Sudden break up [Update: struggling seeing him move on]

[Acacia98]

39 minutes ago, Daniella B said:

Perhaps. But if he still loves me which he said he does, then why would he not ask to slow things down or try to move forward? Instead he just cut ties completely. I can't comprehend his shutdown mode which makes me think that maybe he did get overwhelmed (even though he didn't say that) and might reach out in the future when he has a clearer head? 

If indeed he chooses to reach out in the future, it may be in your best interest to consider whether you want to be with someone who pushes a relationship forward too fast and too soon and then suddenly pulls away when you go along with what he's declared he wants and are supposed to be getting closer. If he's done it once, he certainly will do it again. Are you ready for a life of repeatedly being pushed away and coaxed back at your sweetheart's whim? Think about what that would do to your self-esteem and your mental health.

The other thing I feel I must mention is this: every single time I have heard a story similar to yours, about love at first sight, everything being so perfect, meeting each other's relatives early, the story has ended with the super-enthusiastic partner ending things abruptly. Every single time. And I've experienced the same too. So I've learned not to trust people who want to conduct relationships at neck-breaking speed. I prefer people who have a healthy balance of caution and enthusiasm, who want to take time to get to know you and open up to you and actually develop deep feelings. There are valid reasons for having relationships progress at a moderate pace. For most people, it actually takes time to get to know each other and develop trust in each other. Most efforts to accelerate the process fail miserably. 

He may not have deleted you on social media or wherever. But if you find that it's hard for you to accept the relationship is over and move on while connected to him, it may do you well to ultimately unfriend/unfollow him.

[Daniella B]

6 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

If indeed he chooses to reach out in the future, it may be in your best interest to consider whether you want to be with someone who pushes a relationship forward too fast and too soon and then suddenly pulls away when you go along with what he's declared he wants and are supposed to be getting closer. If he's done it once, he certainly will do it again. Are you ready for a life of repeatedly being pushed away and coaxed back at your sweetheart's whim? Think about what that would do to your self-esteem and your mental health.

The other thing I feel I must mention is this: every single time I have heard a story similar to yours, about love at first sight, everything being so perfect, meeting each other's relatives early, the story has ended with the super-enthusiastic partner ending things abruptly. Every single time. And I've experienced the same too. So I've learned not to trust people who want to conduct relationships at neck-breaking speed. I prefer people who have a healthy balance of caution and enthusiasm, who want to take time to get to know you and open up to you and actually develop deep feelings. There are valid reasons for having relationships progress at a moderate pace. For most people, it actually takes time to get to know each other and develop trust in each other. Most efforts to accelerate the process fail miserably. 

He may not have deleted you on social media or wherever. But if you find that it's hard for you to accept the relationship is over and move on while connected to him, it may do you well to ultimately unfriend/unfollow him.

Thank you I appreciate your insight.

May I ask with the stories you've heard, does the partner who ended it ever come back?

[JTSW]

There really isn't anything you can do OP.

You can choose to put your life on hold and watch his whereabouts on Snapchat maps.

Or, you can stop obsessing, stop monitoring him and carry on with your life.

He told you it was the end and told you goodbye, so I think you should just move on.

[Daniella B]

7 minutes ago, JTSW said:

There really isn't anything you can do OP.

You can choose to put your life on hold and watch his whereabouts on Snapchat maps.

Or, you can stop obsessing, stop monitoring him and carry on with your life.

He told you it was the end and told you goodbye, so I think you should just move on.

Didn’t you say yesterday that I should give him time and that he would likely reach out? Why the sudden turn around?

I’m not obsessing about him or his location on snap maps and never have.

I don’t see any harm in waiting a couple months to see if he reaches out. It’s not like I plan on jumping into the dating world ASAP. I don’t think this counts as putting my life on hold, rather it’s giving him the opportunity to come back and rekindle our relationship. And if that doesn’t happen then at least I know I gave it time.

[JTSW]

6 minutes ago, Daniella B said:

Didn’t you say yesterday that I should give him time and that he would likely reach out? Why the sudden turn around?

I’m not obsessing about him or his location on snap maps and never have.

I don’t see any harm in waiting a couple months to see if he reaches out. It’s not like I plan on jumping into the dating world ASAP. I don’t think this counts as putting my life on hold, rather it’s giving him the opportunity to come back and rekindle our relationship. And if that doesn’t happen then at least I know I gave it time.

You misunderstood.

I never said jump back into the dating world.

What I meant was, continue with your life, working, hanging out with friends etc.

Try not to think about it too much because it was get you down.

I'm also going by further comments where he told you it was it was the end etc.

I'm not turning around what I said, you can wait and see if he reaches out, but I wouldn't wait months.

[Daniella B]

4 minutes ago, JTSW said:

You misunderstood.

I never said jump back into the dating world.

What I meant was, continue with your life, working, hanging out with friends etc.

Try not to think about it too much because it was get you down.

I'm also going by further comments where he told you it was it was the end etc.

I'm not turning around what I said, you can wait and see if he reaches out, but I wouldn't wait months.

I understand what you mean. I’m definitely not putting my life on hold. Although essentially grieving this week and taking things slow, I have a busy schedule ahead in the next few weeks which I don’t plan to change. I just hope at some point in that time he will reach out. But I’m not stopping my life waiting for that moment.

[BlueberryPie]

(Sorry this got so long!) So sorry, Daniella. What a nasty shock to feel you've met The One, only to have it end without notice or any solid explanation. Of course you're searching for possible reasons and hoping it will turn out to just be a misunderstanding or temporary glitch or... something besides a sudden and final ending that you don't understand.

I'm thinking of some things I've read on this topic, though if interested, you might want to google around some yourself because I don't even remember where I read these things now. (I went through a phase where I was really into relationship books).

Anyway, one thing was that a large percentage of new relationships end at the 3-4 month mark. At first, there's infatuation, with feelings running very high but the partners unconsciously filling in all the gaps of knowledge about that person with what they want to be there. People also tend to have on their best "company manners" early on too. 

As the couple gets to know each other, it starts to calm down, as real knowledge of each other starts filling in those gaps, and the real person starts taking the place of the idealized version of the other person in each partner's mind. By 3-4 months, the partners have had time to get a more realistic idea of who they're actually dealing with. And a lot of times, that's when those early strong feelings fizzle out for one or both of them.

In my inexpert opinion, that's the most typical explanation. As they say, a horse is usually just a horse, not a zebra. So, while it could be other possibilities (overwhelmed with money problems, other life issues, mental problems, etc.) IMO the most common explanation would be that he's just not feeling it anymore. Of course, people often don't like to directly reject someone, so then you get the flimsy reasons that often just don't make a whole lot of sense. 

Another thing I recall reading is that it takes three years to know someone really well. I seem to recall this was from a psychologist and from some big study but, as I said, I don't remember the specifics anymore. The thought was that three years is enough time for the partners to see that each other in a wide variety of situations, phases, upturns and downturns and so on.

If any of the above helps at all...

Sorry you're having such a rough time. I hope it works out the way you want it to. 

 

 

 

Edited February 28, 2023 by BlueberryPie

[stillafool]

It sounds to me that he isn't over his ex.  When he met you he thought he hit the jackpot and you would be the one to help him get over her; but reality set in and he realized you cannot.  I think he was trying to force himself by introducing you to his parents, etc.,   I've done this myself when trying to get over someone and also saying I plan to be alone forever thinking it will help ease the pain for the dumpee.  Now I'm married.

[Daniella B]

I don’t think this is the case. She put him through so much stress and the whole situation was just toxic. When we met he said that he was happy being single, and then he met me when he swore he would never be with another person again.

also am happy to hear you’ve ended up married😊

Edited February 28, 2023 by Daniella B

[Daniella B]

21 minutes ago, BlueberryPie said:

(Sorry this got so long!) So sorry, Daniella. What a nasty shock to feel you've met The One, only to have it end without notice or any solid explanation. Of course you're searching for possible reasons and hoping it will turn out to just be a misunderstanding or temporary glitch or... something besides a sudden and final ending that you don't understand.

I'm thinking of some things I've read on this topic, though if interested, you might want to google around some yourself because I don't even remember where I read these things now. (I went through a phase where I was really into relationship books).

Anyway, one thing was that a large percentage of new relationships end at the 3-4 month mark. At first, there's infatuation, with feelings running very high but the partners unconsciously filling in all the gaps of knowledge about that person with what they want to be there. People also tend to have on their best "company manners" early on too. 

As the couple gets to know each other, it starts to calm down, as real knowledge of each other starts filling in those gaps, and the real person starts taking the place of the idealized version of the other person in each partner's mind. By 3-4 months, the partners have had time to get a more realistic idea of who they're actually dealing with. And a lot of times, that's when those early strong feelings fizzle out for one or both of them.

In my inexpert opinion, that's the most typical explanation. As they say, a horse is usually just a horse, not a zebra. So, while it could be other possibilities (overwhelmed with money problems, other life issues, mental problems, etc.) IMO the most common explanation would be that he's just not feeling it anymore. Of course, people often don't like to directly reject someone, so then you get the flimsy reasons that often just don't make a whole lot of sense. 

Another thing I recall reading is that it takes three years to know someone really well. I seem to recall this was from a psychologist and from some big study but, as I said, I don't remember the specifics anymore. The thought was that three years is enough time for the partners to see that each other in a wide variety of situations, phases, upturns and downturns and so on.

If any of the above helps at all...

Sorry you're having such a rough time. I hope it works out the way you want it to. 

 

 

 

This was really refreshing to read. Thank you for taking the time to write it.

I hope it works out for me too. One can only pray.

[NuevoYorko]

9 hours ago, Daniella B said:

Perhaps. But if he still loves me which he said he does, then why would he not ask to slow things down or try to move forward? 

It's too late - you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.  That's the true danger of "too much too soon."  It actually is too much.   Can't be sustained and it creates a  false foundation.

I don't agree with those here who said it was "too early" to meet the family, but I definitely think that healthy  boundaries were crossed by everyone in this situation.  

Also - for the record - I kind of believe in "love at first sight."  When I met my SO I also "knew" and so did she.  The difference is that we each kept that close to our chests while taking our time to learn about each other and whether it was all going to work in the real world.  

 

[Lotsgoingon]

@Daniella Byou don't want to overstate the importance of him saying he still loves you. "Love" is a fudge word: people use it in all kinds of slippery ways. People all the time say "I still love you" to partners they don't want to date. What "love" means in these instances is simply that the person still likes appreciates the other person. People saying this are not saying they want to date the other person or reconcile with them.

We can think someone is a wonderful person and still conclude we don't want to date them. We just think they are a wonderful partner for someone else. 

It's best to trust the other person when they say they don't want to date us. Because if you don't trust them, what you're saying implicitly is that this person is so lost, so out of touch with their own feelings and desires that they can't even get right whether or not they want to be with us. That's like not trusting someone to know if they need to go to the bathroom or not.  And you never want to persuade someone to stay with you. They have to want it--fiercely want it--in order for the relationship to work.

There were things he did not like about the relationship with you. He's just not telling you those things. Lots of people are uncomfortable telling the truth to partners they are breaking up with. They fear the other partner will be crushed. So they give generalities. 

[ShyViolet]

11 hours ago, Daniella B said:

Perhaps. But if he still loves me which he said he does, then why would he not ask to slow things down or try to move forward? Instead he just cut ties completely. I can't comprehend his shutdown mode which makes me think that maybe he did get overwhelmed (even though he didn't say that) and might reach out in the future when he has a clearer head? 

Most people still have residual feelings for the other person when they go through a breakup, even the person who did the dumping.  A person can still have feelings for the other person, yet still know that the relationship needs to end.  I'm sure he has his reasons.  Maybe he is sparing telling you some of those reasons to spare your feelings.  And to be honest I find it incredibly disrespectful to him that you keep trying to make this sound like he doesn't know what he's doing, doesn't know what he wants, can't make his own choices or that this is due to some mental health issue that he must be having that is clouding his judgment.  He is an adult who is allowed to end a relationship if he feels that it is no longer working.   He has made this choice that he can no longer continue the relationship with you, and he couldn't have been clearer about it.  If you care about him so much then have the basic level of respect for him to accept what he is saying and respect the boundaries that he has put up.

You're in denial.  You don't want to believe that he is really breaking up with you; you are digging for reasons that it might not be the case, reasons that maybe he is just confused and will reverse the decision.  Sooner or later you are going to have to break out of this denial and just accept what is.  The sooner you do that, the sooner you can move on with your life.

[NuevoYorko]

OP - going forward, I hope you will not run with your feelings again like you did this time.   Give a relationship time to take some roots and grow.  Maybe it will bloom into something sustainable but if it never has a chance to develop before it gets all the weight and trappings of a committed relationship (FOREVER being hung on it early)  it will be pretty shaky in almost all cases.   That's because no foundation has been built.  

 

[Daniella B]

On 3/1/2023 at 5:44 AM, ShyViolet said:

Most people still have residual feelings for the other person when they go through a breakup, even the person who did the dumping.  A person can still have feelings for the other person, yet still know that the relationship needs to end.  I'm sure he has his reasons.  Maybe he is sparing telling you some of those reasons to spare your feelings.  And to be honest I find it incredibly disrespectful to him that you keep trying to make this sound like he doesn't know what he's doing, doesn't know what he wants, can't make his own choices or that this is due to some mental health issue that he must be having that is clouding his judgment.  He is an adult who is allowed to end a relationship if he feels that it is no longer working.   He has made this choice that he can no longer continue the relationship with you, and he couldn't have been clearer about it.  If you care about him so much then have the basic level of respect for him to accept what he is saying and respect the boundaries that he has put up.

You're in denial.  You don't want to believe that he is really breaking up with you; you are digging for reasons that it might not be the case, reasons that maybe he is just confused and will reverse the decision.  Sooner or later you are going to have to break out of this denial and just accept what is.  The sooner you do that, the sooner you can move on with your life.

It’s not so much that I’m trying to make it sound like he doesn’t know what he wants. Rather I’m concerned about his unusual behaviour of being cooped up in his bedroom all week and not sleeping whilst binge watching a tv series, paired with the way he looked when I spoke to him, so empty inside. It just raised alarms bells for me for his well-being. I, in no way, mean to be disrespectful.

Edited March 2, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Daniella B]

6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

@Daniella Byou don't want to overstate the importance of him saying he still loves you. "Love" is a fudge word: people use it in all kinds of slippery ways. People all the time say "I still love you" to partners they don't want to date. What "love" means in these instances is simply that the person still likes appreciates the other person. People saying this are not saying they want to date the other person or reconcile with them.

We can think someone is a wonderful person and still conclude we don't want to date them. We just think they are a wonderful partner for someone else. 

It's best to trust the other person when they say they don't want to date us. Because if you don't trust them, what you're saying implicitly is that this person is so lost, so out of touch with their own feelings and desires that they can't even get right whether or not they want to be with us. That's like not trusting someone to know if they need to go to the bathroom or not.  And you never want to persuade someone to stay with you. They have to want it--fiercely want it--in order for the relationship to work.

There were things he did not like about the relationship with you. He's just not telling you those things. Lots of people are uncomfortable telling the truth to partners they are breaking up with. They fear the other partner will be crushed. So they give generalities. 

Thank you for your detailed response.

Quote

We can think someone is a wonderful person and still conclude we don't want to date them. We just think they are a wonderful partner for someone else. 

I do understand this. What I’m struggling to understand is how one can be committed and then flick a switch and say that they’re a lone wolf and better off alone, not with another partner, maybe ever.

[NuevoYorko]

5 minutes ago, Daniella B said:

 What I’m struggling to understand is how one can be committed and then flick a switch and say that they’re a lone wolf and better off alone, not with another partner, maybe ever.

Someone else already answered this question:  He "flicked a switch" and told you you were his "forever person" when you two didn't know each other.  Same move in reverse.  He easily jumps.   Maybe in another month he'll be on a whole new trajectory of some kind.

Something to think about:  In your OP you use romantically charged language:  "love at first sight,"  "his forever person,"  etc.   Evidently he was on board with this too.  

Are you aware of what a huge leap it is from that type of "fairytale" to actually merging your life with another person's?   I really get the feeling that he WAS ready for a rom-com fiction, but in no way ready to get into a real, deep union with anyone.  Ex girlfriend, or no.

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

It's not a mystery, he was acting.

Sincerely acting, but he doesn't have the real energy to be in a relationship. Sustaining a relationship requires an ability to relax, let your guard down, instead of worrying always about the other person or monitoring their own behavior so that it fits with the partner. One sign of people performing is that things are totally amazing early on. 

Performers ride a wave of hormones and willpower and they follow a script. Sending lots of flowers can be performing. Giving lots of presents early on can be performing. Going out to nice dinners--all of these are external things. All are g These presents and gifts will be generic because they aren't really thinking about the specific person they are gifting. They're thinking of what would a man do when he likes a woman. 

I remember a former mentor sitting me down over lunch, listening to my complaints about a suddenly distant partner. He told me that people can fake things for at least 6 months or more. And that most likely we had reached a point in the relationship where my gf couldn't fake it anymore. She either had to go authentic or pull away. But she couldn't go authentic. She didn't really like herself.  

My mentor didn't think a relationship became real until you hit that point where both people could no longer perform. That would be a point where people would recognize differences including awkward differences. It was when you would acknowledge conflict--real and difficult conflicts--and learn how to work through them. Until then it's just kids playing fantasy on the playground. 

 

 

 

Edited March 1, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[ShyViolet]

On 2/28/2023 at 8:35 PM, Daniella B said:

Thank you for your detailed response.

I do understand this. What I’m struggling to understand is how one can be committed and then flick a switch and say that they’re a lone wolf and better off alone, not with another partner, maybe ever.

Based on how this relationship started and his behavior at the beginning of the relationship, he sounds like a very impulsive and perhaps emotionally reckless person.  Saying that you are his "forever" person and bragging about you to his family basically right when you met.  If he was able to be so impulsive in the beginning, why should you be surprised that he did the same thing in the end, just in the other direction?  The bigger question is, are you recognizing that you made the same mistakes in the beginning of this relationship and taking responsibility for that?

In any case, he is not your boyfriend anymore, he is your ex, so his life choices and his feelings are his business and not your problem to solve.

I strongly suspect that he didn't actually mean it when he told you he is "better off alone and not with another partner maybe ever."  Of course he knows that's not true.  That was something he told you just to end the relationship with you.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I strongly suspect that he didn't actually mean it when he told you he is "better off alone and not with another partner maybe ever."  Of course he knows that's not true.  That was something he told you just to end the relationship with you.

My thoughts exactly. 

He needed an excuse to prevent you from asking to keep trying, OP. This was that excuse. I think you will get very hurt if you try to stay in his life in any way, because I don't think for a moment that he won't date anyone else in the future. And it would crush you to learn that he's eventually met another woman. 

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

 The bigger question is, are you recognizing that you made the same mistakes in the beginning of this relationship and taking responsibility for that?

I also wonder this. OP, you have agency in this as well. I know it felt good to feel wanted, but you also made a series of choices that were not great, even if you thought you were just following his lead. You need to look out for yourself more. 

[Acacia98]

On 2/28/2023 at 10:42 AM, Daniella B said:

Thank you I appreciate your insight.

May I ask with the stories you've heard, does the partner who ended it ever come back?

You're welcome.

As a matter of fact, they usually come back. But the ones I know haven't come back to declare their love and be a perfect, attentive partner. They come back, breadcrumb the dumpee, play half-hearted mind games, then flake out.

The coming back is typically about massaging their egos with the reminder that the dumpee adores them. And then when the dumpee starts to entertain hopes that they will reconcile, the dumper flees again.

So if your guy does reappear, you need to be extra careful with him. You'll be relieved and will want to believe your relationship meant the world to him and it will all work out after all. So that may cause you to throw caution to the wind and put yourself in a vulnerable position again. And if he does disappoint you a second time and you're not emotionally prepared for that, it may do way more harm than the first dumping incident.

[Lotsgoingon]

No, the partner who initiates the breakup does not come back. Especially when a partner just shuts down and suddenly withdraws like this guy, people almost never get back together.

People can and do reconcile (sometimes) when later in the relationship the partners break up over a specific conflict or series of conflicts while still respecting each other They may then negotiate with each other and put all their complaints and desires on the table, and sometimes--sometimes!--they reconcile. 

But when someone just shuts down and disappears, no. I don't think I have ever heard of a single instance of these people reconciling. Those people aren't ready for relationship or they really do not feel comfortable with the other person--or both--and their sudden withdrawal is a sign of their lack of maturity and social skill and comfort with intimacy.  

[NuevoYorko]

OP - If this guy tried to come back, I expect you'd be very happy and welcome him with open arms.   It would be great if I'm wrong about this.  His hairpin turns of emotion are REALLY a part of who he is.  Reasons aren't that important - he "fell in love" without knowing you or being in touch with the real fact that he was not in a space to be fully present and functional in an adult relationship.  Then, he made his switchback to "goodbye."  

It would be unwise to sign up for this,  given what you've learned.

[Daniella B]

Since my last update I’ve been not so great but that’s expected. Anywho, I have tried to reconcile with my ex and he doesn’t want a bar of it and refused to listen to the message I sent him because he’s “already made his mind up”. I found that quite hurtful but whatever.

His messages towards me have been quite hostile and I find it extremely hurtful that he’s so cold towards me when he’s the one who ended it because he said he’s better off single and happier that way, and has made it abundantly clear that it’s not that he doesn’t want to be with me, he doesn’t want to be with anyone.

I’ve done nothing wrong but try and fight for our relationship which is why I’m taken aback by his tone towards me.

I have since decided to remove him from social media because it was impacting my ability to move on. I messaged to tell him that I was going to delete him, not because I hate him but because I love him and it’s too difficult moving forward. I didn’t get a reply but that’s okay.

A couple days ago I had a hunch to download tinder and I did and I was completely and utterly shocked to find him on there! I was so angry and sent him a standard ‘why did you lie to me and say it’s not me it’s you’ text. 

I ended up sending a follow up text the next day when I’d cooled down and ended it with a nicer tone of goodbye and that I hope he finds what he’s looking for with his new woman etc. (it was a bit of a guilt-trip text but I still meant it). I didn’t want the last thing he remembered me by as a nasty message.

I’m beyond baffled about his dating profile because he was adamant that he wanted to be single and thought he was ready for a relationship but isn’t emotionally ready and may never will be etc. So to find him on tinder was a shock to the system and clearly has made me start thinking that there is something wrong with ME.

I’ve spoken to a friend of his and they were confused by it and said that he has told them that he wants to be single and work on himself. So he’s either lying to himself or he’s lying to everyone.

Does this sound like a rebound kind of thing to try and get over me, which could also explain why he’s being so cold towards me?

I mean he may have just made a profile and isn’t actively doing anything on there (to be quite honest I don’t actually care). Is this normal behaviour? When we broke up he said he still loves me. I’m so confused.

I’ve broken all contact now and essentially will be starting the ‘no contact’ period.

I know men grieve differently to women. Women grieve first then heal and move on. Men tend to be happy at first and try move on, then grieve and reflect, and maybe regret.

I don’t really know if he will reach out once he’s gone through his phase. What do you guys think? Does it sound like he’s in pain, or he just genuinely wants me to move on?

I’m not sitting around waiting, I’m moving on. If he does reach out down the track I’m happy to listen and maybe reconcile depending on where I am in my life, but I’m not holding my breath.

Edited March 20, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Daniella B said:

A couple days ago I had a hunch to download tinder and I did and I was completely and utterly shocked to find him on there! I was so angry and sent him a standard ‘why did you lie to me and say it’s not me it’s you’ text. 

Sorry this is happening. Yes, the best thing you can do is delete him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Do not contact him or his people.

He has told you it's over so there's nothing to fight for or wait for or contact his friends and family about.

Redirect your energy into healing yourself and finding happiness.