Sudden break up [Update: struggling seeing him move on]

[Daniella B]

So my boyfriend (27) of nearly 4 months just ended things with me (23) suddenly yesterday. 
Before I continue with the details, I need you to know that I don’t want the length of our relationship to impact your answers or judgement. This man was truly love at first sight that I simply cannot describe, and you will only understand if you have felt this before.

We met online and he was already bragging about me to his family before I had even met him! He said he simply knew that I was going to be his forever person. 
We became official just after a month. He was so proud to show me off to everyone and he was in fact the one who was waiting on me to make things official.

I spent Christmas at his family’s and met his extended family that day. Everything just seemed perfect. He had dinner at my family’s a couple days later to meet them for the first time and that also went down really well. He’s been over for dinner a couple times after that and they’ve also gone just fine. I’ve been to his parents house many times and they absolutely adore me. They bought me Xmas presents as well which was just incredibly lovely and my boyfriend said that he knew he’d made the right choice with me because his parents had never initiated conversation with his exes because they never liked them, and they certainly never bought them Xmas presents, but they did for me after just over a month.

My boyfriend has also met my cousins before with no problem at all. I recently met a couple of his mates (one of them being his best mate), and no problem. Everything blew up yesterday when he was meant to meet my friends for the first time.

He lives an hour away from me, and my friends agreed to drive down and have lunch with us. I woke my boyfriend up half n hour before we had to leave and he just refused to get up and kept going back to sleep. Eventually it was 12:30 and I said to him “what are you doing? If you’re not downstairs in 10mins I’m leaving without you”. He never came down, so I stormed back up and he was still sitting in his bed. I asked him what the hell he was doing and he couldn’t look at me. I asked him bluntly, “are you coming or not?”. He said no. I bursted into tears in complete shock and he told me to sit down, to which he went on to explain that meeting my friends was a big deal and that it would make things ‘real’, to which I sarcastically replied and said “what? Because it will make us ‘official’?” And he said yes. I told him I couldn’t understand that as we already are official, we’ve met each other’s families, we’re exclusive. I was so upset and he tried to hug me and I told him I couldn’t be around him and I left and went to see my friends (even though I was a wreck!).

I decided to go back after and see him to get a better explanation and he simply said that he thought he was ready for a relationship and he’s realised he’s not. His last relationship messed him up really badly and he has no feelings at all towards his ex but he simply has no emotional availability. he says he doesn’t feel emotions to situations and he doesn’t know why, and that he’s been holding back from opening up to me and being affectionate (which I haven’t noticed- he’s been an open book from day one!). He said he has financial goals that he hasn’t met yet and he was talking about needing to do a 10 week swing at work (he’s fifo), to pay off previous debts from his last relationship, etc. etc. 

He said he still loves me but he needs to fix himself and that he probably doesn’t want a relationship maybe ever. I asked him if he wants to fight for us and he said there’s nothing to fight for because there’s nothing wrong with us at all, it’s him. I asked if this is it and he said yes.
I was completely broken and drove to his parents house to tell them and essentially say goodbye incase I never see them again. They were in utter shock and were worried about him. They said that he swore after his last relationship that he would never be in another one ever again but when he met me they saw something change inside him that they’ve never seen before.

All week he was sitting at home in his bedroom binge watching a tv show (I don’t think he really left the house to be honest). He hasn’t been allowed at work for 3 weeks because his sister was recently in a serious car crash and his workplace policy wouldn’t allow him back to the site for mental health reasons. So I wonder if all of this has had an impact on him.

I messaged him last night to say all those reasons and that I’m worried about him and to please not give up on us and he replied by saying that those are not the reasons and that he’s a lone wolf and has realised he is happier being single. And that what I’m looking for I won’t find with him.

I sent a follow up message today and told him that I’m ready to pack my bags and drive down to fight for him unless he tells me not to and can say goodbye. He replied with “I’m sorry, this is goodbye”, to which I said “so that’s it, you never want to see me again?”. He hasn’t replied. He’s still active on his socials and hasn’t removed me from anything either.

What do you think is going on? His dad seems to think he might be depressed from everything that’s happened the last few weeks and that time and space might make him realise what he’s lost. My brother seems to think that maybe everything has caught up to him and he’s overwhelmed, and the fact he’s still paying off debts from his previous relationship might be taking a toll on his new relationship with me because the man is meant to be the ‘provider’ and it’s taken a toll on his confidence?

Honestly any input would be so appreciated. I’m devastated and in shock. How can someone who has been nothing but amazing and supportive and loving one day just decide that they want to be single forever? I simply don’t buy it. Does this sound like a phase and he just needs time? 

Edited March 20, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Daniella B said:

I was completely broken and drove to his parents house to tell them and essentially say goodbye incase I never see them again. I sent a follow up message today and told him that I’m ready to pack my bags and drive down to fight for him unless he tells me not to 

Sorry this is happening. It seems his parents and your brother have insight that he's overwhelmed by too much too soon. Try to step back and give him space. Perhaps he's not ready willing or able to have a relationship at this time due to the reasons he cited, perhaps he has more financial and mental health issues than you're aware of. Give him and his family some space for now.

[Daniella B]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It seems his parents and your brother have insight that he's overwhelmed by too much too soon. Try to step back and give him space. Perhaps he's not ready willing or able to have a relationship at this time due to the reasons he cited, perhaps he has more financial and mental health issues than you're aware of. Give him and his family some space for now.

Thank you so much for your message🙏🏼

I should add that he doesn’t have any financial issues as such. He earns great money on the mines and always says that money is nothing for him. He has been trying to apply for home loans and has been rejected because of his debt his paying off, which I think has definitely upset him. 
He says he doesn’t want any commitment anymore. How can someone flick a switch so suddenly? Or is he perhaps in a not so good mental health space and isn’t thinking clearly.

[salparadise]

27 minutes ago, Daniella B said:

His dad seems to think he might be depressed from everything that’s happened the last few weeks and that time and space might make him realise what he’s lost. My brother seems to think that maybe everything has caught up to him and he’s overwhelmed...

I suspect that it's something along these lines. Afraid to lose himself, unable to tolerate vulnerability and loss of control over his emotions. It's hard to say whether he'll recover or double down. Things progressed fast and he suddenly found himself out of his comfort zone and fear dominated. All you can do is give him some time and space, which will be hard on you. At some point you'll have to try and move on if he doesn't come around. 

[Daniella B]

8 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I suspect that it's something along these lines. Afraid to lose himself, unable to tolerate vulnerability and loss of control over his emotions. It's hard to say whether he'll recover or double down. Things progressed fast and he suddenly found himself out of his comfort zone and fear dominated. All you can do is give him some time and space, which will be hard on you. At some point you'll have to try and move on if he doesn't come around. 

Thank you for your insight, it’s very much appreciated.

I'm not holding my breath but I will wait and see if him flying back to work and getting into routine where he has nothing to do but work, eat, sleep, and THINK, makes a difference.

[JTSW]

I know you said not to mention the length of time that you have been together, but it's not enough time to really know someone.

You say it was love at first sight but you don't really know each other yet.

It suddenly became real/serious to him and he is obviously freaking out about it.

Give him some time and space to gather himself again.

I'm sure he'll be in touch.

[Daniella B]

14 minutes ago, JTSW said:

I know you said not to mention the length of time that you have been together, but it's not enough time to really know someone.

You say it was love at first sight but you don't really know each other yet.

It suddenly became real/serious to him and he is obviously freaking out about it.

Give him some time and space to gather himself again.

I'm sure he'll be in touch.

Thank you for your comment. I appreciate you taking the time to spare a few words.

I really do know him. We’ve discussed such personal things and we both agreed that we feel like we’ve known each other forever. It’s something I just can’t explain.

An interesting point you make that maybe it’s become real for him all of a sudden. Would bringing me to spend Christmas with his family not have made him realise that? Not being sarcastic, genuinely asking a question.

16 minutes ago, JTSW said:

I know you said not to mention the length of time that you have been together, but it's not enough time to really know someone.

You say it was love at first sight but you don't really know each other yet.

It suddenly became real/serious to him and he is obviously freaking out about it.

Give him some time and space to gather himself again.

I'm sure he'll be in touch.

 

 

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, Daniella B said:

I really do know him.

Maybe you thought you did, but 4 months is not enough time truly know someone.

2 minutes ago, Daniella B said:

An interesting point you make that maybe it’s become real for him all of a sudden. Would bringing me to spend Christmas with his family not have made him realise that?

Sounds like he was all caught up in a dream and then reality hit.

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, Daniella B said:

Before I continue with the details, I need you to know that I don’t want the length of our relationship to impact your answers or judgement. This man was truly love at first sight that I simply cannot describe, and you will only understand if you have felt this before.

 

So you're not interested in reality?   

"Too much too soon."  It happens all the time.  I'm sorry.   No matter how hard the endorphins are coursing through our veins when we first meet a person,  the early months of dating are exactly for the purpose of learning things like whether the other person is emotionally available.  Can't skip that.

The communications with him that you quoted  were quite combative -  I'd venture to bet that things have not been as perfect as you're recalling them now.

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Edited February 27, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Daniella B said:

How can someone flick a switch so suddenly?

Same guy who flicked it on suddenly, before he had even met you:

5 hours ago, Daniella B said:

he was already bragging about me to his family before I had even met him!

He is impulsive by nature, apparently.  I'm sure it felt good at the time, but that was a red flag. It tells you he is not someone who thinks things through and dives in without checking to see how deep the water is. People who come on really strong really fast are usually best avoided, exactly for the reasons you are seeing now. 

3 hours ago, Daniella B said:

We’ve discussed such personal things and we both agreed that we feel like we’ve known each other forever.

But you haven't known each other forever. Talking about personal things is not the same as living through those experiences. After just 4 months, you can't possibly know a person the way you wanted to believe you knew him. Nobody has that power. Both of you were indulging in the fantasy side of things, but you need to be more realistic with yourself now. The length of time you dated is relevant here, despite you not wanting to hear that. 

5 hours ago, Daniella B said:

He replied with “I’m sorry, this is goodbye”

Please believe him, as painful as it is. He has told you more than once he doesn't want this anymore. Whether it's due to mental health or some other reason, all you can do is respect his choice to end it.  In the end, you won't want to be with someone you have to beg to be with you. 

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like he came to his senses and realized that this relationship got serious WAY too fast.  He doesn't want this relationship with you anymore.  He is allowed to end this relationship without it meaning that he is having some kind of mental health problem or life crisis.  It doesn't necessarily mean that.  You need to accept and respect his decision.  And it's completely inappropriate for you to be contacting his parents or family members after the breakup.  That was the most cringey part of reading this.  You are crossing some serious boundaries by going over to his parents' house after he broke up with you or talking to them.  They are not your "in-laws", they are not your family.  It sounds like you have some serious poor judgment.

I know you say you don't want comments on how short the relationship was, but maybe now this should be a lesson on why it is not smart to jump into a serious relationship so fast.  This is not how healthy relationships work.

[Daniella B]

25 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

It sounds like he came to his senses and realized that this relationship got serious WAY too fast.  He doesn't want this relationship with you anymore.  He is allowed to end this relationship without it meaning that he is having some kind of mental health problem or life crisis.  It doesn't necessarily mean that.  You need to accept and respect his decision.  And it's completely inappropriate for you to be contacting his parents or family members after the breakup.  That was the most cringey part of reading this.  You are crossing some serious boundaries by going over to his parents' house after he broke up with you or talking to them.  They are not your "in-laws", they are not your family.  It sounds like you have some serious poor judgment.

I know you say you don't want comments on how short the relationship was, but maybe now this should be a lesson on why it is not smart to jump into a serious relationship so fast.  This is not how healthy relationships work.

I’m sorry that you found it cringe that I reached out to his parents. 
They have welcomed me into their family and made it clear that I am welcome there any time in the past (and even going forward if things don’t work out).

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Are you guys highly religious or highly traditional? Because there is no reason (except those) to meet families until you reach a point of near marriage. There is no rush to meet a family.

My first thought was that he could have had sex with someone else (behind your back) and he feels ashamed and doesn't know how to say that. So he concocts this "I'm overwhelmed and need time alone" justification—and pulls himself out of the relationship.

My other hunch is that he was basically faking it, not faking how much he liked you, but faking how comfortable he was with loving you and being loved. People can fake intimacy and availability for longer than four months. People can go into performance mode. I’ve done it. They do the things a bf or gf is SUPPOSED to do. They say things a bf or gf is supposed to say. But the inner pool, the tank of emotional strength we use to connect with people--these folks don't have that. Because they are performing instead of just relaxing their emotional well empties without being replenished. These performers can seem like amazing partners—they are amazing partners—but they run out of gas. They can't escape performance mode. 

Something about him being in bed troubles me. Sounds to me like he might have a condition that goes from high energy to sudden low energy.  I wonder if he got hit with depression or something like that, which he may have been hiding from you and possibly from his family as well. I know people who have been on meds that helped them function (and highly so) and then for whatever reason, they'd go off the meds and they'd collapse. Sometimes people will go off a med because they really haven't dealt with the stigma of being on medicine. The other scenario where I've seen people suddenly dropping meds (as opposed to slowly tapering off them) is that they are wildly in love and feel great. I don't need these things, they say to themselves. Look how happy I am. And then they collapse. 

Along these lines, I’m sorry but I don't buy for a second that a workplace gives someone three weeks off because their sister was in a car accident. I have NEVER heard anything like that. Just not buying that. I'm wondering if he got three weeks off because he was having mental health issues that were visible at work and that had nothing to do with the sister's accident.  The injury of a sibling in a car accident does not immediately ruin people's ability to function. It just doesn't. In fact, work can be helpful structure for someone suffering sadness because you are forced to be present, to focus, and you get into a routine. I was working (remotely) the weeks my dad was dying in hospice. Why not? I couldn't just sit there and grieve. Had to do something. 

I don't think you did anything wrong or had anything to do with his collapse and sudden withdrawal. 

 

 

 

[LynneVicious]

9 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Along these lines, I’m sorry but I don't buy for a second that a workplace gives someone three weeks off because their sister was in a car accident. I have NEVER heard anything like that. Just not buying that. I'm wondering if he got three weeks off because he was having mental health issues that were visible at work and that had nothing to do with the sister's accident.  The injury of a sibling in a car accident does not immediately ruin people's ability to function. It just doesn't.

I agree with this. Oo, what country are you from?

in expanding on the quote above, the length of time you have known him does come into play here. It could be a host of reasons why he broke up with you. However, that’s a moot point, because once someone breaks up with you, they truly don’t need an explanation. It’s nice to have a clear cut explanation, but that doesn’t happen a lot of the times. 

It’s easy to go into mental gymnastics mode because you are hurt and confused. More than likely, he either lost feelings for you or there’s someone else. And I agree with the poster who stated that you shouldn’t have to beg someone to be with you. 

your ex boyfriends family is also his family. And ultimately, they will support him in his decisions. It puts them in a very uncomfortable position by going to them to disclose your relationship ending. 

I know this feels terrible, but the ball is now in his court. Back off and give him space. Hounding him and demanding answers won’t change his mind, and will only make you feel worse if he’s unresponsive. Good luck and keep your chin up. 

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

My other hunch is that he was basically faking it, not faking how much he liked you, but faking how comfortable he was with loving you and being loved. People can fake intimacy and availability for longer than four months. People can go into performance mode. I’ve done it. They do the things a bf or gf is SUPPOSED to do. They say things a bf or gf is supposed to say. But the inner pool, the tank of emotional strength we use to connect with people--these folks don't have that. Because they are performing instead of just relaxing their emotional well empties without being replenished. These performers can seem like amazing partners—they are amazing partners—but they run out of gas. They can't escape performance mode. 

This could be it. I had a gf several years ago who broke it off without ever having voiced a complaint in a year and a half, and then proceeded to blame me with thin rationale. She was performing well earlier that same day. She turned cold and seemingly without feeling. She just decided all of a sudden and we never spoke. 

It takes significant time to learn how people operate and what actually motivates them in love and relationships, and if they’re good at pretending you may never realize what hit you. Mine was striving for the appearance of normalcy, when the fact was that she doesn’t attach like emotionally healthy people do. I came to the realization after processing, grieving, and regaining a bit of objectivity—and wasn’t taking it so personally. 

For now just focus on taking good care of yourself, with the understanding that how you feel is not who you are, and that you will definitely feel better as time passes. When you reach the point of accepting that he simply wasn’t capable, the confusion will subside and you’ll be well on your path of healing. 

Edited February 27, 2023 by salparadise

[Lotsgoingon]

Great example salparadise. We all know that serial killers and psychopaths could put on a show early on. But lots of more "normal" people also do it. It's devastating to encounter one of these folks because there is no gradual dimming of things. Just one day, they are empty inside, don't have energy or desire to fake normal any more and they shut down. And they're too ashamed to tell you what's REALLY going on. 

OP, I'm now thinking that your bf's family might have been speaking in code when they said he gets "overwhelmed by too much too soon." Well who doesn't get overwhelmed by too much too soon? You with me? That's a nothing statement. But it's a nice code for he has mental health issues and he can get quickly overwhelmed without any warning. 

Relatives of people with some emotional and mental health struggles are in a bind. They don't want to announce anything clinical about their family member, but they also don't want to lie and mislead people, especially if the person can function independently (at least for a while) out in society. 

His family's words, seems to me, were telling you this has happened before. The way you describe them, the family didn't act surprised. And most likely that's because they were NOT surprised. They had witnessed this guy suddenly shutting down before, probably in jobs and in relationships, and probably multiple times. They were telling you (in a coded way that you might not have caught) that his behavior with you was part of a pattern, not new, not shocking and not surprising. That's the huge red flag here. 

 

[Daniella B]

4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Are you guys highly religious or highly traditional? Because there is no reason (except those) to meet families until you reach a point of near marriage. There is no rush to meet a family.

My first thought was that he could have had sex with someone else (behind your back) and he feels ashamed and doesn't know how to say that. So he concocts this "I'm overwhelmed and need time alone" justification—and pulls himself out of the relationship.

My other hunch is that he was basically faking it, not faking how much he liked you, but faking how comfortable he was with loving you and being loved. People can fake intimacy and availability for longer than four months. People can go into performance mode. I’ve done it. They do the things a bf or gf is SUPPOSED to do. They say things a bf or gf is supposed to say. But the inner pool, the tank of emotional strength we use to connect with people--these folks don't have that. Because they are performing instead of just relaxing their emotional well empties without being replenished. These performers can seem like amazing partners—they are amazing partners—but they run out of gas. They can't escape performance mode. 

Something about him being in bed troubles me. Sounds to me like he might have a condition that goes from high energy to sudden low energy.  I wonder if he got hit with depression or something like that, which he may have been hiding from you and possibly from his family as well. I know people who have been on meds that helped them function (and highly so) and then for whatever reason, they'd go off the meds and they'd collapse. Sometimes people will go off a med because they really haven't dealt with the stigma of being on medicine. The other scenario where I've seen people suddenly dropping meds (as opposed to slowly tapering off them) is that they are wildly in love and feel great. I don't need these things, they say to themselves. Look how happy I am. And then they collapse. 

Along these lines, I’m sorry but I don't buy for a second that a workplace gives someone three weeks off because their sister was in a car accident. I have NEVER heard anything like that. Just not buying that. I'm wondering if he got three weeks off because he was having mental health issues that were visible at work and that had nothing to do with the sister's accident.  The injury of a sibling in a car accident does not immediately ruin people's ability to function. It just doesn't. In fact, work can be helpful structure for someone suffering sadness because you are forced to be present, to focus, and you get into a routine. I was working (remotely) the weeks my dad was dying in hospice. Why not? I couldn't just sit there and grieve. Had to do something. 

I don't think you did anything wrong or had anything to do with his collapse and sudden withdrawal. 

 

 

 

Thank you for your in depth reply.

We aren’t religious, but it’s also quite normal where I’m from to meet families well before marriage, so don’t be alarmed by that. In fact, if we didn’t meet each other’s families until just before marriage then that would almost be alarm bells in my country.

I can confirm that the work thing is true. He missed his initial flight out and wanted to fly back a few days later on the next one and they said he couldn’t because of the new policy in place (there’s been a correlation between personal crisis and workplace injuries/accidents which is why the policy came into effect). His Dad also confirmed this to me as he is also FIFO.

I know for a fact that he definitely has not slept with anyone. I trust him wholeheartedly AND I know his whereabouts all the time… not that I need to (but thanks Snapchat maps).

I also know for a fact he isn’t on any medication. We had a big discussion when we got together about how his ex was hiding meds from him behind his back etc. so then I opened up to him and told him that I’m on mental health meds myself and he was incredibly supportive.

So that leaves your second option about him faking it, unintentionally more than likely. This does seem like something I could believe. Maybe he wanted it to be as amazing as I thought it was but reality crept up and he freaked out?

 

 

[Daniella B]

4 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

I agree with this. Oo, what country are you from?

in expanding on the quote above, the length of time you have known him does come into play here. It could be a host of reasons why he broke up with you. However, that’s a moot point, because once someone breaks up with you, they truly don’t need an explanation. It’s nice to have a clear cut explanation, but that doesn’t happen a lot of the times. 

It’s easy to go into mental gymnastics mode because you are hurt and confused. More than likely, he either lost feelings for you or there’s someone else. And I agree with the poster who stated that you shouldn’t have to beg someone to be with you. 

your ex boyfriends family is also his family. And ultimately, they will support him in his decisions. It puts them in a very uncomfortable position by going to them to disclose your relationship ending. 

I know this feels terrible, but the ball is now in his court. Back off and give him space. Hounding him and demanding answers won’t change his mind, and will only make you feel worse if he’s unresponsive. Good luck and keep your chin up. 

Thank you.

I know there isn’t anyone else. He said he still loves me, he just is happier being single free from commitment.

I have backed off now and am just waiting to see if him going back to work might help him think about what’s happened and come to his senses. But I’m not holding my breath.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I’m thinking you may be a rebound.  How long before dating you and his previous break up?

Don’t make the mistake thinking that this new him is not the real him.  It is indeed the real him. This new him is likely more real than the one you knew the first 3 months.

See him for who he is not what you want him to be.

 

[Daniella B]

10 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

I’m thinking you may be a rebound.  How long before dating you and his previous break up?

Don’t make the mistake thinking that this new him is not the real him.  It is indeed the real him. This new him is likely more real than the one you knew the first 3 months.

See him for who he is not what you want him to be.

 

I really don’t think I am a rebound. They broke up well over a year ago.

I don’t think this is the real him. I’m more concerned for him because he looked so empty when he spoke to me when I know he’s such a generous and caring person with a big heart. He said he’s normally way more affectionate than what he has been (even though I haven’t seen the issue to be honest. I don’t expect men to bow down to me like I’m some queen).

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Daniella B said:

I’m sorry that you found it cringe that I reached out to his parents. 
They have welcomed me into their family and made it clear that I am welcome there any time in the past (and even going forward if things don’t work out).

 

I'm so sorry that this didn't work out for you.  But I must say that I too, found it cringe that you reached out to his parents.  While the family may have welcomed your contact, it was disrespectful of all of you to be discussing this behind his back.  And if they seriously have an open door policy to you even if things don't work out, then they are showing a lack of respect to their son.  Most people don't want their exes popping in and out of their family.  Your ex's feelings should come first and foremost when it comes to your contact with his family. 

Anyway, I too think that you didn't really know him as well as you think you did.  At four months in you should be enjoying how great things are, but aware that both of you are running on hormones and adrenaline and won't really see who each other really is until a year or so together.  

Lastly, I'm (non-traditional) Australian and we meet family relatively early too so I understand where you're coming from.  If someone didn't introduce me until we got really serious, I'd wonder what they were hiding.

Edited February 28, 2023 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Daniella B said:

I have backed off now and am just waiting to see if him going back to work might help him think about what’s happened and come to his senses. But I’m not holding my breath

The thing is, he might be coming to senses by breaking up with you. 

This relationship moved at warp-speed, which is almost never a good sign.  Once he had time to think about it, he might simply have realized that it was way too much and way too soon and that he couldn't proceed. Thus, the smart thing to do would be to let you go. Ending it doesn't mean he has lost his way or hasn't come to his senses. While painful to consider, it may actually be the other way around. 

And yes, please do stop communicating with his parents or other family members. It's not appropriate to discuss your break-up with them. They don't speak for him and while they might be concerned about him, that doesn't mean he was wrong to break up with you. 

It's going to be hard but you will need to move on. This is really not likely to have a happy ending. Next time, slow down. Don't let things get too serious too quickly. Get to know each other before getting in this deep.

[Daniella B]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm so sorry that this didn't work out for you.  But I must say that I too, found it cringe that you reached out to his parents.  While the family may have welcomed your contact, it was disrespectful of all of you to be discussing this behind his back.  And if they seriously have an open door policy to you even if things don't work out, then they are showing a lack of respect to their son.  Most people don't want their exes popping in and out of their family.  Your ex's feelings should come first and foremost when it comes to your contact with his family. 

Anyway, I too think that you didn't really know him as well as you think you did.  At four months in you should be enjoying how great things are, but aware that both of you are running on hormones and adrenaline and won't really see who each other really is until a year or so together.  

Lastly, I'm (non-traditional) Australian and we meet family relatively early too so I understand where you're coming from.  If someone didn't introduce me until we got really serious, I'd wonder what they were hiding.

Thank you for your words. 

I only went there to say thank you and goodbye, and to express my concern for their son because he didn't seem normal to me at all.

Honestly, I wouldn't pop by in the future if things don't work out. That would be weird, but I think it was just a comment they said because they like me so much.

The thing is, we were enjoying how great things are. Whilst things became serious quickly, everything about the relationship was really easy. We had a good understanding of each other and our laid back lifestyles, we knew the other had faults but we embraced them, we never argued, just enjoyed our time together.

[Daniella B]

35 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The thing is, he might be coming to senses by breaking up with you. 

This relationship moved at warp-speed, which is almost never a good sign.  Once he had time to think about it, he might simply have realized that it was way too much and way too soon and that he couldn't proceed. Thus, the smart thing to do would be to let you go. Ending it doesn't mean he has lost his way or hasn't come to his senses. While painful to consider, it may actually be the other way around. 

And yes, please do stop communicating with his parents or other family members. It's not appropriate to discuss your break-up with them. They don't speak for him and while they might be concerned about him, that doesn't mean he was wrong to break up with you. 

It's going to be hard but you will need to move on. This is really not likely to have a happy ending. Next time, slow down. Don't let things get too serious too quickly. Get to know each other before getting in this deep.

Perhaps. But if he still loves me which he said he does, then why would he not ask to slow things down or try to move forward? Instead he just cut ties completely. I can't comprehend his shutdown mode which makes me think that maybe he did get overwhelmed (even though he didn't say that) and might reach out in the future when he has a clearer head? 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Daniella B said:

But if he still loves me which he said he does, then why would he not ask to slow things down or try to move forward?

Because he probably means that he cares about you, but doesn't feel the kind of feelings one needs to continue.