Mental health/ Long distance/ Break up

[Chris12345]

So sorry this is a long one:

 

The girl I dated long distance for three months broke up with me  2 weeks ago. The relationship was from the beginning at a level of intensity, sexuality and intimacy, which was new but also nice for me. That's why, despite the short time, it's really difficult for me right now.

Early on she told me about her mental health problems and that she is in therapy, especially because of a bad break up 3 years ago. 

Her ex of 10 years always wanted to change her and made her feel never good enough. Finally, he ended it, cuz he had the feeling he always had to manage her life, cause he thought she sucks at everything. She said not being able to meet expectations was the worst feeling of her life and now it is really important for her to solve her problems by herself.  This is mainly the reason, that she is not quite sure if she is ready for a new relationship and wants to take it slow and long distance may be the way to figure this out, with rational and open communication.

 

The first two months we were very much in love and talked intensively about all issues and feelings. From her side it sometimes even felt like love bombing. She constantly wanted validation and attention and at the same time she told me how happy  she was with the way we openly discussed everything and how much she likes/ misses me. We decided to date with a long-term and forever perspective. I surely romanticise our relationship in the retroperspective:

But maybe I've never fallen head over heels in love with someone so quickly before. But I'm sure our sexlife was the best I ever experienced. The times we visited each other were some of the best times I had in ages. It sounds like a cliche, but  I really had to pinch myself, to check if this is not  all just a dream, being so lucky to have such a cool, interesting, pretty and cute romantic partner by my side.

 

At the beginning of February her mental health became much worse. She was overwhelmed by work and had a really bad cold that didn't get better and robbed her of all energy.  She of course infected me with the cold after she visited me and it totally knocked me off and I was sick in bed for 1 week. During this week our dynamics kind of changed. Now I was the one seeking validation and attention, staying home, alone being sick&lonley. While her work load still increased and she started to feel exhausted and didn't reply to my text sometimes in the evening, cuz she would just fall asleep the minute she came home from work.  Nonetheless, we made plans for the future. For example she told me about her work trips in the end of February and March and suggested she could stay at my place instead of booking a hotel. 

 

Now after this week of me being a sad sick sob on Saturday things got worse. We talked really long on the phone and she confessed to me that her mental health is so bad she is not able to get out of bed and clean up her place for my visit next weekend. I said that is totally okay. We had some nice interaction during the day and everything felt okay again. But in the evening she stopped responding. I barely slept this night, knowing something was off . The next morning she told me she fell asleep at 8pm. I told her I barely slept last night and she apologized for not having so much time last week for me, cuz she is really stressed out and overwhelmed about work. I thanked her for her openness but confessed that I got an irrational and stupid anxiety and fear of losing her from time to time when she is not that correspondent like she is used to be, but I usually do not want to address it, because it's dumb and may be not the most attractive way to tell someone you care for them . 

She  sent me long Voice message: 

,,Everything you do is fine, i love how you interact with me, i feel very positive about the way we communicate, everything is fine, i can‘t suggest what you should think or if your thinking is wrong, but i really like you and how you interact with me“ 

( I listened to this voice Message a lot after the break up, first it gave me hope, now it‘s killing me)

 

On Sunday she came over to stay at my place cuz she had a business meeting on monday . She arrived 2 hours late, 2 trains missed, a nervous wreck, totally stressed out. She immediately told me that she had worse migraines to seemingly stop all sexual intentions. At home we watched a movie on the couch, where she immediately fell asleep exhausted. When we went to bed I asked if she felt like kissing. She agreed, but it was so unpassionate on her part, that I stopped immediately  and asked how it was going with her mental health.. She said in tears that she has a lot of stress at work, everything is a bit much right now, but she  wants and needs to manage it by herself. The whole night she held me so tightly that I almost suffocated.The next morning she had a real nervous breakdown because she was not ready to leave the house at the agreed time and felt very guilty that I am now late for work because of her. I found this a rather unusual strong reaction and told her it was all no problem and I was even still on time at work. 

 

During the day everything actually seemed almost okay again, we were texting a lot and she asked if we wanted to talk on the phone in the evening or she suggested we could meet briefly at the train station to say goodbye before she takes the train back home. After the weird nervous breakdown in the morning and her general  last week, I asked if there was anything in particular she wanted to talk about in the evening. She replied:

 "Please understand that between the various work meetings today, I can't give an adequate answer to that right now". That serious tone really made me nervous. So I left work early so that we could meet at the train station in the evening. Of course, she was  late again. When she finally arrived, she fell exhausted into my arms. We  walked to her train track holding hands. I carried her luggage up the stairs for which she thanked me strangely often and pleadingly for. 

 

Arriving on the track, she began to sob terribly and stammered only "I can't do it anymore". After, I don't know, 30 seconds or several minutes, I realized what she had just said and asked "You mean in general? Us?" 

She started crying and said "Yes!" and threw herself in my arms. She continued " I just don't have capacity for 2 people in my life right now.  I don't even have capacity for myself right now. For example, I can't force myself to clean my apartment for your visit next weekend."  I said "That's not a problem, I like you even with a dirty  apartment". Then she said: "But the problem is, I don't like myself with a dirty apartment. Remember I said I didn't know if I am really ready for a relationship and now all this stress?  All of this is just not fair to you. Maybe all of this with us was more wishful thinking ". Then her train arrived. She got on the train, turned around one last time and said "We can talk about this later if you want." Then the doors closed and she was gone. 

 

At first I didn't really understand if she broke up with me or just wanted space. But after no text from her the next few days, it slowly dawned on me

 4 days later, on Friday, the trip to her city was planned. Because I had concert tickets bought months before we dated I decided to go and stayed with some friends. 

I decided to text her on Saturday morning to ask her how she is doing and that I'm thinking of her, because I was in town and maybe everything was just a communication problem and an affective action.

The answer came several hours later in the evening. 

She's still not feeling too well, but she hopes I still have a nice trip this weekend. 

I replied that I would give her all the space she needed, but maybe, if she wants, I would like to ask if we could/should see each other tomorrow and talk about our relationship.

She replied the next morning: "This weekend it's hard for me to even get out of bed. I don't know what to say to you about today and if I am even able to arrange things. Also I don't want you to schedule yourself after me all day and I end up not making it.

I answered: It's really okay. I had a last- minute-panic because I was in town. You can always call or text whenever you are in town or every other time. I don't know if a compliment is too much pressure right now, but you are a wonderful woman, I really like and miss you very much." She did not reply that day, but nevertheless liked a photo on my socials.

 

The next evening I was a sobbing mess arriving back from the trip and processing the situation and the whole last week.Then a text  from her:

 "Thank you for the nice words and compliment and it doesn't  put me under too much pressure, i think. I would really like to stay in contact, if I have the capacity for it again, but may be rather in a different way. Right now I still don't know how to answer all these things adequately. I hope you still had a fun trip this weekend." 

 

I only liked her message with a heart emoji and didn't reply. All I could think of was being friendzoned (?did i?) from the person I was planning my future with for the last 3 months. 

It was devastating. The first week I was not able to eat and sleep. Slowly I tried to make sense of all of it and it really helps me to write long hypothetical letters to her, which of course I will never send. 

I try not to look at her socials, where she always was and is very active. But it's really hard. Blocking her feels so drastic and like shutting the door on her. Since the Break up basically just posts memes about hating your job and how 9 to 5 is draining all your life energy.

I start to work out more and focus on my job. But every morning when I wake up and every evening when I am home from work all emotions of missing her hit me like a train. I really just want to talk to her. 

I know I have to give her space and "wait" for her. 

But how long? 

Should I just move on? I don't want to move on if I am honest. Was I too nice?

Why did she end it so abruptly, instead of communicating her serious feelings of stress doubt? Did she communicate those feelings and I didn't listen because I was busy sinking sick into self-pity.

For now my strategy is just to avoid looking at her social media, meet with friends, try not to think of it. 

If she doesn't reach out to me. I will reach out to her  4 weeks after her last message. 

Maybe she thinks I hate her now by not replying to her last message?

She will be in town tomorrow for a work meeting. So today is really hard.

Please feel free to share your opinion on the whole situation. 

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

Please try not to "wait."  Just take time to heal, yourself.  Don't try to erase this by dating others, at least not very soon   If she wants to come back you may still be there but not because you waited.  

You also need to consider whether you really want to enter a relationship with someone who has this much trouble with her mental health issues.   I feel like she has good self awareness, from your descriptions, and I think she is trying her best.  But, it's a lot ... do you want a life that is prone to all of what her issues would bring?  

I'm sorry you've gone through this, it's very sad.

[FMW]

I'm very sorry for your pain, that's a hard thing to go through.  I've been involved with a guy with mental health issues for several years, it requires a lot of patience and understanding at times. 

But her situation right now sounds pretty severe.  She's not able to give you anything at all at the moment, holding on and waiting will be damaging to you.  You have to take care of your own mental and emotional health, and that means working hard to accept that there may be no future for you together.  Try hard to focus on yourself, what you enjoy and what brings you comfort.  

Don't second guess yourself.  I doubt you were "too nice", this likely has little to do with anything you said or did.  She probably wanted things to work out and so she didn't want to get into discussions about any doubts she was having. There is only so much anyone else can do to help sometimes.  Mental health issues can be overwhelming for the sufferer, they may barely be able to deal with their own stuff and have little or no room to think about someone else. 

Unless and until she is able to get things under reasonable control with medication, therapy, etc. she won't be able to be a partner to anyone.  

Take care of yourself. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. 

The truth is that she is really not going to give you the relationship you would like. She's all over the place and has too many issues. She realized after a couple months of this that it's not right for her, and she can't offer you anything more than friends. As such, no, I would not wait for her. You might be waiting forever. 

On 3/1/2023 at 4:16 PM, Chris12345 said:

Maybe she thinks I hate her now by not replying to her last message?

Highly unlikley. She knows she's hurt you and I doubt she expected much of a response to her last message. Not replying doesn't make much difference here. Don't be too hard on yourself. 

On 3/1/2023 at 4:16 PM, Chris12345 said:

If she doesn't reach out to me. I will reach out to her  4 weeks after her last message

What would your purpose be in doing so?