Sudden break up [Update: struggling seeing him move on]

[Daniella B]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Yes, the best thing you can do is delete him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Do not contact him or his people.

He has told you it's over so there's nothing to fight for or wait for or contact his friends and family about.

Redirect your energy into healing yourself and finding happiness. 

Thank you for your comment.

I have deleted him off everything, but I still have his family. I don’t wish to delete them when they’ve done nothing wrong to me whatsoever. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable having them on social media, but if it makes them uncomfortable having me then I don’t have an issue if they wish to delete me.

I’m not fighting or waiting. I’m in a mindset now where I’m ready to focus on myself and start healing. What I meant in my post was that I’m still living my life and not turning down opportunities, but if he does happen to reach out then I’ll deal with that  when/if it happens, but I’m not waiting for it to happen, if that makes sense. 

[ExpatInItaly]

No, I don't think he's in pain nor is this a rebound thing. 

He was trying to save your feelings by telling you he didn't ever want a relationship. The truth is that for whatever reason, his feelings for you weren't the same and he couldn't see a future together. It was evidently not true that he didn't want to date at all, and yes, he lied to you. It hurts, but it's probably best that you now know the truth so you don't continue to hold onto hope. 

5 hours ago, Daniella B said:

 he just genuinely wants me to move on?

Yes, this. This is why he was being short with you. You weren't really listening to what he was telling you and clearly you've been struggling to let go. He didn't want to lead you on or have you wait around or fight for him. 

It's time to stop contacting his friends or family, and work instead on acceptance and healing. 
 

 

Edited March 19, 2023 by ExpatInItaly

[Daniella B]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, I don't think he's in pain nor is this a rebound thing. 

He was trying to save your feelings by telling you he didn't ever want a relationship. The truth is that for whatever reason, his feelings for you weren't the same and he couldn't see a future together. It was evidently not true that he didn't want to date at all, and yes, he lied to you. It hurts, but it's probably best that you now know the truth so you don't continue to hold onto hope. 

Yes, this. This is why he was being short with you. You weren't really listening to what he was telling you and clearly you've been struggling to let go. He didn't want to lead you on or have you wait around or fight for him. 

It's time to stop contacting his friends or family, and work instead on acceptance and healing. 
 

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I’m not agreeing or disagreeing with you, but is it not strange that he wouldn’t tell anyone close to him that I wasn’t the one if that is the case? He doesn’t need to be honest with me, but why lie to everyone else and tell them how much he loved me? (assuming that you are correct and he wasn’t happy, even though there were literally zero signs of him being unhappy).

If he does end up dating someone in the near future, his friends and family would be extremely confused.

Edited March 19, 2023 by Daniella B

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Daniella B said:

but is it not strange that he wouldn’t tell anyone close to him that I wasn’t the one if that is the case?

No, not really. You are assuming he thinks the way you do, but he doesn't. He doesn't need to tell anyone anything about his real reasons for ending it. 

Daniella, you are grasping at straws here. You are trying to see glimmers of hope when his behaviour and words to you have made it very clear that this is over. I know it's hard to accept but you have to stop over-analyzing all of this. 

3 minutes ago, Daniella B said:

If he does end up dating someone in the near future, his friends and family would be extremely confused.

Eh, again, not really. They would assume he'd met someone he really liked and changed his mind about not wanting to date. It's not that confusing, and if anything, they'd likely be happy for him. He also probably doesn't care that much if they'd be confused. You are the one who cares the most about this, I promise you. 

Again, I know this is hard to accept. But you have to start trying to. Otherwise, you will keep yourself stuck in an unhealthy loop of seeking confirmation bias that he is hurting and will someday come back to you. 

[glows]

I don’t think it’s a good idea keeping his family connected to your social media. Not that it’s wrong but it’ll keep you pulled right back into his life in updates from his family. Frankly, very unwise. 

You’ve put this relationship above all else it seems and fought for it as you said when he was already long gone through the front door. He has opted out. While you were hoping for reconciliation he was already on tinder and thinking of the idea of dating someone else, starting fresh. You’re light years behind him in moving on and it’s doing yourself a disservice keeping in any contact including his family on social media.

Wish him well and let go completely. He can tell anyone anything he wants sadly. It’s not your concern whether his family is confused. I get the feeling you’re hanging onto his family contacts hoping they’ll side with you or get him to change his mind or sway him in some way, tell him about you and keep that door open. If not then I’m mistaken. However I’d dig deep here and really ask yourself what you’re doing letting any of these people have a window into your life. 

[ShyViolet]

7 hours ago, Daniella B said:

but is it not strange that he wouldn’t tell anyone close to him that I wasn’t the one if that is the case? He doesn’t need to be honest with me, but why lie to everyone else and tell them how much he loved me? (assuming that you are correct and he wasn’t happy, even though there were literally zero signs of him being unhappy).

If he does end up dating someone in the near future, his friends and family would be extremely confused.

All of this does not matter.  Obviously he was not happy with you at the end and decided that the relationship was over.  That's all that matters now... it's over.  It's time to stop obsessing over details and over-analyzing it.

It's inappropriate for you to stay connected with his family.  There's no reason for you to be doing that.  It will just prevent you from fully moving on, to see their updates.  

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, Daniella B said:

Quote

I’ve done nothing wrong but try and fight for our relationship which is why I’m taken aback by his tone towards me.

It's because he ended it and doesn't want you to fight to keep him.  If you try to continue contact with him his tone towards you will be even more hurtful because he's annoyed by you at this point.  

Quote

I have since decided to remove him from social media because it was impacting my ability to move on. I messaged to tell him that I was going to delete him, not because I hate him but because I love him and it’s too difficult moving forward. I didn’t get a reply but that’s okay.

Other than to say "thanks" what else could he reply.  He broke up with you and expects you to remove him from your social media.  There was no reason to contact him to announce it.  He viewed it as another excuse to contact him so he didn't reply because he wants all contact to stop.

Quote

A couple days ago I had a hunch to download tinder and I did and I was completely and utterly shocked to find him on there! I was so angry and sent him a standard ‘why did you lie to me and say it’s not me it’s you’ text. 

You said you're trying to concentrate on healing but you know you only downloaded Tinder to check to see if he was on it.  Seek and thee shall find.  Of course he's going to date and have a gf again.  He was telling you that because he didn't want you to try to fight for him.  He probably was glad he broke up with you after you let him know you spied on Tinder to find him.

Quote

I ended up sending a follow up text the next day when I’d cooled down and ended it with a nicer tone of goodbye and that I hope he finds what he’s looking for with his new woman etc. (it was a bit of a guilt-trip text but I still meant it). I didn’t want the last thing he remembered me by as a nasty message.

 

Again  there was no reason to contact him and tell him things he knows you don't mean.  He knows you don't wish him and a new girl well; but was fully aware that you were trying to guilt trip him.

I agree it's time for you to stop talking to his friends and family about him.  It's not fair to involve them now that you're out of his life.  Also they may not be telling you the entire truth about what he's told them in order to preserve your feelings.

Edited March 19, 2023 by stillafool

[basil67]

21 hours ago, Daniella B said:

Since my last update I’ve been not so great but that’s expected. Anywho, I have tried to reconcile with my ex and he doesn’t want a bar of it and refused to listen to the message I sent him because he’s “already made his mind up”. I found that quite hurtful but whatever.

His messages towards me have been quite hostile and I find it extremely hurtful that he’s so cold towards me when he’s the one who ended it because he said he’s better off single and happier that way, and has made it abundantly clear that it’s not that he doesn’t want to be with me, he doesn’t want to be with anyone.

I’ve done nothing wrong but try and fight for our relationship which is why I’m taken aback by his tone towards me.

Yes, you did do wrong.  Your actions of fighting for the relationship (something he was direct about not wanting anymore) disrespected his need to let this go and move on. Thing is, all this pushing on your end is just driving him further and further away.   Yes, he was blunt and has gotten to the point of hostility, but that's what happens if you don't listen to what he's telling you.  He is basically sick and tired of dealing with you.

21 hours ago, Daniella B said:

I have since decided to remove him from social media because it was impacting my ability to move on. I messaged to tell him that I was going to delete him, not because I hate him but because I love him and it’s too difficult moving forward. I didn’t get a reply but that’s okay.

This would have annoyed him even further.  It just wasn't necessary

21 hours ago, Daniella B said:

A couple days ago I had a hunch to download tinder and I did and I was completely and utterly shocked to find him on there! I was so angry and sent him a standard ‘why did you lie to me and say it’s not me it’s you’ text. 

I ended up sending a follow up text the next day when I’d cooled down and ended it with a nicer tone of goodbye and that I hope he finds what he’s looking for with his new woman etc. (it was a bit of a guilt-trip text but I still meant it). I didn’t want the last thing he remembered me by as a nasty message.

You're stalking him online and attacking him over his dating profile.  And you're confused about him being hostile?!

21 hours ago, Daniella B said:

I’m beyond baffled about his dating profile because he was adamant that he wanted to be single and thought he was ready for a relationship but isn’t emotionally ready and may never will be etc. So to find him on tinder was a shock to the system and clearly has made me start thinking that there is something wrong with ME.

Surely you know that "it's not you, it's me" is standard breakup line?  Thing is, when we tell someone the truth, the either get mad, deny or promise to change.  All of this begging makes for a really unpleasant dumping.  So it's easier to just give a standard line.

21 hours ago, Daniella B said:

I’ve spoken to a friend of his....

You're really out of line here.  Leave him and his people alone

21 hours ago, Daniella B said:

Does this sound like a rebound kind of thing to try and get over me, which could also explain why he’s being so cold towards me?

No, it doesn't sound like a rebound.  And he's cold to you because you haven't been leaving him alone, you're talking to his friends about him and you've still got his family on FB

21 hours ago, Daniella B said:

I mean he may have just made a profile and isn’t actively doing anything on there (to be quite honest I don’t actually care). Is this normal behaviour? When we broke up he said he still loves me. I’m so confused.

When he said "he loves you" he would no longer have been referring to romantic love.  More like "I do care and don't dislike you".  However, all the pushing from your end would have undoubtedly shut down any of those residual feelings he was having.

21 hours ago, Daniella B said:

I’ve broken all contact now and essentially will be starting the ‘no contact’ period.

I know men grieve differently to women. Women grieve first then heal and move on. Men tend to be happy at first and try move on, then grieve and reflect, and maybe regret.

I don’t really know if he will reach out once he’s gone through his phase. What do you guys think? Does it sound like he’s in pain, or he just genuinely wants me to move on?

I’m not sitting around waiting, I’m moving on. If he does reach out down the track I’m happy to listen and maybe reconcile depending on where I am in my life, but I’m not holding my breath.

It's not a phase.  He's not going to reach out.  He genuinely wants to move on.   Good on you for going no contact.  But do it properly!  Distance yourself from his friends and family because a) staying in contact will stop you moving on and b) having you stay in the peripheral of his life is going make him hold even more resentment towards you.  There's nothing worse than an ex who you can't get out of your life.

[Daniella B]

13 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

All of this does not matter.  Obviously he was not happy with you at the end and decided that the relationship was over.  That's all that matters now... it's over.  It's time to stop obsessing over details and over-analyzing it.

It's inappropriate for you to stay connected with his family.  There's no reason for you to be doing that.  It will just prevent you from fully moving on, to see their updates.  

Thank you for your comment, but I don’t find it inappropriate to still have his family on social media. I’ve spoken to friends who have been in relationships before and they have said that there’s nothing wrong with keeping your ex or their friends/family, unless it inhibits you from moving forward.

Like I said, more than happy for them to remove me. They are in fact still liking my photos, there’s no bad blood between us. 

[Daniella B]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yes, you did do wrong.  Your actions of fighting for the relationship (something he was direct about not wanting anymore) disrespected his need to let this go and move on. Thing is, all this pushing on your end is just driving him further and further away.   Yes, he was blunt and has gotten to the point of hostility, but that's what happens if you don't listen to what he's telling you.  He is basically sick and tired of dealing with you.

This would have annoyed him even further.  It just wasn't necessary

You're stalking him online and attacking him over his dating profile.  And you're confused about him being hostile?!

Surely you know that "it's not you, it's me" is standard breakup line?  Thing is, when we tell someone the truth, the either get mad, deny or promise to change.  All of this begging makes for a really unpleasant dumping.  So it's easier to just give a standard line.

You're really out of line here.  Leave him and his people alone

No, it doesn't sound like a rebound.  And he's cold to you because you haven't been leaving him alone, you're talking to his friends about him and you've still got his family on FB

When he said "he loves you" he would no longer have been referring to romantic love.  More like "I do care and don't dislike you".  However, all the pushing from your end would have undoubtedly shut down any of those residual feelings he was having.

It's not a phase.  He's not going to reach out.  He genuinely wants to move on.   Good on you for going no contact.  But do it properly!  Distance yourself from his friends and family because a) staying in contact will stop you moving on and b) having you stay in the peripheral of his life is going make him hold even more resentment towards you.  There's nothing worse than an ex who you can't get out of your life.

I’m not stalking him online. I wasn’t expecting to find him on tinder at all! And yes I was attacking him because of it because he has clearly lied to me which is extremely hurtful. I have every right to be upset. All he needed to do was be up front and this all could have been avoided. 

If he feels uncomfortable with his friends and family still having me on social media then he can very easily ask them to remove me. I don’t believe him to be that petty though. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Daniella B said:

If he feels uncomfortable with his friends and family still having me on social media then he can very easily ask them to remove me. 

He was upfront about wanting to end things. However he used the it's me not you approach. Deleting and blocking him and all his people is for your sake, not theirs. It's for you to help yourself sever ties and move forward.

It's not a form of punishment for anyone. The last thing you want to see is them posting pics of him with a new GF. Spare yourself this. They're not your friends or your family.  It's your responsibility to manage your social media in a way that benefits you best.

Edited March 20, 2023 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Daniella B said:

I’m not stalking him online. I wasn’t expecting to find him on tinder at all! And yes I was attacking him because of it because he has clearly lied to me which is extremely hurtful. I have every right to be upset. All he needed to do was be up front and this all could have been avoided. 

If he feels uncomfortable with his friends and family still having me on social media then he can very easily ask them to remove me. I don’t believe him to be that petty though. 

You "had a hunch to download tinder".  A hunch is a feeling based on intuition rather than fact.  It's an idea that something happening.  A hunch is what one has right before they investigate something.    After all, if you'd downloaded for your own dating, you would have said something like "I thought it would be good for me to get dating again"

Your behaviour here...the attacks on him....the stalking....the refusal to move on.... it's far worse than him breaking up with you by using a standard breakup line.   I guess you can stay on the socials of his friends and family - he's probably blocked you anyway so he won't know.  But how are you going to feel when you start seeing him being happy with a new girl in group photos?  Or at Thanksgiving with the family?  Isn't it going to cause you more pain in the long run? 

Edited March 20, 2023 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Daniella B said:

Thank you for your comment, but I don’t find it inappropriate to still have his family on social media. 

Think of it from a self-preservtion perspective. 

Are you going to be okay if he's someday tagged in someone's group shot with his new girlfriend? Smiling away and having a grand old time at a family event or party with friends? 

[Alpacalia]

Can you recall how it felt to break up with someone?

It's a complicated and emotional experience, filled with conflicting feelings.

On the one hand, there's a sense of liberation that comes with it; it's something you've been nervously anticipating. The future suddenly looks brighter and more exciting. Knowing that your heartbroken ex still loves you brings a sense of comfort and assurance. They have managed to break free and now they want to revel in their newfound liberty. Though this difficult choice has given them a sense of validation, as if they are "better than you," it has also filled them with guilt. Everyone is the hero in their own narrative. 

Do you expect him to pledge you undying adoration after a breakup? That's unrealistic. So don't rely on him to tell you he still loves you after the breakup.

We all want closure, we all hope for apologies or at least less painful endings. The reality is, if he hurt you once, he can do it again all too easily. It's up to you to stand up for yourself. You get on with your life without him and quit hoping that he still has feelings for you.

[Acacia98]

On 3/19/2023 at 8:37 AM, Daniella B said:

Anywho, I have tried to reconcile with my ex and he doesn’t want a bar of it and refused to listen to the message I sent him because he’s “already made his mind up”. I found that quite hurtful but whatever.

His messages towards me have been quite hostile and I find it extremely hurtful that he’s so cold towards me when he’s the one who ended it because he said he’s better off single and happier that way, and has made it abundantly clear that it’s not that he doesn’t want to be with me, he doesn’t want to be with anyone.

I’ve done nothing wrong but try and fight for our relationship which is why I’m taken aback by his tone towards me.

I have since decided to remove him from social media because it was impacting my ability to move on. I messaged to tell him that I was going to delete him, not because I hate him but because I love him and it’s too difficult moving forward. I didn’t get a reply but that’s okay.

A couple days ago I had a hunch to download tinder and I did and I was completely and utterly shocked to find him on there! I was so angry and sent him a standard ‘why did you lie to me and say it’s not me it’s you’ text. 

I ended up sending a follow up text the next day when I’d cooled down and ended it with a nicer tone of goodbye and that I hope he finds what he’s looking for with his new woman etc. (it was a bit of a guilt-trip text but I still meant it). I didn’t want the last thing he remembered me by as a nasty message.

I’m beyond baffled about his dating profile because he was adamant that he wanted to be single and thought he was ready for a relationship but isn’t emotionally ready and may never will be etc. So to find him on tinder was a shock to the system and clearly has made me start thinking that there is something wrong with ME.

I’ve spoken to a friend of his and they were confused by it and said that he has told them that he wants to be single and work on himself. So he’s either lying to himself or he’s lying to everyone.

Does this sound like a rebound kind of thing to try and get over me, which could also explain why he’s being so cold towards me?

I mean he may have just made a profile and isn’t actively doing anything on there (to be quite honest I don’t actually care). Is this normal behaviour? When we broke up he said he still loves me. I’m so confused.

I’ve broken all contact now and essentially will be starting the ‘no contact’ period.

I know men grieve differently to women. Women grieve first then heal and move on. Men tend to be happy at first and try move on, then grieve and reflect, and maybe regret.

I don’t really know if he will reach out once he’s gone through his phase. What do you guys think? Does it sound like he’s in pain, or he just genuinely wants me to move on?

I’m not sitting around waiting, I’m moving on. If he does reach out down the track I’m happy to listen and maybe reconcile depending on where I am in my life, but I’m not holding my breath.

Daniella, you can't reconcile with someone who doesn't want to be with you. This man ended the relationship with you because he did not want to be with you. And he was not ambiguous in ending it. He has never since come back to you, expressing regret and apologizing and saying he wants to reconcile. So your efforts to reconcile with him were basically about you unilaterally trying to force something on him that he didn't want. And under the circumstances, it's not surprising that he would be cold or hostile. I think I agree with the person who said you were being disrespectful towards him. If you're so desperate to be with someone that you would ignore what the person wants, then you don't care so much about the person; it's the fact of being in a relationship you care about.

The answers to all of your questions lie in the posts above. Just go back and read them. Do so with an open mind this time. You will save yourself so much heartache if you stop trying to force things to be the way you want them to be and accept them as they are. You seem to have difficulty interpreting your ex's behavior correctly, so listen to what folks here are telling you. For instance, other folks have already explained to you that his telling you he didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone at all was just talk--the kind of thing someone says when they're breaking up with you and don't want to destroy you. Unfortunately, it's also the sort of thing that can give you hope if you're determined to cling to hope. So perhaps he should have been blunter when breaking up with you. But I do wonder if you would have listened to him then.

On 3/19/2023 at 2:15 PM, Daniella B said:

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I’m not agreeing or disagreeing with you, but is it not strange that he wouldn’t tell anyone close to him that I wasn’t the one if that is the case? He doesn’t need to be honest with me, but why lie to everyone else and tell them how much he loved me? (assuming that you are correct and he wasn’t happy, even though there were literally zero signs of him being unhappy).

If he does end up dating someone in the near future, his friends and family would be extremely confused.

His behavior is not particularly strange, you know? I realize everyone wants to believe their love story is unique, but humans are similar in many ways. I have relatives who have done exactly what he did to you, and I've learned to recognize that their behavior is part of who they are. It doesn't confuse me at all. And, if it did confuse me, to be honest with you, I wouldn't invest much energy in thinking about it. I barely have enough time to worry about my own problems.

Also, it's important for you to recognize your ex does not owe you anything. The minute he broke up with you, he was under no obligation to live up to whatever promises he made to you while you were still together. He does not owe you an explanation of his presence on dating sites. If he starts dating someone new tomorrow, it's none of your business, and he does not owe you an apology. You do not owe him anything either. You are free to date other people and to live your life as you see fit without worrying about whether it will contradict what you told him about yourself.

[JTSW]

On 3/19/2023 at 5:37 AM, Daniella B said:

I have tried to reconcile with my ex and he doesn’t want a bar of it

This is where you should've drawn the line.

He clearly doesn't want you OP.

On 3/19/2023 at 5:37 AM, Daniella B said:

His messages towards me have been quite hostile and I find it extremely hurtful that he’s so cold towards me

 

On 3/19/2023 at 5:37 AM, Daniella B said:

I messaged to tell him that I was going to delete him,

He told you to leave him alone but you disrespected his request.

You kept on pushing and acting desperate.

You have not listened to him at all.

On 3/19/2023 at 5:37 AM, Daniella B said:

A couple days ago I had a hunch to download tinder and I did and I was completely and utterly shocked to find him on there! I was so angry and sent him a standard ‘why did you lie to me and say it’s not me it’s you’ text. 

A hunch? 

You mean you were you checking dating sites to see if he was on them.

Also, you have no right to be angry at him.

What he does now that he is single has nothing to do with you anymore.

On 3/19/2023 at 5:37 AM, Daniella B said:

I ended up sending a follow up text the next day

Pushing again.

On 3/19/2023 at 5:37 AM, Daniella B said:

I’m beyond baffled about his dating profile because he was adamant that he wanted to be single

It's not for you to worry about is it.

He can do what he wants.

On 3/19/2023 at 5:37 AM, Daniella B said:

I’ve spoken to a friend of his

Why? 

It's nothing to do with either of you.

On 3/19/2023 at 5:37 AM, Daniella B said:

he may have just made a profile and isn’t actively doing anything on there (to be quite honest I don’t actually care).

But you do care because you keep checking it.

You are hoping he isn't doing anything on there but he obviously is.

He can do what he wants.

On 3/19/2023 at 5:37 AM, Daniella B said:

I don’t really know if he will reach out once he’s gone through his phase.

He wont ever reach out again.

He has made this more than clear.

He made a Tinder account and is moving on.

You are desperately holding on to something that is not there.

It sounds like you have driven him crazy with your obsessive behaviour.

Take a look at yourself OP and you will realise that your behaviour is not healthy.

[NuevoYorko]

On 3/20/2023 at 12:52 AM, Daniella B said:

Thank you for your comment, but I don’t find it inappropriate to still have his family on social media. 

It is, in fact, socially  inappropriate.  

[mtnbiker3000]

On 2/27/2023 at 4:13 AM, Daniella B said:

This man was truly love at first sight that I simply cannot describe, and you will only understand if you have felt this before.

I think most of us have felt this before, and I will dare to say it is not "love at first sight" as there is simply no such thing. That is made up by Hollywood.

There is, however, attachment, which can be very powerful, and make us believe many things are happening that simply aren't. It takes a strong and wise person to see through the delusion for what is really at play.

I'm not saying your are foolish, naïve, or anything like that. But if you truly examine the situation and understand what attachment is, you might feel differently, and it might make you feel a little better about what happened, as now you have a starting point for healing and moving forward into your next RS stronger and wiser.