do you disclose your home location to dates if you live alone with two kids?

[Zoewong]

I believe this topics probably had been discussed over and over again but keeping LTR in mind, how soon is too soon to sleep with a guy? We’ve seen each other for like 5 times and he invited me to a hotel one time but I rejected. We held hands and kissed on the lips so far. He is generally respectful of my boundaries and looks genuine. I am thinking probably seeing him a few more times. 

Any thoughts? We did not discuss exclusivity. We are not teenagers but in the 40s and 50s. 

I also don’t feel secure to let guys know where my home is since I live alone with two kids. How do you typically deal with this concern that it may cause issue in the event of breaking up etc. but then this also means sleeping together requires pre-planning a hotel room, which feels a little unnatural. His living situation does not allow us to go to his place.

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Zoewong said:

 His living situation does not allow us to go to his place.

You're doing the right thing protecting your children and safety and security. It's great you're not giving out this information or inviting casual dates to your house. 

Try to date men who don't have complicated living arrangements. Is this man married?

[JTSW]

If he is genuine then he will be totally respectful of your decisions.

You are right to not disclose where you live as you still don't really know him all that well yet.

[glows]

He’s only seen you five times and has proposed a hotel rendezvous. Doesn’t this strike you as odd and inappropriate? Was there any lead up to this? Or was it said in jest and joking?

Why are his living accommodations complicated? Does he live with his parents or an ex? Still married or living in the marital home? 

A good many with kids don’t introduce their partners for awhile - think closer to a year. This isn’t always realistic but the judgment call is yours. I don’t think there’s any one rule about how soon is too soon. It depends on how secure you are in reading people and trusting who you are dating. How do you know this man to start? Are you fresh out of a relationship?

[NuevoYorko]

There is no reason men you are casually or in the beginning stages of dating need to know where you live.  Wait until you have an established relationship and trust each other.

[smackie9]

I agree give it plenty of time before you do that, *oh and do a criminal/background check. A coworker of mine didn't, married the guy and found out he was molesting her grand children. Total disaster. 

[Zoewong]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're doing the right thing protecting your children and safety and security. It's great you're not giving out this information or inviting casual dates to your house. 

Try to date men who don't have complicated living arrangements. Is this man married?

You guys are all spot on

 

14 hours ago, Zoewong said:

I believe this topics probably had been discussed over and over again but keeping LTR in mind, how soon is too soon to sleep with a guy? We’ve seen each other for like 5 times and he invited me to a hotel one time but I rejected. We held hands and kissed on the lips so far. He is generally respectful of my boundaries and looks genuine. I am thinking probably seeing him a few more times. 

Any thoughts? We did not discuss exclusivity. We are not teenagers but in the 40s and 50s. 

I also don’t feel secure to let guys know where my home is since I live alone with two kids. How do you typically deal with this concern that it may cause issue in the event of breaking up etc. but then this also means sleeping together requires pre-planning a hotel room, which feels a little unnatural. His living situation does not allow us to go to his place.

Appreciate your comments and you guys all spot on.

We knew each other from a very casual hookup site (AdultFriendFinder) so it seems to be my fault that I was turning this into more relationship based. He was upfront that he and his wife are co-parenting only and are in sexless marriage. We met in public and had real chemistry that are beyond physical attractions. We have so many things in common like we both like to play golf, watch documentaries, drink whiskey, have children, both are very well-educated from very good schools, and both in highly respected jobs (he is medical director of a major hospital, and I am a engineering director of a tech company).

We started texting for about one month and saw each other 5 times in about 5 weeks. so We know each other 2+ months now.

I asked what he is looking for and he said that this keeps him grounded and he has a stressful job. For me I did not have good experience with dating apps looking for LTR and this seems to become my side kicks to enjoy some good time and practice dating. I am separated for 3.5 years now and hadn't been dating since my 20s.

I did not ask him what his plan with his marriage/wife since I feel it's too early and I am also not ready to commit to him and keep my option open at this stage. 

So far I think he *lusts* after me for sure but he is also respectful in general. He planned nice dates, pay for everything (but I insisted to pay some) and tried to impress and took care of me every way he can. We talk about politics, kids, life, music, hobbies even though sexual stuff comes up from time to time. I insisted him to get to know me and I also tried to get to know him. 

What do you guys think I should do? Should I ask about this long term plan with wife/marriage? Should I sleep with him after a few more dates? I simply want to have some fun in my life as well and not think too much. Am I playing with a fire?

[Zoewong]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're doing the right thing protecting your children and safety and security. It's great you're not giving out this information or inviting casual dates to your house. 

Try to date men who don't have complicated living arrangements. Is this man married?

See my below response, yes he is.

[Gaeta]

Deleted.

I answered thinking this was serious dating

Edited February 28, 2023 by Gaeta

[Zoewong]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're doing the right thing protecting your children and safety and security. It's great you're not giving out this information or inviting casual dates to your house. 

Try to date men who don't have complicated living arrangements. Is this man married?

Yes he is, see my below more details.

[Zoewong]

9 hours ago, glows said:

He’s only seen you five times and has proposed a hotel rendezvous. Doesn’t this strike you as odd and inappropriate? Was there any lead up to this? Or was it said in jest and joking?

Why are his living accommodations complicated? Does he live with his parents or an ex? Still married or living in the marital home? 

A good many with kids don’t introduce their partners for awhile - think closer to a year. This isn’t always realistic but the judgment call is yours. I don’t think there’s any one rule about how soon is too soon. It depends on how secure you are in reading people and trusting who you are dating. How do you know this man to start? Are you fresh out of a relationship?

I think our situation is a little different that we did not meet at a dating site for LTR rather on a hookup site. That's probably why he was a little more sexually aggressive. On the other hand, most men on this type of website would have been long gone if they don't get what they want the first meet up. See below more background on our situation. I feel he is genuinely interested in me aside from lusting for sure. 

I haven't been dating for so long, I really don't know if asking about sex during 5th dates are way too aggressive? He did not push though when I said no.

[Zoewong]

7 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I agree give it plenty of time before you do that, *oh and do a criminal/background check. A coworker of mine didn't, married the guy and found out he was molesting her grand children. Total disaster. 

I agreed that it's needed to vet the dating candidate. In my case, he is a very respected doctor and I even went to his hospital one time.

[Alpacalia]

Color me confused. You met on a hook up website but you want to know how soon is too soon to hook up?

Edited February 28, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Zoewong]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

Color me confused. You met on a hook up website but you want to know how soon is too soon?

Yes I agree. It's very confusing. We just had so many things in common that both of us seem to be turning this from a casual hookup to LTR. We only held hands after five dates. This is definitely not typical for any meetup from the casual site.

[Alpacalia]

17 minutes ago, Zoewong said:

Yes I agree. It's very confusing. We just had so many things in common that both of us seem to be turning this from a casual hookup to LTR. We only held hands after five dates. This is definitely not typical for any meetup from the casual site.

It's quite a perplexing situation you've found yourself in. Meeting on a site designed for casual hookups with a married man and already discussing the intricacies of exclusivity and marriage.

Why bother with such trivial matters as loyalty and devotion? Just indulge in some lighthearted fun and see where the winds of fate take you. What could possibly go awry? It's not like you're frolicking amidst a blazing inferno or anything. So, sit back and savor the experience!

Regarding the issue of sharing your home address with someone you're seeing, it's understandable to feel hesitant about it given what you've laid out, especially since you have children.

In the meantime, you'll have to get creative and find other private places to spend time together, like a hotel or Airbnb.

[basil67]

44 minutes ago, Zoewong said:

I agreed that it's needed to vet the dating candidate. In my case, he is a very respected doctor and I even went to his hospital one time.

That's some very shallow vetting you've done there.  That he's professionally respected means nothing with respect to what kind of person he is. 

What you do know about him outside of work is that he lies to his wife, spends family money on you and seems to enjoy the trill of the chase.   And it doesn't take much for him to appear to like all the same things as you.   And at the risk of stating the obvious, if you're not comfortable disclosing your home location, why on earth would you go to a hotel room with him and put yourself in a very vulnerable situation?

[NuevoYorko]

Sorry, but this is ridiculous.  

He's married and Adult Friend Finders is the most SEX ONLY of hookup sites.

So, the answer to your question:  The proper time to have sex with this man was within the first 15 minutes of meeting him.  

And, why on Earth would you be thinking about giving him your address?  If you lived alone, OK, but why expose your kids to random hookups from a sex site?

 

[Zoewong]

45 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Sorry, but this is ridiculous.  

He's married and Adult Friend Finders is the most SEX ONLY of hookup sites.

So, the answer to your question:  The proper time to have sex with this man was within the first 15 minutes of meeting him.  

And, why on Earth would you be thinking about giving him your address?  If you lived alone, OK, but why expose your kids to random hookups from a sex site?

 

I hope you’d see this a little more open minded. Life sometimes takes a turn in an unexpected way. How did you see this man may be genuinely interested in more than sex that’s why he’s very respectful and patient? He went to AFF maybe looking for sex only but what he told me is that I am the type of the woman he dated before. 

[NuevoYorko]

1 minute ago, Zoewong said:

I hope you’d see this a little more open minded. Life sometimes takes a turn in an unexpected way. How did you see this man may be genuinely interested in more than sex that’s why he’s very respectful and patient? He went to AFF maybe looking for sex only but what he told me is that I am the type of the woman he dated before. 

But ... he's married.  Unless he is in an open marriage, practicing polygamy, and you're onboard with that - he's just a ... bottom feeder.  I don't care if he held your hand or not.   

If this is a real situation you are in, I hope vehemently that you wake up and call it off.  Even a single man you meet on Adult Friend Finders would be a ridiculous choice for a relationship.  Probably the same goes for women on there.  It's a SEX SITE.  

[Zoewong]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

It's quite a perplexing situation you've found yourself in. Meeting on a site designed for casual hookups with a married man and already discussing the intricacies of exclusivity and marriage.

Why bother with such trivial matters as loyalty and devotion? Just indulge in some lighthearted fun and see where the winds of fate take you. What could possibly go awry? It's not like you're frolicking amidst a blazing inferno or anything. So, sit back and savor the experience!

Regarding the issue of sharing your home address with someone you're seeing, it's understandable to feel hesitant about it given what you've laid out, especially since you have children.

In the meantime, you'll have to get creative and find other private places to spend time together, like a hotel or Airbnb.

Thanks for the understanding. I totally agree with you. I went in this with no expectation initially. And I should continue to keep it lighthearted with no expectation to protect myself while having some fun.

I don’t object to seeing others at the same time but it demands time which I don’t have a lot. Also for women I feel it’s not easy to split emotional connection with multiple men. There is always ONE man who seems to be my preference at given time. 

[NuevoYorko]

I remembered responding to you before so I looked back - in November, another "busy doctor" who was completely unsuitable for a relationship for a mountain of reasons.   

What's up?

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Zoewong said:

He was upfront that he and his wife are co-parenting only and are in sexless marriage.

Why are you trying to date a married man? I mean, you are seriously asking how to hookup with a married man because you can’t go to his house (his wife won’t allow it) and you don’t want to invite him to your home to put your children at risk? 

This is a bad plan all around…

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Zoewong said:

We knew each other from a very casual hookup site (AdultFriendFinder) so it seems to be my fault that I was turning this into more relationship based.

helpful hints - living together and co-parenting is still married. Even separated and living separately (which he is not) is still married. 

Sexless marriage is what they all say - if he told you that he and his wife had a very happy marriage and an active sex life you would be very unlikely to agree to meet him at a hotel. And considering that you met on a hook-up site - that is what he is looking for…

Your picker is off and your expectations are unreasonable of you are developing aspirations of being in a relationship with a man who is married to another woman. 

Edited March 1, 2023 by BaileyB

[mortensorchid]

You are right to be concerned for the safety of your kids as well as you.  He asked to meet you at a hotel?  Like in the lobby for a drink or something else?  If you have only been on 4 or 5 dates and he was expecting something else that's kind of ... strange.  Has he let you know where he lives?  

[Zoewong]

6 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

You are right to be concerned for the safety of your kids as well as you.  He asked to meet you at a hotel?  Like in the lobby for a drink or something else?  If you have only been on 4 or 5 dates and he was expecting something else that's kind of ... strange.  Has he let you know where he lives?  

We went on a hike and then a nice restaurant lunch. He casually mentioned hotel during lunch as an option after lunch but he did not push for it. 

He told me his neighborhood but I don’t even want to know where he lives given his situation.