 by NuevoYorko Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 1, 2023 Share Posted March 1, 2023 19 hours ago, tattortott said: Ive tried, many times, Ive been in the heat of an argument and I want him to stop getting in my face and tell him to get out but it never happens.. And I ask again, what are these arguments about? What triggered the last couple of arguments? Quote We live together, we have a dog, we have a cat and both of us, yes, drink and so on.... Our health is not the greatest and I honestly think that neither of us are getting enough sleep, eating properly, and just even the environment we live in is toxic. We spent many hours fixing our basement suite up to make it nice but now the people that live above us are always arguing and what not so that makes it very tense on everyone including the animals... While there's not much you can do about the neighbours above, what steps are you taking to address the alcohol, lack of sleep and poor eating? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tattortott Posted March 3, 2023 Author Share Posted March 3, 2023 On 2/28/2023 at 6:24 AM, glows said: Does he look for other women after a heated disagreement because he can’t self-soothe or needs someone to validate his feelings? It’s possible he hasn’t learned how to do that with himself. He is responsible for his own emotions. All that means is that when there’s a challenge or adversity he knows how to handle his own thoughts and fears or emotions. Put things in perspective, if you will. The problem is he is partnered with a person (you) who seems naturally distrustful due to your own past. You can’t soothe him (and nor should you have to really) and he doesn’t know how to do it himself. Know that you cannot make up for all of his insecurities and issues. He has to do most of the work here and become the stable partner you can trust in the long term. I think you’re in an unstable environment and naturally resisting and recoiling from him. Now you’ve also started to mirror him looking for others to distract or validate your feelings when he fails to be the partner you want. Why do the same things he does if you know it bothers you? There’s irony in this. You don’t have to be like him. You are so right... I felt like its never been fair and even in past relationships my boyfriends stare, comment and make me feel uncomfortable when it comes to other females. Now, I get it, men are, well men. They cant help it I dont think but there should be a line and some respect to your partner and I kind of just sucked it up, didn't say anything and suppressed how I felt and lived like that til resentment builds up? I guess I kind of just expect my partner to be a gentlemen in that sense?... Yeah he does... he did a lot more before, so he has gotten a bit better (that Im aware of, or he just got better at hiding it) He used to leave magazines and his man toys (tons of those) and lube all over the house, in his lunch kit for work... in his truck... so I was well aware how often he was going at it, (and I realize that masturbating is a lot different then actually actively looking for local woman online via hook up sites and dating sites) whicH I find disrespectful as well.... It makes me feel like less of a woman and that hes not interested in me. But sorry rambling and off topic... Yeah he would often look and play right after a fight and that hurts too. Its like... arnt you sad? Your first reaction is to go chat and touch yourself meanwhile Im crying and upset? Men... *rolling eyes* Link to post Share on other sites
Author tattortott Posted March 3, 2023 Author Share Posted March 3, 2023 On 2/28/2023 at 12:59 AM, JTSW said: Honestly OP, relationships are not meant to be so toxic and fraught like this. Yeah... They arnt are they? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tattortott Posted March 3, 2023 Author Share Posted March 3, 2023 On 3/1/2023 at 3:06 PM, basil67 said: And I ask again, what are these arguments about? What triggered the last couple of arguments? While there's not much you can do about the neighbours above, what steps are you taking to address the alcohol, lack of sleep and poor eating? Uhmmm well we actually had one today. Cause I deleted my snapchat account cause it was causing problems between us cause he had suspicion that I had been chatting with other men on there (even though he has access and whenever he asks to see it Im more then happy and proud to show him) and then he ended up not liking the fact I deleted the account and wanted to know if I was going to recover it, which I planned on it because Im a big picture taker and I have tons of photos saved on the account. This app also has me tracked so he can see where I am, so maybe hes upset cause he cant see me on the map... but then theres google maps location that he can see me on... Anyways he ended up having a argument about it all on his own, and I aid that.... I was very calm and told him I didnt want to talk about it on no sleep, lack of food and what not and that we would talk about it when he got home but he wouldnt take that so he started calling like he does, I told him it was his last chance and and that if he kep at it I would be blocking him and he continued... I didnt block him, I left my phone in the room and had a bath and read, then I fell asleep and woke up hours later and everything was fine..... I honestly dont even know how to explain it, and I honestly dont know what he was so persistant about it and having an answer now. Its like he has no patience and thinks that Im [power tripping and just have to be the superior one when thats actually how I feel, well. that hes worried im more powerful or something?? I dunno. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tattortott Posted March 3, 2023 Author Share Posted March 3, 2023 Can you post photos on this website? Link to post Share on other sites
Lisa Posted March 3, 2023 Senior Moderators Share Posted March 3, 2023 (edited) 8 hours ago, tattortott said: Can you post photos on this website? No, we do not permit photos or links to photos for privacy reasons Edited March 3, 2023 by Lisa Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted March 6, 2023 Share Posted March 6, 2023 On 3/3/2023 at 1:56 PM, tattortott said: Cause I deleted my snapchat account cause it was causing problems between us cause he had suspicion that I had been chatting with other men on there Has there been a past incident of cheating in the relationship? Or has he been cheated on by previous GFs? He's extremely insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 6, 2023 Share Posted March 6, 2023 On 2/26/2023 at 7:32 PM, tattortott said: . He moved into my place... He works hard and treats me so good .hes been unhappy and chatting with other girls and lieing to me about it, and so I started a PH account Unfortunately there's a lot of communication mishaps. Is he aware that you know he's taking to other women? Is he aware of the PH account? Were any of the arguments related to these? Set aside specific times to stay in touch while he's on the road, so you both can manage the communication better without resorting to chaos and arguments. Link to post Share on other sites
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