do you disclose your home location to dates if you live alone with two kids?

[Zoewong]

35 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

helpful hints - living together and co-parenting is still married. Even separated and living separately (which he is not) is still married. 

Sexless marriage is what they all say - if he told you that he and his wife had a very happy marriage and an active sex life you would be very unlikely to agree to meet him at a hotel. And considering that you met on a hook-up site - that is what he is looking for…

Your picker is off and your expectations are unreasonable of you are developing aspirations of being in a relationship with a man who is married to another woman. 

It’s kind of funny that people on those hookup sites are actually more honest. Mostly because some people don’t even talk about real names etc and it does not matter to the other side if one has active sex live or not since it’s just causal hookup. But in anyway I agree that he may still have sex with his wife just probably not enough to satisfy him. I would not understand if anyone would stay in a marriage if it’s indeed completely sexless? He has three kids and one still remain home in high school. I did not want to ask what his plan is. One time I asked if he is ok for his wife to see other guys too and he mentioned he suspect his wife may have something going on as well. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Zoewong said:

But in anyway I agree that he may still have sex with his wife just probably not enough to satisfy him.

You don’t know this. There is a poster on this site who has told the story of her husband’s affair - they had a very active sex life, she was more adventurous than he was… he cheated not only once. Married men tend to say one thing and do another every day. 

And if he is lying to her about you, chances are also good that he’s lying to you about her. 

Edited March 1, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Zoewong said:

One time I asked if he is ok for his wife to see other guys too and he mentioned he suspect his wife may have something going on as well. 

Another pretty typical line - he has “permission” to cheat, because she has likely got something going on the side too. 

She is likely driving her kid to soccer practice and caring for their elderly parents - while he is on a “date” with you. That’s the simple truth of it. 

Edited March 1, 2023 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, Zoewong said:

Thanks for the understanding. I totally agree with you. I went in this with no expectation initially. And I should continue to keep it lighthearted with no expectation to protect myself while having some fun.

I don’t object to seeing others at the same time but it demands time which I don’t have a lot. Also for women I feel it’s not easy to split emotional connection with multiple men. There is always ONE man who seems to be my preference at given time. 

I was hoping you would see the irony with my post. No?

He's not going to cheat on his wife because he wants you; he is going to because you’re an easy mark. He's already pushed the envelope by suggesting a hotel.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Zoewong said:

He told me his neighborhood but I don’t even want to know where he lives given his situation. 

Yes. Protecting your children is a priority. Since he's looking for an affair, it's not your responsibility to endanger your children by making your home his love nest. If he wants extramarital affairs and you're on board with that, it's better for everyone to get a hotel. It's safer for you and your children.

[JTSW]

To be honest, the more I read the more I think this guy is full of crap.

I think he's still very much in his marriage, just told you otherwise.

They wouldn't need to live together if they were only co-parenting.

And he was on a hook up site, so he clearly just wanted a bit of fun outside of the marriage.

[bene]

On 2/28/2023 at 10:45 AM, Zoewong said:

His living situation does not allow us to go to his place.

If a man’s “living situation” doesn’t allow to invite a woman over it’s a sign that he’s not ready to date.

If you don’t want to date but just have a hookup then it’s quite obvious that you shouldn’t do it in your children’s home.

[introverted1]

9 hours ago, Zoewong said:

It’s kind of funny that people on those hookup sites are actually more honest.

If that's true then his wife knows, so why can't you go to his place?

This is ridiculous.

[glows]

Just book a hotel then if you’re looking for a casual partner or casual sex. You’re not the first person to hook up with a married person so nothing unique here or strange but do take care of yourself and your kids. I would not bring this person anywhere near the home regardless of his profession, who he says he is or what the thinks he is. 

[NuevoYorko]

One thing that's been proven here over and over:  NEVER start out as f**k buddies, hookups, FWB, "casual" etc and expect it to become anything different because YOU developed some kind of feelings.

If you're on Adult Friend Finder picking up on married men, you are NOT going to end up with anything other than having sex with a married man.  On his terms, too, since he's the one with something to lose.  

If this seems good for you, carry on.

And if you're actually looking for something besides a hookup, why are you lying to yourself and hunting on AFF?

[Els]

17 hours ago, Zoewong said:

He was upfront that he and his wife are co-parenting only and are in sexless marriage.

Um, you realize that this is what just about EVERY wayward spouse says to the person they're having an affair with, right?

 

[Calmandfocused]

You’re  worried about this guy knowing where you live, but you’re quite happy to post your employment information on a public internet forum? Doesn’t make sense. 
 

Be careful about the type of information. you post publicly OP. 

You seem like the sort of person who enjoys taking risks. Fine! But keep your private life away from your home and never tell your casual sex partners your home address. Protect your children first and foremost. 

If you insist on playing with fire you will eventually get burnt. 
 

[Pomz]

Good that you think about your safety and kids.

You dont know him well and you not his gf.

Maybe just keep get to know him meeting in a city nearby where you know other people also. And in open places.

Five times is like 5 minutes.

Maybe atleast a year or so, and when you see he may be trustworthy you can visit him in his city to see how he act.

Whats with his living condition??

Since you have kids, they need you you dont wanna end up in some crazy story. So keep get to know him in open places.

[glows]

Hey OP, just curious - is your divorce finalized now? I saw your previous thread and you’d mentioned as of Nov/22 you’ve been separated around 3 years but not divorced. 

I can relate anyway and perhaps you relate to his situation also. There is that saying that unavailable individuals attract other unavailable people. I used to hate it when people said it to me as if who was anyone else to call me unavailable(?!) Yet, it was the cold hard truth I wasn’t ready to hear at the time.

I’d tread carefully and not believe everything he says. Enjoy being single/separated, date around (protect your family) but note also it’s not the same as being divorced. 

Edited March 1, 2023 by glows

[Starswillshine]

On 2/28/2023 at 11:48 PM, BaileyB said:

You don’t know this. There is a poster on this site who has told the story of her husband’s affair - they had a very active sex life, she was more adventurous than he was… he cheated not only once. Married men tend to say one thing and do another every day. 

And if he is lying to her about you, chances are also good that he’s lying to you about her. 

Yes. We had a very active sex life, love life, did many things together, traveled the world, had fun, I was the more adventurous in the bedroom...

I was his wife and the mother of his children. He had some sick sense of respect (laughable at how he twisted this in his mind as if cheating on me/our family was respectful). He didn't want to treat me as if I was a dirty (fill in the blank). (His words, not mine... and I certainly don't feel that way about women since I was the one who wanted to be more adventurous). 

Don't confuse the chase for a deeper meaning. We get caught in this notion that because a guy isn't straight to the bedroom for a quick romp and then heading out then that equals a deeper connection and a feelings forming. Guys, like women, also enjoy the getting to know you part and the allure and mystery in a new fling. 

BTW, I divorced him because of the disrespect he showed, not only to our marriage and me, but to our family. He is now living with another woman with many other "best friends" that he travels all over with. He just likes multiple and different. Every woman serves a different purpose. Don't be the hotel room purpose. 

[mark clemson]

If he's genuinely unhappy in his marriage it's not actually a shock (IMO) that a male went onto a site like that thinking "hookup" but ended up with a more emotional relationship. Certainly one shouldn't expect something like that, but he may be missing "emotional connection" with a woman in his life almost as much as he misses sex, possibly more.

However - keep in mind you're in an affair. From everything I read they tend to have some pretty important differences from non-EMRs. You don't really know what's going on in his marriage, if he's being truthful, etc. It might be as bad as he says, might not. He might have a decent relationship with his wife. While I doubt he'd turn down sex, some men simply enjoy the company/attention of women. He MIGHT be having sex with this wife at least occasionally, which could be another reason not to rush that aspect with you. He might also want sex but feel guilty, and men who have affairs but won't have full sex, and limit themselves to things like oral sex or "making out" are not unheard of.

He COULD chose to leave his marriage and he hasn't - that's important. You should recognize that, while possible, the chances of your affair become a "full" relationship are slim, perhaps on the order of 5%. Despite what may genuinely be "a great connection" in some ways, if the spouse discovers the affair and does not insist on immediately divorcing, the vast majority of the time, the married AP will chose to end things and return to the marriage. Practical concerns tend to override sentiment in many areas of life, and affairs are no exception to this. The odds of him leaving for you are quite low.

Edited March 2, 2023 by mark clemson

[ExpatInItaly]

On 3/1/2023 at 12:39 AM, Zoewong said:

both of us seem to be turning this from a casual hookup to LTR.

This is not possible when he has a wife at home, OP. He isn't available to have a relationship with you. 

To answer your earlier question, yes, you are playing with fire. Yes, you stand to get very hurt. You say he is respectful, but he is also sneaking around on his wife. It doesn't matter if their bedroom has tumbleweeds blowing through it. If he has not told her he's seeking out other woman, he is not a respectful man. You need to think about what his current behaviour says about his character. 

For your own good, find another playmate. One who is both honest about his intentions and lives his life with integrity in general. I think it's perfectly fine for consenting adults to have causal hook-ups, but not when they are married or partnered to someone else who did not consent to opening the relationship. 

[BaileyB]

On 2/28/2023 at 5:39 PM, Zoewong said:

both of us seem to be turning this from a casual hookup to LTR.

Indeed, it’s not possible when he has a wife. It’s rather obvious, but all logical thought seems to have gone out of the window here because they both play golf, and like whiskey, and have children. 

On 2/28/2023 at 2:45 AM, Zoewong said:

We did not discuss exclusivity.

Honestly, I wouldn’t waste your time because the man has a wife - exclusivity seems irrelevant. He can’t be exclusive when you know he has another relationship. No doubt, he’s had the exclusivity talk with his wife too - she would likely be surprised to learn that they are not exclusive either. 

On 2/28/2023 at 5:30 PM, Zoewong said:

He is also respectful in general. He planned nice dates, pay for everything

He’s not being respectful to his wife if he is taking another woman out on dates and spending their marital assets on his “girlfriend.” If you want to know how a man respects woman - look at how he treats his wife. 

On 2/28/2023 at 5:30 PM, Zoewong said:

We are both are very well-educated from very good schools, and both in highly respected jobs (he is medical director of a major hospital, and I am an engineering director of a tech company).

You are a smart woman, you’ve had other relationships and you have some life experience. You have to know that it’s unrealistic and unwise to try and date/build a relationship with another woman’s husband. 

Don’t let the fact that he is a physician cloud your judgement. Physicians have affairs too. 

On 2/28/2023 at 5:35 PM, Zoewong said:

I think our situation is a little different that we did not meet at a dating site for LTR rather on a hookup site. That's probably why he was a little more sexually aggressive. On the other hand, most men on this type of website would have been long gone if they don't get what they want the first meet up.

He is still pursuing you because he is enjoying the chase and the buildup as much as you are. He also hasn’t gotten what he wants yet. And when you do have sex, he’s likely to come back for more - don’t take that as a sign that he’s interested in a relationship. It just means that he’s supplementing what he gets at home. Don’t fool yourself, he was on a hookup site because he was looking for sex.  Extramarital affairs are nothing like singles dating. You are approaching this situation like you are singles dating - but it’s not. 

On 2/28/2023 at 8:01 PM, Zoewong said:

Life sometimes takes a turn in an unexpected way.

Oh, the lament of every OW on this site - these things happen… life takes unexpected turns… things aren’t black and white… people don’t chose who they fall in love with…

This happened because two people went onto a website for singles looking for sex and they made the decision to meet for dinner and go on a hike. Someday soon, they are going to make the decision to meet in a cheap hotel to have sex. Very typically, one person is otherwise committed and the other has decided to rather conveniently overlook that inconvenient detail. She says that she is ok with casual sex but is in truth, she has other aspirations. She is wondering when is appropriate to ask when he plans to leave his wife… And he is likely wondering how long he can keep this going. What feels wonderful now will ultimately descend into a demoralizing and unfulfilling affair - a very painful life lesson for you to learn. 

 

Edited March 2, 2023 by BaileyB

[justwhoiam]

This is all very easy.

1. You made a profile on AFF, and it was to get quick and easy hookups. You met the guy but then no hookup. What went wrong? Did you feel embarassed? Not completely at ease to just have sex with some unknown, random man? Even if he made it past your quick selection, something prevented you from having sex with this man.

2. As others already mentioned, having a respectful job doesn't speak for one's integrity/morality. I remember a case of a well-known architect who ended up in jail after he "accidentally" killed a girl as he went a bit too far with his BDSM techniques. Doing a background check is better than nothing.

3. Don't take random men home.

4. You think that - as he's not pushy - he's willing to wait. The guy is probably hooking up with other women in the meantime. The nature of his job allows him to be out of home day and night, weekends, etc., he can easily have sex every day if he has enough stamina, and then go home to oblige. Have you thought about it?

5. Once you accept to hook up with men randomly, be prepared to accept the risk coming from that. I would demand test results for venereal diseases, etc.

6. Last but not least: what are you really looking for?? Because if it's sex, then just have sex, and don't get lost in all this drama/psyching yourself up. If it's a LTR, seek one elsewhere.